Is it really different when it's your own?

[Maebh9]

People say this all the time but I think they must have a higher baseline tolerance than some of us.

Would a child transform my personality for the better? Am I much less patient and caring than most other women?

My mum was a good mother and always says the different when it's your own line but she also seemed really angry at the world for most of my childhood.

Don't worry I'm not going to try it and find out just curious about the idea.

It won't change your personality.
It is different with your own in that you are much more tolerant of your own child's mess and noise because you love them. But if you are a stressed, impatient kind of person having a baby isn't going to make you easy going and laid back.

I mean, of course it’s different when it’s your own. No one feels the same about their own children than they do others. But that isn’t a reason to have them.

I never wanted children ever and didn’t have any interest in any children other than my sisters. Got pregnant by accident and now I have two kids of my own and I’ve found that I actually like other people’s children too now!

You’re asking two different questions, though. Yes, obviously giving birth/adopting and raising your own child 24/7, knowing them through and through etc is completely different to being even a pretty involved aunt or godparent.

Whether parenthood changes you is a separate issue. You’ll get a range of responses here, understandably, but not in my experience — I‘m essentially the same person, but with a child.

I think it is different when it's your own child, or children, because you can't get away from the responsibility like you could easily with any other child.

Your own child wouldn’t change your personality but you would love it and have have a sense of responsibility for it that would make you do what you needed to do.

Of course it is. Just like it's different spending time with your own partner versus someone else's.

It’s different in that I generally find children annoying and gross, and my own IS annoying and gross but compensates for it with the occasional nice bit/snuggles.

It won’t fundamentally change your personality and that can be difficult: I’m an introvert who likes a lot of alone time, quiet, and not to be touched. Lol. I’m impatient and eye-rolly when someone doesn’t just follow instructions. Also lol.

But your mother could have been angry your entire childhood for all sorts of reasons: PND, parenthood stunting her career – which doesn’t have to happen to you, tiredness – part and parcel of children but it’s OK to sleep train.

The thing is, though, your own children are 24/7. Even once they sleep, they’re still your responsibility; if they’re poorly at night, you don’t sleep; poorly in the day, you don’t go to work; they’re with you all weekend – there’s a lot of time standing around windswept playgrounds or going to noisy birthday parties or doing all the chores you can’t fit in in the week because you’re doing their tea and bedtime and piles of washing and nursery runs and activities. You have to really want a baby!

Partners are different because you pick them! Kids are a lottery. You might get the best person you will ever meet or you might get a fanny.

The responsibility is as I'd feared. I am not a responsible person, I'm a corner cutter.

Weird to think that most other people are better at something than me. Makes me feel a bit inadequate.

I did not like children at all till I had my own. Tbh I still don't but mine are amazing obviously 😇 so yes its different when it's your own. Now that doesn't mean they can't be annoying sometimes or push your buttons but it's a different type of thing when it's your own child

I feel like you must have seen something potentially likeable about them before taking the plunge, though? Otherwise it would have been a seriously scary gamble.

I disagree that it doesn't change your personality. Having children has 100% changed my personality. I am much more patient, calm and confident than before. My priorities have also shifted completely and I am much clearer on what is important to me.

Because I wanted to be a mum eventually yes doesn't mean I like other people's kids still can't stand them so hasnt changed that, Biological urge i guess 🤔

Before I had kids, I liked some kids and not others.

Maybe you just haven't met the right kid yet 😂

It is different when you have your own, I loved my nieces and nephews and thought it'd be similar. The truth is that I love my DCs on a totally different level, it's not even comparable for me.

I think the thing to remember is you don't have to have them if you don't want to. It's not a law that you have to want to have kids.

Having said that, I felt like you did a bit, when I met DH I didn't want kids. I changed my mind enough to have two, and I am prepared to care for my own children in a way I would not for anyone else's, even my siblings' children. Call it love, responsibility, hormones, whatever. You do it because you have to, and because you want to, enough to not drop them on the nearest church doorstep.

Wel it's totally changed my personality, I'm a much better person now in all sorts of ways. I'm not that fussed about other people's children either but mine are the best 😄

You are who you are and that's ok. Nothing to feel inadequate about. I struggle to keep myself in one piece, and thanks to a late-in-life ADHD diagnosis, I understand myself better and am accepting of who I am.

This is the reason why I won't have children. You aren't more inferior for not feeling like you want them. You aren't of less value.

I guess it’s similar to having a job. I assume you work, OP? And you take responsibility at work, because you have to? The consequences of not doing so are that you could lose your job.
When you have children, the consequences of not caring for them properly are obviously pretty severe. So you take responsibility, and step up even when you’d rather be lounging in the garden with a glass of wine.
However, I don’t think having children actually changes your personality, just your priorities. Some people aren’t cut out for having children, and that’s fine. The world would probably be a better place if more people who don’t like children decided against having them.

They made me much more patient.
Enjoying life just in the moment.
More focus and motivation to give them a happy, loved, stable home and childhood

They give you a direct connection to the future you won't live to see.

I am a much happier, healthier, content patient human for having children.

Yes it is different when they are your own. Still only really like a handful of kids that includes ours but have a slight interest in other children's wellbeing because they are our children's peers.

If you don't have a supportive partner or friends and family who can help in an emergency, it can be very stressful, difficult and frankly unpleasant. It's the biggest responsibility you will ever have. And yes, it's a lottery. You have to adapt to your child's personality and cope.

The good news is that if you understand this and are willing to put the work in regarding boundaries, etc. the child is likely to be pleasant company and not annoying most of the time, as you see with other people's kids sometimes.

When DD was born my nieces were 18, 16 and 14. I think I had my share of witnessing them growing up and was definitely in the camp "I like them but I like more that I can drop them off at my sister's" camp.

With your own child you obviously have the good, the bad and the ugly but also the amazing, the great and the fun all the time. So I think it does teach you passion and also how to compromise and negotiate.

It doesn't make you perfect or suddenly a lover of all things children. I still don't like them in mass, I still hate arts and craft and I was glad that DD became a person you can have a conversation with instead of guessing what the cry meant.

Your tolerance level drops for things like a tidy house (not permanent, it will get better) and yes, you will do things you woudn't have dreamt you do because your child like it.

This is pretty much how I feel too. Children give you a bit more perspective. However I don't think this is limited to your own kids, I think teachers, social workers etc must also experience this too - working closely with children who aren't cynical.etc must give you a different view of the world.

It also means you look back at your own childhood quite a lot and analyse it and choose how you want theirs to be similar/different.