Please explain this situation to an autistic mum

[Blomonje]

I’m autistic and I never know what I’m supposed to do in social situations. If I explain what’s happened can someone please tell me what I’m supposed to do here?

I’ve tried to make friends with a lady I met at the park, so my son can have someone to play with. I requested her on Facebook and we were friends for a while. Then I asked if her son would like to come and play with mine. She brought him to my house for a couple of hours. Then she invited me and my son to her house the following weekend for a couple of hours.

She also suggested I should sign my son up for football with hers. And she invited me to accompany her and her friends on a day out. I went, but found myself on the edge of the group being mostly ignored. I think at this point she probably realised there’s something wrong with me and wanted to back off, but maybe that’s just my paranoia, I don’t know.

When I took my son to football she said hello in passing but then ignored me and sat with some other mums on the other side of the pitch, while I sat alone. I didn’t know if I was supposed to march up to them and insert myself or if that was rude. And every time in the last month I’ve asked if my son can play with hers she’s said she’s busy, even on bank holiday weekends she said she’s at work.

So now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Is this a brush off? Or am I reading it wrongly and being overly sensitive? If it was just me I’d give up, but my son needs someone to play with so I can’t just quit trying to make mum friends.

I think she has taken your difficulty interacting in a group situation and taken it personally.

Or she wants to see you as part of a group to cut down on admin and time, but didn't tell you that or consider you might not want to be part of the group.

Or maybe the other mums have higher status.

Social things can feel very tricky. A rule of thumb I go by is to make the same amount of effort as the other person, plus 50%. So if I'm turned down twice, I don't ask again.

That allows for someone else's shyness or difficult situation, but doesn't veer into needy or doormat.

Also, don't focus your efforts on one person. Keep looking for friends even if you appear to have made one. Better to have a bigger group.

Flit about like a bee, trying different groups and individuals. Some will last longer than others.

If it's reassuring, I think most people struggle a bit. Some people are gifted with social ease, most of us have to work at it a bit.

Could you try and sit with her and the other mums at football next time? Think of a few questions you could ask about their kids so you can join in the small talk a little? Maybe try to speak with the person you end up sitting closest to. I think by sitting alone you may be coming across as stand offish even though you do want to make friends. I would also stop inviting her son over for a while and see what happens.

You could also explore other ways of making mum friends. How old is your child?

From what you said it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong - but maybe it could be a bit intense - it s good to not rely on one friend alone - for your son and for you!
Would you feel comfortable reaching out to other children on the team to see if your son and them could play in the park together ?

Generally if someone invites me and DC to something like football and they’re sitting in a group, I’d join the group. If I invited someone and they sat alone instead of with us, I’d understand that as a brush-off.

Have you posted about this before-this sounds familiar? If so, was there some advice in the previous thread?

Is she aware you are autistic? If not she may find it difficult to understand your awkwardness which is not your fault. Sorry you are experiencing this. Id suggest sticking with the football and in time your kid will meet friends. Smile and wave next time you see her but dont insert yourself in her group. Personally Id find it much easier if someone said they were neuro diverse to me, less stressful for them and easier for me to understand if they were unable to read social situations. Being anxious about your autism may be making it harder?

It can be tricky with other parents as often the friendship isn't between the parents but between the children. In this case she suggested your son joins football so they can play together rather than for you 2 to hang out alone; but I'm sure there'd be zero issue with you sitting with the group as long as you felt comfortable to do so. As it goes I get on fine with all of DS' friends parents but I wouldn't consider any of them close friends and that's fine.

I wasn’t asked to sit with them. It seemed rude to follow her when she said hi and walked away. I figured if she wanted me to sit with them she would have said so? But I’m autistic so I have no idea if this is correct or not.

I would honestly just tell her you’re autistic and can’t read social cues! Either she’ll understand and next time say “Hi, I’m sitting with this group – come and sit with us” or she’ll be crap, in which case at least you know, and can move on to better friends.

I feel for you. If it’s any comfort, DS1 started in a cricket team last year and for the first couple of months I felt exactly like you. But I was there and I said hello and sometimes had a chat. And slowly, slowly, slowly I am now very much part of the scene and parents actively come and talk to me and welcome me when I potter over. It takes time. (Cricket is ideal for this as three hour matches in the sunshine inevitably get a little dull for spectators!).

It isn’t a team. It’s a skills club, I estimate about 70-80 kids divided in groups of 10. My son wasn’t put in a group with her son, and my son (also autistic) didn’t seem to interact with any particular child. Not that I’d be able to identify one child’s parents out of perhaps 80-100 who were sitting around the field.

My worry is that maybe her son has said “I don’t want to play with him” and that’s why she’s now avoiding me. Or she’s realised there’s something wrong with me and is trying to back off. Or she was only being polite in the first place and is now trying to distance herself. I don’t know.

I don’t know what social cue I’m supposed to be looking for that means “come and sit with us”? Other than saying the words “come and sit with us”.

I think this is a good idea if you are comfortable with it. You are more likely to end up with a group of people that it is easier to be around, rather than trying so hard for one person.

I also agree with what others have said - paraphrasing - spend less effort but with more people, so that you end up with a wider group of “mum-friends”. Mum-friends aren’t necessarily the same as your own friends. Both sides recognise that it’s a relationship of convenience which will change over time.

OP you don't need mum friends in order for your ds to socialise. It sounds as if the mum perhaps felt you didn't fit into her group dynamic. I'm NT and have very good social skills but never fitted into any of the groups of mums in primary school. My children would just ask for a play date with X, I'd ask them to get their mums mobile number and just text them to ask/arrange.
IF you feel you come across as very socially awkward, then it might be an idea to casually throw in that you are autistic (I have an autistic young adult and this is what I advise them). Don't be shy to ask for clarification on what something meant, rather than mulling over it when you get home. And never feel that you aren't enough, some circles just aren't inclusive or they aren't a good fit. This forum is full of threads of mums saying they can't seem to infiltrate the groups at their school.

OP you say “Or she’s realised there’s something wrong with me“. There isn’t anything wrong with you. I think you are setting yourself up for rejection but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Social cliques can be absolutely weird and inscrutable, full of unspoken rules that makes no sense whatsoever. My position in groups is always on the edge waiting for an opportunity to blend in - and I’d rather not engage with groups at all most of the time (very late diagnosed autistic). It seems from your OP you are mainly interested in getting your son settled into some social activities, and it could be the other mum feels the same ie not that invested in a new friendship but happy for her kids to have a new friend. You quite possibly have done nothing wrong at all - certainly doesn’t sound like it from your posts. You could smile and ask if it is OK to sit with the other mums? I’m read as ‘aloof’ so many times because I don’t do the social stroking others expect. People may think ‘ah, she’d rather be on her own’. I’m not sure I’d disclose I was autistic until I knew more about the other people, to be honest, but that’s a me thing.

How is the seating for the different groups arranged? Could you just go and sit with her even though your child is in a different group? I don't think it is odd to go and sit with someone and their friends if you have been to their house.

Otherwise could you speak with other parents nearby? You may make other friends that way.

You can also look for sports and activities that are aimed at neurodiverse families.

Op I have autism too and I struggle with situations like this. This is why I just don’t have any friends. It causes me such anxiety and stress. I know that isn’t helpful but I’m just saying you’re not alone.

I'm autistic too op. Everyone I've ever been "friends" with have ignored me. By friends I mean them coming to my house going out etc not just a "hello"

From primary and secondary, collage, various jobs, school mums etc no one talks to me now. It must be me. It can't be all of them can it.

I feel so sad.

Well done for reaching out though. I don't leave the house these days.

I would imagine at the football she's always been part of that group.

She won't extract herself from that group and join you although I get that may be more comfortable for you.

Perhaps next time you attend you can walk over and say hello and then sit by them. You don't necessarily need to interact fully the first time or the next few times but you could show an interest in the group by smiling and nodding to others conversation and showing interest (even if the conversation bores you!).

Once you know the sort of topics of conversation they discuss you can have some responses up your sleeve to add some comments and start to interact (if that's what you want).

But I'd also start to try and widen your social group because it's hard to always rely on one person to be available when you are.

This may happen through football or you could join other groups such as library story time etc.

And stop thinking there's something wrong with you.

You're autistic not broken. Your interactions are different - that doesn't mean wrong.

Fwiw if I met another parent who seemed to struggle socially I'd make the effort to support them to include themselves.

My ds is autistic and very social but just struggles with how to do this. I hate to think people wouldn't take the time to get to know him and so I always make sure I treat people how id want him to be treated.

OP, I'm autistic and I could have written your post as it resonates so much with me.

I hope you get some kind of resolution.

Re: football Mum joining group - smile & say ‘mind if I join?’ If you see her making a beeline for another group, keep it light & casual.

Think at football it's this, parents would usually sit where their child is playing so she'd expect you to sit by your child?