To say he takes all of them

AllOrNothingSituation · 2023-05-05T14:34:27+00:00

I’ve posted about my ex before, we have 4 children oldest is autistic and has some quite extreme challenging behaviour. Ex barely bothers with contact seeing them as and when he feels like it, he regularly goes a long time between contact and never has them overnight. Recently he has been back in contact and has come to my house to see them, he will take them out but only to the local park next to my house. It was our youngest child’s birthday and he has asked to take them to the cinema this weekend which I said is ok but he is asking if our oldest will “cope with it” and hinting at not wanting to take her. I don’t want her being treated differently from the other children and she will want to go. My opinion is the he needs to learn to manage her behaviour just like I have, I don’t have the luxury of leaving her with anyone and only taking my “easy” children. She comes everywhere with me, everywhere. I have taken her to the cinema and I just deal with any behaviour if (or when) it arises. Otherwise we would be prisoners in our own home never able to go anywhere. I posted on another group for advice but got a few people saying how I should let him take them separately but his contact is so sporadic I know he will never do that he just won’t bother again until we have forgot about it, or that if he can’t manage them I should ho along with them 🙄 if only I had a built in helper to come along with me! How will he ever learn to manage them if he has never been given the opportunity and he always has a helper along the way? Apparently mums cope better than dads? And I had advice from people who aren’t single parents telling me they wouldn’t be able to manage their children out alone either, well yes you can say that if you have a partner but when you’ve been left with no choice you just deal with it. (Posted in parenting but no response)

ThisSingleMama · 05/05/2023 15:37

Are there no autism friendly screenings?

You didn't actually answer his question.... will SHE cope, not him, or stories about how YOU manage her behaviour. What about HER?

Sirzy · 05/05/2023 15:40

It’s a tough one - do you think the other children will benefit from a chance to go to the cinema without everyone being on alert for her behaviour? Will she actually cope?

I know my autistic son can’t cope even with the autistic friendly screenings but I wouldn’t expect others to miss out - especially on their birthdays.

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 15:45

So you didn't like the opinions or advice you got before and are hoping to get 'better' ones here? What happens if people on this thread have th esame opinions as the last?

So, is this thread about your ex and his contact with the DC and wanting us to bash him and tell you what an awful parent he is and how wonderful you are? If he has such sporadic contact with his DC and you don't like him picking and choosing who he sees and when and the uncertainty that must bring to all your children, why not get a court ordered arrangement in place?

or is it bout other posters who've given their honest opinion before but you now want other posters to bash them for giving you advice you don't like or agree with? In which case, everyone is entitled to their opinion and you'll always get a cross section of comments from one extreme to another. If you want to cherry pick what ones you want to take notice of, fine. But posting the same thread over and over in hope of getting 100% agreeable and positive comments is not realistic anywhere, is it, never mind on MN.

MayBeeJuneSoon · 05/05/2023 15:46

Did anyone reply to last thread?

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 15:47

I didn't post here i posted somewhere else I did post again here but had no responses. You don't have to comment.

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Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 15:48

Sirzy · 05/05/2023 15:40

It’s a tough one - do you think the other children will benefit from a chance to go to the cinema without everyone being on alert for her behaviour? Will she actually cope?

I know my autistic son can’t cope even with the autistic friendly screenings but I wouldn’t expect others to miss out - especially on their birthdays.

I've taken them all to the cinema and it's been fine its not their birthday weve already had a day out for that.

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MayBeeJuneSoon · 05/05/2023 15:49

Why is he asking if she will cope if you say she is fine?

Sirzy · 05/05/2023 15:49

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 15:48

I've taken them all to the cinema and it's been fine its not their birthday weve already had a day out for that.

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But it’s dad taking them out for the birthday. You said so.

uou have also said there have been times she doesn’t cope.

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 15:50

ThisSingleMama · 05/05/2023 15:37

Are there no autism friendly screenings?

You didn't actually answer his question.... will SHE cope, not him, or stories about how YOU manage her behaviour. What about HER?

He wouldn't take her to an autism one as the timings are too odd like 10am on a Sunday.

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Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 15:52

Sirzy · 05/05/2023 15:49

But it’s dad taking them out for the birthday. You said so.

uou have also said there have been times she doesn’t cope.

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She can be unpredictable we haven't been to the cinema in a while as nothing they've wanted to watch. The last time we went she was fine but I just meant in general rather than specifically the cinema.

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Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 15:54

MayBeeJuneSoon · 05/05/2023 15:49

Why is he asking if she will cope if you say she is fine?

Because she has behavioural problems and can be unpredictable, does that mean he should never take her anywhere? We haven't been to the cinema in a long time though so he isn't basing it specifically on the cinema he doesn't take them anywhere but the park next to our house so I think he is worried about how he will cope.

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Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 16:12

Why don't you put something in place where he has regular, consistent contact with all the children and he can then learn their behaviours and how to cope with anything as and when it comes along?

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:17

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 16:12

Why don't you put something in place where he has regular, consistent contact with all the children and he can then learn their behaviours and how to cope with anything as and when it comes along?

He doesn't want to see them any more regularly and last saw them on the 10th of March.

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Wishitsnows · 05/05/2023 16:21

Yes he should take them all or none. You have to cope and don’t get to pick and choose. I can’t believe he’s not embarrassed to highlight his incompetence and failings!

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:23

Wishitsnows · 05/05/2023 16:21

Yes he should take them all or none. You have to cope and don’t get to pick and choose. I can’t believe he’s not embarrassed to highlight his incompetence and failings!

Thank you. Shocked by these comments so basically only I should deal with her meltdowns 😲

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Theunamedcat · 05/05/2023 16:26

I tried the all or none approach he just kept returning the youngest literally picking him up from school and driving to my work/home or ringing me to demand my location so he could return him too me

He only sees the one now as the youngest voted with his feet and began refusing now the eldest is doing the same

His loss

TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2023 16:36

I think if it is for a Birthday treat then only the birthday girl/boy should go and he has a different day with the rest of them.

Our youngest is ASD amongst other issues and sometimes we do things all together if suitable and other times we do things separately with each of them as we know our youngest wouldn't cope and ruin it for the other two.
It's not perfect, just the best way for us.

I think, if I'm not wrong, you have posted before, your ex has some MH problems?
If so I would question if he would cause further problems for your DD if she had a meltdown, I don't think it would be in her best interests to be alone with him if so.

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:39

TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2023 16:36

I think if it is for a Birthday treat then only the birthday girl/boy should go and he has a different day with the rest of them.

Our youngest is ASD amongst other issues and sometimes we do things all together if suitable and other times we do things separately with each of them as we know our youngest wouldn't cope and ruin it for the other two.
It's not perfect, just the best way for us.

I think, if I'm not wrong, you have posted before, your ex has some MH problems?
If so I would question if he would cause further problems for your DD if she had a meltdown, I don't think it would be in her best interests to be alone with him if so.

Yes. He is medicated for his MH.

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Devonshiregal · 05/05/2023 16:42

Yeah he’s a knob. And totally out of order for leaving her out. Of course in an ideal world he’d be a good dad and you could do a mix of separate/together days out with the kids. But as he’s not then no, he doesn’t get to make your eldest feel lesser because he can’t be bothered to deal with her. How awful.

and anyone who thinks ohhh but the youngest will benefit from being with him so she should be sacrificed - is that what you want to teach them? That their sister should be left out? Gosh I’d never want my sister to miss out so I could benefit. Even if as a kid you don’t understand, as you got older you’d feel so guilty.

if you can tolerate being around him maybe you could agree to go to the cinema together once every three months. Maybe he can commit then. And you won’t have to talk much with him or look at him as it’ll be dark. Not perfect but clearly you’re someone who does what you can for your kids

TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2023 16:44

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:39

Yes. He is medicated for his MH.

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How has he reacted in the past to a meltdown she has?
I understand your POV and he should ideally take her out more but he doesn't sound responsible enough and I'd worry he could cause further harm iykwim.

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:47

Devonshiregal · 05/05/2023 16:42

Yeah he’s a knob. And totally out of order for leaving her out. Of course in an ideal world he’d be a good dad and you could do a mix of separate/together days out with the kids. But as he’s not then no, he doesn’t get to make your eldest feel lesser because he can’t be bothered to deal with her. How awful.

and anyone who thinks ohhh but the youngest will benefit from being with him so she should be sacrificed - is that what you want to teach them? That their sister should be left out? Gosh I’d never want my sister to miss out so I could benefit. Even if as a kid you don’t understand, as you got older you’d feel so guilty.

if you can tolerate being around him maybe you could agree to go to the cinema together once every three months. Maybe he can commit then. And you won’t have to talk much with him or look at him as it’ll be dark. Not perfect but clearly you’re someone who does what you can for your kids

Exactly shocked by the comments on here. I take her everywhere we go and I just manage if she kicks off I don't have a choice and I'm not going to let my other kids miss out on things. We would be trapped at home if I never took her anywhere, she wants to go, different if she didn't want to go but she will be at home crying and taking it out on me. He didn't have them so I could take them out and have a birthday for my youngest without one kicking off? If he was doing the same for me then fine but he isnt.

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3FriendsAndADog · 05/05/2023 16:49

I think he knows.
He knws it’s hard work. He knows there is the possibility that your oldest will have a meltdown but instead of making it easier fur himself and his dd (with an autism friendly session), he is finding it easier to not take his dd and leave her with you…
I wouldn’t be surprised he isn’t doing anything and is suddenly busy if you stick to your guns and ask him to taker her with him. And that his contact will be even more sporadic.

On the other side, if your dd can normally cope and if she wants to go, then there is no reason why he isn’t taking her.

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:49

TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2023 16:44

How has he reacted in the past to a meltdown she has?
I understand your POV and he should ideally take her out more but he doesn't sound responsible enough and I'd worry he could cause further harm iykwim.

Show quote history

He hasn't really experienced a melt down with her as he only takes them to the park and she doesn't have any problems in that time and they don't spend long there he brings them back after 45 minutes saying they wanted to come home.

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3FriendsAndADog · 05/05/2023 16:50

How old is your dd?

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:51

3FriendsAndADog · 05/05/2023 16:49

I think he knows.
He knws it’s hard work. He knows there is the possibility that your oldest will have a meltdown but instead of making it easier fur himself and his dd (with an autism friendly session), he is finding it easier to not take his dd and leave her with you…
I wouldn’t be surprised he isn’t doing anything and is suddenly busy if you stick to your guns and ask him to taker her with him. And that his contact will be even more sporadic.

On the other side, if your dd can normally cope and if she wants to go, then there is no reason why he isn’t taking her.

Part of me thinks he just doesn't want me to be completely alone so he wants to make sure I have at least one child still with me. Even if they go to the park he invites me along, I don't think he likes being alone with them.

OP posts:

To say he takes all of them

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