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Original poster

Anyone reconcile with sibling after a fall-out?

41 replies

GloriousD · 13/05/2023 14:15

Just wondering if this is it for life or if something will change and we will reconnect.

Been 2.5 years now since we have been in touch. Emotions were high following the death of our mother. I last sent a card 6 months ago acknowledging the upset and desire to move on from it - no response (I had sent email and text prior but was blocked).

Do I just accept and wait?

Has anyone else been through this and come out the otherside?

OP posts:
RoseThornside · 13/05/2023 19:31

It sounds as though you have done your best to reach out but your sibling can't or won't reciprocate. All you can do is carry on about your life, knowing you've tried, and try not to let it weigh down on you too heavily.

Original poster
GloriousD · 14/05/2023 09:36

Thanks I know I just have to wait it out and trying for it not to make me increasingly sad.

OP posts:
QueueEtwo · 14/05/2023 10:51

I have but we reconciled when my mum died as we had to speak to each other so almost the opposite way round to you.

If you have reached out & got no response then that's hard!

Is there anyone else involved? My sister was in an abusive relationship & I could see his input in to a lot of our communications before we fell out but she has left him now which makes a big difference!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 11:05

Brother cut me off with no explanation after birth of DN. Nothing I had done as far as I know (despite MN wisdom being that 'you MUST know why he's gone NC if you're honest' and 'NO-ONE goes NC without good reason!') Didn't contact him, didn't stress myself over what was his decision, however he'd come to it.

He got back in touch two years ago after nearly a couple of decades. Shortly after splitting with his DW, altho I'm sure that's sheer coincidence 🙄

palygold · 14/05/2023 11:05

You have tried.

A relative of mine contacts another relative (I'm in touch with both - they dropped contact around 12 years ago) every year or two. A short paragraph update and hopes they are well, keeping the communication channels open in case they ever choose to respond they know that they can. Though the person contacted finds it irritating, and doesn't intend to respond, but also knows they are thinking of them - they said.

The above is by email, which is probably easier, but not possible in your case.

Original poster
GloriousD · 14/05/2023 11:26

palygold · 14/05/2023 11:05

You have tried.

A relative of mine contacts another relative (I'm in touch with both - they dropped contact around 12 years ago) every year or two. A short paragraph update and hopes they are well, keeping the communication channels open in case they ever choose to respond they know that they can. Though the person contacted finds it irritating, and doesn't intend to respond, but also knows they are thinking of them - they said.

The above is by email, which is probably easier, but not possible in your case.

That’s an interesting view from the other side. I could decide to send a neutral, non demanding card each year. I will think about that but equally don’t want to irritate my sister. It’s a fine line. But 12 years - that sounds like a lifetime and makes me feel very sad - not sure if it gets better or worse with time.

OP posts:
Original poster
GloriousD · 14/05/2023 11:30

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain and @QueueEtwo - good question - yes there is a paranoid controlling weed smoking long term partner in the ‘background’ who I suspect liked to undermine our previously close relationship.

How are your relationships now after reconciliation? Different, at arms length or back to normal?

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 14/05/2023 11:43

When you say 'emotions were high', do you mean words were said which you now regret? I'm assuming so. And it appears your sibling isn't ready to forgive those 'high emotions'. May never be ready to forgive.

There have been many many times when I've wanted to vent at my sibling. But I am quite sure that (for me) it wouldn't help and , in fact, would make me feel worse in the end

So I aim to see as little of them as possible, but be friendly and kind, always

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 11:43

GloriousD · 14/05/2023 11:30

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain and @QueueEtwo - good question - yes there is a paranoid controlling weed smoking long term partner in the ‘background’ who I suspect liked to undermine our previously close relationship.

How are your relationships now after reconciliation? Different, at arms length or back to normal?

We text and meet up but I wouldn't say we're all over each other, but then our family isn't like that. He can be a bit touchy and thin skinned (events in the past with DM) so I take my cues from him and know what subjects to skate around. He now has a flat and is settling in after what was probably a stressful couple of years. The main thing is we're back in touch and I can be there to support and help him if he needs it.

QueueEtwo · 14/05/2023 11:47

Different, but less as time goes by.

I see more of my sister emerging all the time, the funny, good fun person she was but she was so far down in the world of conspiracy theories etc I am still a little bit cautious in what I say!
We don't live close to each other so lots of our communication is on Facebook & WhatsApp but she has been to stay & it was nice!.

I do feel for you, I hated it when we weren't 'friends', I'm older, I was brought up to look out for her, it was hard!

QueueEtwo · 14/05/2023 11:49

Ha MrsDanvers many similarities in our responses! 😀

Timeandtune · 14/05/2023 11:51

My sister “ghosted” me on and off for years. Never any falling out / nasty words just no contact.
The last time was over a decade ago. I was particularly upset because my sons were close to her and her husband.
Through my mum I tried to reach out to say could she please consider keeping contact with the boys but no reply.
It was v painful at first but I gradually got used to it. She did get back in touch at the start of the pandemic because mum was struggling on her own.
We now have text contact ( about mum who has dementia and is in a nursing home). Once mum passes I don’t suppose I will hear from her again.
It’s sad but I have accepted it.

NoTouch · 14/05/2023 11:51

My sister stopped direct contact with me around 12 years ago. The trigger seemed to be me having a difference of opinion on a sensitive matter, others in the family voiced the same opinion and were not cut out, I accepted we just had different options and to move on but she couldn't. Hurt like hell, my dad tried to talk to her but said she just denied there was any issue, so that was that. I suspect it was/is something else.

We see each other at family do's maybe once or twice a year and she puts on a public show of everything being ok, but refuses any direct contact from me. If she organises something like a family do for her own 40th birthday I will not be invited and she will tell others she thought I was busy. I openly say I wasn't invited, but she is a closed book and wont tell anyone a reason.

We were so close before, she loved her 3 year old nephew (who she also stopped seeing/acknowledging birthdays etc), in some ways it feels like a strange and confusing bereavement.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 11:56

I do feel for you, I hated it when we weren't 'friends', I'm older, I was brought up to look out for her, it was hard!

I'm the eldest and had to put up with DM wanging on about 'but what did you do?' (nothing, mother. He made a decision and that was it, I can't change it, I'm not stressing over it). I do feel protective towards him, though, and I'm glad we're back in touch. DM was something of a cow to him because he didn't live up to her expectations academically and that really affected him.

TheApplianceofScience · 14/05/2023 11:58

Historically,I spent a lot of time trying to make my Ds’s family into a family iykwim, we spent a lot of time and effort travelling to them, then I was very sick in my twenties and we realised that the traffic was literally one way.

We then went polite very very LC, and that worked well for quite a while then we got an email from his sister, to say that they had moved to a foreign country and attached photos Etc., All good, except they had moved six months earlier.

DH is a very laid back person and doesn’t do very deep very often, but the other day we were sitting in the garden and he said when I die, you need to tell my DS I am dead, I agreed and then he added, exactly six months after I die. I tried to argue, he wasn’t having it, so if he goes first that is what I will do to respect his wishes.

So I short no, I can’t see any reconciliation forthcoming.

girlfriend44 · 14/05/2023 12:09

Yes, and then stopped talking again. Some things aren't meant to be.
Just cos your sisters dosent mean you'll get on or share the same values etc.

Yellowdays · 14/05/2023 12:21

I had a rift with a family member for a while. The most helpful thing said to me by a friend who is an experienced counsellor is that the real reason is far more likely to be reasons to do with them than reasons to do with you. It's true, mostly, and very wise advice.

Original poster
GloriousD · 14/05/2023 14:35

Ladybug14 · 14/05/2023 11:43

When you say 'emotions were high', do you mean words were said which you now regret? I'm assuming so. And it appears your sibling isn't ready to forgive those 'high emotions'. May never be ready to forgive.

There have been many many times when I've wanted to vent at my sibling. But I am quite sure that (for me) it wouldn't help and , in fact, would make me feel worse in the end

So I aim to see as little of them as possible, but be friendly and kind, always

It was a tense dialogue both ways when we were both raw with grief. I have acknowledged that and want to move on but suspect she is not in ready or may never be.

I don’t need or want to be overly involved but it would be better to be in contact in a polite, civil and distanced way.

OP posts:
murasaki · 14/05/2023 14:48

Somewhat like @Timeandtune there wasn't a real reason but we just stopped engaging, perfectly polite at the parental.home, but that was infrequent. Oddly covid has brought it back round, I reached out at the start to moan about wfh with her, and we now WhatsApp often. Bizarrely youngest sister doesn't seem to like this as i think she enjoyed stirring the non existent pot while being friends with both of us.

Sigh.

CampfiresAndGuitars · 14/05/2023 15:03

GloriousD · 14/05/2023 11:26

That’s an interesting view from the other side. I could decide to send a neutral, non demanding card each year. I will think about that but equally don’t want to irritate my sister. It’s a fine line. But 12 years - that sounds like a lifetime and makes me feel very sad - not sure if it gets better or worse with time.

Show quote history

I have no contact with my my sibling and parents. They send cards and other things and I find it incredibly annoying and offensive. They know that I want nothing to do with them and they know why. I see it as an extension of the lack of respect for me that they showed me when I did have contact. Think carefully before you send anything regularly. You have reached out already so I would leave it there.

Original poster
GloriousD · 14/05/2023 15:06

CampfiresAndGuitars · 14/05/2023 15:03

I have no contact with my my sibling and parents. They send cards and other things and I find it incredibly annoying and offensive. They know that I want nothing to do with them and they know why. I see it as an extension of the lack of respect for me that they showed me when I did have contact. Think carefully before you send anything regularly. You have reached out already so I would leave it there.

Show quote history

That’s where I was at when I started the thread. The last thing I want to do is offend or irritate.

I am sorry for your experience and thank you for your openness - it’s been v helpful

OP posts:
parietal · 14/05/2023 16:33

My aunt1 broke off contact with her sister aunt2 for about 2yrs. No one knew why. They only got back in touch when my mum (SIL to both) told aunt1 she was being idiotic. And for the next 20 years they were fine.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 14/05/2023 19:00

That’s where I was at when I started the thread. The last thing I want to do is offend or irritate

I knew where DB was (not that far away from where I live) and other DB kept in touch with him and told me if there was anything going on. I didn't keep in any direct contact at all because it was clear that that wasn't wanted.

HBGKC · 14/05/2023 19:25

Don't give up.

One of my brothers and one of my sisters fought like cat and dog throughout childhood. At one point during adolescence he gave her a black eye. They are now good mates and see more of each other (with their spouses & children) than some of our other siblings.

You could send a card on their birthday every year..?

MrsTWH · 14/05/2023 19:49

I haven’t spoken to my brother in almost 20 years. Again, there is a toxic wife and drugs involved. While I miss my niece and nephew, I have no intention of ever reconciling. You’ve made your feelings clear, I would step back now.