I can't relate to posters who have affection for their parents and feel so strange

[greencardigangirl]

Reading a few other threads about people's relationships with their parents and reading things like 'they're always there for me' , 'they'll do anything for me', 'she is my key supporter', 'she is my best friend' etc is making me so down.

This kind of relationship with parents is just so alien to me. I have constantly felt like my parents just don't care for me, they have never really been that bothered if that makes sense. Don't really know what I'm trying to gain from my post really - just feel lost and so envious of those with good relationships.

Can anyone else relate to this?

Me. I had a good relationship with my father but he died 25 years ago when I was in my mid 20s. My mother has always been difficult, with long episodes of mental illness and odd behaviour from when I was a teenager. My relationship with her is hard and getting harder as she's now quite elderly.

I do stuff for her because I feel I have to and not because I want to. I have friends who'd happily spend all day with their parents, but for me, half an hour is too long. You are not alone OP. The Stately Homes threads are full of people like us.

I know what you mean OP. I do care for my parents but my mum has never really been able to be there for me as an adult - she was as a child/teenager. But now I'm an adult it feels like I'm the parent supporting her.

My dad isn't a bad person and I don't doubt that he loves me and would help me out if I needed anything, but I suspect he is a bit out of sight out of mind, and only rarely contacts me. It's been that way since my mid teens and I felt it as a rejection then, even though I've always logically known that is not the case.

I feel like a weird in betweener, there's no abuse like in Stately Homes but the warmth and support that people report from a good relationship isn't there either :/

I can relate. I remember years ago I saw a Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day card that listed a load of things that the parent supposedly did (you always have me lifts when I needed them, you were always there for me when I was sad, etc). My parents had literally done none of those things. I nearly bought the card to give ironically but never did.

They got a lot better after I got married and had children and also a lot better as they got older. Still not great, but occasionally ask me questions about my life (still quite rare) and lots less snide/ critical remarks ( but still more than is acceptable.)

i have, over the years, learned to live with it, and try to be the parent to my kids that they weren’t.

i think unless people have experienced this for themselves, they have no idea.

That's it - that's exactly how I feel - I feel a bit of a fraud as no abuse or violence but it was just cold and lacked affection and warmth - they've also never really 'been there' for me or my 'go to' people for support like I hear other people say and that's what I always wonder about. I just feel empty.

Yes. I've been no contact with mine for 11 years after 37 years of emotional and psychological abuse.

I like reading about other people's good relationships with their parents. It's oddly comforting.

My children are 24 and 17. My relationships with them are so different to the relationship I had with my own mother! Everytime I see them 'do better' than I did at the same age, I take comfort from the fact I'm a better parent than her. I've kind of written myself off in some respects as long as they feel secure that's all that counts.

I feel a bit of a fraud as no abuse or violence but it was just cold and lacked affection and warmth

What you are describing is emotional neglect. That is a form of abuse.

Agree about feeling a fraud. I had no abuse, I was fed clothed and educated . Bit I lacked affection support, love and praise. My parents simply weren’t interested in me and if they did respond to me, it was about making sure I knew where I was in the pecking order (at the bottom). There were lots of areas of neglect. I recognise about feeling empty.

Hey OP. I can relate. My Mum is around but having been a (reluctant, quite frankly) young single parent through my childhood she met my Stepdad when I was about to up and leave home in my late teens and our lives have diverged since then.

We're not close by any stretch, barely ever speak on the phone and due to distance see each other 1-2 times a year at best. We text a bit back and forth but to be honestly it's mostly a stream of consciousness from her and the odd '👍🏻' from me.

No abuse, no issues, but I suppose I hold some resentment about some of the things that went on when I was a kid and she's just not the first person I think of to turn to with anything, good news or bad.

My Dad's not in the picture at all, his choice to begin with and in later years mine. He made his bed and he's more than welcome to lay in it.

I relate. When my dad died I thought, 'Oh yeah, some people actually MISS their parents when they die, miss NICE things about their relationship with them.'

Yes Op. I do feel much like you do. I won’t go into why, but there is an emotional disconnect from them that has always been there. I was the oldest of a large number of siblings and I formed loving bonds with them. I think I supplied the emotional connection for most of them.

I, too, feel like you when I read of close relationships adults have with their parents. I guess what I feel sad about is that I know I will never have that with my parents. Indeed when my dad died, I grieved deeply for what we never had.

When I had my children I was brim full of emotion for them after I got over the shock of those early newborn weeks. I have close relationships with my now adult kids, and I am their first stop when they have any upset in their lives they need to talk/share. Sometimes I feel sad that there is no one in my life that I can do that with.

Yes, sadly I can relate. My parents were troubled and aggressive. After years and years of difficulty with them, we are not in contact any more and they live thousands of miles away so I won't bump into them.

All I can do is be a better parent to my children but I feel it when I see families out together.

Are you able to get emotional support from your siblings now you’re Al a bit older? I have an older sibling who was very much ‘there for me’ growing up, then when they went through a bad patch later in life I could be a support to them

My mother told me when I was about 5 I wasn’t the daughter she wanted. I was told I was very plain and should never forget that, she’d wanted a pretty daughter. My father was a very weak man who followed whatever she said. I can remember him having a criticism session at me when I was 12 and thought he looked so pleased with himself, he’d run to my mother to tell what he’d said to me, she’d be pleased with him. Weird couple, loved boys hated me.
And strangely I became the most successful of them all academically and financially, but I’d cut them all off by then so they didn’t know.
So like you I’m a bit bewildered by those who have great parents ( but wish it had been me)

I can relate to your relationship with your parents OP, but it doesn't make me sad or empty to read on here about other people's loving and supportive parents. I think it's great that people have those close relationships, and I hope my now adult children feel that they have that with me.

The buying cards issue is always tricky. All the "all the things you do for me..." blah blah cards. My sister joked one year that she'd thought about buying a mother's day card she'd seen that said "You're like a mother to me". I suppose it helps to have someone to joke about it with.

My mother is very elderly with multiple healthy issues, and we (sister and I) do our duty. I've had to miss/rearrange work to deal with stuff and have had a few other staff members giving me the head tilt "I'm so sorry about your mum" sympathy, which is kind of them but I'm very matter of fact about it and say "it's ok, I'm not actually close to my mother. Just doing my duty". It's interesting how many people then admit to feeling the same. I've had that conversation several times at work recently, so there are plenty of us out there.

Yes I can relate somewhat

My mum who adopted me passed a long time ago,
she was really good a linchpin of family miss her still obviously.

My father who adopted me , he is different kettle of fish,
He is often percieved as being stand offish..I can see why,
When unfortunately losed my mum, he didn't even think to offer get me bereavement counselling or other type of therapy, !

bear in mind I had come from a really fucked up background of history of children's so called Care homes from a extremely young age..background I was neglected and abandoned by both parents due to extreme mental health ect..

I come from a large family, who are close amongst themselves, but me and siblings were all put in children's care system,

I was the one who was adopted and taking to a different country transracially adopted.

Also my auntie on my birth family used to joke my birth mother was just mad,

I just wondering whether she is really mad or is it cause of the kind of background she came from and she just happened to be the weakling like I know this isn't a woke thing to say she was like runt of the litter type of thing..!?

I don't feel a strong sense of family connection because I come from a Jeremy mckayral TV show fucked up background...

Thanks @greencardigangirl
For doing this kind of mumsnet thread...

I know exactly what you mean,

I often wish feel "if only I had been born into a better dynamics kind of different family, group background instead of having the booby prize of crap dysfunctional type of family that is no good for you whatsoever. !

I was thinking about this this morning. I just can’t relate to normal relationships with parents. When people tell me that their parents have some awful illness I genuinely feel nothing (I say the right things but I can’t begin to understand how they feel).

I relate also. My parents (when asked) will say "of course we love you" but I see absolutely no sign of this. Instead it's a continual sequence of small things that demonstrate that they don't.

Funnily enough I was thinking the other night about whether I can be bothered to stay in touch with them. There's been no particular falling out and they haven't done anything particularly awful, my life is just easier and better without them in it. But if you say something like that in RL the main response is for people to say "but they are your parents!" and often "you'll regret it when they are gone" (which I really won't).

Yes OP, completely relate to this. But as a PP has said, not having that love, care and emotional security is a form of neglect, which has serious impacts on psychological wellbeing. It did with me, until I had my own kids and had that deep love connection and attachment that was missing from my own childhood. I resented my mum's constant negativity and criticism for years, until she got dementia and effectively is now a child herself. I decided to forgive, but mainly for my own benefit of not carrying that hurt around anymore.

I could have written this myself, word for word.

I relate to that and have done all my life. I can remember when I was about 7 one of my friends saying something like 'You know when you go to your dad for a hug when you've hurt yourself?' and being totally unable to understand the concept. No affection or involvement from either parent throughout my childhood, and they haven't changed half a century later.

When I bought my first London flat aged 24 the estate agent said 'Ooh I bet your parents are proud of you!', and again I just didn't understand what he meant as they hadn't even come to see it - or me ( and certainly no parental help!). Around 1999 I lived quite close to the Millennium Dome, which they made a day trip to London to visit without even telling me.

They're just a bit distant and strange, but I suppose it made me independent and resilient! I'm at an age and stage where my friends' parents are all starting to need care as they get frail and elderly, and I'm struggling to see myself doing the same for mine if the time comes.

Yes OP. My parents had a horrible divorce in my teens and constantly put me in the middle. I was scared all the time of showing any favour to one or the other. Ultimately my dad disowned me and my mum never apologised. I’m still in touch with her but I wouldn’t consider us having a loving close relationship, as she also lacks any emotional intelligence and can sometimes make quite nasty comments to me. Thankfully I have a good relationship with my brother. All it’s made me do is ensure my son never feels the same way.

I'm at an age and stage where my friends' parents are all starting to need care as they get frail and elderly, and I'm struggling to see myself doing the same for mine if the time comes.

Struggling with this also.
It seems awful (and so many threads on MN bemoaning children that won't help their elderly parents) not to support your parents in their old age, but if you don't have a close relationship with them and they've never particularly done anything for you (I don't count bringing you up - providing basics for a child is the minimum a parent should do), then equally why should/would you?

This is just what I was about to say OP. Lack of emotional warmth does fall under the realm of abuse.
It can be incredibly harmful & affect a person in so many ways

Time4achangeagain. Thank you for your concern. I have a pretty good life - friends, dogs, love music , voracious reader. I have one sister with whom I have a more equal relationship (like you have described with your sibling) but some years ago she moved a long way away with her family and now has a lot on her plate, so it means I always tend to keep Skype and phone calls light and humourous between us. My other siblings still see me as a parent to them

Yes I can relate very much, especially to the PP who had a cold mother and a father who would do anything to please her.
I remember my mother practically glowing with pride when my brother would say awful (well, probably normal brother/sister insults) to me.

My brother is golden child but even he slowly started to realise that our mother has serious issues.