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Original poster

Am I too strict?

44 replies

Podengo · 30/04/2023 18:35

My DS is 17 and has a 16 year old girlfriend. They've been together a year. Almost from the beginning he asked if he could sleepover (her bed) at hers. She asked him. I was gobsmacked her mother would allow it (he was16 she was 15). So I said no until he was 17. So he's been staying there regularly for 1 night a week since he turned 17.
He's her first boyfriend.
He wants to spend more than 1 night there now. I am saying no......but I've no idea if I'm being too strict???

OP posts:
Original poster
Podengo · 30/04/2023 21:36

I have her here but they spend all their time in his room. I have chatted to her but I'm very shy and not good at talking to people. I feel I'm a total failure at being a parent. I'm falling apart

OP posts:
Emotionalmama · 30/04/2023 22:01

Might get a bit of stick for this but you’re being really selfish here. He’s growing up and being a normal teenager. He probably doesn’t want to spend his time with his mum and that’s totally normal. You sound a bit overbearing tbh and although it’s hard to let go, you need to or else it’ll have worse longer term implications. Obviously he wants to spend time with his girlfriend alone. Try and put yourself in his shoes.

grayhairdontcare · 30/04/2023 22:02

@Podengo you are not failing.
He is being independent and finding his way.
He is getting older and wanting to do his own things.

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Families
SarahDippity · 30/04/2023 22:08

I don’t think expecting him home 2/7 nights when he’s a full time school student is too much. Equally I wouldn’t let me 16yo daughter have someone stay over 2/7. I don’t consider that controlling; I think it’s a reasonable expectation of a parent of school-age teens. I wouldn’t be bothered about what other people think of it.

WinginItAtDIY · 30/04/2023 22:10

Hes 17!
Far too strict.

Charles11 · 30/04/2023 22:13

Well, I would be more strict than you.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 30/04/2023 22:19

I don’t think too strict at all! We are very relaxed
parents but we didn’t do same
room sleepovers with girlfriends when DS was a teen. Luckily his girlfriend (at the time) parents felt the same. Yes they’re were having sex, all fine, normal and natural, but we didn’t want them to be playing “adult relationships” when they should be out having fun with their mates, we also didn’t want younger DD to see a succession of girlfriends staying over.

His uni girlfriend will be coming to stay in a few weeks in same room they are housemates who have got together so been living together since September anyway, so the horse has bolted in that regard.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 30/04/2023 22:23

I have a 17 yo dd and definitely wouldn't want her spending more than one night a week at her boyfriends house. I don't care if that makes me strict, she's still young plus she has lots of college work to do.

Tbh I'm not happy about sleepovers at all at this age but I understand at 16/17yo you have to allow a little bit of freedom.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2023 22:29

This is a crazy situation. They're both too young for this level of intensity in a relationship.

I'd be looking for ways of calling a screeching halt to it all.

Your son and this girl both need to focus on their studies. They need to have a wide circle of friends and other activities.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2023 22:35

I would be very hesitant to believe his story of the GF being demanding and jealous.

This is the bunny boiler trope (see Fatal Attraction). It's too easy to vilify a young woman and blame her for forcing your son to stay in a relationship or dial it up a notch.

Tell your son to grow a pair if he's genuinely ambivalent about spending so much time with her. He needs to be assertive and not be so available.

Otherwise he needs to own this. The fact that the two of them spend all their time at your house up in his bedroom says to me that actually, he's very invested in the relationship and he's driving it forward as much as she is or even moreso.

WheelsUp · 30/04/2023 22:35

That's more than enough. He should be doing some studying and seeing his friends at the weekend too.

SugarSyrup · 30/04/2023 22:58

Why are you falling apart? Because your son is growing up and independent from you?

Original poster
Podengo · 01/05/2023 07:50

Aaaagh. So some think I'm too strict and some too lenient.😩

I just don't know. He's a shy lad and easily talked into things.

OP posts:
Alighttouchonthetiller · 01/05/2023 08:13

I've just been thinking about this - there's no way my parents would have allowed me to regularly stay at a boyfriend's house when I was still at school. I had boyfriends, but we'd all go out with a gang of friends on a Saturday night then go our separate ways, do some studying on Sunday and see each other again on Monday. It was over 30 years ago, admittedly, so I know times have changed.

Original poster
Podengo · 01/05/2023 08:21

He's at college and will be 18 in 4 months. Which is why I allow 1 night a week

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 01/05/2023 08:41

On another thread posters were saying 16yo's are but children and should it be having sex.

I think you've got it just right, you're giving him some freedom, but not letting him take the piss.

Although I don't know why he's 18 in 4 months if he's Y12.

Cratos · 01/05/2023 09:03

It is so hard. Their brain doesn't fully develop until they are 25. You are not too strick and I know it is hard to keep calm and they don't want to listen. The consequences of an intense relationship at this school age can be heavy and it can impact their future success if not managed well. School and other friends are very important and also family time. Not every family value education the same way. I have seen this around our circle. He needs to understand that Year 12 and college years are critical years for his future especially if he wants to attend university. Yes if there is a problem it can be also be rectified in the future but it can be more challenging. Their mental health should also be considered so right balance is important for both of them. 17 year old can be considered as an adult soon but as we know majority of them are not adults yet I.e. earning a living and able to look after themselves etc. They still need a lot of support.

Original poster
Podengo · 01/05/2023 09:09

LynetteScavo · 01/05/2023 08:41

On another thread posters were saying 16yo's are but children and should it be having sex.

I think you've got it just right, you're giving him some freedom, but not letting him take the piss.

Although I don't know why he's 18 in 4 months if he's Y12.

He's in the first year of A Levels. Born in September.

OP posts:
Original poster
Podengo · 01/05/2023 09:10

Cratos · 01/05/2023 09:03

It is so hard. Their brain doesn't fully develop until they are 25. You are not too strick and I know it is hard to keep calm and they don't want to listen. The consequences of an intense relationship at this school age can be heavy and it can impact their future success if not managed well. School and other friends are very important and also family time. Not every family value education the same way. I have seen this around our circle. He needs to understand that Year 12 and college years are critical years for his future especially if he wants to attend university. Yes if there is a problem it can be also be rectified in the future but it can be more challenging. Their mental health should also be considered so right balance is important for both of them. 17 year old can be considered as an adult soon but as we know majority of them are not adults yet I.e. earning a living and able to look after themselves etc. They still need a lot of support.

Yes I agree.

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