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Original poster

Please explain this situation to an autistic mum

38 replies

Blomonje · 21/05/2023 08:38

I’m autistic and I never know what I’m supposed to do in social situations. If I explain what’s happened can someone please tell me what I’m supposed to do here?

I’ve tried to make friends with a lady I met at the park, so my son can have someone to play with. I requested her on Facebook and we were friends for a while. Then I asked if her son would like to come and play with mine. She brought him to my house for a couple of hours. Then she invited me and my son to her house the following weekend for a couple of hours.

She also suggested I should sign my son up for football with hers. And she invited me to accompany her and her friends on a day out. I went, but found myself on the edge of the group being mostly ignored. I think at this point she probably realised there’s something wrong with me and wanted to back off, but maybe that’s just my paranoia, I don’t know.

When I took my son to football she said hello in passing but then ignored me and sat with some other mums on the other side of the pitch, while I sat alone. I didn’t know if I was supposed to march up to them and insert myself or if that was rude. And every time in the last month I’ve asked if my son can play with hers she’s said she’s busy, even on bank holiday weekends she said she’s at work.

So now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Is this a brush off? Or am I reading it wrongly and being overly sensitive? If it was just me I’d give up, but my son needs someone to play with so I can’t just quit trying to make mum friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blomonje · 21/05/2023 11:08

I don’t know whether to contact her again and ask for the kids to play together, or leave her alone because I feel like she’s rejected me and I don’t want to make her feel awkward by pushing further. A non autistic person would understand which option is correct.

Or maybe she hasn’t rejected me and I’m just reading it wrong? I don’t know.

OP posts:
Nappyvalley15 · 21/05/2023 11:10

Just wait until you see her at football. Don't contact her for any more playdates.

MyNectarineGivesMePeachVibes · 21/05/2023 11:32

Blomonje · 21/05/2023 08:55

I wasn’t asked to sit with them. It seemed rude to follow her when she said hi and walked away. I figured if she wanted me to sit with them she would have said so? But I’m autistic so I have no idea if this is correct or not.

Show quote history

This is how I see it too but then I'm also autistic. If I invited someone, I'd play host and ask her to join us. If she refuses, then I'd leave her alone.

If someone invited me and said hello, then walked off, I wouldn't know what to do. Depending on the vibe, I may or may not go after her but it would feel awkward.

But people tend to want you to already know what to do or read their mind.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Mabelface · 21/05/2023 12:04

Fellow autistic here. These people aren't your tribe, that's all. I'm in my fifties and have 2 close friends who also happen to be nd. Actually 3, as I'm very good friends with my ex bf now relationship shit and issues aren't there. Might be worth looking at what's out there in the nd community as a lot of parents of nd kids are also nd themselves.

These people you're talking about don't understand your brain, and you don't understand theirs. Neither is wrong.

maskingitup · 21/05/2023 13:19

I find that if a friendship doesn't come easily it's better to let it go to make room for one that does. That's left me at times a real loner, but has also paid off in that as time has gone on I've collected a few friends who are very much my kind of people and who I feel I can be totally myself with, as well as a few people I'm friendly with but not friends (school mums, work colleagues)

romdowa · 21/05/2023 13:28

I'm autistic too and it sounds like she doesn't want to be friends. I too wouldn't have followed her unless she extended the invitation to join the group. Personally I wouldn't contact her any more and if you see her just say hi and smile.
That feeling of not knowing what is going on is so uncomfortable. It's why I stopped going to toddler groups , I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to act

Singleandproud · 21/05/2023 13:45

It takes a while at sports clubs to be accepted, there's no guarantee a NT would read the situation correctly either. What I found was lots of the parents already knew each other from toddler group or had similar aged older children. Or you can volunteer for the club, tuck shop, setting up equipment etc that sort of accelerates you as one of the gang.

I tend to always have a book and headphones in my bag, that way I can join the chatter or if not I can listen to something or read.

DD has been involved in lots of sports clubs over the years and none of them have extended to friendships outside of the club.

Original poster
Blomonje · 21/05/2023 15:51

It’s so sad because the kids play together nicely. My DS keeps asking if he can play with “Charlie” this weekend and I have to say no. Because I’ve done a shit job of making friends with Charlie’s mum. And then he’s sad because he’s just desperate to have a friend, and it breaks my heart because I know how he feels.

OP posts:
ImSidneyFuckingPrescott · 21/05/2023 16:13

I find it so much easier to speak with people 121, even 2 is OK but any more and I find it hard to join in. It's exhausting.

I've had similar where a few times I've started making a connection with someone, then they've invited me to more of a meetup and I've just been so awkward, I feel like it sours the original relationship.

No advice, but you're not alone in being like this.

Peverellshire · 21/05/2023 16:43

ImSidneyFuckingPrescott · 21/05/2023 16:13

I find it so much easier to speak with people 121, even 2 is OK but any more and I find it hard to join in. It's exhausting.

I've had similar where a few times I've started making a connection with someone, then they've invited me to more of a meetup and I've just been so awkward, I feel like it sours the original relationship.

No advice, but you're not alone in being like this.

I know what you mean, somehow it feels like a marker that they don’t want your ‘friendship’ to progress beyond the superficial. It’s much easier to connect & interact with a v small group I find, max.

truthhurts23 · 21/05/2023 16:59

bussteward · 21/05/2023 08:48

Generally if someone invites me and DC to something like football and they’re sitting in a group, I’d join the group. If I invited someone and they sat alone instead of with us, I’d understand that as a brush-off.

I disagree with that ,
If you invite someone into a group, the right thing to do is to make the person you invited feel welcome and introduce them to the other people in the group

Also if you see someone awkwardly sitting on their own, surely you should have enough sense to beckon them over and tell them to sit with everyone else

Its really snobby to invite someone to an unfamiliar group and then just ignore them ..

truthhurts23 · 21/05/2023 17:10

Blomonje · 21/05/2023 11:08

I don’t know whether to contact her again and ask for the kids to play together, or leave her alone because I feel like she’s rejected me and I don’t want to make her feel awkward by pushing further. A non autistic person would understand which option is correct.

Or maybe she hasn’t rejected me and I’m just reading it wrong? I don’t know.

don't bother contacting her again because you've tried more than once now..
its up to her to reach out to you this time..

usually if you invite someone out and they say they are busy, they will offer an alternative date to show that they still want to see you

if your boy is still continuing with the football, perhaps both boys will just naturally hang out at football practice and develop a friendship on their own

dont give up , theres plenty more mum friends in the park !

SillyOldBear3 · 21/05/2023 18:50

I would drop her a message on Facebook, say you enjoyed the day out with her and her friends, and that your son also enjoys spending time with her son 🙂 I would probably say something like 'If I'm quiet please don't think anything bad of this, I have autism so I can sometimes struggle in new social situations!'. Say something like 'It would be great to catch up soon with the kids again if you have any weekends free'. Leave it with her, and hopefully she will respond positively with a date for you to meet. If she doesn't, then I'd forget about her and see if there are any other nice children/mums to spend time with!

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