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Original poster

To say he takes all of them

41 replies

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 15:34

I’ve posted about my ex before, we have 4 children oldest is autistic and has some quite extreme challenging behaviour. Ex barely bothers with contact seeing them as and when he feels like it, he regularly goes a long time between contact and never has them overnight. Recently he has been back in contact and has come to my house to see them, he will take them out but only to the local park next to my house. It was our youngest child’s birthday and he has asked to take them to the cinema this weekend which I said is ok but he is asking if our oldest will “cope with it” and hinting at not wanting to take her. I don’t want her being treated differently from the other children and she will want to go. My opinion is the he needs to learn to manage her behaviour just like I have, I don’t have the luxury of leaving her with anyone and only taking my “easy” children. She comes everywhere with me, everywhere. I have taken her to the cinema and I just deal with any behaviour if (or when) it arises. Otherwise we would be prisoners in our own home never able to go anywhere. I posted on another group for advice but got a few people saying how I should let him take them separately but his contact is so sporadic I know he will never do that he just won’t bother again until we have forgot about it, or that if he can’t manage them I should ho along with them 🙄 if only I had a built in helper to come along with me! How will he ever learn to manage them if he has never been given the opportunity and he always has a helper along the way? Apparently mums cope better than dads? And I had advice from people who aren’t single parents telling me they wouldn’t be able to manage their children out alone either, well yes you can say that if you have a partner but when you’ve been left with no choice you just deal with it. (Posted in parenting but no response)

OP posts:

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 16:51

She's 12

OP posts:

Sirzy · 05/05/2023 16:53

On a practical note would you be able to access any respite/PA time for your eldest to all you to also have the important time with the other children as well? Or even your local break time system

in an ideal world you would be able to get a good balance of all children together and some 1-1/ smaller group time between you but that doesn’t seem to be possible so for everyone’s sake do look what else you can access.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2023 16:56

He sounds like a real let down, sorry op.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 17:09

What comments are you shocked at? You're asking for people's opinions and they giving them. Just exactly the same as whatever other forum you used and you were shocked by their opinions too. Absolutely nobody is saying he's a great father and you're an awful mum. People are giving their advice based on their own beliefs. Some think he should be allowed/made to take all DC, regardless of behaviour or consequences; some people think he be allowed to take other DC so their day out is not disturbed or ruined; other people are saying other things. You can't control what people think or say when you ask for opinion or advice on an open public forum. Are you going to get all the 'negative comments deleted because its not what you want to hear?
You're allowing him to pick and choose when he sees the kids, coming in and out of their lives, upsetting and disrupting the whole family.. Tell him if he wants proper contact to take you to court and then he will be told when he is allowed to see them, may even be given 50/50 or EOW, but something that he will have to stick to and will have to learn how to cope with any meltdowns or decide seeing his DC is just not worth the effort.
Is that a shocking comment or opinions too?

GrazingSheep · 05/05/2023 17:12

You have been posting about him for years. You know he is a crap father. That is never going to change. I think you have to decide what is best for the children - to see him on his terms or not see him at all.

MrsMiddleMother · 05/05/2023 17:15

Yanbu OP and I'm sorry that the father of your children is such a waste of space. He takes them all or none, if she has a meltdown that's unfortunate but he will have to cope just as you do

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 19:12

Yes that's my opinion too. I actually think he will cope better than me, dd is getting bigger and stronger and faster than me now so I am not better at coping than he is I just try my best because what choice is there? I wonder if we were still together and I said he will never have the children altogether if I would get the same comments, of course not. There is currently a thread on aibu with a similar thing and the op is being told her husband will need to learn to cope!

OP posts:

HaroldeVwilliam · 05/05/2023 19:30

In all honesty one this occasion I would agree to leave her with the caveat that he takes her out somewhere easier for him and her.

Op I totally get how unfair this is. However surley it's a good thing for you if he does start to make an effort and unfortunately as not right as these things are... If he has an over whelming dreadful time trying to manage them all and one getting upset, will he bother again?

Surely let. Him do cinema and make sure he takes out daughter somewhere you know she won't find as distressing so they have a chance to bond and learn how to be with each other.

I'm sorry you are going through this

HaroldeVwilliam · 05/05/2023 19:31

All or none is fine and fair today or when it happens but what if there is no next time because he can't cope and finds it too much.

You have to think of the bigger picture.

What ultimately is best for you and your family?

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 19:36

The trouble is I know he won't plan to take her somewhere separately he won't do it. He sees them once a month as it is or less, if he was seeing them weekly then I would be more certain he would but sadly he won't. She doesn't find rhe cinema distressing she can find anywhere distressing there's no guarantee its not the cinema in itself.

OP posts:

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 19:57

So why are you allowing him to have such inconsistent contact? Tell him it's all of them or none of them if that's what you want to do. And if he kicks up a fuss then you can tell him to take you to court for a shared child order arrangement. Why do you keep ignoring that option? Why are you telling everyone you are getting such awful replies to your predicament if you won't do anything to change it? You won't even acknowledge anyone who suggests anything you don't agree with or answer their questions.
Surely you can see all sides of the argument are relevant:
He takes older DC there's a chance your DD becomes really distraught, upset, scared, have a meltdown and will not want to go anywhere with dad in future. Plus the other DC day out gets cancelled or cut short.Nobody wins in this scenariom
He takes all DC and everything is absolutely fine
Or you tell dad he's can take 3 other DC and DD gets upset, feels neglected, upset and resents you.
Or you go with them.
But you only want to hear one thing from everyone but I'm still not really sure what that is? Option A? You want dad to learn to cope with DD's condition without you being there? And this lesson absolutely had to be learned on this cinema trip?
Again, absolutely nobody is saying he's a great dad, nobody is taking his side or saying you're a shit mum - they are just saying there are options.
There are solutions to your dilemma, you just refuse to acknowledge or discuss them because its not what you want to hear.

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 20:00

He wouldn't take me to court he just wouldn't see them

OP posts:

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 20:08

So, that's a result, isn't it? He's a selfish, disruptive, shit dad who treats one of his kids different to the others. Is that what you want for them rest of their lives? A shit dad who takes them the park for 45 minutes a month?
Are you seriously expecting him to just change into superdad?

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 20:13

The children want to see him though, despite the fact he doesn't bother with them they want to see him.

OP posts:

Original poster

AllOrNothingSituation · 05/05/2023 20:16

Well he's invited me along, typical. I really don't think this is because he can't cope with her I don't. I just think he doesn't want to be alone with them or he doesn't want me to be alone. I'm with them every single day now I'm being invited to the cinema.

OP posts:

Dontbelieveaword · 05/05/2023 20:24

What do you want us to say, OP? I think you've heard every single opinion or option, all of which you reject or tell us we're bad people. Now you're insinuating he's trying to control you by not letting you be alone.
So is your only choice is to contimue to let him be a dreadful dad and alwats somehow have a control of your life? Absolutely not. Are you allowing him to do this? Yes.
Can you refuse to go to cinema? Yes. Can you refuse to let him take some DC and not others? Yes. Cayou out force him to take all DC? No. Can you stop him seeing the kids and causing all this upset, being controlling, letting him treat some DC differently to others? Yes, absolutely.
What exactly do you want us to say? Is he a shit dad? Yes. Should he treat all his DC the same? Absolutely? Are younger DC entitled to go somewhere without DD sometimes? Absolutely. Do you have to agree to this? No
Tell us exactly what you want to hear that you haven't already?

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