zero motivation - how to get out of very deep rut?

[NeverendingCircus]

I'm in so deep a rut I don't know how to begin to get out. I've been googling How to get out of a rut and suggestions like 'break goals down into small parts' make me just want to hide under the duvet as I can't even face thinking about how to do that.

Background:
I think I have very severe empty-nest syndrome. Both DC have now left home. One comes back fairly often, the other almost never. I miss them terribly and feel like the purpose of my life has fallen apart. I loved being a mum and took it very seriously as I didn't have a very supportive childhood. Been trying to find a therapist locally who deals with this but it doesn't come up on any of their lists of things they work on.

I am self employed but currently have no work as several clients have postponed projects. I know I will be very busy in about a month and have a few weeks free until then. This should be a lovely time to get on with my own projects but I feel almost frozen. Spent yesterday at my desk just staring into space. Today I haven't got out of bed and can't even face having a cup of tea in the sunny garden.

I feel no motivation to do anything that would be rewarding, such as decluttering the house, getting back into a fitness regime, getting on with some private work projects ( a book I'm trying to write) or even prepping the busy work period ahead of me.

I'm feeling very little joy in most things. I went on holiday recently and enjoyed that. I can be temporarily distracted by stuff like going to see a show but I want to be active not just passive and yet I can't find the drive to make a start.

What the fuck is wrong with me and how do I start to sort it out?

Thank you for reading this long post.

I'm really interested, reading back all the responses, that not one person has told me how to get back into high-motivation mode. Every single person has said to just be, just relax for some time. That has really surprised me and made me rethink.

To all the PP who suggest a dog, maybe I will, in time. But for now I have a very elderly and ailing cat who is probably on his last legs and I don't want to rock his boat at all. He is still very loving and loves a long cuddle even though he can barely eat or walk. I'm probably stressed about losing him too, if I think about it.

@TwigTheWonderKid - Homestart appeals a lot. That's a good idea.

Maybe life is slowing you down a bit so that you can be who your cat needs you to be for a while. I bet he loves it when you sit still and cuddle him.

But, having said I'd love to do the West Highland Way, there is part of me that knows I am very good at distracting myself with pleasurable activities but not so good at facing difficult issues head on. I can imagine having an amazing time then coming back and thinking: here you are again!...

But, what is so wrong with distracting yourself with pleasurable activities? Why isn’t it OK to do that and come back and think, Here I am again - let’s plan another adventure?

Sometimes I think you just need to listen to your body. Spending a day staring into space is ok! You spent long enough tending to the every need of your children. Take a break.

My sister volunteers once a week with Meals on Wheels and loves the interactions. Also it is not a major commitment timewise.
I'm a firm believer in the benefits of staring slack-jawed into space.

If you’re interested the West Highland Way and haven’t read Raynor Winn’s books, I can highly recommend. You might find her message interesting too. Essentially, about losing everything and walking because they might as well. And finding the importance of a connection to the land. The Salt Path is the first, and the third, Landline, tells of her walk on the West Highland Way.

Theres so much pressure to be busy and positive and fill every minute that I think we’ve lost sense of how important it is to just ‘be’ sometimes, and how much good it can do you.

I spent most of lockdown like this - partly enforced of course but it was absolutely what I needed after a stressful divorce and house move followed by the onset of the menopause. I’m ruthless these days about getting time to myself where I don’t have to plan anything or answer to anyone, I can’t function properly without it.

Maybe look on this time as a gift to yourself, a chance to get to know ‘you’ again and figure out what you’d like for this new chapter in your life. Don’t be too hard on yourself, you wouldn’t push a friend to do anything they didn’t feel ready for so extend the same kindness to yourself.

PS am just reading The Salt Path and second the recommendation

I completely agree with so many of the kind replies on here and also relate to how you feel (although I’m not at that stage yet). I think you should stop trying to motivate yourself and just be. Be kind to yourself and use this time before work gets busy again. Long term you’ve had great advice but it’s okay just to mooch and treat yourself and go slow for now. I think you deserve it.

You're overwhelmed and feeling a mental paralysis. Forget the major life overhaul for now and focus on being kind to yourself. Start with a routine.

A getting ready and breakfast routine for the morning. Write it down. Nothing complicated. Eat breakfast, clean teeth, washing up. Wash face and moisturise, brush hair, get dressed. Commit to doing it regardless of how you feel. Then something to cheer yourself up before dinnertime comes.

You mentioned cuppa in the garden. Break the task down, write down each step in a list. So -

find a cup,
find tea ingredients,
boil the kettle,
brew the tea,
gather a jacket/picnic blanket/magazine or whatever you need for cuppa in the garden,
take it all to the place you'll sit,
set an alarm on your phone for dinnertime so you don't lose track of the time.

Then eat.

Then do something in the afternoon. Maybe one hour of house chores or life admin so it doesn't all get on top of you. Again, make a list. Don't worry about perfect, just do something, anything will be an improvement on doing nothing.

Do something relaxing. It'll help with the overwhelmed feelings.

Tea time. Eat again. Try to pick something healthy to nourush your body, but anything is better than nothing.

Have a rest. Read a book, watch TV. If you're feeling tense, exercise can help get rid of the stress hormones.

Get washed and comfortable, put out your clothes for tomorrow, go to bed at a decent time. Whatever your problems are, you can't solve them when overtired and stressed in the middle of the night. So focus on relaxation and sleep.

Repeat day after day. Give yourself time to sit with your thoughts and feelings. Keep a journal of that to get it out. Gradually the overwhelm will lessen and you'll be able to do more and think clearer. I guess a therapist focused on relationship problems would be the one, empty nest is loss of a relationship, a sort of grief maybe, loss of your identity as "mum" now who are you? Your relationship to yourself.

Agree with others just allow yourself to do what you fancy. I would also come up with a few things you haven't tried before or haven't tried in quite the same way and see if you feel inspired. Sometimes being creative for you and being able to tell your kids and others about your mini adventures is good.

I have tried using an e scooter that is for hire near me, hiring a kayak, being more adventurous in what I eat (not hard in my case), walking more, getting outdoors more, getting a bike and using it often, trying an aquafit class and being more willing to chat to random people and meeting up, willing to try a different hair cut and different clothes. I am doing a thousand mile challenge this year. I sometimes feel a bit daft, but it has made me happier.

If a lack of motivation has tipped towards something more, don't hesitate to speak to your GP.

If none of that works, what would you counsel your kids to do to shake things up and get out of a rut?

You will always be their mum!!
I am reading a super interesting book at the moment called "do less"
It is speaking volumes to me

Your thread did too, I am unmotivated too.
though I am in a v diff place, need to be earning more, dc still v much at home and needing all the stuff doing for them 👀

Sending you love across the internet to be kind to yourself

Some great advice here. Hope you’ve been able to be kind to yourself OP

How are you doing now op? Difficult childhood here and have been contemplating empty nest syndrome (although it is a fair way off). Still worrying me as DC have been and are my focus. I have no fulfilling career to fall back on. It's like I've had an early wake up call and I'm feeling pretty lost. Perimenopause is not helping the situation (and I am taking HRT). Will likely look at anti-depressants soon.

Interestingly, I have received the advice do less when I'm inclined to fill the days to distract myself from thoughts. I work not many hours from home. My energy is lacking and the thought of more work feels overwhelming (even voluntary work currently and I have considered home start but not motivated to proceed). Everything kind of feels meh (I have a high degree of anxiety) but I know I've got to do something sooner or later. Just feel frozen. I do enjoy being out in nature and I am considering getting a dog. Not sure what the answer is.

I feel stuck too. Spent a whole
Morning in bed, dicking about on here, snoozing. I am behind in so many ways.
It's scary really.

Coming back to say thank you so much to all posters who replied. I think the thread wasn't showing up on my feed, so I didn't realise there were more replies.
I've just reread them and realised you are all saying the same thing, so I will listen. Update is that I stayed 'frozen' doing absolutely nothing for several more weeks. But the busy work period has just started and forced me into action and I do feel better now that I have a temporary purpose and almost every minute, from dawn to about 8pm is filled with intensive work.

But when this finishes I will stop properly, not frozen but actually resting which will feel more purposefu, and allow some time to reflect and adjust.

Thank you again for such lovely supportive replies. So kind.

@Poohstorybook and @squeezedinthemiddlewithyou - your descriptions are both very close to how I feel. Maybe follow the advice of the other posters too and just let yourselves be for a while without judgement or worry about being inactive.