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Original poster

DiL to be question, advice please?

30 replies

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 24/05/2023 10:45

If you were going to stay for the first time with your in laws to be, what would make you feel very welcome in their home?

This is the first time DiL to be has stayed overnight and I really want to make sure all goes, so please hit me with your ideas and suggestions......

OP posts:
DappledThings · 24/05/2023 10:49

Nothing different to how I'd expect to be treated as a guest in anyone's home. Greeted nicely, offered drinks and food at appropriate times. To be part of conversation. Just being normal people!

FloralsHowOriginal · 24/05/2023 10:56

Honestly, she will feel welcome just by you being ‘welcoming’
A warm greeting, offering her a drink, tell her to make herself at home. Ask after her family. Then give them privacy & their own space.
My mil was welcoming whenever dh and I would stop over, but she didn’t give us any privacy. She would constantly knock on the bedroom door, asking if we were ok, she’d come up in the morning and do the same, then come into the room & stand talking to us whilst we were in bed. I always found it weird and uncomfortable. So much so, we stopped stopping over.

2bazookas · 24/05/2023 11:11

Make sure she has disposal facilities for sanitary protection/wipes and knows where they are; invite her to help herself to tea/coffee/ soft drinks and show here where the stuff is. Warn her if somebody in the household must have access to their car/ the only bathroom at x oclock .
Confirm what you'd like her to call you.

Introduce her to the dog, tells her if it has any foibles and check she's okay around animals. Get your son to give her a run down of the usual daily time table so she knows when you usually go to bed/get up/ eat.
/go to work

thecatsthecats · 24/05/2023 11:34

FloralsHowOriginal · 24/05/2023 10:56

Honestly, she will feel welcome just by you being ‘welcoming’
A warm greeting, offering her a drink, tell her to make herself at home. Ask after her family. Then give them privacy & their own space.
My mil was welcoming whenever dh and I would stop over, but she didn’t give us any privacy. She would constantly knock on the bedroom door, asking if we were ok, she’d come up in the morning and do the same, then come into the room & stand talking to us whilst we were in bed. I always found it weird and uncomfortable. So much so, we stopped stopping over.

Ditto!

My husband and I were invited on all sorts of thrilling trips as teenagers. Come to the supermarket! Come round to drop off these catalogues at my friend's house so I can introduce you!

Erm, how about eff off so we can have some private time?! 😂 (to be fair, MIL still does this - for a woman who wants a grandchild so much, she sure acts like someone who doesn't know how they're made!)

By allowing a bit of freedom and private time - which isn't all about sex - your son and DIL will not feel like a visit is something to be dreaded or avoided.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 24/05/2023 11:41

A lock on the bathroom door.

Original poster
MissMarplesGoddaughter · 24/05/2023 18:20

Thank you everyone, that's really helpful. I appreciate it and will be following your advice. :)

OP posts:
ThePensivePig · 24/05/2023 18:21

Just wanted to say that's a lovely question to ask and you've had some great replies. Hope the first meeting goes well!

IamSlave · 24/05/2023 18:22

Make her feel at home, let her help herself to drinks and snacks
... Host but bit today the degree that they, she feels she can't feel at home.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 24/05/2023 18:56

Be friendly and welcoming.

Resist the urge to try get to know her fully in one meeting - conversation not interrogation.

If you have animals, ask if she likes them or if she would prefer if you put the dog outside etc - if people aren't used to pets, they might be uncomfortable around time.

If you are cooking, ask if she has any allergies or strong dislikes.

Better still, send a text to your son. "Really looking forward to meeting Sarah this weekend, and want her to feel welcomed and comfortable in our home. Does she have any allergies or food dislikes just so I know or do I need to lock up the dog or anything if she's not used to pets?"

99% certain, he'll show her the message & she'll feel at ease!!!

thedogisstaring · 24/05/2023 19:01

As pp, just be warm and welcoming, make sure she's offered drinks snacks, allow her some private time. I love my MIL to bits and when we go away together I love that she understands that I need to lock myself in my room for an hour in the evening for a bit of me space!

ArdeteiMasazxu · 24/05/2023 19:11

What not to do - hover around trying desperately hard to please her such that she feels awkward and can't relax in the context of your demeanor of near-panic that you might be failing to be sufficiently welcoming.

But also please don't get out the baby photos or make any comments whatsoever about what your future grandchildren might look like (unless she is actually pregnant)

A good line that's not from my personal experience was "you are our most honoured guest today as we are so pleased to meet you, but next time you'll be one of the family and I hope that will be even nicer" - that way you can make a big fuss of her and get it out of your system, then on subsequent visits you can tone it down and just be nice as you normally would with a much-loved friend or close relative that you aren't desperate to impress but just want to be nice to.

HoisttheMainSail · 24/05/2023 23:01

All these suggestions are great.

Try to keep family reminiscences to a minimum. My friend’s MIL has a habit of whenever she is feeling a little insecure, she will bring up a story from their family’s past and they will talk about it at length. It shuts my friend out of the conversation and it is a way for the mother to try to assert her position as the matriarch.

It doesn’t work as my friend is her son’s
wife and mother to the grandchildren and doesn’t really care about status in the family as she is pretty secure.

i don’t mean not talk about the past - my own IL can be funny about my DHs childhood and I know most of the stories by now.

Oh, and don’t say to your son: “Remember Sarah so-and-so? She’s an acccountant, and she’s single.” While looking pointedly at him 😀(I was sitting right next to him!)

neverenoughchelseaboots · 24/05/2023 23:04

I think just relax. And remember, outside of mumsnet, lots of people like their MiLs!

reluctantbrit · 24/05/2023 23:29

Check with your son if your DIL really dislike any food. I still see my MIL's face when I declined her carrot soup.

I loved that DH told me stuff, like that I can get myself a drink without asking anyone or that he got us towels and organised space for a dress I had with me (my first visit was over Christmas). Tell him to take charge, she will be more comfortable if practical stuff comes from him.

Stay low on the questions about family. There may be things she is not keen on sharing.

Definitetly private time - if you like to have meals together, than organise timing the day before.

If you share a bathroom, then make sure she doesn't have to go through lots of stuff to take a shower and has space to put her wash kit.

determinedtomakethiswork · 24/05/2023 23:29

Just show her that you like her. Buy in food that you know she likes and tell her she can help herself whenever she likes. Remind both of them that you are a bit deaf and that you sleep like a log. 🤣

The thing I've always had to remember is that if you tell one of them something then they will tell the other.

user1497787065 · 24/05/2023 23:34

Also ask what she likes to eat and drink rather than just asking what she doesn’t like. Most of us prefer a particular tea, wine, gin etc

VerasRaincoat · 24/05/2023 23:42

Gosh will you be my mil? Mine was awful from the get go, at times I’ve nearly left DH because his mother is so forceful in interfering and behaving in an emotionally abusive manner. His brothers ex girlfriend left him because of his mother (she was lovely) and his current one is definitely not pleased either so I wouldn’t be surprised if they split too.

My advice? Honestly the normal polite conversational norms of no politics, religion or money. Avoid discussing exclusionary topics that she won’t be able to join in on such as a family event. Avoid saying in our family everyone has to like insert interest like sport etc….

Let her be herself and get to know her slowly. My exes mum who I adored loved all her dils for exactly who each individual dil was. We were all so completely different but she loved us equally. I still send her Christmas/birthday cards because she was just such a nice lady.

Original poster
MissMarplesGoddaughter · 25/05/2023 06:11

Thank you for all your replies. I have read every one and will be following your advice.

Their room has an ensuite, so I've made sure there is plenty of space for toiletries and lots of soft fluffy towels in there too.

I've spoken to my son about food likes / dislikes / allergies.

Thank you too for the comments re. general conversation, I will sharing with DH too. I just don't want to be one of 'those' MiLs.....

OP posts:
HoisttheMainSail · 25/05/2023 06:41

You sounds absolutely lovely.

and remember, she might be quite nervous too. I can recall being on a train pulling into the station on the way to meet my in laws for the first time and seriously considering just not getting off.

I was falling so deeply in love with my now DH I was terrified that his parents would not like me.

All is fine now. But I’m sure I said some stupid things due to nerves in those first meetings, so don’t take anything too much to heart.

Ragwort · 25/05/2023 07:19

Just don't be 'over the top' you can be friendly and welcoming without being gushy.

CateringPanic · 25/05/2023 07:31

I have THE BEST in laws who have made me feel welcome in their home since I was 19 and visiting DH in the university holidays but we weren’t even together then just a FWB type situation. They didn’t bat an eyelid.

Over the years I have contemplated why it was always so easy and I came to the conclusion that they just behaved normally.

Basically just be a normal person around them. Don’t be over the top polite and don’t be a stickler for any “rules” you might have in your house too much if she has different ways of doing things.

cocksstrideintheevening · 25/05/2023 07:45

A bin in the bathroom. Mil never had bins in any of the bathrooms.

MaidOfSteel · 25/05/2023 07:57

It shows what a lovely, thoughtful woman you are that you've asked this. Carry on just being yourself, I'd say.

Campervangirl · 25/05/2023 08:00

When anyone stays over with me I say "help yourself to anything you want, we don't stand on ceremony here but if you make a brew make me one" tinkly laugh.
Show them how to use the shower, where they're sleeping, where the tea, coffee etc is.
I make it clear that they're not a guest but are to be treated and act like family

Original poster
MissMarplesGoddaughter · 29/05/2023 09:02

Just an update for those who were kind enough to give me advice. The visit went really well, DiL to be enjoyed all the meals (in fact she cooked several with me which was just lovely) and said she felt very welcome and part of the family. Now we’re looking forward to her next visit.

OP posts: