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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU yesterday not going in their house?

17 replies

Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/08/2022 10:11

I ask because my girlfriend is frustrated with me. We've not argued, she's not upset or anything, I just want others opinions.

This is an old thread of mine explaining what happened but it's a bit long

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4492119-To-say-I-dont-want-to-sit-with-them-again?page=1

TLDR, my girlfriend lives with her parents and her dad is a creep who's looked me up and down a few times, but has come on to her SIL twice, once by sneaking into the bedroom she was sleeping in with his trousers down when she was sleeping over at their house.

Hes also a total misogynist who treats her mum like dirt. He's horrible.
Last time I was there (just before I posted that thread), He became very angry with me over something that was none of his business, shouted and ranted at me for ages and called me a slob (because I drive an old car that he sees as 'scruffy'. My car is in perfectly reasonable condition not that it would affect him if it wasn't).

Anyway I took mn advice and I've not stayed at my girlfriend's house since. She visits me or we stay elsewhere.

My gf is staying with me for about ten days at the moment. I have a family event and we've been away to another event, have friends visiting etc etc, but yesterday she had an appointment so we drove to her hometown for that and then came back to mine.
She asked before we set off,if I'd be okay going to her house for a bit before the appointment. I said no. I asked that she dropped me in the town(5 mins from her house) and I'd have a look around the shops, I needed a few bits anyway, and I'd meet her after her appointment.

I don't want to be where I'm unwelcome and I didn't understand why she didn't realise I'd not want that.

She did it, but she was very unhappy about it. Frustrated is her word, doesn't understand why I've 'let him get to me' we'd only be in her bedroom anyway, felt guilty for me wandering about town alone when i could just relax with her for 30 minutes (I was fine in town by the way, bought a few bits I've been needing for a while, and when it starts raining I went and got a coffee in a pub, it was quite nice to look around somewhere I don't know well).

Should I have just gone to hers with her? I'm a bit nervous of her dad and also of just turning up when it is known by her mum why I haven't been going there.

TIA :)

OP posts:

Comefromaway · 17/08/2022 10:14

You are not being unreasonable for not putting yourself into a situation where you feel uncomfortable.

bunsnroses1 · 17/08/2022 10:19

Yanbu, your girlfriend is by directing her frustration at you, rather than her hideous dad.
There’s no future in your relationship if she can’t see this.

35965a · 17/08/2022 10:21

You have your boundaries and well done for sticking to them. I don’t blame you one bit.

Dragmedown · 17/08/2022 10:37

YANBU, you have stabilised boundaries and stuck to them.

But don’t lose sight of the fact that your GF has grown up around her misogynistic father and is likely enmeshed and has learnt to survive with certain behaviours. It’s harder for her to a) establish similar boundaries and b) accept any perceived hostility towards her family.

Have a chat about this visit but wait until emotions have died down and so it in a safe space for you both.

Original poster

Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/08/2022 10:42

My girlfriend is very masculine presenting (butch) and has been since she was very young, we've often had discussions around how she just doesn't experience the world through the eyes of other women in the same way (although of course meets other challenges).

She's had physical fights with her dad before when he's been nasty with hr mum :(
Thank you all. I wondered if I were being a bit precious or need to 'get over myself'.

OP posts:

godmum56 · 17/08/2022 10:44

I think I'd be thinking hard about staying in the relationship TBH.

SpiritedAway22 · 17/08/2022 10:45

I would be questioning if I wanted to stay in a relationship like that. You sound like a very kind soul.

Heronwatcher · 17/08/2022 10:49

Nope, YANBU stick to your guns. Turn it round- why would you want to go there? Why would she want you there? Sounds like you had a much nicer place in town. She either needs to try harder to understand and accept your boundaries or the alternative is that she’s using you to needle him deliberately which is not on.

Georgeskitchen · 17/08/2022 10:53

How old is your g/f? You mention in your previous post that you're 41 so I'm assuming she's a similar age. Why is she still living with her parents?

Original poster

Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/08/2022 11:05

Georgeskitchen · 17/08/2022 10:53

How old is your g/f? You mention in your previous post that you're 41 so I'm assuming she's a similar age. Why is she still living with her parents?

A few years older than me. She just isn't a high earner and moved back in with them to save spending most of her money on rent.

She moved out fairly young, then before she got with me she split with her ex and moved back in, then she had her own place for a bit while we were together but found it expensive and had her parents available to her so moved back in. Not something I could personally do but not something I had a say in either.

OP posts:

TheCutter · 17/08/2022 12:34

Oh hell no. Yanbu at all. Definitely stay away, the man sounds horrible.

Original poster

Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/08/2022 14:56

@Heronwatcher that is a very good point isn't it?
I've not brought it up again, and we're fine. I was surprised that she was surprised when I said no to it.
@SpiritedAway22 thank you. I felt a bit mean but I'm glad I stuck to my own choices.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 17/08/2022 15:05

I'd seriously think about this relationship, OP, if your gf is frustrated at a boundary you have set.

What does she say about what happened with the SIL? (does the SIL still visit?)

Original poster

Patienceisntvirtuous · 17/08/2022 15:37

I will have another talk with her about it. Because I'm still confused as to her thinking I'd be okay with it. I did say to her I didn't expect her to be surprised, I'd told her I wasn't going after (thread 1!) And haven't been since.

SIL (Gfs sisters wife, sister also gay) visits very infrequently now whereas she used to very often. My gf didn't tell me about the incidents, SIL did. I was really shocked that gf hadn't disclosed it to me. GF said to me something such as 'well he's never come onto any of my gfs, ever, he'd not dare and if he did he knows what I'd do to him!'

Shes not afraid of him at all. But then neither is her sister.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 17/08/2022 15:44

She exposed you to being sexually assaulted, then downplayed it. I'd have rethought things at that point. She isn't respecting your boundaries at all. You need conversations around that.

Brefugee · 17/08/2022 16:06

OP you must love your GF an awful lot, they sound like a pretty rough family (what with the dad and his daughters being blasé about how sleazy he is around them)

Original poster

Patienceisntvirtuous · 18/08/2022 00:22

@Ponoka7 she really was surprised at how concerned I was about it.

Me and SIL don't look so unalike either. It just made me really uncomfortable but she said he'd never done it to her (her partners) and never would dare. @Brefugee SIL said something similar regarding that. That they're aware what he's like but never do/say anything about it :(

OP posts:

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