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Original poster

Porn and dd

29 replies

HelpMebeok · 17/05/2023 09:29

i have changed my name for this as I'm a bit embarrassed as I know some people here in RL.

So, my teen daughter who is very nearly 18 is fragile. Mental health up and down and being assessed for ASD. History of self harm and hates to be confronted with things.

About 2 months ago I discovered she was accessing porn hub frequently on her I pad. I blocked it on the parent controls and thought that would sort it. Silly me. I've realised this morning that she's been using it using private view. It's nasty violent stuff.

Shes almost 18. Would would you do? I'd really like some impartial advice. My worries are she becomes addicted and thinks this is the way sex should be. But she's practically an adult and im worried even a gentle confrontation would lead to self harm due to shame.

OP posts:
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/05/2023 09:33

Have you spoken to her about it?

fifteenweeks · 17/05/2023 09:34

She is 18, there isn't anything you can do and I definitely wouldn't say anything. I'd have been fuming if my mum had been through my Ipad as an 18 year old adult

fifteenweeks · 17/05/2023 09:34

*almost 18 year old. Sorry!

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 09:36

I think that what you can do now she's 18 is probably not much other than continue to be open and honest with her about the subject and let her know that she can talk to you about anything, and not shame her.

Showersugar · 17/05/2023 09:37

You can have a conversation with her about your WiFi and what is acceptable usage under your roof.

But in terms of her sexual wellbeing and wider use of porn I think that ship has sailed. Parents need to be having these conversations at a much younger age, not when they're right on the cusp of being a legal adult. I mean, you can try if you think she would be amenable but at nearly 18 I'd have given my parents short shrift in this department.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/05/2023 09:37

Well she obviously knows her mum has found it as she (OP) blocked it so the DD found a work around.

You need to speak to her OP. Don't shame her for exploring her own sexuality but educate her about the porn industry and the chances that some of the "actors" she is seeing are not willing participants.

Original poster
HelpMebeok · 17/05/2023 09:40

I have talked to her about the porn industry before in a non judging way.

I didn't go through her I pad either. I took something to her room and it was open on the desk (she was in the bathroom)

OP posts:
MyNewWittyUserName · 17/05/2023 09:43

I think you need to butt out. It's not your business really. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on porn and if she sees nothing wrong with it, that's up to her. Whether you agree with it or not.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 17/05/2023 09:46

You need to keep out of it. It’s nothing to do with you.

Milger · 17/05/2023 09:49

I'd be upset by this but wouldn't say anything, ever. I probably wouldn't even tell dh. Block it through the WiFi but accept that she can go incognito with data.

Original poster
HelpMebeok · 17/05/2023 10:05

Thank you. I do appreciate the viewpoints

OP posts:
JacquelinePot · 17/05/2023 10:12

I understand why you're worried op. I wonder if posters would be so laissez faire if it was a boy watching violent porn.

You might get some more helpful responses if you try the feminism sex and gender board.

Gtsr443 · 17/05/2023 10:33

Nothing you can really do about it other than openly discuss points of view as adults.
Easy access to porn isn't going to go away.
My ASD son thought that because "everyone does it" and it is on Pornhub and not on the dark web then it must be ok. He said the same about Andrew Tate.
It's an uphill battle.
I long for pre internet days when teenage boys got off to Pans People and top shelf mags were for pervy old men.

GiveOverRover · 17/05/2023 10:37

Of course she found a workaround, she will access it via 4G on her phone if you put a blocker on the house WiFi. Unfortunately you can only block your kids from the world for so long and at 18 that ship has sailed.

Would she be watching women be slapped and hit and punched and choked by men if they were fully dressed and there wasn't sex involved? Maybe try to get her to see it from a different angle if you can, for what it actually is. The sex element of it isn't really the issue, it's the violence I'm thinking?

I totally get that she doesn't like to be confronted with things, and that you're not sure how to handle it. I'd go the route of her just absorbing stuff that's around her rather than a sit down "talk". Ideally kids are absobing the messages you need them to know when they're 18 all along their lives, maybe call a friend within earshot, watch documentaries when she's in the house, leave her a letter now and again affirming what you love about her, rather than confronting head on.

The internet has broken the children, it's a fucking travesty.

Mamoun · 17/05/2023 10:42

I would definitely try and speak to her in a non-shaming way.
It is not because she is legally an adult that she isn't vulnerable, young and your daughter. It is your role to speak to her and explain that this is not what sex is irl, but that this is normal if she was aroused as these programmes are designed to get her hooked.
Maybe find some testimony of girls having been addicted to porn and the effect it had on them.

I would 100% explore this with her. Be interested in her rather then judgemental.

Newname2323 · 17/05/2023 10:46

She's an adult. The ship has sailed to try and parent her on porn etc, it's her choice now and she is legally of age to view the websites.

Greenfairydust · 17/05/2023 10:47

Most comments are missing the point...

Your kid is vulnerable and has a history of self-harm.

She is accessing porn that shows violence against women and I assume the type of submissive/BDSM scenarios.

This potentially means that she be an easy prey for the type of violent, predatory men who thrive on targeting women who have issues with self-esteem/confidence and body image and potentially get herself into an abusive relationship.

You need to have a serious chat with her about what you saw and the importance of healthy relationships and having good boundaries when it comes to sex.

Just glossing over a teenager with a history of self-harm showing interest in violent sex with women as the victim to me is ignoring a big safeguarding concern...

DaisyDreaming · 17/05/2023 12:46

Greenfairydust · 17/05/2023 10:47

Most comments are missing the point...

Your kid is vulnerable and has a history of self-harm.

She is accessing porn that shows violence against women and I assume the type of submissive/BDSM scenarios.

This potentially means that she be an easy prey for the type of violent, predatory men who thrive on targeting women who have issues with self-esteem/confidence and body image and potentially get herself into an abusive relationship.

You need to have a serious chat with her about what you saw and the importance of healthy relationships and having good boundaries when it comes to sex.

Just glossing over a teenager with a history of self-harm showing interest in violent sex with women as the victim to me is ignoring a big safeguarding concern...

^^this

I don’t know why everyone is missing the point. Do what you need to do to try and gently help her realise that this isn’t the norm so it doesn’t leave her vulnerable to men in the future. I don’t know if there are any resources out there. The fact she’s nearly 18 is irrelevant

Milger · 17/05/2023 12:56

Greenfairydust · 17/05/2023 10:47

Most comments are missing the point...

Your kid is vulnerable and has a history of self-harm.

She is accessing porn that shows violence against women and I assume the type of submissive/BDSM scenarios.

This potentially means that she be an easy prey for the type of violent, predatory men who thrive on targeting women who have issues with self-esteem/confidence and body image and potentially get herself into an abusive relationship.

You need to have a serious chat with her about what you saw and the importance of healthy relationships and having good boundaries when it comes to sex.

Just glossing over a teenager with a history of self-harm showing interest in violent sex with women as the victim to me is ignoring a big safeguarding concern...

Well, although this is a kind and thoughtful suggestion I think you may be completely missing the point that there aren't many teenagers who would have a reasoned discussion with their parents after being caught accessing violent porn

Original poster
HelpMebeok · 17/05/2023 19:28

Thank you all. I really do appreciate your opinions

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 17/05/2023 19:31

DaisyDreaming · 17/05/2023 12:46

^^this

I don’t know why everyone is missing the point. Do what you need to do to try and gently help her realise that this isn’t the norm so it doesn’t leave her vulnerable to men in the future. I don’t know if there are any resources out there. The fact she’s nearly 18 is irrelevant

Show quote history

Also agreeing with this.

ScrollingLeaves · 17/05/2023 19:42

You might get some more helpful responses if you try the feminism sex and gender board.

It really might be a good idea to go to the FWR board if you would like the chance to talk about this and your feelings about it more, even if there is nothing you can do.

Speedweed · 17/05/2023 19:44

Agreeing with @Greenfairydust - accessing the porn at least keeps her safe. It's if she tries to find someone to put her in this position that she's at risk. Maybe the angle to take in discussions is not really about the porn but about healthy and safe relationships - don't get drawn into bdsm consent stuff, that relies on her having a loving, caring partner to start with, not the sort of men greenfairy identifies.

BaiesRosesAmbre · 17/05/2023 20:05

Please don’t say anything directly about finding the porn. Maybe you go down a more subtle route of letting her know that the type of porn she’s been viewing is not normal.

My mum found my diary when I was 17 and read through it. It had intimate details in about my relationship with my boyfriend. She confronted me about it and I have never forgiven her for going through my stuff and making me feel bad about it.

Same sort of thing stands here, so try to be gentle and tread carefully!

MeinKraft · 17/05/2023 20:19

I think if you could get a documentary on about the impact of porn on the performers sometime when you're watching tv together it might make her think about what she's watching?