'Abuse' or neglect in relationship has turned me into a horrid person-has this happened to anyone else?

[BreakingHabits]

I've been with my DP for a few years. We don't live together.

There's been issues with DP treating me horribly in front of friends 'showing off' or just refusing to talk to me while in company of others, never contacting me/calling me while we're apart, leaving me at events/days out/parties and just going home, blanked me when cannot be bothered with me (I once had a real problem that I needed DP's help with immediately and DP just ignored and turned away from me as if I was nothing), stonewalling me if I tried to talk,I could go on but you get the picture.

DP has acknowledged all this. Said has issues/might be autistic/doesn't realise doing it...And is trying to change. Has noted this behaviour has ruined previous relationships too but...

The problem is me now. I appreciate DP is making more effort but I feel so low and depressed and unappreciated and just, nothing now. Lost so much confidence.

On a few occasions I will become really very upset and have a go at DP about it all, I don't say anything particularly nasty or bad really, just the truth about how I feel but It's just not right, and makes things worse. I am snappy and cry so easily.

I've never been like this, ever. I've always been a quite happy person, but I 'love, love?' if that makes sense. I love giving and receiving it. And I've felt so much like I am just nothing to DP, over a long period of time that it has changed 'me' into the abuser now. I've done this several times. It's worse if I've had a drink but I can't blame drink as I've done it sober and I am usually just someone who gets happier after a few glasses of wine, too. So It's not really that, just worth mentioning as I think if I have been squiffy, I let my guard down and it happens-but as I've said, it isn't really just that-I'd just stop drinking ever, altogether but it wouldn't solve the issue.

I am actually really scared. I don't know why I do this, I don't understand it, and I don't feel I recognise myself at all. How can I make sure I never do it again? I want to work on the relationship and this just makes me feel so guilty and terrible after I've done it, upsets DP and makes things so much worse.

Has anyone been through anything similar? This is just not ME at all. I am well-versed in therapy (I work in MH) but I can't afford it at the moment. I can't get it through the NHS either as I'm under a different type of therapy for something else altogether.

I don't think you should move in with him, he will make you miserable.

Please, please don't move in with this appalling man. He has been abusing you for years, and you are so worn down by it you can't see it any more.

You are not the problem. You are not a horrid person, you are a lovely person trapped in a horrid relationship.

Please, please dump this bastard and start enjoying your life again.

Certainly therapy can be a help, but your first concerned is getting away from that person you call your partner. He is no partner. He is abusive and you don't deserve that. The "maybe autistic" part is laughable. Autism does not make a person an asshole.

It’s an awful thing to say and it took me a while to realise, He doesn’t love you, he loves what you do for him.

It’s absolutely not abusive if you to try and get across to him the many ways in which he has been abusive to you! Please don’t think like this.
You’re unhappy. this is not a relationship that can ever make you happy.

Why, why, why are you settling for this creature?
He’s abusive, he’s cruel, he’s bloody horrible. Bin him, he will only get worse.
This is the sort of man who puts women in refuges.

You do realise that things will be worse if you live together?
It'll be harder to separate then.
This man has all the excuses under the sun but he's not changing his behaviour. His words mean nothing and his actions shows him for what he really is - a horrible abusive man who doesn't care for you.

The inner you is saying no, loudly and very clearly. The inner you is trying to sabotage this relationship because you aren't saying no. Listen to your inner voice as it is trying to protect you. Hes has been horrendously abusive to you.

Do.not.move.in.together!

I tried reducing my need for emotional support after my ex told me I shouldn't care so much. He never contacted me when we weren't together - sometimes for days at a time I would barely hear a word. He would rarely return my texts. I wanted a little contact, I wanted to feel wanted. We'd been together over 14 years!

The effect of me switching off my emotions was that I felt cold and resentful towards him and over time I'd numbed my expectations even though deep down I was crying out to be cherished. Love isn't just words - it's actions and behaviours.. It was no longer a relationship. I ended it as I'd got to a very. very low ebb and could see no future.

Just finish it and find someone that isn't so emotionally devoid.

His behaviour has demonstrated clearly, repeatedly, you are not emotionally safe with this person. Your conscious mind might be trying to override this by rationalising, giving umpteen chances, trying to improve things etc etc, but you have learnt the valid lesson very well and you're sub conscious is screaming it loud and clear.

The best and most reliable predictor of future behaviour are the patterns of past behaviour in almost most cases with few exceptions. His treatment of you was incredibly hurtful and disrespectful, you should think twice before committing further and you should seriously consider whether being with someone who turns you into something you are not is what you want.
Good partners lift us and bring out the best in us.

This makes no sense, OP. Why would you even contemplate moving in with someone who treats you badly and makes you unhappy? Who cares if he’s ‘making an effort’? It clearly isn’t much of an effort.

The fact that you blame yourself for responding with sadness and anger to his mistreatment is very alarming.

I lived for a long time like this with my STBX. I wouldn't say he was abusive more like indifferent . Never stuck up for me , did anything nice spontaneously, or seem to care. I wanted to be cherished and loved as my parents seemed to be and his too for that matter. Think he loved what I provided for him, a very comfortable home life.

Like you, I became sad and resentful and lashed out in frustration when I felt unheard. Lost all respect for him and wanted to leave but felt so disloyal and worried about kids . Plus had been together years and I felt scared about going it alone. He solved that for me by being unfaithful online. Funny thing even there he could not bring himself to be the kind of man that women would want.
Don't waste any more time with this guy . He will never change and you will always be settling for less. You really deserve better and you just can't see it while you are in the midst of it. This moving in stage seems the perfect time to end the relationship.

Thank you so much for all the replies. Just trying to digest them all

Why?!?

Whyyyyyyy would you consider even for a second moving in with this man now?!?!

Setting aside all the rights and wrongs and reasons - any relationship that makes you feel like this is a relationship that doesn't work. It doesn't give you what you need. It makes you feel awful. That is not a relationship worth preserving!

Genuine question. Why are you still there? You aren't married, you don't have the ties of shared property or children. Why would you genuinely think you might be abusing him, and still stay?

How are you doing, @BreakingHabits ?
It must be a lot to take in, everyone's comments. So many of us have been in similar relationships to the one you're in. I think it's really hard to accept the reality of your relationship, which I guess is what we've all been able to read into your description. Do be gentle on yourself. It's so easy to fight for things and think that that's the right course of action. Sometimes it is, but really, relationships shouldn't be this hard work and they should make you feel better about yourself, not worse. You are lucky to have started to realise what's up before moving in together or committing further.

You deserve so much better and you will be so much happier. There's honestly nothing lonelier than being in an unhappy relationship where the other person doesn't make you feel loved or good.

Moving in with him for what reason?
You have been given sound advice.
Break the cycle.
Why live a miserable existence for one person.