Introvert but lonely, how do I meet people?

[Mummyoftwokids]

At the risk of sounding pathetic.. I need friends.

I tend to keep a very small circle of people who don’t actually drain my energy but hardly ever see them.

Even though I’m mostly an introvert, I really miss having company. I’m married but he is at work all day. I have a casual work from home job but that can be very isolating too. I would like a better job but I have social anxiety and it’s more a struggle than just working from home.

How can I meet people? I’m sure everyone here is lovely but probably live nowhere near us anyway! I love what’s app group chats. I don’t feel nervous online but again, it’s not helping me get out there.

No advice but in the same boat. Hate being lonely but hate making plans!

I am in the same boat. Sometimes wish there was a group people like us could join by area so we could get together.

Try the Meetup app

I think adult education courses can be a nice way to make friends. e.g. an evening course. Because you get to know someone more slowly but it's a sustained connection over time, so will happen more naturally. You won't necessarily remain friends but it does help to widen your circle a bit.

Situations where you get to see the same people once a week or so e.g. work in a pub one evening a week or something. These kind of things.

I've tried making friends on bumble friends, and it was just odd and forced. You need situations where you're likely to see them regularly as it takes time to build rapport. you can't just force it.

I think hobby type groups are the way forward, but you need to pick the hobby carefully. You need something where either there needs to be a lot of chat about whatever you are doing (practical chat is not as tricky as small talk!) or where it's not appropriate to talk much at all. Something where it's okay to 'meditate' on what you're doing, or which requires a lot of concentration etc. Hopefully you will find like-minded souls with whom it's worth putting in the effort to become better friends.

I do think though that whatever means you find to meet people, you'll have to accept that there will be a hard work stage between casual friends and old easy friends. Whether it's worth the effort is up to you.

You seem to be describing shyness and lack of social confidence rather than introversion: people often mix them up but they aren’t the same, introversion is about social energy rather than lack of confidence and social skills. Not all introverts find it difficult

Have you considered something like an improvisational theatre or comedy course? It sounds bonkers at first, but the purpose is to work in a fun and supportive atmosphere with other people who feel the same way as you do to learn and practice techniques and skills for building bravery, spontaneity and creativity for conversation and communication. It gives you good groundwork to then join social or hobby groups around any personal interests you have, and not feel tongue tied or like the anxious lemon in the corner, unable to engage with people.

To add, I did one through work to improve my public speaking and presentation skills when I got my first senior role involving that. I was sceptical initially, but having done it would thoroughly recommend it.

That’s just it though, I’m a confident person. Extremely independent. But extroverts or small talk or just social situations in general drain my energy. I need to “recover” and take time out. I’m not sure I’m shy as such. I was when I was younger but that’s before I realised I have general social anxiety.

Same! When I make plans it puts pressure on me and I think what if I’m having a bad day and can’t go. I’ll almost dread it even though it might have been my idea. I sound so messed up lol

Improvised theatre or stand up comedy genuinely gives me the fear!!

I used to have a good job too, I owned a company and employed people but I was able to work from home when I had a bad day without having to explain to people that I couldn’t face coming in.

Running club and volunteering at parkrun are how I’ve made all my friends I’ve mad as an adult

What about something like a book club or art class, where you have a shared activity to focus on but scope to get into deeper conversations as you get to know people? Things like art and literature can open people up!

I think a hobby group is definitely the way to go. From what you've said, I'd pick something where you can just turn up and don't feel you're letting anyone down if you don't make it to every session (eg. an art or craft club rather than a sports team). If you already have a hobby that you do at home you could look for a club, or perhaps try a new hobby that's linked to an existing interest.

Thanks. I could try a fitness class

I was also going to suggest a book group. I joined one during lockdown, so our first meetings were online. When we finally got to meet each other after a year we really gelled. We meet once a month in the pub and talk about the book that we have just read, so it isn't as if you are struggling to think of something to talk about. Our book group started by someone posting on the local Facebook page asking if anyone wanted to join.

Friendships from this have started slowly which, IMO, is the best way to start a friendship.

I was just about to suggest something similar.

Any sort of class or activity in which you are remotely interested: book club, choir, Pilates or yoga class, language class, ramblers group, church, flower arranging class, women's institute, photography club, car mechanics?

Lots of options, obviously depending on where you live. Try a few different ones and see what appeals.

Watching with interest as I am exactly the same. If I am having a bad day , being self conscious or feeling awkward, even not being comfortable with my attire , I really struggle with going out. And yet , I am told that I am nice to be with and I am quite adventurous .

I agree with education/classes being the best way. I took a night class 6 years or so ago and am still in touch with a couple of them.

@Mummyoftwokids don't want to put you off but a fitness class doesn't really give you the time to chat does it? You need those spaces where you have time to really chat e.g. book group, craft group. A fitness class you invariably turn up do the class then leave a hot sweaty mess. Although I guess something like hill walking could be good - or boating or something you might get to know someone a bit more.

I'm exactly the same as you OP. Out of interest how old are you and whereabouts are you based?

I agree. I do pilates, but I don't socialise with anyone from the class.

Almost 40, Northern Ireland. You?

I know lots of people who attend the classes already. But I wouldn’t be close to any of them

34, south east England so prob can't meet up too easily 😂

It is really hard. I used to love going to a regular fitness class (it was like Crossfit but just a local type thing) until it became extremely cliquey and I couldn't face going anymore because I felt so out of place amongst other reasons.

I actually feel like I quite a cool person but because I'm so introverted no one except my oldest friends ever really see my true personality.

See if there is a local book group you can join or suggest starting one with a neighbour or acquaintance if not. You have the structure of discussing the book to warm everyone up then can move on to general chatting. Everyone takes it in turn to host which accelerates friendships as you get to go to each other’s houses. I’ve joined/started several this way and you can say as much or as little as you like, plus it’s fine to miss one if you’re not in the mood. And if you arrange them on WhatsApp you have an excuse to get each other’s numbers early on in an acquaintance to take up individual friendships with the ones you click with.