Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

My husband has been on cam girl websites again and I don't know what to do.

36 replies

onlinegirls · 25/05/2023 12:22

It started when I was pregnant, the first time, he swore he wouldn't do it again. Did it a second time. Blamed it on stress of pregnancy. Promised he would stop. And he's done it again and again and when I finally told him it was a motive of divorce for me, he begged me to stay, swore he had never chatted with any of these girls and was just there because the live aspect was exciting. He told me there was another website where he could watch the recordings only, I told him I would stay if he promised not to go on those live websites anymore and stick to the recording ones. He said yes.

Now, almost a year later, I found out he's been on it again.

He keeps swearing to me that he's only been watching, not interacting, that he doesn't even have an account. What's the point of going on these websites then? Why not stick with recordings? He just says he should have. He doesn't offer any rational explanation.

Am I overreacting or does this really feel like cheating?
I know I'm a massive mug, that he's done it over and over again. I just find it so hard to leave. Would I be doing a massive mistake? We have a little boy together, would I be overreacting and unneccessarily destroying his stability? I'm a stay-at-home mum right now and don't have enough finances to go away just yet. I also don't have any family or friends around.

How do I fix this if there's any way to fix it?

OP posts:
MegaClutterSlut · 25/05/2023 12:25

This would be a deal breaker for me too and you can't fix it. Its down to your dh to fix it and he's shown he doesn't give enough shits to fix it as he keeps doing it. He probably didn't even stop imo

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/05/2023 12:26

You can't fix it. If it's a deal breaker for you then that's it. He won't stop.

MayBeee · 25/05/2023 12:28

You either learn to turn a blind eye and accept he is probably paying something ( nothing in life is free , don't be hoodwinked into believing his shit ) or you make plans to leave and tell him it's over.

danni0509 · 25/05/2023 12:28

No you’re not over reacting. I don’t know a single woman that would be happy with their husbands doing this.

Personally, I would have left long ago.

He’s going against your wishes over and over again, not giving a shit about you.

00100001 · 25/05/2023 12:28

Leave.

Farmerking · 25/05/2023 12:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NameforMN · 25/05/2023 12:33

On the surface of it you may convince yourself it's ok as it's not 'real'. But, it's still a breach of your trust and the question for me would where else it would lead? How long before he takes the next step to a real life meeting? I'd leave him, but that's easier said than done.

EverythingsCominUpMilhouse · 25/05/2023 12:33

You're not overreacting.

Sadly, it sounds like he has an addiction to it. Anything that we do that releases dopamine can be highly addictive. Unless he seeks help, he will most likely not be able to stop doing this.

This is your choice on whether to stay together or to walk away. Think about yourself and your little boy. Do what is right for both of you.

I'm so sorry you've been put in this position 😞

TellKingTutIWantMyMummy · 25/05/2023 12:34

It’s a boundary you have set and he can’t stick to it. He won’t respect you, he keeps getting away with it. End it.

Gettingbysomehow · 25/05/2023 12:36

He's done it three times and has said three times he'll never do it again and basically blamed you and the baby - there is zero remorse here.
It is pointless talking about it to him again as he knows he can do it without you leaving.
Therefore you have a choice, either ignore it totally (my mother) or go ballistic and tell him to get out (me).
I wouldn't put up with that shit.

Original poster
onlinegirls · 25/05/2023 12:39

Thank you all x

OP posts:
Peanutlatte · 25/05/2023 12:44

onlinegirls · 25/05/2023 12:22

It started when I was pregnant, the first time, he swore he wouldn't do it again. Did it a second time. Blamed it on stress of pregnancy. Promised he would stop. And he's done it again and again and when I finally told him it was a motive of divorce for me, he begged me to stay, swore he had never chatted with any of these girls and was just there because the live aspect was exciting. He told me there was another website where he could watch the recordings only, I told him I would stay if he promised not to go on those live websites anymore and stick to the recording ones. He said yes.

Now, almost a year later, I found out he's been on it again.

He keeps swearing to me that he's only been watching, not interacting, that he doesn't even have an account. What's the point of going on these websites then? Why not stick with recordings? He just says he should have. He doesn't offer any rational explanation.

Am I overreacting or does this really feel like cheating?
I know I'm a massive mug, that he's done it over and over again. I just find it so hard to leave. Would I be doing a massive mistake? We have a little boy together, would I be overreacting and unneccessarily destroying his stability? I'm a stay-at-home mum right now and don't have enough finances to go away just yet. I also don't have any family or friends around.

How do I fix this if there's any way to fix it?

I don't understand, you are not against him watching recordings but against if it's live? why is more inmoral to you if it's live? it is because is more expensive?

Original poster
onlinegirls · 25/05/2023 12:46

Peanutlatte · 25/05/2023 12:44

I don't understand, you are not against him watching recordings but against if it's live? why is more inmoral to you if it's live? it is because is more expensive?

Show quote history

Sorry for the confusion,
it's because if it's recorded, it's like watching pre-recorded porn. Where as if it's live, he can chat to the girls, tip them, videocall them, have one-on-one session, make special requests, etc...

OP posts:
caringcarer · 25/05/2023 13:03

I would not tolerate it at all. He is being very disrespectful of you. Your mistake was giving him more than one chance. Now he knows you will just accept it. I'd be divorced from him by now and definitely no more sex.

Fiftyisthenewsixty · 25/05/2023 13:08

I think you should have been clearer from the start but that said, he's not going to change so you either lower your standards or leave.

FANCHEA · 25/05/2023 13:09

If its not OK with you it's not OK. Full stop.

ThatOnePlease · 25/05/2023 13:11

The big problem, and the reason you will end up leaving him, is that he's lied to you. Repeatedly. About something quite important.

Once you cannot trust him, you begin to see how deep that lack of faith goes. It will destroy your relationship.

Also, the 'stress of pregnancy' does not make men or women turn to live online porn.

And you deciding to leave because he lobbed a grenade into your marriage is not YOU breaking up the family.

You threatened divorce. How would you leave him, practically? What's your source of income? Housing?

Zarataralara · 25/05/2023 13:26

For me, I wouldn’t tolerate any of it, recorded , live, whatever, he’d have been out on the street.
Your husband obviously isn’t going to keep to any promise , they’re just all hollow lies to fob you off. It’s your choice whether you stay married or not.

Copout21 · 25/05/2023 14:09

Sounds very similar to my exh, it kept happening despite similar promises from him and threats of divorce from me. He ended up messaging one of the girls, and when I caught him he said he was just chatting and it was ok because he had no intention of ever meeting her. The bar just kept getting lower and lower.
I was a sahp at the time too, but I did eventually leave him. I look back now and regret all the times I compromised my own morals and standards to stay; I wish I'd left after the first time.

Good luck OP, its not an easy situation at all.

Original poster
onlinegirls · 25/05/2023 14:18

Copout21 · 25/05/2023 14:09

Sounds very similar to my exh, it kept happening despite similar promises from him and threats of divorce from me. He ended up messaging one of the girls, and when I caught him he said he was just chatting and it was ok because he had no intention of ever meeting her. The bar just kept getting lower and lower.
I was a sahp at the time too, but I did eventually leave him. I look back now and regret all the times I compromised my own morals and standards to stay; I wish I'd left after the first time.

Good luck OP, its not an easy situation at all.

Thank you so much for your message. I'm sorry you have had to go through this.
I think I will leave.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 25/05/2023 14:22

You've got to leave and I don't say that flippantly but the levels of his disrespect and disdain for you mean the relationship is over

Original poster
onlinegirls · 25/05/2023 15:19

We had an argument and I told him that if stopping cam girls was too hard for him (his word) maybe he shouldn't commit to a partner. He replied saying that he had never regretted to me and that he got a beautiful wife and son and that his heart is crushed when he sees me upset.

I'm sooo pissed. He misses the point entirely. I don't know what to reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
onlinegirls · 25/05/2023 15:20

He also said he only wanted the best for me and it pissed me off even more

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 25/05/2023 15:25

I've been through this too and pp is right that the lying destroys the marriage.

I see private cam sessions as cyber prostitution and public ones as like visiting a cyber strip joint. Would you tolerate your husband using prostitutes or visiting strip clubs? It's no less infidelity because it's "cyber". This thing about it being "just like porn" is what cheaters say to justify themselves. Its not true on any level.

Fundamentally your husband feels entitled to sex, that's who he is. He probably also has entrenched misogynistic views that mean he enjoys seeing women as sex objects and maybe even enjoys paying women to fulfil his fantasies (virtually or physically).

Those attitudes are inconsistent with loving sex in a relationship and they are about him not you.

It took me a long time to process all this and get to this point so I'm hoping i can give you a shortcut

adviceseeker22 · 25/05/2023 15:27

My DH used to frequent these site (maybe still does who knows). My biggest issue is that he was spending the money we didn't have. He has no personal money any more, and that has solved the problem. I've never had any problem from a moral POV (or self confidence) purely financial.