Is it really different when it's your own?

[Maebh9]

People say this all the time but I think they must have a higher baseline tolerance than some of us.

Would a child transform my personality for the better? Am I much less patient and caring than most other women?

My mum was a good mother and always says the different when it's your own line but she also seemed really angry at the world for most of my childhood.

Don't worry I'm not going to try it and find out just curious about the idea.

'You are who you are and that's ok. Nothing to feel inadequate about. '

Completely agree. It sounds like you know yourself very well, and are realistic about what you can and can't cope with. That's the really important bit. Women who have children aren't 'better' than you or morally superior to you. I went through stages of really wanting to have children but I just knew that I wouldn't cope well with the reality of it all, so no kids for me. I think it's important to be as clear headed and pragmatic as you can about such a big decision

I actually think thinking about who you are as a person, how you would be as a mother and deciding maybe it’s not for you kind of women are superior in some ways.
I admire how you know yourself. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and I try to be the best mother I could be. But I didn’t really think about it I got married and had kids because that’s what “women do” in my generation.
I am winging it everyday and it’s very stressful at times. I think I would still have become a mother but I would have done more and worked on myself more before I had them. I just didn’t have the for thought. I think women nowadays are encouraged to do more and be more in themselves from a younger age.

Nope. I think ‘liking children’ is as pointless a generalisation as ‘liking adults’. I had a child out of pure curiosity. I was pretty confident that even if it turned out less interestingly than I hoped, I’d still be a good enough parent. I had just the one, though, and never considered another.

This is true. I don’t know how anyone can either like or dislike children as a whole, as they’re all different 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Hell no! I couldn’t be doing with kids.

Biological imperative, innit.

Now I like teens immensely, like kids, really like toddlers, adore babies.

It changes everything. Suddenly your heart resides outside your body, in theirs. Every hurt, every slight, an every illness or mishap and you’re desperate to make it better for them. They might be assholes, but they are yours and you see the best in them even when you want to kill the little buggers.

When they were born I could stare at them while they slept like they were telly.

Things I couldn’t think of dealing with for any one else I could handle for them (sleep deprivation, revolting nappies, vomit, head lice, endless snot in the nursery school years etc etc). I hated it but I could cope with all the bodily excretions that normally would have me running for the hills.

I didn’t like them because I was a babysitter and au pair for years and it put me off in the end. I liked the ones I looked after but eventually was sick of the drudgery.

Yes, they all are individuals, but they all need attention, stimulation, effort and are crap at talking about the things I was interested in because, well, they are kids.

Yes it is different with your own.
When I nannied (before dc) I loved my babies so much. I would have done anything for them. I still love hearing what they're up to and feel so proud even though I haven't looked after them for over 20 years.
But it is different with your own. I wasn't expecting it, but it was.

I also think I had more patience with other people's though, because I was less tired and could hand them back. Swings and roundabouts there.😂

I do work but my work is really interesting to me! I don't think it's the same because, like partners, you pick them knowing what you're getting into.

Been with dp for 10 years. He's happy to have a baby or not (he has young adult dc whom I like a lot but they're more friends I try to help out when I can rather than kids to me).

I guess I'm lucky to live in an age of choice. Still makes me worry my choice is wrong somehow.

Well yes, because you have to be tolerant of your own child, but that doesn't mean you'll enjoy it. Like PP said it won't change your personality, if you're not easygoing, you're not going to suddenly be easygoing.

I think I am easygoing but I'm not tolerant of boring situations. Think I'd struggle with kind patience and repetitive games.

My children are interesting to me! Getting to know them has been the best part of my life.
No one ever really knows if the choice they’re making is the right one. Maybe my life would have been better without my kids, I’ll never know 🤷🏻‍♀️. All you can do is make the best choice with the information you have at the time. If you don’t like children and can’t see yourself changing for them, then don’t have them. It’s as valid a choice as any other.

They grow up fast, the time you need to spend teaching how to tie shoe laces and playing the same game over and over is very short. Yes there’s drudgery and repetition but it’s over in the blink of an eye then you all move on to something else. They have a whole life, personalities, interests, opinions. They’re people.

I currently do about half an hour of housework a week (not counting cooking, cooking is fun). I think my ability to enjoy the peopley bit might be impaired by my brain having to totally rewrite itself.

Maybe it's like farts. You much prefer smelling your own

I wasn't very maternal. If it had been 100% my decision I probably wouldn't have chosen to have a baby as my desire wasn't strong enough.. my husband on the other hand was desperate to be a father and so we had a baby. She's totally changed me. I'm patient as heck with her and it's come from her. Being her mum is amazing.

Yes it's really different when it's your own.

I guess I don't think life has a purpose besides enjoying yourself as much as possible.

And you might be right. For me, that involved having children. For you, it sounds like it doesn’t.

Agreed. Don't let what's right for other people dictate what's right for you.