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Original poster

Am I too strict?

44 replies

Podengo · 30/04/2023 18:35

My DS is 17 and has a 16 year old girlfriend. They've been together a year. Almost from the beginning he asked if he could sleepover (her bed) at hers. She asked him. I was gobsmacked her mother would allow it (he was16 she was 15). So I said no until he was 17. So he's been staying there regularly for 1 night a week since he turned 17.
He's her first boyfriend.
He wants to spend more than 1 night there now. I am saying no......but I've no idea if I'm being too strict???

OP posts:
BooksAndHooks · 30/04/2023 18:39

Why are you saying no?

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 18:42

I assume that he goes on a Friday or Saturday night and that she lives locally.
Are they both year 12? If gf is in year 11 then I'd say he can stay an extra night during half term but to wait until her exams are over.

Sirzy · 30/04/2023 18:43

On what grounds are you saying no?

realistically if he wanted to move in with her tomorrow you couldn’t stop them!

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Quitelikeit · 30/04/2023 18:44

I think too strict

at least allow two night?

What are you going to do when he is 18?

You need to cut the apron strings I’m afraid

Your children are there to be raised by you and then you safely release them into the world

They are not there to be controlled by you into adulthood - otherwise you are going to be dysfunctional to an extent

Dacadactyl · 30/04/2023 18:44

I wouldn't be happy either OP and I think her mum must be mad.

Quitelikeit · 30/04/2023 18:45

I mean what truly are you worried about? That he’s having sex? He probably is. I know it’s a thought you wouldn’t want to have but you have to let them grow up and adult!

pinksheetss · 30/04/2023 18:48

He's 17... it sounds a bit controlling at this age

Legally he can get up and move out your house and into one of his own with her if he wants to. I think you will cause more problems for yourself in the end behaving like this

If you are concerned about them sleeping together and what may happen then I'd suggest education and making sure he knows all contraception options

Original poster
Podengo · 30/04/2023 18:56

I realize he could move out now. She's a bit controlling. Gets upset if he talks to other girls etc. He frequently gets fed up but still seems to go along with what she wants. Plus I miss him.😩

OP posts:
Travis1 · 30/04/2023 18:58

What’s your reasoning? I mean if it’s sex he doesn’t need to be sleeping over for that and he could move out tomorrow without your permission so yeah you probably are being too strict imo

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 18:59

Is he seeing his friends? Doing his schoolwork? I remember a thread on here about a boy with a controlling teen gf and that was an eye opener

Sirzy · 30/04/2023 19:00

Why not open the door to them staying at yours too then?

Quitelikeit · 30/04/2023 19:01

Hmm they can be very jealous at that age though usually goes both ways

sadly it is very selfish if the reason is you miss him

Travis1 · 30/04/2023 19:02

Podengo · 30/04/2023 18:56

I realize he could move out now. She's a bit controlling. Gets upset if he talks to other girls etc. He frequently gets fed up but still seems to go along with what she wants. Plus I miss him.😩

Jesus you would like my mother in law, it’s now 21 years later and she gets a once a week visit if she’s lucky. If you want to see more of your son try and include the girlfriend.

Original poster
Podengo · 30/04/2023 19:05

He doesn't spend much time studying for his A levels cos he's always with her

OP posts:
pinksheetss · 30/04/2023 19:08

So you want to counteract her being controlling by you controlling what he can do as well?

SorePaw · 30/04/2023 19:08

@Podengo no you're not. It's better not to allow them to slip into a more committed, more adult relationship than they need to be in, especially if she's controlling.

be 'the Bad Guy' - he won't appreciate it now, but he will in the future.

separately...

make condoms available & remind him HE is responsible for contraception too, whatever she says she's doing, he can double up!!

Quitelikeit · 30/04/2023 19:08

hmmm sorry but you need to back off. He is literally doing what most 17 year olds are doing

And kindly do be careful as you say his gf is jealous but you are too.

Our kids date people like their role models

also the more you criticise her the more he will lean towards her

Original poster
Podengo · 30/04/2023 19:10

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 18:42

I assume that he goes on a Friday or Saturday night and that she lives locally.
Are they both year 12? If gf is in year 11 then I'd say he can stay an extra night during half term but to wait until her exams are over.

He goes there Saturday lunchtime and comes back Sunday evening.

Both year12

OP posts:
SugarSyrup · 30/04/2023 19:25

Honestly, it's time to let him be a young man here. He's old enough to make his own choices. Don't get involved in his relationship, don't make it about you missing him. Support him into becoming an adult soon.

awakeeveeynight · 30/04/2023 19:27

He sounds like a normal teenager. Yes you're being too strict and (apologies) quite needy. Speak to him about safe sex and let him live his life.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/04/2023 19:37

I don't think you are too strict. School and family still needs to be priority. I would say once he's done year 12 and shows responsible thinking and actions about the future I'd be open to allowing one night a week at mine, but it wouldn't be like Motel 7. Family time would still be expected. Hang out, dinner together, movie or game night would be reasonable. That's adult expectations. Any more nights wanted I'd suggest moving out with gf.

emmathedilemma · 30/04/2023 19:42

They’re school kids not adults, I’d say you’re being pretty lenient not strict!

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 19:43

He’s probably repeating the controlling relationship you have with him with his girlfriend.

tailinthejam · 30/04/2023 19:58

Podengo · 30/04/2023 18:56

I realize he could move out now. She's a bit controlling. Gets upset if he talks to other girls etc. He frequently gets fed up but still seems to go along with what she wants. Plus I miss him.😩

Never mind the sex, that's not an issue and you can't stop them.

What concerns me is what you say here about her character. This is what you need to have a chat with him about. Just casually and calmly, and explain that some people can be very demanding in a relationship, and if he ever feels that he is under pressure or he isn't happy about something, then he can talk to you about how to deal with it. Tell him that if he were a young woman instead of a young man, you would have the exact same conversation.
Keep the channels of communication open.

grayhairdontcare · 30/04/2023 21:16

Invite her round and get to know her.
Spend time together with them and be welcoming.
It's the way to see what's going on.
They will definitely be having sex and there is nothing you can do about that but you can be opening and welcoming to his girlfriend .