Woken up by various family members tonight - how to deal with it

[SingaporeSting]

DH was snoring a lot. We go to bed in separate rooms 90% of the time, but I think this is actually dreadful for our relationship to be that out of sync and quite frankly it makes us like lodgers. So he was in our bed last night. And snored like a rhino.

DD(11) usually sleeps with her black-outs a little open to let natural daylight in in the morning to help with getting up. Sleepovers this weekend meant she was shattered so needed an early night before a busy week at school. So I insisted on her going to bed early (ok) blackouts being totally closed so that she wasn’t awake til 10pm due to summer light evenings (moaning and mild protesting - i say black, she says white kind of typical tween shit). She gets up at 4:15am and tells me she’s concerned it’ll be too dark to wake up (despite her having an alarm and both DH and I will be up getting ready for work so can wake her). I was so angry she came in to “discuss” this at four in the fucking morning (we are 1hr ahead living in Europe btw).

20 mins later, because the sun is starting to rise, the cat is strolling round the house meowing. Then jumps on my pillow. I push him off. He jumps back on. Push him off, he comes and sits on my head. He’s finally got the idea and got off but is making a mischief of himself - annoying our other cat, scratching things loudly, finding shit to kick out needlessly.

I’m 2st heavier than I want to be so was aiming to start the week with a 10 day detox thing, including an earlier start to get up and walk or exercise or something vaguely positive and active. Holiday is looming and I’m cross over not done something sooner but really felt psyched up to get on it from today.

My nose will not stop running/itching as I seem to have developed hayfever for the first time in my life ever.

I could actually feel my blood pressure increasing at each of these events. I’m prob peri and since having the DC tbh my sleep has been precarious.

Now I’ve got that hollow confused tummy feeling, my eyes feel scratchy where they’ve not been closed enough. I feel shattered, and fucking fucked off now.

What I want to do is get them all (family) off to school and work and go back to bed. But I work full time in a senior stressful job and am facilitating something today and am due out for a work dinner tonight.

My (narc) DM would handle this but stomping around the house making everyone know she was pissed off and berating those whose “fault” it was. I’m fucking livid at DH, DD and the cat but know that I cannot, repeat cannot, relay this on to them for fear of just being a clone of my mother.

So hear I am ranting at 5:50am on a Monday morning. Well done if you managed to read to the end. I’d like to say “rant over” but feel like it’s only just started tbh.

Oh and my old cat learned that if he jumped on me and woke me up that he had better learn to land on his feet because he got forcibly turfed out, and if he meowed to wake me up he got a pillow thrown at him. He learned to leave me alone.

I slept on the sofa last night which cannot accommodate my height. I have bad hayfever and struggling to breathe and asthma inhaler not working as well as previous summers. DH has some sort of weird cold which includes night sweats hence why im on the sofa. He woke me twice asking for paracetamol and for help with bedding.

Also worrying about DD who is badly constipated despite lots of movicol yesterday. Shes anxious about soiling herself at school. Fortunately shes an exellent sleeper.

Our enthusiastic collie however kept jumping on me during the night and when I shut her in the kitchen whined and scratched the door. Despite her usually being shut in the kitchen

I actually have the day off today as a treat day following stressful hols with in laws. Suspect im going to be washing bedding and sleeping and not lunching with a friend somewhere nice.

Agree your DD is old enough to be told kindly and clearly that she shouldn’t wake you up with that sort of thing in the night. She’s old enough to understand you need sleep.

If there was another bedroom there’s no way I would share with a snorer. Is he getting help for the snoring?

You’ve all put me off getting a cat.

People interrupting my sleep make me really angry.
So:
-back to separate rooms for you and DH (unless you have a day when it doesn't matter if you're well rested)
-DD is responsible for her own sleep routine. She is not to wake you again like that, life or death only
-cat: close bedroom door or put cat in another room with the door closed if it's going to scratch at the door
-make it clear to your family that sleep is important and if you don't have enough quality sleep you can't do things for them (washing, cooking, mum-taxi - whatever it is)

You have my sympathies OP. Last week in one night DS 13 woke me because his leg hurt a little bit and then because the sheet was wrong. Seriously!?

The cat once sat on my head so is now imprisoned downstairs at night forever.

My elderly neighbour with dementia who sadly shouted at his hallucinations all night is now in a care home so at least that's not keeping me up.

I may have to shoot the sodding pigeons in the garden though...

DH definitely sleeps in his own room every night.

The cats sleep shut in downstairs so they can't wake you. Took our most resistant cat 3 weeks to stop trying to open the door for hours but they now duly line up for treat and bedtime and not a peep until someone is up for the day.

DD - I would have got short shrift from me in the middle of the night, would have been fuming.

What if you thought of it like this: part of your job as a parent is to teach your children to treat people with consideration and respect. You'd be doing your daughter a disservice if she didn't learn that it was totally unacceptable to wake you at 4.15, possibly out of petty spite for being made to have a decent night's sleep herself, but few things would justify that wake up call. She needs to learn.

Sometimes I feel like after yet another moan from me my family feel like they are walking on eggshells but it’s so frustrating when they still don’t ever change and expect me to be the font of all knowledge when it comes to shopping and cooking food. As soon as A levels are over I will be making a change and asking them all to contribute more which I’m sure I’ll get grief from. You not taking responsibility and projecting your own negative feelings onto your Mother is a sign of your own narcissistic behaviour (imo more than what you actually did or said.

I can join!

Last night I decided to kick the dogs out of our bedroom. They should never have been in here in the first place but when we moved house DH was soft because they were “scared” and then they never left.

When we buy soft beds they eat them, but when I bought plastic beds they refused to get in. So I left them to rough it in hallway. They had been out there happily for the evening but they know when we have gone to bed and turned lights off and they think they should come in them.

One calmed down and went to sleep, other one let out a series of low but mournful moaning noises. It went on for about 45 minutes at least but I kept thinking I had to stay strong and it was stopping and starting (DH happily asleep, has medication that has sleepiness as side effect).

Gave up in the end and let them in. One tried to sleep face to face pressed up against me.

Went to sleep.

Around 3am the bedroom door creaked open and DD2 arrived. She has high functioning autism and often comes in and sleeps on floor beside our bed. Fine. Dogs woke up full of excitement to greet her. All went back to sleep.

Then… she got up again, seemed to have forgotten some sort of soft toy… so went through the whole process of in and out and dogs greeting her.

I am trying to lose a stone - but am now having a cup of tea and some white chocolate for breakfast and in wrong mindset 😭

You not taking responsibility and projecting your own negative feelings onto your Mother is a sign of your own narcissistic behaviour (imo more than what you actually did or said.

Can you elaborate? What did I not take responsibility for? How is not wanting to repeat a pattern of narcissism narcissistic?

Agree. Why would you accept a teenager waking someone up about nothing?

Sleep in a different room if you can, sleep is way more important and you’ll feel less murderous towards your husband.

Would earplugs help op? I have a snoring dh too, and whilst they don't block out everything they do help muffle alot. Dd needs a stern word about you needing your rest definitely. And cats - I have 2, they are either shut downstairs at night or sleep with dd1, no open doors or wandering about, they get used to it and nobody gets disturbed.

You need ear plugs!!!!

Shit off dh snoring, you can legitimately ignore anyone coming in and talking to you at stupid o clock.

Only downside is you won't hear the cat coming so it jumping on your head may be more of a shock

I'm joining in!

We were literally just talking about how we shall celebrate summer solstice this year and celebrate the fact that mornings will be coming in (albeit slowly!) - the cat has meowed every single day at 5ish for weeks and we are shattered.

Or his lordship meowington disappears until 3am and reappears with a loud meow by the window. Let him in and he STILL wakes everyone up at 5am!!

Snoring - spray works well! I have the same issue. I elbow him if he snores and then he dozily wakes up and sprays.

Child - Mine received a gentle reminder that I need sleep too. And that if he can't sleep sensibly then there'll be no camping until he can 😂 (he's old enough to be told he shouldn't be telling Knock Knock jokes at 11pm!)

Oh and tell DD that if she wakes in future a little worried about waking up she can always open her curtains herself a little ready for morning and go back to sleep.

You don't need it announced!

By the time it's 10th August sunrise will be at 6am. A little more palatable.

By the end of August it'll be 6:30am

Let the count down begin!

Why would you accept a teenager waking someone up about nothing?

I didn’t. She was told very firmly this morning that it was not acceptable and not fair. And got told that complaining about clothes when she had all weekend to set them was also totally not on. However, she heard DH and I bickering during our competitive tiredness spat and I think feels guilty. I want her to realise it wasn’t on and to not repeat it, but don’t want her to feel responsible for mine and DH’s inability to not keep our cool.

I have a theory that it's a certain point in your sleep cycle that makes you wake up grumpy, not necessarily the time. Last night DH snoring woke me so moved to DS bed who was wriggling. Younger DS woke me at 0645 (just as DH was loudly leaving for swimming) by opening and shutting my bedroom door repeatedly which needs some WD40. He was asking for a snack and we are now sitting on the couch 45 minutes later with the untouched snack in his hand. I'm normally up by 0645 so I'm not sure why I'm so raging but think it must have been the point in my sleep cycle thst wad broken.

You have my sympathy. It won't be the worst thing for DD to learn that waking someone up at 4am for no reason makes them a bit grumpy. Get outside for a short walk today in the sun shine, it will lift your mood, help you sleep better and be the first step on making the choices you want to make.

‘But I work full time in a senior stressful job and am facilitating something today and am due out for a work dinner tonight. ‘

Making this statement and then following it up with oh actually I can wfh and facilitate online oh and the very important work dinner is actually not that important so I’m cancelling it.

When I read your post many of it displays narcissistic connotations.

That’s just my opinion as I read your post.

2 year old, I went in at midnight to give midnight medications

At 1am I went in as they were having a seizure

At 2am it was dystonia, comfort, massage and pain relief needed

At 4am they needed turning in bed

6am sees 6am medication given

At 6.15 they woke up.

This is pretty much my nightly routine, I am tired but it is what it is.

In your situation I would be talking to DD about what she can do to help herself and I would poke DH with a sharp stick.

It's OK op, I've had to scream like a banshee this morning. Nobody would do anything otherwise.

Aw it's so annoying! I find if one things annoys you then everything will when you're tired! But I just wanted to say I don't think sleeping in different beds is bad for a relationship I think it's actually healthy if one of you snores, you both deserve a good night sleep! My husband and I rarely sleep together as we have a young child who also likes to get up several times a night etc so at least if one of us is on duty the other gets a good nights sleep, we both work full time!

The baby woke me at 7.30pm, 8pm, 8.30pm, 10.30pm, 11.30pm, 12.30am, 1.45am, 2.15am… and so forth. The baby is a dickhead.

DD crept in at 5.55am with all her teddies to see if it was morning time. In fairness, the blackout situation in her room isn’t up to scratch and she’s not quite old enough to know that sunlight and getting up time are not the same thing.

DP did not get the opportunity to wake me. Personally I can’t wait for the baby to sleep so I can go back to being annoyed by snoring, and take myself off to the spare room.

OP, you’re not your mother. You can have separate bedrooms to your husband and still have a relationship, in fact it’s better to if the lack of sleep makes you resent him. 11 is old enough to not wake people at that time. Thank you for reminding me not to get a cat until my baby stops being a dickhead, I cannot take it.

Making this statement and then following it up with oh actually I can wfh and facilitate online oh and the very important work dinner is actually not that important so I’m cancelling it.

But this comes at a reputational risk. It’s not great that I’ll be wfh and not in-person. It’s not great that I’ll miss the dinner, as although it’s social, it’s shit to blow it out. The alternative is that I push on through, looking and feeling crap and exhausting myself even more. If I could’ve taken the day off as unwell/mental health, I would’ve done but that would’ve really left people in the lurch.

Like many other posts on MN, I came on to have a rant/pity party. Everything feels irrational at 6am when you’ve tossed and turned and been disturbed for the previous 2 hours. Ffs.