I'm wondering whether to just post a birthday card through my friend's door this weekend, rather than buy another present or voucher.

[Townlife]

I feel the friendship has been very 'one-way' for a couple of years now. I'm hurt by it, as we've known each other since Uni days, we're now both 51! Over the last few years I've noticed the following -

I never hear from her first, it's always me who suggests meeting up. This is only every 2 to 3 months, which seems ridiculous when we live only 5 minutes walk from each other! She responds, and we meet up but I then hear nothing.

Last time I left it 6 months, hoping she'd contact me in that time, but nothing. 🤔 We were then invited to a mutual friend's party. First thing she said was 'Oh I was going to text you last week to meet up, but then figured I'd see you here anyway!' I didn't believe it, btw. We were offered a lift home by another friend, and she said nothing in the car for 15 minute journey, unless I did.

Christmas & birthdays, she ALWAYS leaves a present on my doorstep, or voucher & card through letterbox, but never knocks. I do the same, but always make an effort to text her a 'Thank you, voucher is from my favourite shop/loved the scarf etc'. She doesn't embellish, just texts 'Thanks for the pressie'.

There's been no falling out, and we used to be close. I'm fairly quiet though compared to our other friends I suppose, she has commented before on me being the quiet, reliable friend. Sounds as though she feels she's known me long enough and isn't bothered anymore. 🙁

I'm tempted to just put a card through her door & no present, sounds a bit mean but she seems to view me now as nothing but an acquaintance. Hurtful, isn't it. 🤔

The trouble is that her actions are subjective and open to interpretation while your chance in an established gift habit is much less ambiguous.
could leave a bunch of daffodils or some chocolate with the card to make it more of a transition.
You could also tell her at a different time that you have the impression that she doesn’t want to continue the friendship.

*your change in the habit

always make an effort to text her a 'Thank you, voucher is from my favourite shop/loved the scarf etc'. She doesn't embellish, just texts 'Thanks for the pressie'.

Hmmm, I can’t see she’s actually done anything wrong here.

I think you're over thinking it/over analysing.

If you can afford it, send her the usual.

Let her be the one to stop the gifts. Then there is nothing to feel guilty about.

I don’t think you should just stop as it’s established I think you at least need to say shall we knock gifts on the head and just do cards in future .

I'd just send a card. Then nothing next year. Sounds like the friendship has ended.

Shinyandnew, well no, she's not doing anything 'wrong' in texting just 'Thanks for the prezzie', but she's not making an effort to comment on the gift itself. Last year I bought her a selection of her favourite cosmetics with a bottle of Prosecco (personalised label for her 50th birthday).

Just 'Thanks for the prezzie' seemed as if she was just thanking me, for example, for texting her an address she'd asked for, or confirming what time mutual friend has booked restaurant table. Seems as though she feels our friendship has run it's course, whereas I thought it was continuing. 🤔

I think you are overthinking this massively.

She’s buying you presents, thanking you for yours (albeit in a way you aren’t satisfied with) but you think she’s not invested in the friendship and you’re the one who wants to stop?!

But the only contact I have from her, is leaving a birthday present & Christmas present on my doorstep! No contact from her the rest of the time. We used to.go out for meals, cinema etc. It will still happen if I suggest it, but I then know months will go by until I initiate again!

Friendship should be 2-way. I once left it 7 or 8 months, after having been the one to text her first several times running, and still nothing. 🤔 Until I bumped into her at the shop and got the normal 'Oh, I've been meaning to text you'. She just doesn't, though!

@Townlife I wouldn't even bother with the card.

It takes zero effort to send a text asking how you are. She just doesn't care.

Leave it and stop making the solo effort. If she cares and misses you, she will reach out and you can resume from there but otherwise this is very one sided and you should let her go.

You sound like a lovely friend.

I think she would be relieved if you didnt do the card or presents.

She seems to have moved away from the friendship and seems to feel a tad guilty about it but life moves on and it doesn’t mean you have done anything wrong

Whats she like when you actually do meet up? Does she show much interest in what’s happening in your life?
I know you’ve said it’s always you that initiate meetings, some people are crap with arranging stuff but if you live so near and she doesn’t bother with any contact for months, then I think I’d just do a card and a small bunch of flowers.

Thank you, yes I feel I've always been a good friend to her. Over the years throughout job changes, big events in our lives, me marrying young and having children (she hasn't done either, but always showed interest in my dh & kids too). She still asks after dh, they worked for the same company for a while, and knew a lot of nutual people. She doesn't ask about the kids now though, (both adult).

To be honest, when we meet up she seems fine, picks up where we left off, but these meet-ups wouldn't happen if I didn't initiate. I wonder if she feels duty-bound to meet me when I suggest it, as I then hear nothing, even though I feel we've had a good time.

Yes, people change, but I've always been one to still make the effort with old friends, no matter how many newer people come and go in our lives. 30 years of friendship means a lot to me, but she could see it differently I suppose, in that we know each other so well there's nothing new to explore. She seems to spend more time with colleagues than she ever did, perhaps she just sees our friendship as 'old', and is more interested in newer connections. I don't feel I deserve to be cut off like this, though. 🤔

.

Well, I say 'cut off', I suppose if she'd cut me off she wouldn't respond to me at all. There's a word for it, just doing the bear minimum - acknowledging occasions, responding to texts, the odd Like on Facebook but nothing more, and certainly not initiating. Phasing out, I suppose?

I’ve got a lovely friend who never initiates contact and who is often late. However, we both get something from our friendship and unless I get a few ‘sorry can’t make that date’ I will carry on texting first. We are all different and our way of contact suits us.

Caramac, I'm glad you've got a lovely friendship with her, but does it ever frustrate you, that it's always you making the first move?

I could have written this exact post about an old school friend of mine. We used to be so close, bridesmaids at each others wedding etc . We've lived in different parts of the country at times and remained friends throughout and are now both in our 50s and living nearby. She's exactly the same as your friend. Never initiates but will agree if I suggest a meet up. When we see each other it's like we've never been apart. She'll text "let's not leave it so long next time" then seems to forget all about me and I don't hear anything. Like you I once left it 6 months or more before reaching out and she didn't even seem to notice. My friend is lovely and has not done anything wrong but our relationship is not balanced and I find it hurtful and exhausting.

In answer to your question I would change your gifting habits without talking to her first as that seems a bit passive aggressive unless you are actually wanting to phase the friendship out

Wouldn't change

damn it

Personally I don't think she's done anything wrong. She buys you birthday presents, so I'd do the same. If you're not going to see her, just put cash.in a card.

That's upsetting and frustrating at the same time, isn't it Pinkowl! When you've left contacting them much longer than you normally would, only for them to seem not to notice and STILL not reach out! You're no further forward, and STILL they leave you hanging!

I'd give the card and small present and then not initiate contact again.

I've been through this a couple of times - feeling I am l always the one suggesting meeting, so just stopped, to see if they got in touch. Well it's 3 years + for both of them now and they haven't got in touch so I guess my feelings were correct. It wasn't that they disliked me, they were just 'meh' about whether they say me or not, and we all deserve more than 'meh'.

Exactly, Birdchip! 'Meh' is how I feel my friend is about me. Fine by her if I make contact, she'll respond and meet me. Also fine by her if I DON'T make contact, and she won't bother to make the effort herself.
I agree with you, we deserve better. x

Last year I bought her a selection of her favourite cosmetics with a bottle of Prosecco (personalised label for her 50th birthday

That sounds like a lot, even for a 50th. Whatever the reason OP, she isn't as invested in this friendship as you are. I'd suggest that you leave a small but very thoughtful present this time, but then sit on your hands. Don't initiate any meet ups or any communication (I know you'll find that hard). What she does will tell you all you need to know.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ― Mark Twain