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Original poster

No friends to invite to wedding

35 replies

LilyLily1999 · 02/05/2023 09:10

Hi all, me and my partner have started talking about getting married which I’m over the moon about! We’re only 22 (no judgement please) but he’s Muslim so it’s traditional for him to be married by now, his mums even said to him make it official, we’ve been together for years the only issue is I genuinely have no friends that I can invite. We’re planning on having a little ceremony where we say vows and get married in front of our close family but he’s now talking about having an after party etc in a venue and of course I’d love to as it’s a special day I want to make the most of it but I don’t have any friends so would have only family to invite which would be embarrassing for me as I’d love to have friends there that would support me and I could socialise with. I lost my friends during school due to my previous boyfriend being controlling and getting me to cut them off, I then went to a small college with around 30 students attending so didn’t bond with anyone there and I worked for a bit but never managed to make proper friends that I’d talk to outside work. I have a daughter so I’ve not been working or able to make friends now so I’m not sure how I feel about it and I’ve been dreading this situation as I said I’d love to have a big after party afterwards but it’s just the friend situation 😔

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/05/2023 09:12

Have you ever tried to rekindle the friendships from school?

DelilahBucket · 02/05/2023 09:14

I would seriously reconsider this marriage. You have been in a relationship since school, you already have a daughter, you have no support network and you don't work. You are VERY dependant and that is not a good position to be in at all. It also sounds like the marriage is being forced by his mum.

Original poster
LilyLily1999 · 02/05/2023 09:20

Having a daughter or any child dosent stop you from doing this especially marriage this guys already a massive part of my life is getting married is just an upgrade in our status it won’t change much and it’s something I truly want to do. I have a family support network just no friends and I’m going to get back into work later this year when my daughter goes into full time education I’m not dependant at all in fact not having much friends has taught me to be independent. It’s not forced we’ve spoke about getting married before and as I said in his religion/culture it’s normal to be married young his two older brothers are already married so of course his mum wants him to be but she’s not pressuring him she’s just spoken to him and said how if he loves me and wants to be with me we may as well make it official rather then just being boyfriend and girlfriend

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Snoken · 02/05/2023 09:52

I am not sure what you want to achieve with this post, do you want validation that you are doing the right thing, do you want tips on how to make new friends, do you want people give you uplifting stories about life without friends?

Your whole story is quite sad, and it seems like you rush into things (quite big life altering things) without much thought. You seem to lack confidence and you listen far more to boys/men than to yourself.

If I was your mother, I would tell you to create a life for yourself where you have friends and a job that can support you and your child, then you can look into getting married. There is absolutely zero reason for you to get married just now, it is only your boyfriend that is pressuring you. If he wants to be with you he will wait, but he has to see you living the kind of life you want to live before he can know that he wants to marry you. It's possible that he won't be accepting of you working or seeing friends, and you don't want to be trapped in a marriage once you find that out.

mindutopia · 02/05/2023 10:02

I agree with others that marriage or no marriage, I would focus on building a life for yourself. At 22, even with a child, you should be out in the world living - working, gaining new skills, meeting new people, doing activities you enjoy. Is your child also his? Do you have family support for childcare? I would draw on all your resources to make sure you can improve your financial future and the quality of your life. oth

That said, I wouldn't worry about who you can invite to the wedding/party. Just invite the people you care about. I moved to the UK to marry dh and all my family and friends were at the time back in my home country. We had a wedding with about 60 people, nearly all of them dh's family and friends. My immediate family (parents) attended and 2 of my close friends, but otherwise, I had no one else as the travel costs were just too great. We still had a lovely day. It's just a few hours and in the larger picture of your life, it won't matter one bit. The difference was that I had a support system and people I could reach out to and rely on if needed, even if they were far away. That's the bit I'd focus on improving because you are so young and you will need that support system as you get older. But who you invite to the party really isn't a big deal, even if it feels like it is right now.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/05/2023 10:04

DelilahBucket · 02/05/2023 09:14

I would seriously reconsider this marriage. You have been in a relationship since school, you already have a daughter, you have no support network and you don't work. You are VERY dependant and that is not a good position to be in at all. It also sounds like the marriage is being forced by his mum.

All of this.

Please, focus on yourself, not a man.

DelilahBucket · 02/05/2023 13:04

The fact that you think you are independent shows how naive you are. You are a very long way from independent. Having no friends doesn't make you independent, it has the opposite effect. Relying on a man for your income also makes you very dependent. You are so young and yet you have no life for no reason that you are giving. Not working and being a mum is not a reason to have no social life outside of your relationship. The fact that you already had a controlling relationship before leaving school rings massive alarm bells for me, and then you left that relationship for another, had a child at what, 18 years old, still with no life starting to build around you. Your post reads like you are in another controlling relationship but you can't see it.

Original poster
LilyLily1999 · 02/05/2023 19:14

I simply wanted advice on the friend situation not my relationship as stated no judgment…I don’t rely on him for money at all he dosent give me a penny I have my own money and yes I did have a child at a young age but I don’t regret that, just sounds very judgmental mentioning I have a child and I’m young when I asked for no judgement. I don’t have a social life as I have no friends but also because I’m a full time mum yes other people my age would be travelling, going clubbing etc doing all these experiences but I’m a full time mum I have family support but I’m not one of these young mums who leave their child with their parents so they can go out I look after my daughter 24/7, I’ll be home cooking, cleaning etc I practically feel like a house wife so although you may think I’ve not had a life I’m happy with the life I live even if it gets hard and I’ve always wanted to settle down not go out etc I’m more of a stay at home person me getting married would be good for me as it suits the lifestyle I live in my opinion and it’s what would make me happy. It’s hard to have a life when you have a child and family that are unable to watch them and yes it would be nice having friends but I don’t really need any it’s just in situations like this where it’s tough not having any to invite.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 02/05/2023 19:19

In relation to you original point when I got married I had my mum and dad only there and my husband had over 50 of his family and friends. It really doesn't matter, when you get married they are your family too and his friends are your friends.

Sousa · 02/05/2023 19:30

I'm not sure what you want to achieve with this post...for sure your future husband and his and your family know you don't have any friends...so what's the problem?

You say you also dont mind not having friends...so you clearly just worried what people might think...but they already know you dont have friends 🤔🤷‍♀️

It's just going around in circles😅

UsingChangeofName · 02/05/2023 20:14

DelilahBucket · 02/05/2023 09:14

I would seriously reconsider this marriage. You have been in a relationship since school, you already have a daughter, you have no support network and you don't work. You are VERY dependant and that is not a good position to be in at all. It also sounds like the marriage is being forced by his mum.

Another who agrees with this.

I’ll be home cooking, cleaning etc I practically feel like a house wife so although you may think I’ve not had a life I’m happy with the life I live even if it gets hard and I’ve always wanted to settle down not go out etc I’m more of a stay at home person

This makes it even more important.
You need to discover you before marrying anyone.
This will isolate you even more (if that is possible) and that really is the last thing you need.

Having no friends doesn't make you independent, it has the opposite effect. Relying on a man for your income also makes you very dependent. You are so young and yet you have no life for no reason that you are giving. Not working and being a mum is not a reason to have no social life outside of your relationship. The fact that you already had a controlling relationship before leaving school rings massive alarm bells for me, and then you left that relationship for another, had a child at what, 18 years old, still with no life starting to build around you. Your post reads like you are in another controlling relationship but you can't see it.

All of this.

UsingChangeofName · 02/05/2023 20:16

Plus, your post seems to be expressing concerns about "being seen to not have friends" rather than an actual concern about being lonely, or being sad that you have no friends.

Dontlistitonfacebook · 02/05/2023 20:20

Being a mum doesn't stop you from having friends! When my kids were little I used to meet up with other mums who had toddlers, go to playgroups, chat to people in the park.

What is stopping you from having friends?

Dontlistitonfacebook · 02/05/2023 20:23

I also had kids young and got married when I was 21. Still managed to have friends. So I am wondering what is going on for you that is getting in the way of friendships.

MrsMitford3 · 02/05/2023 20:24

I'm not clear-is your boyfriend your child's father?

It does sound like you have gone from a controlling relationship to another controlled situation by boyfriend's mum.

I think you really need to take some time, work on yourself and friendships-maybe in a baby group? some mum friends?

You just seem very young and isolated to me

TheSnowyOwl · 02/05/2023 20:26

I don’t understand how you can have been with your fiancé for years, yet it was a previous boyfriend who was controlling and stopped you having friends. What has happened in all the years since whilst you got over the relationship and then started the beginning of your years with your fiancé?

Grimbelina · 02/05/2023 20:27

I also wanted to add are you having a legal marriage or just an exchange of vows in front of family? It is incredibly important that you understand the legal difference between the two as if you aren't legally married, have more children with your future DH, don't work and are dependant and the marriage fails you will be in a very precarious position. There have been so many (very sad) threads on Mumsnet about this.

EarlGreyAndCucumber · 02/05/2023 20:30

I made most of my friends from work, and also from from nursery, where being penned up with other parents at birthday parties on a regular basis encourages you to get to know people. Are either of those options for you in the future? I would try not to think about it at the wedding - too late to do anything about that - but it is nice to have people outside the family that you can spend time with and call in an emergency.

NurseCranesRolodex · 02/05/2023 20:32

It's not too late to make friends. Are you fearful of rejection if you don't agree to a wedding soon? It won't hurt to wait 3 years. You could feel differently if you get some training, college, work experience etc. What are your skills. Ultimately I wouldn't get married yet as its due to pressure from his culture and family. Focus on your child and striving to expand your horizons, then you'll meet people and you can invite them to your wedding in time.

gentlemum · 02/05/2023 20:33

I'm sorry you've had so many judgemental replies on here from people acting as if they know you and your situation which they've just inferred from a short post! You've stated you're happy with your life and want to get married and that's all that matters 🙂

In response to the actual point of your post, I really wouldn't worry about you having a smaller guest list than your husband to be will have. Everyone will be enjoying the day and the party and no one will care, if they even notice that is! My husband doesn't have any friends and so his guest list included only family whereas I had quite a lot of friends come. No one batted an eyelid or made any comment at all. Don't overthink it 😊

unfortunateevents · 02/05/2023 20:34

Your partner already knows you don't have any friends, you live with him! I don't know why being a mother means you don't have friends either, did you not meet any during ante-natal classes or baby groups? Do you take your child to swimming, music, baby yoga? Also how can you be completely financially independent if you are not working? Who is paying your rent, council tax, bills, food?

curious79 · 02/05/2023 20:36

Maybe part of what you need to do, here is reframe what a friend is. I adore my brother and my sister and they are very much friends. I’m good friends with my cousins. They happen also to be family. With this in mind, do some of your family count as friends?

viques · 02/05/2023 20:36

If you are not working where does “your own money” come from. You aren’t working, haven’t been working for some time I assume and weren’t working long enough to build up decent savings. Do you mean you are getting benefits, because that will change if you get married. What does your bf do, does he earn enough to support you, the child and any further children? Sorry, clicked italics by mistake. And as others have said , make sure this is a legal marriage, not a Muslim marriage which has NO legal standing in the uk.

HewasH2O · 02/05/2023 20:37

You do sound lonely. Do you take your DC to any activities where you could start talking to other parents, then build up to play dates and coffes?

Do you socialise with your partner and his friends? If he knows that you don't have a social life of your own, he should be including you and helping you build friendships with his own friends and family, not leaving you isolated at home.

momtoboys · 02/05/2023 20:39

Is your current partner the childs father?