I can't relate to posters who have affection for their parents and feel so strange

[greencardigangirl]

Reading a few other threads about people's relationships with their parents and reading things like 'they're always there for me' , 'they'll do anything for me', 'she is my key supporter', 'she is my best friend' etc is making me so down.

This kind of relationship with parents is just so alien to me. I have constantly felt like my parents just don't care for me, they have never really been that bothered if that makes sense. Don't really know what I'm trying to gain from my post really - just feel lost and so envious of those with good relationships.

Can anyone else relate to this?

I can. My parents were generally very good, but my mother was hyper-touchy and could be very difficult - we often had to tiptoe around her on eggshells. I did love her but I never felt so close to her as many others seem to. Plus she’d have denied it to her dying day, but she definitely favoured my brother over her 3 dds, and certain incidents from way back can still upset me if I let myself dwell on them.

She’s been dead for some years but I still feel guilty writing this - I know she’d be very upset if she knew!

I had a somewhat better relationship with my father, but he died long before she did.

My mum is the biggest coward. Spent her days character assassinating my siblings and I every single day. Trying to turn us against each other.
No surprise that she's ended up alone. I've never let my kids spend more than 5 minutes with her. She's incredibly bitter and takes offence from anything.
She tells us that we had the best childhood when it was actually hell and I'm just so glad not to have her in my life.

That’s so sad OP. I can relate in way but for me it was a grandparent. I honestly felt nothing when he died apart from sad for my dad as I knew they were close.

My dad left us when I was about 2, I have never really had a relationship with him, he was just someone who came round and took us out for the day occasionally. We never really spoke, I could not name one thing about him and his interests. He left to marry someone else who has since died so I suppose he is lonely now but I do not care.

My mother was uncaring, chucked me out when I was 15, I went back for a time but left at 17. I was just made to feel a nuisance and was told she could not afford to keep me.

I never had any help or encouragement growing up , just left to my own devices.

I see them probably once or twice a year. They had no interest in my children, who would probably walk past them in the street and not recognise them.

Their loss.

My Dad died in January from liver cancer. I'm absolutely lost without him and we had such a close bond, always did have. I adored him, even the cranky and cantankerous parts.
My Mum on the other hand is a very distant parent, my sister is the golden child and I just get the scraps left over. I've spent years bewildered by it but now just accept that I'm not the important one in her life. I have made a very determined effort to make sure that my own DC never feel that I'm the same.

The thing for me is that my mum was warm and supportive when I was a child/teenager, she just hasn't been able or had the means to do the same for me as an adult. I know it's not because she doesn't care, either. So I don't have any resentment, I just feel a bit sad about it.

I feel the same OP. I can’t relate at all when I see friends posting statuses about their parents or their mums being their best friends. My mum disowned me about 10 years ago when I was pregnant with my first child - it was yet another episode of her overreacting to something and cutting me off emotionally, only this time I didn’t go crawling back. It was a blessing really, she was a narcissistic woman who emotionally and physically abused me and my siblings from as long as I can remember and what I remember of my childhood was horrendous and I was petrified of her. I will always love her as she is my mum but will likely never see her again before she dies and I’ve come to terms with that.

it makes me sad I’ll never be able to relate to friends who do have those special relationships with their parents- however the way I see it is I’m hoping my children will have that sort of relationship with me.

I could relate to this 100% regarding my mother.

I find it odd when work colleagues or friends are upset when their mother is ill or has died as that's such an alien concept to me.

I never felt anything when when she was ill and was relieved when she died.

Yes though I was fortunate to be close to my mother, she died when I was young. I have a nice relationship with my dad, but it's more like he is a rather eccentric friend. I can't count on him emotionally or practically. He has left me to deal with very difficult things on my own. He thinks he's a great father.

I think it would be such a different life to have loving parents, especially if they were nearby.

OP - you are not alone (sadly). You may find this book about emotionally immature parents very helpful. it was recommended by another Mumsnetter and I found so much in there that I could relate to.

The only positive is that I now know how not to be with my children.

I can relate. I see adults on tv who are close and loving with their mums and read about people who are devastated to lose their mum and I feel nothing for mine. Id be delighted if i never had to see her again. She had a lot of mental health problems and bullied and emotionally abused me and my dad. I was the scapegoat. My sister was the golden child. She shows a sweet helpless face to the outside world but was very different behind closed doors. Lots of hitting until i finally started hitting back when i was 14. She was quite thick to be honest
I struggle to choose mothers day cards as I feel none of the sentiments expressed on then. Just write happy mothers day on a blank one.
Her neighbours have seen through her as she struggles to keep up the sweet public face to people she lives amongst.

Same here. Its awful on one level but then that is how we were raised so... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel exactly the same as you, OP. I’m estranged from my parents (horribly abusive, narcissistic people) and feel nothing positive forwards them. Don’t even register mother/Father’s Day and can’t really comprehend the bond. I’m very glad people have it and it must be great to have that support network, but it’s alien to me.

Second paragraph sums it up for me.

I have a vaguely similar experience - with my Dad anyway.
It became easier to live with once I looked into his own childhood and realized that he had had very little parental nurturing himself. I'm still sad we never had the relationship I would have liked, and sad that my own understanding came far too late for me to work towards that. But there you go.

I should add, I learned a lot looking at my DH's family relationships - they had their own set of complications but his DF was very loving - to me as well as to DH.
I think that's not unusual.

I’ll join this sad club. I relate to what many of you have said and I kind of worry, what will my relationship be like with my kids as the grow up, when I don’t have a model of what it’s like to feel close to a parent. How will I be that thing that I’ve never seen?

Even seeing my kids have a good relationship with DH and feeling loved, can feel quite strange and unsettling in a weird way as that’s not my experience of what a relationship with a dad is. I sometimes have to fight the urge to say ‘he’s not great all the time you know’ when they tell me how much they love dad. Like the damaged child in me want to protect them by making sure they know ‘you can’t fully trust anyone’. For the most part I think I have enough insight not to pass my experiences along but some passing on must be inevitable and it gives me fear if I let myself dwell.

I can relate too. My Dad died 15 years ago, we were really close and I would always go to him if I had any problems. Would chat for ages on the phone. I miss him terribly.

I’ve never felt any love from my Mum she’s very distant emotionally although she lives very close to us. She forgot my birthday last year. She always talks about herself. But she is my Mum and we see each other regularly. I feel like I’m the parent and she’s the child as we’re always cooking for her and helping her out. I can’t imagine ever being like this with my children.

Yes op some families are difficult. My mam is hard work her way or the highway. Moods and strops if not her way. Im envious of normal families. Just makes life easier

I can relate to this 100% I am sad that there are others who have had this experience. As people have said I can't relate at all when people get so badly affected by their parents becoming ill or passing away. My "parents" were horrifically abusive and neglectful and i grew up knowing I didn't matter. Been no contact for years but certain things people say do trigger intense sadness and a huge sense of loss at not having the basics of what others take for granted. How amazing it must be to grow up loved and feeling protected and that someone is there for you. It must be wonderful. How do others deal with this sadness. Also with the feeling like an alien etc as most people don't get it.

I can 100% relate to this. I grew up in a single parent household with my mum and never knew my dad.

When I was younger I enjoyed the freedom and thought it was amazing but as I've grown older I've realised that actually the relationship I have with my mum is very strained and difficult. We are bot very close and I find it difficult to show affection towards her.

It's strange as my partner of 11 years has a very close family and sees his mum regularly which, initially, was very alien to me.

Me too, OP. I have been n/c with my mum for years now because she had such a unique way of stabbing me in the heart. She was a covert narcissist and blatantly preferred my brother. I always felt like a disappointment to her, despite doing fine and being a good person.

Something that brought it home was recently watching Dr Gordon Neufield talk about attachment and the family. I realised how alien so many of those concepts feel to me - indeed, the loving forms of attachment he described actually make me feel claustrophobic, as though I cannot bear the idea of being so loved and cared for. Of course, I was watching it to be a better parent. I am constantly conscious of the legacy of my upbringing and how I don't want to pass it along to the children.