What to turn to instead of alcohol when anxious, stressed & feeling shame?

[rolvus]

I'm getting more and more socially anxious the older I get. Yesterday I bumped into someone locally and had a slightly awkward conversation. I said the wrong thing, as I often do, and it played over and over in my head as I drove home. Those feelings and emotions were so uncomfortable that I went to the shop and bought a bottle of wine. Drinking did work. But I want to stop.

What else can I do in that moment? I have no known strategies other than drinking or over eating! I can't tolerate any kind of medication anymore (have tried).

Is anyone here knowledgeable about this kind of stuff, or been in therapy and come away with useful strategies? How to regulate emotions and still make good choices? I really want to get my health on track but I can't with this issue cropping up ALL the time!

How old are you?

Breathing, grounding, meditation - they take practice to get used to but there are some good apps to help. I use Headspace but there are free ones too.

Mid 40s

That was my guess. It's peri-menopause. A very, very common symptom is anxiety or increased anxiety and AD's are not recommended as they can make the anxiety worse. I recommend HRT. It can help massively.

Have you been to therapy yourself OP?

It's interesting you ask for useful strategies other people have gained from therapy.

The truth is that you can't really benefit from other people's therapy, that's not quite how it works - you have to have your own therapy to talk through your own issues and find your own strategies.

I did notice the shortening of my cycle over the past year, which is another symptom, so did wonder. However I'm currently back to 28 days. I'll look into it, thanks.

Firstly, stop drinking alcohol. Alcohol increases anxiety over time due to the way your brain produces natural stimulants to counter the depressive effect of alcohol on the brain. Therefore, you might feel relaxed for an hour or two but the after effects will mean your anxiety increases.

Secondly, get your hormones checked. I had horrific anxiety as am similar age and in peri menopause. Taking progesterone really helped me.

Thirdly, check out paul mckenna's new book in anxiety- really helped me.

To add, alcohol usage during peri-menopause can be a huge cause of rebound anxiety the day after drinking, and it also can cause problems with sleep. I would avoid alcohol entirely.

This is really interesting. When I started peri my GP prescribed ADs and they DID make it worse! Thankfully, I researched and realised it was peri and addressed that but it annoyed me that my GP didnt suggest it could be hormonal and just threw ADs at me instead.

If you are in your mid 40's, you are peri-menopausal. You can still have regular periods during peri-menopause.

I'm not surprised. Most GP's are absolutely useless when it comes to peri-menopause and menopause. I strongly advise going to a private clinic if at all possible.

Yep- this is exactly what I did. I have a private prescription now for bio identical progesterone. Feel 100% better.

To answer the question in your op: knitting (or similar craft), gardening, exercise.

I full sympathise and am not suggesting for one single nanosecond that you have a drink problem, but in AA we focus on a programme of recovery, working 12 steps to get through feelings and sit with them rather than drowning them in drink. We've often said that many people would benefit from the same kind of 12 steps without having the alcohol addiction.

Meditation can really help.

I am un m’y forties too and despite a long history of being mentally strong and capable find myself in states of panic and anxiety in a way I never have before.

what helps me is getting outside, which I guess is a form of meditation. 20-30 mins, outdoors in nature, phone away and focussing on the world around me really helps.

i have so much sympathy as it sucks.

I would advise breathing slowly and speaking less.

Try asking questions, giving more rehearsed answers and generally avoiding holding forth on topics with strangers - basically like The Queen used to do

Save your proper talking for the people you are comfortable with.

Get HRT. It's a lifesaver.

I've had this where I started over-analysing conversations I had with people I had bumped into and getting ridiculously stressed over it. Even typing this out I misspelled ridiculously and had to look at it for a couple of seconds to work out what I had done wrong. This is my peri-menopause. My brain feels fried. I still have regular periods, no hot flushes at all but anxious, trouble sleeping, horrific nightmares with vivid dreams, my brain is like a sieve and I have to write things down. I have read Davina McCall's book and now onto Dr Louise Newsam's book.

Definitely worth looking into that, there is lots online from both Davina and Louise, there is the Balance App too for information and symptom tracking. But know that you can do this without alcohol. You can.

Find things that you enjoy, that distract you and give you some peace. That might be exercise/sport/yoga, or mindfulness, or reaching out to a comfortable, supportive friend. Or reading a book, watching a favourite film. And yes, addressing perimenopause or anything else physical that may be going on.

In the short-term, alcohol feels like it 'works' but in the longer term, it will only increase your anxiety. I think we often believe in our culture that we need to find something to take bad feelings away (and obviously, when you are really anxious, of course that's all you want), but feelings are meant to be felt. Sometimes the only way to the other side is to feel them. Sounds wanky! But I think changing your mindset can help, where you just accept that you're going to feel uncomfortable but it won't last forever. I'm sober now, and one of the things that I was told in my first week of sobriety was to come up with a plan for when I got overwhelming feelings. For me, that was to take a break (walk away from the situation), exercise, journal, listen to a podcast, go sit in the garden in peace for a bit. But also just to take some time to feel the feeling, what is it? why am I feeling it? why do I want a drink because of this feeling? will I feel better if I have a drink? (ultimately no), then play it forward to later or the next day and think about how I'd feel if I didn't have a drink (better than if I did).

Just sitting with it, understanding where it comes from, can help you to figure out what you need to do to help get through it. If it's shame and awkwardness about a social interaction, reaching out for support from a trusted person who will facilitate a positive, supportive interaction might help you get some good feelings back and help you realise that one encounter really wasn't that big a deal (it wasn't).

Weights, always works.

Keeps you off the drink as well as gym with a hangover sucks a lot

Therapy helped me hugely. I was on hrt for years and it didn't really help with this. I did also find a form of exercise that I loved and that gave me more confidence as well.

Yes this was the exercise I started doing. Lifting heavy weights! I'd start smiling about 15 mins in and not stop for the rest of the session! Sadly I've broken my arm 😢

As a long-term anxiety sufferer, I can recommend going for a very fast walk if you need a fix in-the-moment in place of alcohol. Doesn’t have to be very long - 15 mins even - but walk as fast as you can, to the point where you feel a bit warm and your heart rate is up. It might help you to regulate a little and stop the swirl of anxious thoughts so you can then deal with the actual problem.

@Aquamarine1029 apparently I’m too young for it to be meno symptoms. GP very dismissive. I know I should try again but I just can’t face it right now 😭