Me again, sorry! How to get partner to understand why I don't want to be in their house

[Patienceisntvirtuous]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4613356-wibu-yesterday-not-going-in-their-house

Previous thread.

In short, partner lives with her parents. Her dad is a misogynistic, angry, obnoxious character who loves himself and treats her Mother like something he stepped in. He cheats, lies, financially abuses her, verbally abuses her (and has physically in the past). He doesn't do any of this to my partner as she stands up to him.

He's also in the fairly recent past appeared at the door of the bedroom my partner's Sister's wife was sleeping in at the time (by herself) when she was staying over, with his trousers down-and prior to this, had shoved her into an alcove at a family party and tried to make her kiss him. Partner didn't tell me this, I found out from SIL who thought I already knew.

Around a year ago or more I was staying at the house with partner and he laid into me over something trivial about me that he didn't like, shouting at me across the table and getting louder and louder when I didn't 'bite' (I am used to awful angry men unfortunately and wasn't going to argue back with him-just calmy dealt with what he was saying). I told partner after that that I'd not stay there again, if I visited we'd get a hotel. Partner compromised and we'd then stay at her Sister/SILs house (sorry if this is confusing, all of us are gay women).

Anyway, partner's Sister and SIL have since separated. Sister has moved into a flat.

My partner has three dogs. With the old arrangement, the dogs would stay with us in the spare room. Sister's flat doesn't have a spare room, (or a garden) so we're to sleep on a blow up bed in the sitting room. This doesn't work with the dogs sleeping over too-as her Sister has two dogs and they get along but she doesn't trust them all 'left' together while we sleep. This means that if we stay at Sister's flat she has to get up early and go and walk her dogs (who'll be at her parents, where she lives). It's less than a 5 minute walk, for context. At her Sister's old place they could be just let into the garden and we'd get up and go out with them at our own pace rather than her have to get up and rush out to go and walk them.

This means she is now asking if I won't just stay at her parents with her again.
She says It's safe, because I'll never be alone with him, her bedroom door locks, she'll only leave me to shower/go to the loo or we'll be out.

I still don't want to stay there. Yes, I don't trust him but also I don't want to feel uncomfortable. He doesn't want me there-I don't want to be in someone's house who doesn't want me there. I don't like being in someone's parent's house full stop overnight really but I realise that may be unreasonable. I don't like witnessing how he speaks to her poor Mother either.

I've offered to stay in a hotel and just meet up with her in the morning at her leisure if she wants to sleep at home.

I am trying to find a way to get her to understand that It's not that I'm SCARED of him per se, more so that I just don't want to be around him/in his house. I am not sure what to say to her as she just doesn't seem to understand.

Also am I being petty/precious about this? Should I just 'get over myself' as to not disrupt her having a more relaxing weekend?

Thanks @PimpMyFridge . I don't want to make her life difficult. When I used to sleep at her parents she'd lie in (often until 1500 or so in the afternoon), but at her Sister's she has to get up and go and get her dogs, and she has to drop them off at her parent's the night before, before we go to 'bed'.

Thank you all of you for your honest replies.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings yes, I probably do need a plan. Partner is not the type to openly talk. She told me some time ago when we were speaking of her moving in that one of her obstacles was not knowing if I'd visit her family with her.

@FictionalCharacter SIL (who I was and am quite close friends with now) said similar to that-'they' as in girlfriend and her Sister, SIL's ex, do recognise that it is bad and not normal but are used to it all the same.

Yes, I mentioned that in my OP too, I think that is quite serious to be honest.

But yes, I've stood firm. I will get up and walk the dogs with her, but I am quite an early riser anyway (too early sometimes/insomnia!) and she isn't so it is quite different to her normal weekend routine. She gets up early if she has a reason to (she has a hobby she does some weekends for example) but if It's just a normal day, or if nothing much is happening she'll be in bed until lunchtime and sometimes much later.

Honestly, I would get far, far away from all of them.

Doesn't your partner work?

She has dogs but sleeps in until after lunch? How does that work then? And how can you stand that level of idleness? She sounds awful actually. What do you see in her?

i think she knows damn well why you won’t stay and so does he. They are both trying to force you to spell it out and then gaslight you into the bad guy corner. Don’t play. Just say “You tell me…” or ask them why THEY think you have problems staying there.

Thank you @DirectionToPerfection .

I guess-I mean, she's very uncomfortable with the situation and I just wanted to help her come up with something to say that wouldn't mean he'd get angry and take it out on her Mum (i.e. a reason not directly related to him). Her Mum knows the real reason-she really is lovely. She gets a lot of gifts due to her job and I get most of them ('smellies' as she has sensitive skin, wine as she doesn't like it) and she won't take a penny off me although I do send her things back or tell my partner to get her things from me.

I think she does understand how her Dad is, but she has never experienced someone changing their behaviour because of it or someone deciding that they wanted to protect themselves from it even to their own inconvenience. In her world you just get on with it. I'm just a bit different to that.

@WalnutWhippy she doesn't because she says she'd keep me safe from it, and I believe her in a way, she'd probably floor him if he tried anything-but, I don't want to be in a house that has that dynamic (him abusing her Mum) I'll explain about the shouting incident too..

@CalistoNoSolo some time ago she and her Sister got her Mum away. They sorted her out a flat and moved her into it.
Someone paid another family member a small sum of money to tell her Dad where she was and he persuaded her back. There's been other instances too, her Mum just keeps going back she also does stand up for her Mum, tells her dad to get off his backside and do some work etc-she works opposite shifts to them both so doesn't see a lot of it though.

And yes on the 'partner' thing, thank you- a bit of straight privilege at play came to mind, I don't always want to use 'girlfriend' plus I feel a bit too old and that It's a bit too casual for this situation.

@Brefugee I do remind her of that all the time.
Unfortunately my Father is similar in the angry/shouting thing BUT he treats my Mum MUCH better than her Dad. I truly couldn't handle my Mum being in that situation. At least with my Dad, I live local and can (and do!) just walk away from him if he loses his temper. Plus my Dad isn't a perv.

@Hoppinggreen honestly, I'd show my bum in Harrod's window if he wanted to/could be bothered coming here. He's just not interested in any of his family and barely leaves the house other than to work

@Sparkletastic we did do that for quite some time, I've just relented as to be honest I did miss visiting her town. Its nice to be around her friends and do different things to what we do here. And also it was obviously upsetting for her that I'd not visit so we compromised and stayed elsewhere.

@Newestname002 yes that's exactly how I feel.
I'd never want him in my house although as I've said, I really do not think it'd ever happen-he couldn't be bothered travelling here. Plus even if he did, I'd be on my own property then and wouldn't feel I was imposing on someone who didn't want me there, could ask him to leave, would have other places to go etc.-it simply wouldn't be as bad.

Of the shouting incident-it is explained on a previous thread (not the one I've linked but It's embedded into that one!) but, she didn't intervene at all which at the time irritated me although (unfortunately) I am no stranger to angry men and I held my own-I have no problem doing that. However she told me later that the reason she didn't was she wanted to see her Dad get shot down by a 'feminine' woman (my girlfriend is mistaken for a man often as she presents as very masculine and does very stereotypically 'male' things in terms of dress, job, hobbies). She's been this way since very young. I am very feminine looking on the other hand (small, like my dresses and skirts and heels, long hair) and she says he thinks he's 'above' women like that and didn't intervene as she wanted him to know I wouldn't take it. Anyway, that's probably another thread.

How does she ‘allow’ if? If the mother doesn’t want to leave him then she can’t really do anything but be there for her mum.

I remember you posting about this situation before, (when your GF slept in and you were left doing your own thing in her DP's house) it's clearly causing you a lot of anxiety, you need to toughen up, stop pussyfooting around your girlfriend. TBH you sound a bit like a lovesick teenager. You've obviously been together a while but it seems everything is on her terms.

“She told me some time ago when we were speaking of her moving in that one of her obstacles was not knowing if I'd visit her family with her.”
It really isn’t reasonable of her to expect you to visit this horrendous household.
She seems to be quite damaged by her family circumstances, unsurprisingly.

She told me some time ago when we were speaking of her moving in that one of her obstacles was not knowing if I'd visit her family with her.

However she told me later that the reason she didn't was she wanted to see her Dad get shot down by a 'feminine' woman (my girlfriend is mistaken for a man often as she presents as very masculine and does very stereotypically 'male' things in terms of dress, job, hobbies). She's been this way since very young. I am very feminine looking on the other hand (small, like my dresses and skirts and heels, long hair) and she says he thinks he's 'above' women like that and didn't intervene as she wanted him to know I wouldn't take it.

Seems to me she see you as her buffer - she’ll let her father go for you as it saves her from it.

I also think you’re underestimating the stunts abusive men pull. Her father may not visit his family regularly, but if he was visiting your house it wouldn’t be to visit his daughter - it would be to make you uncomfortable/unhappy.

I’m really concerned that you don’t see your girlfriend’s behaviour as manipulative and coercive, @Patienceisntvirtuous. Staying around that man would be traumatic for someone who HADN’T grown up with abuse. It would re-traumatize me to be near him. She doesn’t hear this when you tell her? Is her desire to take her dogs to her parents place more important than you being traumatised if you go?

@OhComeOnFFS eon

Yes, she works nights. Used to be half nights but now It's full nights.

@CalistoNoSolo on week days she walks them before and after work-at weekends she's in 'night mode' still I guess but the dogs will wait (when she's at home) for a walk when she gets up and before she sleeps.

I do like a lot of things about her.

@Fraaahnces I just don't want him to take it out on her Mum which is what partner says will happen if it is revealed to him why I won't stay there any longer. I told her to say I just don't feel comfortable in someone's parent's house especially as she sleeps so late.

I do appreciate the responses-I am seeing now that it is unreasonable of her to expect me to stay there, even the shouting incident is enough. I don't want to be where I am not welcome and I don't like hanging about waiting for her to get up, and I don't like the dynamics or being in their house.
She does know why I won't stay, definitely but she is unhappy that I won't, I just wanted to ask others in order to make sure I hadn't 'laboured my point' regarding this.

@RunningFromInsanity that is it-she wont leave him ,has several times and just goes back ] It's a story we all know well I suppose.
@Ragwort could you explain the 'lovesick teenager' thing, please? I think I remember your not explaining what you meant on my previous thread, a similar thing? I apologise if it wasn't you.

It hasn't been on her terms, I've refused to stay there and have only recently even began going to her home town again at all.

@FictionalCharacter thank you-I am definitely seeing things more clearly now. And I agree regarding damage d] she just won't see it.

@YetMoreNewBeginnings he never has a go at her. He simply doesn't dare. He's said the odd thing and is shot down by her immediately, he's afraid of her.

It's nearly a 3 hour drive to mine, he just wouldn't be bothered to do it or at least I'd be extremely surprised. He likes being at home and waited on hand and foot and with her Mum to boss about-he'd not get any of that from either of us and he knows it-he never goes anywhere aside from work.

@Fraaahnces Unfortunately I did grow up with abuse-but I don't take it from my own Father any longer, I certainly don't want to put myself into a situation with somebody else's!
I told her I'd be on eggshells the whole time I was there and she said 'I know'. I've told her I just cannot be there and that's that.

Manipulative and coercive, genuinely, how is she do you think?

I think in this situation you can either change your own behaviour (stop going to visor/stay at all) or just say it’s not your problem at all what she tells her dad.

She can tell him what she likes, can’t she? He’s not your problem.

I just don't want him to take it out on her Mum which is what partner says will happen if it is revealed to him why I won't stay there any longer

This has a bad feel about it. She’s almost saying that you’d be to blame for his abuse of his wife. She’s making you feel almost guilty. Yet you say he’s afraid of her and never has a go at her. Does she not feel that this makes him more angry and likely to take his frustration out on her mum? Her way of thinking seems distorted.

She can lie to her parents if she wants, tell them anything she likes to avoid provoking her father (as she sees it), but she should absolutely stop trying to pressure you into going there. And she should make an effort to understand why you feel the way you do (your feelings are completely reasonable). But that means making and effort to understand herself, and I suspect this is problematic for her. She’s adopted a strange way of thinking to survive in that household, and I’m sure she doesn’t see what it’s done to her.

@Patienceisntvirtuous She knows how her father makes you feel (which is not insignificantly traumatised - regardless of your past) and believes that you should suck it up to please her and placate him. She is now holding your future plans together hostage because you won’t fold. If we were reading about a man saying similar to a woman in a heterosexual relationship, the thread would be full of people saying that he’s a bully and is being coercively abusive or gaslighting you to manipulate you into tolerating a scene you have clearly delineated with a line in the sand.