No friends

[Hmommy24]

Hi everyone!

im in my late 20’s and have 2 children. Something that bothers me is that I have no friends. Growing up I never had a big friendship circle as I was extremely shy. I never formed many friendships even at uni only had 2 friends.

Once I had my children I have been a devoted mother 24/7 for over 5 years now. I’ve been so busy with motherhood raising my kids and never had a second for myself. I have a dp who I consider my ‘best friend’ and only friend tbh. But he works quite often.

it was recently my birthday and I posted on my social media story and the ‘online friends’ that I thought I had didn’t even wish me a happy birthday. Not 1 person that viewed my stories said happy birthday. My partner pointed this out to me recently and told me I should consider removing those people from my page as they couldn’t even say HB.

this evening when watching my stories on IG (of me at the park with our children having fun) he said ‘you keep posting stories but nobody cares about you’. This hurt me so much. A very horrible thing for him to say but I also know he didn’t mean to word it that way and actually was upset that no one bothers with me etc.

the thing is… he’s right. They don’t care. I don’t even have 1 actual friend. I’m quite quiet and spend most of my time doing ‘mom’ things so I’d need a friend that can relate - potentially another mommy. I have joined the Peanut app but the convos either died out or some women would ask for my social media to talk through there instead but never accept me in the end or make effort to conversate.

the only other thing I do is go to the gym. There’s no one there I could be friends with, no women try to talk and I’m usually focused on my workout then leave anyway. I only work part time at the moment and it’s working from home so I don’t have the possibility of making friends through colleagues either.

it is starting to bother me now. I feel like I should have atleast a couple friends from throughout my life (maybe from school/college/university etc) but I don’t. It’s not easy to quickly form a random friendship either - it’s something that should happen naturally.

is anyone else in this position? It’s quite sad as I think about if I were to get married I wouldn’t have any friends to invite to my wedding or to be my bridesmaids etc (I’d only have family). My dp threw me a surprise birthday party recently and I only had my mother and sisters to invite.

any advice?

Most of the friends I make now are via the kids schools. Anyone at the school gates you chat too? I'm not friends with anyone in my kids class or year but made friends on whole school walking group.

I guess part of my issue is I’m slightly anti social? Well I’m not - I’m extremely kind and calm so I know I’d be a great friend but at the kids school I kind of just stick to myself.

most of the other parents are very loud and rowdy which isn’t like me so I’d find it a bit awkward to fit in and if I’m honest (without sounding rude) I don’t think I’d want to be friends with alot of them. Not to sound picky but most of them shouting, fighting etc and I’d stick out like a sore thumb as I’m the opposite.

Fighting?! What at the school gates?

What your partner said although you may find it true was actually very hurtful and spiteful. Has ever considered maybe trying to get you involved with his circle of friends and their partners?

I have a handful of what I class as friends but talk to a few people at nursery drop off and pick ups. Sometimes you have to put yourself out of your comfort zone which I know is hard to do and maybe start up a conversation. I'm not the most social person but found since DS started at nursery I forced myself out of my comfort zone to interact with other parents just general chit chat.

I can't believe that most of the parents are rowdy and fighting while you are extremely kind and calm. Sounds like a distorted view of others and yourself. How are you at keeping in touch with others? Do you comment on others' stories and posts and wish them happy birthday etc? I think a lot of making friends comes down to being genuinely interested in others and wanting to spend time with them, which is doesn't sound like your thing if what you want is for them to be interested in you and validate your posts etc. I think you'd have to get past seeing them all as rowdy etc and find something to like. Or working out of the home is the thing really, most of my adult friendships have come through work.

Omg I could if written this !! I can only wish you the best and for you to continue to focus on your kids and partner they are the ones that truly matter. I've resigned myself to the fact I'll probably never experience true friendships but I guess I'm at peace with that as my kids and my family are what truly matters at the end of the day.

The area I live in isn’t the greatest. Therefore a large proportion of the parents at the school are very much the same. Very rowdy, shouting and there’s been quite a few fights between parents. Ofcourse that’s no everyone though, but overall I haven’t come across anyone not like that yet so I end up just standing by myself until the gates open. There is one lady quite similar to me whose child attend the same class. She’s very kind and gentle and we text quite often but she’s much older than me and has a busy life herself.

that was what made me realise no one is really bothered with me. As even though I only have a couple ‘social media friends’ I’m constantly liking their posts (of their kids or whatever they’re up to), saying happy birthday and them not doing the same in return. Or one girl from my university that was messaging me quite often and I gave her lots of advice for her business etc and yet she didn’t wish me hb. I don’t mean to focus on the ‘happy birthday’ wishes as I’m very easy going and not bothered by much. I’m just saying that I have realised I don’t have any friends and although I have people that love to watch my stories everyday they aren’t actually bothered to make effort back.

it’s not about validating my posts - that’s the only example I had to show as I don’t have any friends physically. It was just an example that even those I make effort with don’t make it back. I’m a really easy going person so I’m not sure why I find it difficult to make friends but tbh 90% of my time I am at home.

I can't believe that most of the parents are rowdy and fighting while you are extremely kind and calm. Sounds like a distorted view of others and yourself. How are you at keeping in touch with others? Do you comment on others' stories and posts and wish them happy birthday etc? I think a lot of making friends comes down to being genuinely interested in others and wanting to spend time with them, which is doesn't sound like your thing if what you want is for them to be interested in you and validate your posts etc.

I agree with this.
Add that in to your comments about not having friends at school, and not having many friends at University.

Then your comment I have been a devoted mother 24/7 for over 5 years now. I’ve been so busy with motherhood raising my kids and never had a second for myself. really doesn't sound a nice thing to say at all. It suggests you look down on people who might actually take an evening to do a hobby, or meet with their friends. It sounds really judgemental.

Honestly, everything you have posted seems to be about you wanting friends for odd reasons - for "likes" on your social media or so you can have someone to invite to your wedding, rather than actually enjoying spending time with people.

I had lots of friends throughout life and can make friends easily if I wanted to. I moved a lot and it wasn't my choice.

I wouldn't say the quality of those friendships was good.

I had some friends for many years.

I now have no friends. I am OK with this. I don't refret the good times we had. They were probably most of the acquaintances of convenience. I would say very few were real friends and even they weren't interested when friendship with me wasn't as convenient.

Many people plate spin for entertainment and are transactional they are acquaintances and you seem like you don't want to waste your time on them and I don't blame you.

Yes it was very hurtful I agree.

no he hasn’t tried to include me in his friendship circle. To be honest, he doesn’t have a friendship circle either. He knows many people and has formed somewhat ‘friendships’ with many of his clients which is great but he doesn’t hang out with friends either. He’s very strict on just working and then spending time with the family which I appreciate and love too

You say your partner’s comments weren’t meant in a hurtful way but they honestly sound pretty awful. I can’t imagine that’s helping your self-esteem.

It is harder to make friends as an adult than it is when you’re younger and it takes time to build relationships but it can be done. Joining groups for hobbies is generally a good way to do it or looking at groups on Meetup for people that have similar interests to you.

I mean this kindly - do you just talk about your kids?

They are your world, but to other people they are really dull to hear about.

Try to ensure your conversation is varied and ask people to do stuff with you that isn’t centred around your kids.

I apologise for the way that has come across. I honestly think I’ve worded it wrong and haven’t communicated very well.

I never had many friends in school or college and that was simply due to my extreme shyness. I was so shy I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone (although I did have a few friends I just wasn’t someone extreme confident to have a large circle of friends).

also, I believe the complete opposite! I love the idea of being able to do something for yourself, spend time with friends or doing a hobby etc (which is why I’m saying I’m unhappy about not having friends as I’d like to have some I could spend time with). My statement was simply saying the facts that I have purely been a mother 24/7 for 5 years and haven’t had any time to go out or do anything for myself at all which has resulted in me having no friends.

i only included the social media part as it was the only example I had. I have no friends physically that I meet with and the only ones online that I speak to are through my social media so I was just giving an example that even with those ‘social media friends’ they don’t reciprocate the same energy or effort back. The wedding statement was just me thinking about the future and how one day if I get married I wouldn’t have anyone to invite. I was just looking at the little details of my life and realising how lonely I am.

on the other hand, I must say I’m extremely happy to have my dp and children. They are truly my best friends so I don’t want people to think I’m complaining about that. I just wonder if any other mothers are in the same situation?

Not at all! I’m the type of person that people come to vent to. I listen to everyone else talk and barely talk myself.

for example, the one lady at the school that does text me. She send me paragraphs upon paragraphs every day about her day and what she’s been up to etc. I think that’s lovely but most people just talk about themselves with me and when I have 2 young children I really don’t have the time to listen constantly and respond to so many messages.

in general being a mother is all I really have to talk about but I try not to do that too much. It seems I end up listening to everyone else.

I sound very boring I know but I’m really not difficult to have a conversation with! I’m constantly told how sweet and kind I am etc but not sure where I’m going wrong

Your partner sounds something of a dick.

You need a community like park run, a book group, WI, work can also be good. It takes time to make them so pick a hobby you’re interested in so you have a reason to go and can enjoy spending time with people before you make friends.

It’s like dating, you have to put yourself out there.

This. Do you actually like other people, and are you interested in their lives and want to spend time with them? This all sounds a bit tokenistic, like you just want some generic friends to invite to your wedding or party.

I think you need to take some responsibility for not having them, also, if this has been the case through school, university, motherhood, gym situation etc. Anyone can be unlucky in a specific place or situation, but this is more than that. You say you’re ‘anti-social’, but seem puzzled that no one wants to be your friend, because you’re ‘kind and calm’. That just sounds bland. What do you bring to a friendship? What makes you interesting?

If you barely talk yourself that is probably part of the problem. Being a good listener is a great quality in a person and a friend, but you do have to have something about you to attract people - interests, opinions, humour. I think you need to get yourself out in the world and get some interests.

I experienced some of that, they want a one way friendship and won't accept a two way one.

I suspect they don't even know who you are.

You don't have to take a one sided friendship from her.

You need to "branch out" and find a hobby that you enjoy

You go to the gym... so could you join a running club?

I found the same when DC was young. The one person I could engage with, talked about herself relentlessly. Things drastically improved with a new job. I think it's much easier to make those connections when you're doing something. WFH whilst convenient, can be very isolating. Happy birthday on social media is so weird. I don't think it shows who cares about you. Just who happens to be online. If you enjoy posting, carry on. My dsis has loads of friends and very few wished her HB the other day.

You mention instagram/ socials a lot. What do you post? Is it possible that you post a lot (too much) and that it might come across as boastful or fake and put people off. I don’t understand why you’d bother posting in instagram if no one is interested, it sounds like a distraction.

Hi OP, I can relate.

And for all those questioning OP saying parents fight at the school gates, I am so glad that you don’t live in a shithole and don’t have to experience that sort of behaviour!

We moved to a similar sounding place a few years ago and honestly, I was shocked. It was a world away from the leafy, middle class area Is come from. DDs school doesn’t even hold any events any more as the parents couldn’t be trusted, the school has had to be locked down twice in recent years due to parents going in and threatening staff with knives. All the local schools are the same, full of absolute fuckwit parents, smoking weed on the school run who have no idea how to function in society.

Its a horrid thing to day, but waiting in the playground at pick up is like standing on the set of the Jeremy Kyle show.

If you have never experienced having to live in a place like that, count yourselves very lucky.

Op I think a hobby of some sort would help. My friend in a choir but they meet up too. Otherwise there is no outlet from kids at all. Do kids go to parties? Would you meet parents that route. I feel I have few friends but I have to make the changes. Im 50

You are told your are sweet and kind a lot, which is fine, but something about your post is making me wonder if anyone else could ever live up to your ideal of what you want from a friend? I would step away from social media as you seem to monitoring how people respond to you on there which is no way to measure a relationship. If you genuinely want to make friends then you might need to put yourself in uncomfortable social situations and consider the possibility that you aren't necessarily going to meet someone who will hang off your every word. Relationships are about give and take. Good luck OP.

I’m not quite sure what you mean by living up to what I want from a friend. I’m extremely laid back and simple. I’m not saying I want someone to constantly talk to every day and meet every week but I think as general friendship of talking here and there, meeting up here and there even just for a coffee or something simple isn’t too much tj expect from a friend?

Again, with the social media situation I just used that as an example as it’s all I had to use. That I put myself out there on the Peanut app for other local mums and although they would speak and then go out of their way to ask for my social media (as they say it’s easier to communicate through there which I agree) it ends up being a case in which they only talk about themselves or don’t bother making the effort back at all.

I only use Instagram anyway (I don’t have Fb etc) but post here and there on my Instagram stories of whatever I’m up to with the kids etc. I follow a few mom accounts of mothers like me and there’s a large circle of moms on their who use their platform to showcase their motherhood lifestyle and create a friendship group. I am FAR from that person and do not use my social media to that extent.

I know I need to put myself in uncomfortable situations to get myself out there. I work from home which makes it difficult, very busy with young children which makes it difficult too. The only time I really have for anything else is when I go to the gym (which I haven’t really come across anyone I could form a friendship with yet as the time I have to go is quite quiet and everyone is focused on their workout).

A gym probably won't get you friends as you say, they are concentrating on their individual workouts.

As l said earlier, a group activity would be better... like a running club