Give the benefit of the doubt or a well known alcoholic trick?

[TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI]

Hi.. hoping for others experience of this
Close family member an alcoholic. Claims they have given up. They were causing partner and family members so much stress and causing issues thru their chaotic lifestyle.
Now they drink non alcoholic drinks, but do they.
Is it a common thing for an alcoholic to say they are no longer drinking but buying non alcoholic drinks to cover up real drinking?
Thank you

I would think the person who is close to them knows they are lying. It's obvious to anyone who is or has been close to an alcoholic when that person is lying, or not being entirely truthful. But it may not be obvious to everyone else, and of course people want to believe the good things they hear.
Addicts are never clever enough to hide it from those who really know them, or have experience of dealing with addicts.
Support the relative living with the alcoholic, and keep an eye on how things are for the kids.

From bitter experience, I would always believe the non-drinker I'm afraid. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this and hope that the kids are safe. Having an alcoholic parent is horrible and I would see if the other parent is able to consider leaving the alcoholic behind, for the sake of everyone else.

Also, in response to a comment by a pp, even addicts on anti-drinking medication can (and sometimes do) drink. The effects are awful (and sometimes deadly) but some still choose to take the risk and drink anyway.

I'm another one that would give the non alcoholic the benefit of the doubt.

If the alcoholic is telling the truth they could just buy a digital breathalyser.

This, just tell them to buy a small breathalyser.

Hi there, firstly I am sorry that you and your family members are going through this. It is really tough. My ex and the father of my daughter, is a binge drinking alcoholic so even after 10 years of doing this, he still doesn't really accept he is an alcoholic (because according to him he would drink every day). So I think I am qualified having spent years studying this and helping family members cope, to say it is highly unlikely that your family member has just easily stopped drinking and turned over a new leaf overnight. People who drink to the point that it adversely affects loved ones and their lives, are unable to drink normally as they don't seem to have an off switch. Also, they are extremely good at gaslighting and manipulating people into believing they are doing everything to not drink - while their primary goal is to covertly drink and get everyone off their back. I tried for years and years to get to the bottom of why my ex drunk the way he did and believe me when I tell you, nothing that I did makes any difference. Once you understand that, you can make a more informed decision about what is best for you and your family. I wish you luck.

I stopped drinking (and I used to drink a lot), and what helped me to do it was AF versions of alcoholic drinks. Opening a bottle of 'wine', and pouring it into a wine glass in the evening helped with the habit side of things. It also stopped comments from the nosy and judgemental, which was another useful thing about them.

I still drink them sometimes (I'm coming to 6 years sober). In fact I have a glass of 0% lager on the go as I type. If someone had insisted that I was drinking when I'd recently stopped it would have been very damaging, I think. The last thing I needed was to justify myself to anyone else.

I think that is absolutely brilliant and you should feel rightly proud of yourself. Of course, you don't have to justify your behaviour to anyone- unless your family have been massively affected by years of lying manipulation and gaslighting. Then asking people to just trust you becomes quite difficult - but I completely get your point.

@Romy73 yes, Im having trouble believing that they have stopped drinking so seemingly easy after all the chaos. And they are very manipulative. I can see that its pointless trying to get them to stop if they dont want to
@ShyMaryEllen well done for stopping drinking.
As Romy says thou, its hard to believe someone when they manipulate you/hide bottles etc, but i am giving them the benefit of the doubt

Well, you know your family member and I don't. But I don't think that 'it's a common thing for an alcoholic to say they are no longer drinking but buying non-alcoholic drinks to cover up real drinking'. They might be, of course, but it wouldn't be the first conclusion I'd jump to.

I don't think it's easy to live with a drinker, but nor do I support the idea that everyone should always support the partner in believing that the drinker is a liar and manipulator. If anything is going to push them back into drinking, that will. As others have said, if s/he is going to drink, they will do it anyway, and it will come out one way or the other if that happens. It's difficult to know from your OP where you fit into the dynamic, but I would try to be there for both of them if it goes wrong, but meanwhile support the drinker in giving up, which is unlikely to work if you doubt everything he or she says.

I know I'm just a sample of one, but FWIW I found it surprisingly easy to stop drinking - much easier than I had previously thought it would be. I had to do it for health reasons, but before I stopped I honestly thought I couldn't sleep sober, and wouldn't be able to get through a social occasion without a drink. It turned out that drinking every evening was a habit rather than an addiction and I could do without the alcohol, but the ritual of separating day from evening with a drink was important to me at first, and the 'fake' wine helped enormously with that. Your relative could be the same. The only thing that problem drinkers are guaranteed to have in common is a problem with drinking. Otherwise the generalisations don't necessarily apply.

Yeah, they're drinking.

Thank you everyone. Its a wait and see situation I guess 😌