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Original poster

Would you expect your partner to help clear the table if you were a SAHM?

70 replies

greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:32

If you made dinner and set the table and your partner was working from home and still had to finish some work after dinner, would you expect them to put their plate in the sink or no?

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 02/06/2023 23:50

The sink. Jesus. That’s the bare minimum.

Original poster
greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:50

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/06/2023 23:49

Your partner seems to have confused stay at home mother with domestic appliance

You aren't there to be his slave, you are at home to parent your child. It's lovely if you manage to get housework and cooking done in the daytime too, and depending on how old the child is and whether they are in school then there can be a level of expectation around what is achieved.

But you are not responsible for waiting on him hand and foot.

You might want to think about returning to work. His respect for you is low. Either going to work and him having to contribute to childcare fees (if applicable) might fix his attitude. Or otherwise you may find yourself in need of those wages.

Some will probably say I'm over reacting, it's just a plate. But it's not a plate its his contempt for you thats the real issue.

You are right.
I think it irked me a bit because when I used to live with his family, they used to treat me like a maid. and I'm scared this might be the start of him doing that too. I'm probably just massively overreacting though

OP posts:
MorticiaLeah2 · 02/06/2023 23:52

I would not expect this but my partner works full time I only work around school hours I do everything for him even make him a drink if he needs one but what works for some doesn’t work for others he’s the main earner & I feel happy to do everything for him at home

Original poster
greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:54

MorticiaLeah2 · 02/06/2023 23:52

I would not expect this but my partner works full time I only work around school hours I do everything for him even make him a drink if he needs one but what works for some doesn’t work for others he’s the main earner & I feel happy to do everything for him at home

You sound very kind. Lucky partner of yours!

I make him coffee/tea and bring him lunch/snacks etc whenever he asks .. but this kind of irked me

OP posts:
wingingit1987 · 02/06/2023 23:54

Yes- my kids all scrape their own plates (even the two year old attempts to). So I would expect my husband to help. We always share the kitchen reset.

GeraltsBathtub · 02/06/2023 23:55

greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:47

No no meeting, he just walked out, said "Got to get back to work" "can you please help me and put your plate in the sink?" "No, I've got work. Also, give the baby a shower"

Show quote history

Does he do anything around the house? Because I feel that taking your plate out is the lowest of the low bars. I’d get a job too and start treating him the same way!

AllotmentTime · 02/06/2023 23:56

Your updates mean it was shitty.

Had it been a “I’ll finish work while you’re cleaning and then we can do something nice” vibe that would have been okay. But it doesn’t sound like that at all.

PickAChew · 02/06/2023 23:59

Yes. You're not his mum. He'd have to clean up after himself AND cook his own dinner, if he was single.

MorticiaLeah2 · 02/06/2023 23:59

I think you’re also very kind & thoughtful to do things like that , it’s more of a sign of appreciation from me our daughter is 8 so I could work more but dont feel I have to do I like to show I’m grateful for that ..

do you feel he’s grateful to you for doing these things ? My friends often say I do too much but I feel it’s a sign of love & looking after I think Aslong as it’s appreciated it’s not a bad thing x

Toxicityofourcity · 03/06/2023 00:02

greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:42

Thank you, I told him to please pick it up and said he had work, and walked out

Well then I'd have left his dishes for him to pick up after his 'very important' few minutes of work. Children can't put their dishes in the dishwasher, I'm sure he can!

CombatBarbie · 03/06/2023 00:02

greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:42

Thank you, I told him to please pick it up and said he had work, and walked out

I'd have left it... You're not the skivvy.

erlangshen · 03/06/2023 00:03

yes, if I cook he does the dishes. Its inrelevant whether im a SAHM or not, it has always been this way since we knew each other.

Soproudoflionesses · 03/06/2023 00:08

This is a matter of principle OP!
You have already cooked etc.
Putting a plate in sink is a nothing job and l would be v hacked off if DH assumed it was down to me - he needs to learn some respect!

GlitteryGreen · 03/06/2023 00:08

God it's actually appalling how many men think being a sahm is a code word for skivvy. You are not a maid of all work!!

jannier · 03/06/2023 00:09

greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:47

No no meeting, he just walked out, said "Got to get back to work" "can you please help me and put your plate in the sink?" "No, I've got work. Also, give the baby a shower"

Show quote history

The order to give the baby a shower tips it even more into the I think nothing of you as a person I work so I own you category. What an arse....no dinner no washing etc from me

UsingChangeofName · 03/06/2023 00:53

The more you post, the more this isn't about not moving a plate at the end of one meal, but is about the fact he seems to think he has some sort of housemaid.

As others have said, I expect anyone who has eaten to leave the table with something in their hands. Many hands make light work and all that, means 'clearing up after a meal' isn't such a thing - it's just automatic.

Very occasionally, someone is rushing off to a call / video call meeting, or literally rushing out the house to get to a physical meeting, and other people can pick up the slack, but the idea that one person just leaves the table without moving some things to the dishwasher / sink on a daily basis is just alien to me.

The whole thing of making him a drink or taking him a snack whenever he feels like one is ludicrous too. But then I don't understand why you wouldn't have just raised an eyebrow, or even laughed the first time he 'demanded' it.

Indoorcatmum · 03/06/2023 00:55

DH to takes my plate and his when we have finished. He puts them on the side and I rinse and do dishwasher.

Home stuff is my job, but imo it's a kind courtesy for him to clear the plates because I cooked our meal.

Little gestures go a long way

SheilaFentiman · 03/06/2023 01:03

Yes. The deal in our house is that whoever doesn’t cook clears up. If DH has work to get back to, he asks if I mind clearing up on his turn. I will because it’s infrequent and he asks, doesn’t get stroppy!

bussteward · 03/06/2023 01:04

greenduckling · 02/06/2023 23:54

You sound very kind. Lucky partner of yours!

I make him coffee/tea and bring him lunch/snacks etc whenever he asks .. but this kind of irked me

Show quote history

You do what now?! Stop doing that for starters.

Put his dirty plate in his office/on his desk/keyboard.

RafaistheKingofClay · 03/06/2023 01:09

If he’s delaying all home stuff to you and won’t even put his plate away, then he definitely doesn’t get to tell you when to shower the baby.

If his family have a history of treating you like this then now seems like a good time to put your foot down and set some ground rules. It might be that cleaning/housework is your responsibility if that’s what you’ve agreed on but everyone picking up after themselves is the bare minimum responsibility for anyone living in the house. It’s definitely worth dealing with before children pick up the same attitude that you are the skivvy.

Okshacky · 03/06/2023 06:47

Leave the plate on the table and take the baby out for an icecream at McDonald’s or something.

SummerSimmer · 03/06/2023 06:49

I would yes, a SAHP isn’t a skivvy.

Wallywobbles · 03/06/2023 07:43

No one leaves til it's all cleared away and washing up is dried and put away. I'm no one's maid.

YouJustDoYou · 03/06/2023 07:47

I'm sure he can cope walking his plate to the sink, for goodness sake, you're not asking him to do all the laundry etc.

PhoenixArisen · 03/06/2023 07:50

Is this the first time he's done this?
Everyone takes their own plates, cutlery and glass and rinses and puts in the dishwasher. The kids have done this since they were young. Dh is not an exception to this.
Does your dh ever make you tea or coffee?