Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

'Abuse' or neglect in relationship has turned me into a horrid person-has this happened to anyone else?

42 replies

BreakingHabits · 01/06/2023 20:45

I've been with my DP for a few years. We don't live together.

There's been issues with DP treating me horribly in front of friends 'showing off' or just refusing to talk to me while in company of others, never contacting me/calling me while we're apart, leaving me at events/days out/parties and just going home, blanked me when cannot be bothered with me (I once had a real problem that I needed DP's help with immediately and DP just ignored and turned away from me as if I was nothing), stonewalling me if I tried to talk,I could go on but you get the picture.

DP has acknowledged all this. Said has issues/might be autistic/doesn't realise doing it...And is trying to change. Has noted this behaviour has ruined previous relationships too but...

The problem is me now. I appreciate DP is making more effort but I feel so low and depressed and unappreciated and just, nothing now. Lost so much confidence.

On a few occasions I will become really very upset and have a go at DP about it all, I don't say anything particularly nasty or bad really, just the truth about how I feel but It's just not right, and makes things worse. I am snappy and cry so easily.

I've never been like this, ever. I've always been a quite happy person, but I 'love, love?' if that makes sense. I love giving and receiving it. And I've felt so much like I am just nothing to DP, over a long period of time that it has changed 'me' into the abuser now. I've done this several times. It's worse if I've had a drink but I can't blame drink as I've done it sober and I am usually just someone who gets happier after a few glasses of wine, too. So It's not really that, just worth mentioning as I think if I have been squiffy, I let my guard down and it happens-but as I've said, it isn't really just that-I'd just stop drinking ever, altogether but it wouldn't solve the issue.

I am actually really scared. I don't know why I do this, I don't understand it, and I don't feel I recognise myself at all. How can I make sure I never do it again? I want to work on the relationship and this just makes me feel so guilty and terrible after I've done it, upsets DP and makes things so much worse.

Has anyone been through anything similar? This is just not ME at all. I am well-versed in therapy (I work in MH) but I can't afford it at the moment. I can't get it through the NHS either as I'm under a different type of therapy for something else altogether.

OP posts:
Mamette · 01/06/2023 20:47

I can’t fathom why you think this person is your partner.

I don’t intend to insult you and I’m sorry if it’s harsh. But I’m what way is this a partnership?

Original poster
BreakingHabits · 01/06/2023 20:53

We're meant to move in together soon, just waiting for DP's rental contract to be up and a few other loose ends.

OP posts:
wowie69 · 01/06/2023 20:55

I think I know where you're coming from...

I'm in a long term marriage and for a long time I gave it my all. I loved freely, did nice things for him, sought affection, instigated sex etc.

My partner has never been awful to me or abusive, but it got to a point where I realised it was all me doing the giving, and just withdrew to stop myself getting hurt by the rejection. Is that what you mean?

LemonLimeDivine · 01/06/2023 20:58

Please don’t move in with this guy!!!! This will not improve.

Velvetbee · 01/06/2023 20:58

Leave, you deserve so much better than this.

Original poster
BreakingHabits · 01/06/2023 20:58

I have done that, @wowie69. I just stopped 'needing' DP for anything-don't get me wrong I've lived independently since I was very young and don't find myself a particularly needy person but, I stopped wanting the telephone calls, stopped wanting any attention at all just accepted that that was it, DP wasn't going to be the sort who liked to talk or show affection or spend time. DP HAS been making an effort,we've talked more, gone out to do things more, spent more time together. I definitely hear you on the rejection part. Just doesn't seem very interested in me, in any way at all but insists that this isn't the case!

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 01/06/2023 20:59

You're like this because your partner is an abusive arsehole and he's worn you down.

I'm going to assume that your confidence is very low to have continued to allow yourself to be treated with such contempt by someone that is supposed to love you? He's certainly done a true gaslighting number on you for you to think that you're the abusive one!

You may "love love" but nothing you have described is love. It just isn't. It's not what a healthy, normal, adult relationship looks like and it is such a shame you can't see it.

Mamette · 01/06/2023 21:01

BreakingHabits · 01/06/2023 20:53

We're meant to move in together soon, just waiting for DP's rental contract to be up and a few other loose ends.

The living situation is moot though really. There’s no partnership in terms of him being there for you. Ignoring you in front of his friends? Wtf?

MorrisZapp · 01/06/2023 21:02

Oh no just end it. Please don't move in, you will be so sad and hollow if you live like this.

Workawayxx · 01/06/2023 21:04

I don’t think you’ve been turned into a horrid person. You’re reacting perfectly reasonably and normally to someone who has been horrid to you. It’s like a mental immune system telling you to get away from him. How can you have any love, respect or care left for him? I’d definitely not let him move in and end the relationship. You don’t have to put up with what he has done even if it’s in the past.

TheYear2000 · 01/06/2023 21:05

OP, his actions speak leader than his words. He might be saying the right thing, but you know that the way he behaves isn't right and it's affecting how you act and behave. This is a toxic relationship.

I used to be in a similar relationship and became so down and desperate for crumbs of affection. We'd have moments of crisis and things would improve for a bit then he'd go back to his natural state- not being loving or affectionate. I was so certain I wanted to be with him that I made excuses for his behaviour and convinced myself that what I really wanted- a loving caring relationship- was a fantasy. I was wrong- loving, happy relationships are possible and honestly I can now see that being single is better than being stuck in a miserable relationship where only one person is loving/trying.

Please OP, life is too short. Don't move in with this guy. You deserve better. Read "Women Who Love Too Much"- from your description I think some of this might resonate with you.

TheYear2000 · 01/06/2023 21:06

Ps what WorkingAway says about mental immune system is spot on! Your nervous system is trying to tell you to defend yourself against the threat this guy represents

incognitodorrito · 01/06/2023 21:07

This man has sucked nearly all the joy from your bones OP. You love Love. He sounds spiteful and spineless. Please remove this man from your life. As soon as he’s gone, the bitterness will also go, your enthusiasm & zest for life will return. Honestly you will be incredibly confused as to why you ever bothered putting up with his humourless arse !

kokotheguerilla · 01/06/2023 21:10

BreakingHabits · 01/06/2023 20:53

We're meant to move in together soon, just waiting for DP's rental contract to be up and a few other loose ends.

Oh lovely. Ten years ago this could have been me writing your first post. His specialty was waiting for me to go to the ladies in a pub/restaurant/friends house and when I came back out he’d just left.

When I finally got out of it, my sister said “you’ve started to behave a bit like you again. I thought I’d lost you there for a while”. Honestly that made me sob.

Why do you think you deserve this treatment/that this is what a happy relationship looks like? You deserve better.

incognitodorrito · 01/06/2023 21:11

Listen to your mental immune system OP !! @Workawayxx has it spot on. Good Luck.

Smallyellowbird · 01/06/2023 21:15

He's shown you that your feelings aren't important to him so why are you with him? He doesn't respect you and doesn't care about you, so why stay with him? Fall in love with love with someone else.

SusanSHelit · 01/06/2023 21:17

There is a name for this behaviour you're displaying.

It's called reactive absuse and is exactly what it sounds like. "Abusive" behaviour that is in reaction to being on the receiving end of abuse.

Please don't move in with this tit op. Get out while you still can

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 01/06/2023 21:21

You're in a permanent state of fight or flight mode in your central nervous system, hence the out of character behaviour. Your body thinks its in danger (I suppose it is in a way). Be careful, subject yourself to this for too long and you can end up with complex post traumatic stress disorder. Whatever his excuses are for his behaviour it doesn't matter, and the best indicator of some ones future behaviour is their past behaviour. Moving in with him would be a dangerous situation for you, I suggest you do the opposite, and move on from him.

dinoice · 01/06/2023 21:25

Under no circumstances do you need or allow this man to move in.

Moving in together should be a happy, exciting event.

The fact you have started to shut down emotionally is screaming alarm.

Well bloody done you for noticing your own response. Posting here.

Now you take the support and advice here and get rid now. Flowers

Plutoniumplates · 01/06/2023 21:41

This sounds very familiar to me when I was with my ex. I'd spent a long time in the early years doing the chasing, the effort, the affection, everything and recieved nothing in return. It eventually got to the point where I had so much underlying resentment for him and the relationship that I couldn't even stand to be around him anymore and would simply create arguments just to get him to leave. His attempts at effort and affection made me feel suffocated and it became very draining.

The best thing I ever did was leave and completely cut him off. I sought support for the obvious abuse I had suffered with him and therapy for my own behaviour and feelings towards the end that I'm now in a much better, happier place. I feel the weight has been lifted and I finally feel good in myself again.

Please don't move in with this man, it will only get worse on both parts and you will eventually lose yourself in the underlying negativity that you are feeling. When a relationship no longer makes you feel good and enhances your own qualities then it's time to choose yourself and leave.

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 21:43

I don’t understand why you want to live with him, do you?

wheresmymojo · 01/06/2023 21:54

Are you being a 'horrid person' or are you reacting to having your boundaries walked all over many, many times.

It's perfectly normal to be angry when someone treats you badly. Especially when they've effectively fobbed you off with 'I've always been like this..' / 'I might be autistic'

Why do you think you should be 'nice' about it?

wheresmymojo · 01/06/2023 21:55

BreakingHabits · 01/06/2023 20:58

I have done that, @wowie69. I just stopped 'needing' DP for anything-don't get me wrong I've lived independently since I was very young and don't find myself a particularly needy person but, I stopped wanting the telephone calls, stopped wanting any attention at all just accepted that that was it, DP wasn't going to be the sort who liked to talk or show affection or spend time. DP HAS been making an effort,we've talked more, gone out to do things more, spent more time together. I definitely hear you on the rejection part. Just doesn't seem very interested in me, in any way at all but insists that this isn't the case!

So in summary, he isn't meeting your perfectly reasonable relationship needs.

DivorcingEU · 01/06/2023 22:05

There's a good chance he's making an effort prior to you living together and once you do, he's comfortable and it'll go straight back to how it was.

I came from an abusive upbringing and my immune system had been vaccinated against this sort of crap, so I didn't spot the problem in my DH. All I can say is do not move in together. Your problems won't disappear because you're living together. They'll get worse.

All the time you spend with him hoping things will improve, you're losing out on meeting someone who both says they cherish you and shows you in their actions.

Whether he has autism or not is besides the point. Really doesn't matter. His behaviour is not suddenly not abusive because he has autism, or may do. The point is you're not happy! And that's really important to recognise. You're allowed to be with someone who treats you the way you need to be treated.

HemlockStarglimmer · 01/06/2023 22:15

I could have written this. I finally left after nearly two decades together. Took me a while to find the real me again and I'm not sure I fully have.
Please don't move in with him. You deserve better.