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Original poster

To not be a people pleaser any more and suit myself like everyone else seems to do

47 replies

Myownself · 21/05/2023 08:51

I'm late 40s and lately I've stopped being a people pleaser. It just seems to have happened naturally, and I don't really care if people like me any more, even though I'm still polite and wouldn't ever be rude. I used to fall in with other people to keep everyone happy. Now I don't.

An example at the moment is I'm away for a few days with 2 friends who've decided they don't like the hotel breakfast and one has just declared we will go somewhere else for the next 2 mornings. I really like the breakfast and am happy to stay here and told them I'd be doing so but they're free to go off.

Anyone else had a personality transplant like me?

OP posts:
Garethkeenansstapler · 21/05/2023 08:52

Yep. It’s great, people actually like you and respect you more.

Eeeeny · 21/05/2023 08:55

Yep , and fell out with people because they couldn't take me saying No for a change
Their loss IMO

EmptyBedBlues · 21/05/2023 08:55

Garethkeenansstapler · 21/05/2023 08:52

Yep. It’s great, people actually like you and respect you more.

Well, of course they do! No one sane likes a people-pleaser who trots about being a doormat for people she neither likes nor respects for fear of being disliked!

TheaBrandt · 21/05/2023 08:57

Yes - these threads where the op is hand wringing about “not liking confrontation” so gets walked over. Not any more here. I think as you reach late 40s your hormone balance adjusts so you lose the nicey nicey female people pleasing ones.

TedMullins · 21/05/2023 09:00

Not a personality transplant as I’ve been like this since…well, always! The hotel breakfast thing is such a non event, it wouldn’t even have occurred to me that it would be an issue to say no I’ll have the breakfast, you go off and have a different one. Enjoy your newfound freedom

maranella · 21/05/2023 09:01

It's liberating isn't it? I'm quite easygoing, but for several years now if I don't like the plans I either say 'No' or if the arrangements are unnecessarily complicated or don't suit me I'll say 'I'll meet you there'. I've never had much patience for other people's drama, chaos and need to control, but now I have zero!

juggleit · 21/05/2023 09:06

How are people so picky about bloomin breakfast fgs! I could do without the drama of finding alternatives. Having reached my 50’s I'm much more zero’s f’s anymore.

thatsn0tmyname · 21/05/2023 09:08

As I said to a friend recently, "your life will be greatly improved if you tell people to fuck off once in a while". People pleasing was burning her out.

Original poster
Myownself · 21/05/2023 10:46

Good to hear I'm not alone then!

OP posts:
Cantstaystuckforever · 21/05/2023 10:52

Yes, but no need to get flouncy about it. Something that took me a while to realise as a (partly) reformed people pleaser is that we made the choice to people please, it fulfilled some kind of need for us - often because it's how we were brought up to believe that pleasing others is a source of power as women. It's also not someone else's fault if they've been raised and grown differently, and did what they want.

Too many women I know, my mum one of them, and for a bit me too, get ragey and martyrish around menopause about this. Many go to the other extreme.Now I don't get grumpy, I just set my boundaries very differently, and have had a few difficult but ultimately ok conversations with family about what is reasonable and when their expectations were unfair.

It's a constant process though.

HelpMeGetThrough · 21/05/2023 10:56

thatsn0tmyname · 21/05/2023 09:08

As I said to a friend recently, "your life will be greatly improved if you tell people to fuck off once in a while". People pleasing was burning her out.

Yep, a strategically placed "fuck off" a couple of times a month, always makes me feel better.

EmptyBedBlues · 21/05/2023 12:48

Cantstaystuckforever · 21/05/2023 10:52

Yes, but no need to get flouncy about it. Something that took me a while to realise as a (partly) reformed people pleaser is that we made the choice to people please, it fulfilled some kind of need for us - often because it's how we were brought up to believe that pleasing others is a source of power as women. It's also not someone else's fault if they've been raised and grown differently, and did what they want.

Too many women I know, my mum one of them, and for a bit me too, get ragey and martyrish around menopause about this. Many go to the other extreme.Now I don't get grumpy, I just set my boundaries very differently, and have had a few difficult but ultimately ok conversations with family about what is reasonable and when their expectations were unfair.

It's a constant process though.

Good post, @Cantstaystuckforever — there is a lot of resentment and anger in so many posts on here from self-confessed people pleasers (other people are ‘users’ and I do everything for them and they still don’t appreciate me!) without enough recognition that people-pleasing, while gendered socialisation contributes, is also a choice. It feeds a need in the people-pleaser. And you’re right, it does involve power. So yes, I agree there’s no need for sudden eruptions of fury if you’ve chosen to change.

Betterbear · 21/05/2023 12:54

Agreed. I have been taken advantage of far too many times. I just say no to most things now.

MySoCalledWife · 21/05/2023 12:57

I immediately thought you might be my age OP Grin

It is a great benefit of being a middle aged woman

I find myself saying things like "actually, that does not work for me"

I have never been a people pleaser as such, but I have definitely never reach the lofty heights of selfishness of the average married male...

Am still learning to think more like a man (ie, putting myself first)

But it is actually quite hard at times

A bit of flouncing is good IMO, to help break out of the mould

Original poster
Myownself · 21/05/2023 14:00

I think mine stemmed from my upbringing, as someone mentioned above

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 21/05/2023 14:05

The menopause changed a lot for me. I used to be a people pleaser but now give zero shits about most things.

Nowadays I'm 10% namaste and 90% fuck off.

BeginningToLookALotLike · 21/05/2023 14:07

Nowadays I'm 10% namaste and 90% fuck off

GrinGrinGrin

LaMaG · 21/05/2023 14:20

I'm mid 40s and have such an incredible fear of not being liked. I wish I could get over it. I have pulled back on the people pleasing though because the truth was I was the one getting upset and angry and when I found a way of being more assertive no one really cared. It was hard to get the balance right though, assertive but not bitchy. I'm very outgoing and confident socially so ppl always presume im more assertive than I am and that I would have told them if there was a problem. I don't have a demanding family so it was mostly minor things like at weddings I would be the one seated with a bunch of strangers cos it was always 'Oh i know you wouldn't mind', always being told how nice and easy going I was but it was all a bit fake cos i was often raging afterwards. It was never an isolated thing, but a series of things, like a pattern of people cancelling on me cos I wouldn't mind. Or changing plans. My friends in 20s were the worst for this. I had to eventually take some responsibility for the pattern which is hard for me. But I still get all worried if my neighbours or colleagues like me. Its sounds so immature

thecatsthecats · 21/05/2023 14:29

Yes, but no need to get flouncy about it. Something that took me a while to realise as a (partly) reformed people pleaser is that we made the choiceto people please, it fulfilled some kind of need for us - often because it's how we were brought up to believe that pleasing others is a source of power as women. It's also not someone else's fault if they've been raised and grown differently, and did what they want.

Agree. I've never been a people pleaser, and I've found people pleasers to be very aggressive in their desire to please sometimes!

For example - group get togethers. The people pleasers want everyone to be just happy and perfect and together the whole time, forcing everyone into a bland midpoint that NOBODY enjoys. Whilst non-pleasers are just saying, it's cool, no one needs to join in with what they don't want to, I'll sit this bit out.

I've seen so-called people pleasers drag two perfectly happy separate sides into one unhappy group so many times! And that's without all the fussing about making sure everyone has a drink, do you want more food, do you need a coat, etc, etc.

It's very Mrs Doyle behaviour, and although the intention is to please, it mostly doesn't!

SeaPink · 21/05/2023 14:34

TheaBrandt · 21/05/2023 08:57

Yes - these threads where the op is hand wringing about “not liking confrontation” so gets walked over. Not any more here. I think as you reach late 40s your hormone balance adjusts so you lose the nicey nicey female people pleasing ones.

I've found that too

greencardigangirl · 21/05/2023 14:42

Eeeeny · 21/05/2023 08:55

Yep , and fell out with people because they couldn't take me saying No for a change
Their loss IMO

Same here. It's eye opening when you've had years of pussy footing around other people and they then don't like it when you begin to behave like them.

greencardigangirl · 21/05/2023 14:44

Unicorn2022 · 21/05/2023 14:05

The menopause changed a lot for me. I used to be a people pleaser but now give zero shits about most things.

Nowadays I'm 10% namaste and 90% fuck off.

I LOVE this!!!!

Mercedesbenz2022 · 21/05/2023 14:58

@greencardigangirl

Nowadays I'm 10% namaste and 90% fuck off.

you win the internet today ! 😀

lndnbrdge91 · 21/05/2023 16:59

Same here. A sense of live and let live and each to their own, and that I don't need to flex to please; but without being rude. It is entirely possible and liberating.

I am also doing more things on my own, seeing things/doing stuff I know friends or DH aren't keen on, and just don't mind being alone doing it like I may have done in the past.

BreadInCaptivity · 21/05/2023 17:08

No revelations here.

I've never felt obliged to be a pleaser.

I'm not rude and I don't set out to offend and sometimes I'm ok putting myself out for someone I really care about but I've never lived my life assuming I have duty to always appease other people and relegate myself to last place.

I thank my DF for that who introduced me to Dawkins at an early age and I still remember reading about, cheats, suckers and grudges at a young teen and thinking that's a good life model!

talonrest.wordpress.com/2016/08/30/cheaters-suckers-and-grudgers/