To not be a people pleaser any more and suit myself like everyone else seems to do

[Myownself]

I'm late 40s and lately I've stopped being a people pleaser. It just seems to have happened naturally, and I don't really care if people like me any more, even though I'm still polite and wouldn't ever be rude. I used to fall in with other people to keep everyone happy. Now I don't.

An example at the moment is I'm away for a few days with 2 friends who've decided they don't like the hotel breakfast and one has just declared we will go somewhere else for the next 2 mornings. I really like the breakfast and am happy to stay here and told them I'd be doing so but they're free to go off.

Anyone else had a personality transplant like me?

Yeah, read that until he started explaining how feminists cheat the natural order of things… think I’ll go elsewhere for my philosophical insights, thanks.

Sorry, I am using dictation and amen and in a loud café. I’m visually impaired, and my whole life I have done what others want a lot of the time, because I’m petite and sometimes it’s just easier in the moment. Nowadays, and I’m late 30s, I’m like, no thanks. Someone at the weekend invited me to a birthday party and I just said, look, I prefer to spend my free time alone, I’m one of those people who just enjoys it that way. I just bought a home in Greece, and I’m trying to adjust to it, and everyone is pushing their beliefs that I won’t be able to do such and such on my own and they think they’re trying to help, instead they’re just stressing me out. But nowadays, I’m standing up for myself and I’m saying I don’t like this anymore, and they will just have to get the message. I didn’t buy a home in Greece just to stay inside of it all day, which is what many people sadly assume I’m doing. I’m not a pity case, I’m a very independent woman with her own feelings and ideas and I wish to do as I please.

Yeah, read that until he started explaining how feminists cheat the natural order of things… think I’ll go elsewhere for my philosophical insights, thanks

Funny that, was thinking exactly the same thing.

I was recently invited to a 50th party of a distant relative that I haven't seen in years. I declined, whereas before I would have felt guilty for some reason

Yeah, read that until he started explaining how feminists cheat the natural order of things… think I’ll go elsewhere for my philosophical insights, thanks.

I admit I find it very odd, this propensity I see on MN to dismiss input from people unless ALL their views align with yours.

I find it perfectly feasible to agree with Dawkins for example on one matter and utterly reject his assertions on another.

Personally the non pleaser me enjoys listening to a wide range of perspectives and doesn't feel obligated fully immerse myself in any of them or justify that 🤷‍♀️.

Well, aren’t you the fearless iconoclast. I just find tolerating open misogyny a step too far, personally. But you do you.

I'm pretty sure that Dawkins only wrote the stuff about the monkeys?
And all the other bollocks was added on by someone else? @BreadInCaptivity

@Unicorn2022

Nowadays I'm 10% namaste and 90% fuck off

🤣🤣😈

Will do - as per the thread I'm not interested in pleasing people, especially anonymous internet posters...

You hoe your narrow row and I'll hoe my wider one.

Interesting.

I wasn't aware of that.

Will research - thank you for the information!

Yes. I hit my forties and realised I wanted to please myself and put myself first.

i do it politely and without guilt. I can’t be arsed with people who are nasty to me. I will not put up with crap at work or at home. People tend to be nicer to me. And ask for my opinion/preference.

Yes, the ape population and grooming stuff in italics is a quotation, an extract from Dawkins’ The Selfish Gene. The non-italicised stuff after the line drawn under the Dawkins’ extract is some semi-literate red-pill incel’s blog drivelling about strong masculinity, feminism and ‘leftist wokeism’. It even features a set of pair photographs of different women before they discover feminism (red lipstick, long hair) and after (no make-up, shaven head). I’m no particular fan of Dawkins, but that’s not his.

I read the re-issue of A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson and it’s really helped me be less people pleasing (it’s not perfect but I found it so helpful!). Just realising you can just calmly and assertively say what you want, clearly but without defensiveness or aggression or over explanation. It’s honestly made my whole life feel so much calmer.

I am still working on keeping space in the family calendar for things I genuinely want to do, rather that attending the 40th of my husbands friends wife who we don’t know very well and it’s the other side of London and we would have to take the kids etc etc etc. I find it hard to let connections or friendships go even though maintaining them is too time consuming to also do the things I want.

Yea, at the ripe old age of 50 I've finally started to please myself first.

I was away with 2 old friends last month and decided not to do it, it was a revelation, so much easier for me and more relaxed mentally, they didn't seem to mind either

Same here

I just do as I please, do what I want to do

Crikey hello kitty, when are you inviting us all over to Greece?!

We'll all be there 😁

Wholeheartedly agree with this . . If you're secure in your choice the is no need to flounce

It’s the positive of being peri menopausal

I just feel less guilt and do what suits me more

it’s great to not worry what others think so much

I had a read of this article, the author doesn’t like women very much.

'Am still learning to think more like a man (ie, putting myself first)'

I find it really helpful to think in those terms. Would a man be expected to get involved in this or give a shit about this? No? Well then I feel free to do the same!

Totally agree that 'people pleasing' is about power and control, and is far from a benign, let alone pleasant, trait

Ditching the people pleasing should be about trusting yourself more, and becoming more confident and assertive through that. So it doesn't have to be 'fuck off', it can be 'no' or even 'no thank you'. You can be polite and calm but still assert yourself and honour your own choices and decisions, if you really believe deep down that you are worth it.I have a friend who asserts herself but because she's deeply insecure, she comes across as prickly, rude and very defensive

Oh dear, Richard Dawkins is a professor at Oxford. A very famous evolutionary biologist, and wrote a very famous and influential book called ‘the selfish gene’ amongst others, and has also written a book on atheism. He is not anti feminist.

The author of the blog has plagiarised Richard Dawkins book and used it to spew their own anti-feminist garbage.

Reformed PP here too. Can’t tell if it’s hormones or just having been through an enormous amount of shit. Saying “no” is so empowering and liberating. It makes me realise how much tension my body held from trying to please people and do the right thing all the fucking time. I didn’t live my life to the fullest as a result.