zero motivation - how to get out of very deep rut?

[NeverendingCircus]

I'm in so deep a rut I don't know how to begin to get out. I've been googling How to get out of a rut and suggestions like 'break goals down into small parts' make me just want to hide under the duvet as I can't even face thinking about how to do that.

Background:
I think I have very severe empty-nest syndrome. Both DC have now left home. One comes back fairly often, the other almost never. I miss them terribly and feel like the purpose of my life has fallen apart. I loved being a mum and took it very seriously as I didn't have a very supportive childhood. Been trying to find a therapist locally who deals with this but it doesn't come up on any of their lists of things they work on.

I am self employed but currently have no work as several clients have postponed projects. I know I will be very busy in about a month and have a few weeks free until then. This should be a lovely time to get on with my own projects but I feel almost frozen. Spent yesterday at my desk just staring into space. Today I haven't got out of bed and can't even face having a cup of tea in the sunny garden.

I feel no motivation to do anything that would be rewarding, such as decluttering the house, getting back into a fitness regime, getting on with some private work projects ( a book I'm trying to write) or even prepping the busy work period ahead of me.

I'm feeling very little joy in most things. I went on holiday recently and enjoyed that. I can be temporarily distracted by stuff like going to see a show but I want to be active not just passive and yet I can't find the drive to make a start.

What the fuck is wrong with me and how do I start to sort it out?

Thank you for reading this long post.

are you menopausal or peri-menopausal? I’m guessing you’re of the right age if your kids have left home. These are classic symptoms and why women are often mis-diagnosed as being depressed.

Thanks for your reply.

I'm post menopausal. About 3 years in. Never had HRT. I have some patches but never used them as the lists of potential side effects terrify me and I also can't stand the thought of starting beleeding again as I had decades of very heavy, long painful periods so I found menopause an absolute blessing. This feeling is relatively new - but if I'm honest has been brewing for about 9 months.

Do you have any advice?

You sound similar to me. Anti depressants have been the answer x

This is completely understandable and I imagine I will feel the same when my little boy is grown up. Your kids become your whole world so it’s understandable that when they grow up and leave home it is going to be a very difficult time for you.
I’m not sure what can help you through this time but if you think your kids will be open to meeting you regularly/talking on the phone that might help a bit 🤔

@Tidsleytiddy did you get your motivation back?

@ToddlerMama27 - thank you for your kind post.

One thing you can do right now is start being nice to yourself about it. 'What the fuck is wrong with me?' is a very unkind way of looking at it. You need someone to take care of you right now, and as an adult, that falls to you. S, take care of you. Even if you can't move, you can reassure yourself that you need to rest, that you don't need to want 'tea in the garden', you've got some space in your schedule, so it's ok to not do anything for a while, etc.

Once you're on your own side, you might feel less pressure, and when disabling levels of pressure ease, we can develop motivation.

What would it feel like if you said to yourself that you were allowed to spend the rest of this week like this, no questions asked? No wondering what's wrong, no pressure to enjoy yourself; just fine to feel as you are, and do anything or nothing, as you feel the will?

Thank you so much for this post. It's very helpful. I have been told in the past that I lack any self-compassion and that does make it hard work when things go wrong, so I will try and listen to you. It's not that I don't believe in it, it just never occurs to me to think or behave in that way, so I need some outside nudge to do so.

This is such a wise and lovely post.

Go easy on yourself - you’re going through a massive life change with your children leaving home.

If you have free time you don’t actually have to do anything. You’ll be busy in a month so take this time to relax and give your mind and body a break.

You are allowed to look after yourself.

If you did start HRT now it would be the post-menopausal type that does not cause a bleed. If you take it as gel/patches many women have no/minimal side effects.

You could post on the Menopause board for more information.

A couple of things occur to me.

First, are you a bit of a perfectionist? You don’t have to find the perfect therapist who lists your exact issue on their website (you might need to trial a session with a couple to see if they’re a fit, but that’s OK). You don’t need to declutter the whole house or write the book. You don’t need to break down everything into all its smallest actions right at the beginning - you just need to ask yourself, what one thing can I do right now? It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t solve the big problems.

Another thing- you can be passive in the sense that you can just enjoy things as they’re happening (holidays etc) - that’s fine! You need to be active in the sense of planning those things in, though. So maybe you should plan the fun stuff this week, not the worthy self-improvement stuff? Another holiday, trip, coffee with a friend, theatre etc.

Last, maybe you are motivated by service to others and being set free from that by your children leaving by the nest is an area to focus on. You could look to volunteer at something if so. Or - if you want to be able to take the time for you but this block is holding you back - you could reframe to say that in order to continue to give your children the best of you, you must make a fulfilling life for yourself now so that they don’t have to worry about you or feel guilty.

Get a dog.

I agree that a therapist doesn’t need to have the exact thing written in your profile to be right for you. Really, it sounds like you’re trying to find joy and meaning in your life again.

You don’t mention anyone else in your life so I wonder if there are friends or family who you could open up to? I feel like I know the feeling you’re describing and I personally would be helped by someone taking me by the collar and helping me book things in with them.

If you had already got Pilates at 10am, book club at the library at 1pm, drinks and theatre with friends at 7pm, even if you felt completely dreary in the morning, if you could scrape yourself up and go to all those things (with a friend ideally) that tend to help me.

Lots of life changes in 2020 (as for lots of us). Had terrible vaginal stinging and burning etc and urine infections. No dr at the surgery diagnosed vaginal atrophy. Was put on antidepressants and they calmed me down and helped me to rationalise things. Finally prescribed (I asked for) some HRT cream after researching and following reviews. It’s resolved and I’m grateful for that but truly the antidepressants give me the lift I needed. I was always anti such things and was an advocate of “pull yourself together”. I now realise that sometimes we can’t and we need a little help. Honestly I’m so much better. I have a positive outlook now. I look forward to the day starting whereas before I’d think ffs another 24 hours to get through. Give them a try and see if they work for you x

I am so sorry you are struggling; you describe the emptiness and lack of purpose with vivid understanding.
It does feel like a cosmic shift when children leave, one which I have also found extremely difficult.

You mention that you had an unsupportive childhood; perhaps you never had the kind of empathic maternal care which gives people the strength to feel that their own lives are worth living, and that they themselves are worth taking care of. Sometimes people who missed out on some of the nurturing they needed as children pour love into their own kids but never feel that they themselves are worthy of care. This is something a good therapist might help you to address.

What about getting on the train to Scotland and completing a trail like the West Highland Way? All you need to do is take one step at a time and focus on that. Each day - get up and walk. That is it. Either camp or book B&Bs en route. You can arrange for a bag transfer too if you don't want to carry a large backpack.

Time in nature is very healing and being on a specific trail gives you a purpose. You will meet other walkers from all phases of life.

It broke up my rut and helped me.

It must leave a gaping hole initially.Especially when you have not enjoyed the benefit of family support plus done it as a single parent.

No doubt the same feeling will apply to me when my ds leaves home in a few more years. Can you just allow yourself time to adjust and be less hard on yourself? How about paying for a monthly massage or a facial or something to give you a pick me up? I appreciate it may not change your life but it shows you value good self care.

I second getting a dog.

Also, everyone is so obsessed with productivity - rest is also productive!

Definitely look into therapy too - wouldn't have thought it would have to be empty nest specific, they all start with your childhood anyway.

<manly squeeze>

This post has given me a lot to think about and a lot of your guesses hit home. I do think I want to do some voluntary work to replace that feeling of being useful which being a mother provided. (Not that I'm not a mum any more but they are both adults now and they really don't need me hovering in the background all the time.)

I would LOVE to do that. The West HighlandWay! I might do exactly that.

Yesssssss!! Please do. I am so here for this thread to end up a walking the west highland way thread. I want to do the Camino or another long one one day too. For good inspiring material, I recommend the book and movie Wild, based on Cheryl Strayed’s memoir walking the pacific crest trail.

(she also has a magnificent self help podcast called Dear Sugars if you’re so inclined. With the strong message of ‘you can change your life’ which sounds like it might hit the spot now).

But, having said I'd love to do the West Highland Way, there is part of me that knows I am very good at distracting myself with pleasurable activities but not so good at facing difficult issues head on. I can imagine having an amazing time then coming back and thinking: here you are again!...

I like the idea of a monthly massage or facial @Zippedydoo123. And @AceofPentacles I have taken on board what lots of people are saying about finding a therapist and having a go rather than waiting to find the exact right one. Thanks for the manly squeeze

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted. I really appreciate it. Every single post has been so thoughtful and useful and offered ideas that I wouldn't have reached by myself. Some very helpful insight and suggestions. I was in an absolute fog yesterday and today. I've realised I can't just snap my fingers and clear it. It needs some time and outside help.

I can definitely relate to your post!
Allow yourself to “grieve” your past life as a busy mum. Do nothing, watch rubbish on tv, hibernate for a while.
Antidepressants may help (they did help me).
If you miss being needed and mothering get a dog! A dog will love you, demand attention and will get you outside. You will make dog friends.
Be nice to yourself in tiny little increments. Wear those nice earrings or the “good” top. Buy the slightly more indulgent version of whatever you are buying anyway. Buy yourself some flowers.

I am wondering whether becoming a Home-start volunteer would suit you? It would help give you the sense of purpose you are missing and it sounds like you are a great mum and from your own childhood it sounds like you also know how hard parenting can be.