I'm wondering whether to just post a birthday card through my friend's door this weekend, rather than buy another present or voucher.

[Townlife]

I feel the friendship has been very 'one-way' for a couple of years now. I'm hurt by it, as we've known each other since Uni days, we're now both 51! Over the last few years I've noticed the following -

I never hear from her first, it's always me who suggests meeting up. This is only every 2 to 3 months, which seems ridiculous when we live only 5 minutes walk from each other! She responds, and we meet up but I then hear nothing.

Last time I left it 6 months, hoping she'd contact me in that time, but nothing. 🤔 We were then invited to a mutual friend's party. First thing she said was 'Oh I was going to text you last week to meet up, but then figured I'd see you here anyway!' I didn't believe it, btw. We were offered a lift home by another friend, and she said nothing in the car for 15 minute journey, unless I did.

Christmas & birthdays, she ALWAYS leaves a present on my doorstep, or voucher & card through letterbox, but never knocks. I do the same, but always make an effort to text her a 'Thank you, voucher is from my favourite shop/loved the scarf etc'. She doesn't embellish, just texts 'Thanks for the pressie'.

There's been no falling out, and we used to be close. I'm fairly quiet though compared to our other friends I suppose, she has commented before on me being the quiet, reliable friend. Sounds as though she feels she's known me long enough and isn't bothered anymore. 🙁

I'm tempted to just put a card through her door & no present, sounds a bit mean but she seems to view me now as nothing but an acquaintance. Hurtful, isn't it. 🤔

God you're Intense. She hasn't done anything wrong

'Quiet-quitting" your friendship? 😬

I'm a bit crap with a friend of mine from way back. She is always the one that reaches out with dinner dates, then I go along with it. I think the reason is that a) she has more time, she is the "wife" in our relationship but also b) it's not an exciting event I really look forward to, it's always low key, but equally I often enjoy it more than I expect; but mainly c) no one seems to mind the effort imbalance, so it goes on.

However, in our case I have kid/partner,/multiple elderly parents, she doesn't, so I rely on her to organize us and prod me.

What happens when you put dates to meet up to your friend? If she is consistently non-responsive there is really not a lot you can do other than mourn it and move on.

Pop a card round, and write a note saying something like ‘rather than a gift let me know when you’re free for a birthday coffee and cake/glass of wine etc’ or something along those lines.

She might take you up on it, she might not. Sometimes friendships run their course, doesn’t sound like either of you have done anything wrong.

I don't know, I don't even exchange gifts with friends of mine for birthdays! We all have enough stuff, and being stuck with the obligation of having to remember birthday gifts and sort them out in time can get a bit exhausting if you have more than a tiny number of friends.

Do you have many friends or is your social circle very limited, and is your friend perhaps someone with a larger number of friends that she needs to keep up with? One thing that I have noticed, since the pandemic, is that a lot of people have dropped large numbers of friends and started limiting their social circles to very small numbers of people, causing them to get over-intense and over-invested in those friendships (example: expecting friends to give gifts that meet their own quite-high standards and bestowing those gifts in a certain way, expecting friends to enthuse over gifts that you give them in a certain way and with an appropriate level of enthusiasm!), and get very hurt and upset when the friend, inevitably, doesn't meet those standards.

I am not great at gift giving so I would find it hard to meet your standards as well. Doesn't mean I don't care about my friends though.

My advice to the OP would be to expand your group of friends and acquaintances. Don't cut this friend off but maybe dial down the gift-giving stuff. She's probably a nice person who is just not as invested in this friendship as you are, perhaps because she has a lot of other people she is keeping up with.

Ladyofthepond, that's a good idea, I think I'll do that, offering birthday drinks or lunch when she lets me know she's free. It's difficult with the gifts, I turned 50 first and she posted a voucher through my door for a Spa Day at a lovely hotel. This was after she hadn't contacted me for months. I messaged thanking her, saying what a lovely treat, and when I gave her the luxury cosmetics & prosecco for her 50th she just texted 'Thanks for the prezzie'. I couldn't even tell if she liked them!

I do have other friends, but have always had several close friends rather than a big group, so her keeping me at arm's length has hurt me. I get the feeling she's moving more in groups now, so I'll carry on expanding my social circle, with work, my book club group etc. I'll leave it once I've posted her birthday card, I feel I'm unlikely to hear anything which is sad, bit she seems to have moved on. 🤔

I"m not an intense person, I feel anybody would struggle with this.

Oh dear, you could be writing this about me, op. I have a number of old friends who probably put more effort in to maintaining the relationship than I do. It’s not that I don’t care. I’m just busy. I always mean it when I say “Let’s not leave it so long next time!” But life gets in the way. Time passes frighteningly quickly.

One friend in particular has a habit of opening her messages with things like “Hello Stranger!” and other pass agg comments. To be honest, I find it makes me less likely to contact her because there’ll be an undercurrent of spikiness about my failings as a friend. I don’t need that intensity.

Drop the fancy present giving. Leave a card on her doorstep, and distance yourself a bit if the situation is making you feel sad. But I agree with others that she hasn’t done anything wrong; your lives have just drifted apart. You can accept this as the new status quo, and make your peace with it, or find new friends who can give you what you need in a friendship.

It's interesting to hear it from the other side, Venus and Brandy. I want to ask though, if the friends you mention didn't contact you for say, 6 months or even a year, would you contact them, or just let it drift?

It's hard for me, knowing I won't see her unless I initiate it. I'm happy to stop the present giving saga, my birthday falls earlier in the year than hers, so she sort of sets the precedent here. Although v grateful for these gifts, it would mean more to me to actually see her every few months. It seems from her point of view, she leaves a present for me and feels she's done her 'bit' in maintaining the friendship. A phone call or text asking how I am and wanting to see me, would mean much more.

I really feel for you, it's not a nice situation and you're not overly intense I don't think x

Yes, definitely time to let go. Great suggestion by lily pond. Build up other friendships and let this one go.

if the friends you mention didn't contact you for say, 6 months or even a year, would you contact them, or just let it drift?
To be brutally honest, I think it would depend on the friend. Some, it would finally occur to me that I’d not heard from them and I’d make an effort to arrange a catch up. Others, who I just don’t have anything in common with any more, I’d probably just unconsciously let drift to just Christmas cards. Pass agg friend? I’d be relieved if she dropped me, quite frankly.

Thank you Venus, yes I can understand that with the passive aggressive friend. I've actually been tempted to use the 'Hello Stranger' with this friend, due to my frustration with this set-up. 😚

I haven't though, nearest I've got is saying when we met up 'I hadn't heard from you since I last texted, so thought I'd make contact'. I was hoping she'd apologise, but she just laughed and changed the subject which frustrated me more! She's not bothered now, clearly.

Thank you, SunnyCornwall, I appreciate that. 😘 x

just Send a card.

Why dont you talk honestly to her about how you are feeling and ask her how she sees your friendship. If you are open and curious (and not pas ag or pointed) maybe you can both have a good conversation and come to a meeting of minds about how you would both like your friendship to continue (or not)

I had a friend like this. I was always the one that made the effort, she never did. Still bought each other presents until I didn't one Christmas and stopped initiating contact. And that was the end of the friendship.

Found out a couple of years later she'd been quite severely depressed, so I feel quite bad in hindsight. But at the time, it was an extended period of her seeming completely uninterested in being friends, which I found quite hard to deal with. It felt like we were going through the motions of a friendship that had ended years previously.

It's hard, isn't it, Bingo. 😘
Her birthday is today, so I went with Lilypond's suggestion and just put a card through her door, with a note suggesting birthday lunch or drinks when she's free. Will I hear? I'm guessing not, but I'll be strong and make this my last attempt at contacting her.

The poster who suggested talking openly to her about this, I'd like to, not sure how she'd react though. x

I'm with you, OP. The friendship has become too low effort to even bother with. What's the point in birthday gestures when you don't even meet for a coffee?!

At this stage it doesn’t really matter how she’d react as you have nothing to loose.

I think you did the right thing just posting a card, I would back off now and see if she contacts you, if she doesn't I would let the friendship go

@Townlife I had a friend like that and decided to be honest about it and asked her if she still wanted to be friends. She gas lit me and told me how upset she was that I would ask, I was very open and honest and not at all aggressive but this gave her an excuse to cut me off and it just confirmed that she didn't wish to remain friends.

I have friendships like this - very long - but when they recently moved I didnt receive a change of address. I heard through mutual friends and sent a card the 1st time, but when they moved again and I wasnt sent the change of address. That was my now very obvious clue. But I know now they are moaning about the lack of friends in the new place. Sorry no longer my problem. It is tricky. You like these people - they are lovely - but life moves on.

Friendships change, they ebb & flow. Don’t overthink it. Keep her in your life but don’t expect much from her. A card is more than enough. Some of my old friends just get a birthday text these days. I love them but my life is focused on different friends and that’s just how it goes. Just let it be what it will be. Don’t force it or close your heart off, it’ll only make you feel bad. ✨