DD 10.5 sadness when falling asleep

[TookTheBook]

DD age 10 has always slept well. Now most evenings when trying to get to sleep she comes down to us either bawling crying or just telling us she feels really sad or scared.

We've asked her when she's upset and separately during the day if she's worried about anything or if she's thinking about anything that sets it off but she says no, she says it's just an overwhelming feeling. She's very articulate and honest so we don't think there is anything but we've left that door open, saying she can tell us anything. Nothing particularly new or different in our lives right now to explain it. She's in year 5 so it's probably not thinking about secondary school yet for example.

She's tall for her age so I wonder if it's hormones. Has anyone else experienced this?

This might be a daft question, but what happens when she comes downstairs?

I'm wondering if there's something she likes about coming downstairs every night, so now she's in the habit of being upset as it means she gets a little more time with you, or to stay up later?

I might be way off the mark, but if she's usually able to explain why she's upset, and this is happening every night, it might just be that she feels like she's missing out by being in bed, and thinks that the only way to spend more time with you is by being upset.

I can relate! My eldest is now 15 nearly 16 and it's at bedtime or late at night when all his worries and insecurities come out, has been the case since he was around your daughters age. It's frustrating as like your daughter he claims to be fine during the day and I'm usually quite tired at night so not best equipped to counsel or comfort. Solutions? Hugs and head strokes and listening. He also has a fan that blows air on his face and a night light. There's an element of being left alone with their thoughts I think as they approach adolescence and seeing the world as a bigger place.

Not a daft question, I can see why you'd ask, especially if it was a younger child I'd think the same too, but our children have never come down to us even as toddlers so it seems like genuine sadness and needing reassurance. We just give her a cuddle until she calms down and then back up to bed. Nothing exciting.

Thanks @PamTheExam - it just feels so young. And she claims there's nothing that is worrying her, just that it's an overwhelming feeling.

I'm conflicted. I don't want her to stop telling us as I'd want her to feel she can always tell us when she's sad. I somehow want to stop her feeling sad but perhaps that's impossible! The fan sounds like a good idea, white noise too, isn't it.

Can you get her to do some form of meditation before going to sleep? I'm sure the app I use , Insight Timer, has some guided childrens mediations which might help.

Could it be linked to what they are studying in school? I know my one DD was deeply affected when they were doing WWII at that age by the evacuees and the story of Anne Frank. She would not be able to sleep because she would feel sad for all the children killed in WWII or bombed out of their homes or having to sail to Canada or take trains up North and live with strangers.

If they’re doing that plus covering a bit of Putin and Ukraine and “WWIII” fears….who knows where her thoughts could be going.

Id ask what they are studying in school right now, she may be a highly empathetic person.

I think this is fairly normal.

Bedtime is when she has time to think and even if nothing specifically has upset her it isn't unusual for adolescent brains to become anxious /sad at bedtime. I remember one of mine became quite frightened of dying at this age and bedtime was when she would think about it.

I'd normalise it - "lots of people feel this way sometimes, darling, and that's ok. If there is something specific frightening you or making you sad, it will feel better if you tell me.". Cuddle, then back to bed.

Don't minimise whatever she is worrying about and don't make a big deal/ try to fix it either (IMO that tells them they are right to be afraid). Acknowledge, comfort, normalise.

Thank you for reassurance. That's almost word for word what we say!

My daughter does this, started when she was about 9, we’ve figured out it’s because she’s tired

My DD 10yr old twins are exactly the same as this. No specific reason just an overwhelming feeling, it’s been going on for months and they’re fine in the day. Separate bedrooms and they come down separately saying this so I think it must be hormones. Agree with PP a cuddle and reassurance helps, and reminding them it will all feel better in the morning after a big sleep. If they’re really struggling I’ll give them one of my T-shirts sprayed with my perfume to cuddle which seems to really help

Does she have enough downtime in the day to be able to process her thoughts quietly, or is she rushing from school to activities to food and to bed? If bedtime is the only time she has which is quiet and non-stimulating, that will be the time all this happens. I believe we all need some quiet time with our brains in neutral to allow us to just take stock and process, usually unconsciously.

This sounds very normal. Being a human is complicated and sometimes ordinary things can make us quite muddled up. Add in hormones and it gets worse! It could be loneliness after being with others, FOMO if you are still doing things, worry about the next day, not wanting to go out the next day because home is just nicer than school, or yes hormones.

I would model proactively supporting her, so that she learns to proactively support herself.

So I would pop upstairs before she comes down, teach her how to put on some soothing music, what books to read before sleep to help her relax etc. I would also explain humans do have feelings sometimes and it is great she can name them.

I myself sometimes dislike going to bed as it is the end of the nicest part of the day quite often, I don't really know why some days and not others, it is just something I recognise/accept and then it washes away. Not everything is worthy of investigation, daily human life is an endless process of ups and downs I think! Hopefully if you teach her how to care for herself it will just be a thing that comes and goes.

I am a woman in my 30s but I can relate to your daughter! I was the exact same at bedtimes but absolutely fine during the day. I used to invent reasons to delay bedtime as I suppose any child does but to the extent I would pretend I had wet the bed with a glass of water and various other things. I remember an occasion when my mum had bought me a paint set and i didnt want to use it incase she died and it was the only thing i had left of her! She was fit and in good health so it was irrational. Looking back my mum and dad split when I was very young and she met someone else who I wasn't comfortable being around (still feel the same about him to this day). This probably doesn't help you with my reasoning but I eventually did grow out of it around the teenage years. It's tough as you want to be able to identify the problem and fix it.

I was and am like this too. I used to worry about things completely out of my control- third world war, did I make an idiot of myself at breaktime today, what would happen if my parents got ill... Anything! It's very normal for a sensitive child, I think.

Is she allowed to read until she's sleepy?

I've never used them but you can get those tiny worry dolls... I know it sounds childish but adults use them too (and their very existence proves that this is a pretty common problem!)

I was and am like this too. I used to worry about things completely out of my control- third world war, did I make an idiot of myself at breaktime today, what would happen if my parents got ill... Anything! It's very normal for a sensitive child, I think.

Is she allowed to read until she's sleepy?

I've never used them but you can get those tiny worry dolls... I know it sounds childish but adults use them too (and their very existence proves that this is a pretty common problem!)

For years I have a weird condition where I fall asleep quite normally, no stress, no particular anxiety in my life, and 10 minutes later I wake up with an overwhelming sense of doom, sadness, anxiety and misery. I think it's something to do with a cortisol surge? No real idea. I'm used to it by now but the emotion is just as shitty as ever, I just give it an oh FFS that again, and put an audio book on, turn over and eventually go to sleep. Worth considering for your DD?

What I'm saying is it could be nothing to do with actual anxiety, but just a bodily reaction?

Our ten year old DD is very similar - mostly fine but sometimes gets an overwhelm of thinking when she's in bed. She's a terrible sleeper (and always has been) but is generally perfectly happy to chill on her own/read her books at bedtime, so I have never got the impression that it's bedtime prevarication. We just give her a cuddle to chase the blues away and sometimes put on an audiobook so she can listen to that rather than any invasive thoughts in her head. I think it's an age thing too.

Do you work? If so what are the arrangements for childcare during the summer holidays? Could she be sub consciously worrying about that?

When I was ten, I went through a horrible stage of being terrified at night. I would lie awake for hours just scared and couldn't fall asleep. I remember asking to sleep in my mum's bed but she always said no and knowing I had to go back to my room made me want to cry with helplessness (likely why I now let my boys come to my bed whenever they like). I had been allowed to watch scary movies and it was obviously affecting me a lot.
It could be something your daughter has seen/read/learned about that is having an effect maybe?

My DS who is only 8 has become like this in the last few months - very scared a tearful at bedtime, frightened if dying or bad things happening.

It is definitely worse when he is over tired I’ve noticed - even just 30 minutes later can make a big difference. He doesn’t seem tired either so it took me a while to work it out.

we did get him a worry monster - seems more for little kids but it has helped a bit.

Thank you for the thoughtful comments. Worry dolls are a lovely idea.

Interesting about the same feeling of doom after drifting off @polkadotdalmation - I often feel like she has drifted off and then woken up (she says she hasn't fallen asleep yet).

Nothing scary she's seen or read (so she says), and no worries about childcare or spending time with us.

She's probably quite tired after school and activities, but then still complains of not being able to get to sleep. We will look into things that can help her drift off.

I actually don't realise I have drifted off, but I experimented and looked at my clock before closing my eyes, and I didn't actually feel as though I'd been asleep, but I 'woke' 10 minutes later with a feeling of almost suicidal depression! It started years ago so I have sort of got used to this weird normal and the sadness and misery isn't as acute as it was, simply I think because it's been almost every night for years. I used to feel that if this is what depression feels like, no wonder depressed people commit suicide.

I used to do this at this age. Sometimes it was learning about something sad like WWII and sometimes I used to imagine my parents were dead and be sobbing away quite into it for some reason 😄. I think it's an age when you start being more aware of these things. I imagine children these days might be worrying about the Ukraine war, climate change etc. Has she not articulated anything specific at all? Maybe you could find some 'comfort books' she can read a chapter of if she's feeling sad. For me at that age it would have been Anne of Green Gables or a Chalet School book or maybe even an old Enid Blyton. Some warm milk or ovaltine might help too. Poor thing xx

Has there been a bereavement in past few years?