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Original poster

MiL is a huge let down

45 replies

Tryingtohelp12 · 29/04/2023 12:30

DH loves his mum. Not long after we got together she left his dad for another man. Even though he was an adult he was devastated and torn between protective of his dad (previously not that close) and upset with mum. He got used to it and we have tried to maintain relationship with mil. She acts like she wants to be present in his life, texts regularly, buys/sends presents for our children for no reason etc. but actually getting her to spend time with us? No way. (For context she live about 15min car drive from us and pretty much drives past the end of our road every day to get to work). We haven’t seen her in 4 weeks (we contact every week but are told she is busy). We contacted her yesterday reminding her we are away the next 2 weekends so it would be great is she had any time this weekend, we can go to her etc. she doesn’t want us at her house as she has recently refurbished and for some insane reason brought very expensive plain white sofas and we have 2yo and 4yo so it’s not ideal! She replied to say she’d be over today at some point late morning. We’ve stayed in all morning (which we would never normally do) only for her to text at 11.30 saying she wouldn’t make it as needed to take a clock to the shops for repair and run some errands for her new husbands parents. DH feels like she just doesn’t care. I think it’s a case of differing love languages - she shows love by spending money and giving things and me/ my husband/ my family show love by spending time together. It’s really making DH down but he won’t say anything to her as he doesn’t want to upset her. Should I step in and say something? Mil and I are not super close but I’m prepared to be unpopular if it helps mil realise how DH feels.

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 29/04/2023 12:32

Her choice of sofa is entirely up to her. Perhaps she isn’t that interested or would rather spend time with her new H, again her choice.

blahblahblah1654 · 29/04/2023 12:34

It's not your business really. He sounds quite dependant on his mum. He should speak to her if he's upset.

DucksNewburyport · 29/04/2023 12:35

Poor DH, I can understand that he feels rejected. For his own self esteem I think he should step back from her a bit and stop expecting lots of contact.

MyLifeIsFullOfLemons · 29/04/2023 12:35

Don’t step in. I understand why you want to but I am certain it wouldn’t end well. She’s made her choice, it’s her loss.

Original poster
Tryingtohelp12 · 29/04/2023 12:36

Ouch - maybe that’s the brutal honesty I needed to hear. I can’t imagine losing interest in my children when they are adults and their children but I guess everyone is different. Maybe we are lucky to have my parents /sister/ my grandparents and on my husbands side his dad and aunts are very involved. Can’t win em all

OP posts:
leopardspice · 29/04/2023 12:38

I don't like the comment about the expensive furniture why shouldn't she buy any furniture she likes!!! She's had her child rearing days behind her I personally can't wait for crisp white furniture and lots of glass... anyway

In all honesty I think her priorities have changed and although she loves you/your dh/dc she's focusing this side of her love on her new dh

Azandme · 29/04/2023 12:40

She works five days a week, so only has weekends to do "life stuff", has a husband, has in laws who need a level of support, and has recently completed a refurbishment project.

Yet she keeps in regular contact, buys gifts and takes an interest...

She sounds like an insanely busy woman with a lot going on - who still takes the time to show she is thinking about you all.

Four weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. I really think your DH needs to appreciate that his mum is more than just that. She's also a wife, a dil to people who need her running errands, and an employee.

pantjog · 29/04/2023 12:41

It really helped me when I realised that my in-laws were peer-oriented rather than family oriented.

Azandme · 29/04/2023 12:44

Also your title is quite telling. "...a huge letdown..." Seriously? Because she's busy, you haven't seen her for four weeks and only texts regularly and sends gifts?!

Wow.

GretaGood · 29/04/2023 12:53

Is it only 4weeks?? pp says this

SchoolTripDrama · 29/04/2023 12:54

@Tryingtohelp12 I disagree with the virtue signallers above, her treatment of her own son is APPALLING not to mention of her grandchildren. I'd be saying something about how she's put her new in laws above her own son & grandchildren. What if your eldest was looking forward to seeing Grandma? Disgusting

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 29/04/2023 12:54

Azandme · 29/04/2023 12:44

Also your title is quite telling. "...a huge letdown..." Seriously? Because she's busy, you haven't seen her for four weeks and only texts regularly and sends gifts?!

Wow.

Literally. I must be missing something here

SpeckledlyHen · 29/04/2023 12:58

Azandme · 29/04/2023 12:40

She works five days a week, so only has weekends to do "life stuff", has a husband, has in laws who need a level of support, and has recently completed a refurbishment project.

Yet she keeps in regular contact, buys gifts and takes an interest...

She sounds like an insanely busy woman with a lot going on - who still takes the time to show she is thinking about you all.

Four weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. I really think your DH needs to appreciate that his mum is more than just that. She's also a wife, a dil to people who need her running errands, and an employee.

Agree with this

bussteward · 29/04/2023 13:00

She can buy whatever sofas she wants for her own house, where your children do not live. Do you really expect someone to shape their life around having small children when they don’t have them?

It sounds like she has a life and sees you as much as she cares to – you’re only away a couple of weekends, not permanently. Perhaps she feels stifled by the expectations you have?

Londontoderby · 29/04/2023 13:05

She’s raised kids for the last 20 years and is now free to actually do things she wants to. Can’t believe you’re upset that she finally gets to live her life for her, when she has dedicated years to your son already. She has her own life too.

Thesharkradar · 29/04/2023 13:05

she shows love by spending money and giving things
Giving you money is a way to keep you sweet and keep in your good books whilst at the same time not having to give up any of her time or be inconvenienced by you.

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 29/04/2023 13:07

WTF? The woman works full time, texts, buys gifts and it's still not good enough? If your husband wants to demand more attention from his mother he's free to tell her himself.

Gymmum82 · 29/04/2023 13:08

I can’t imagine wanting to see my MIL that frequently. Or indeed my own family. Once every few months is plenty. She works full time by the sounds of it and wants weekends to do her own thing. Let her contact you for visits. I don’t know why your husband is so dependant on seeing his mum

QueenSmartypants · 29/04/2023 13:09

How long ago did she leave her husband?

From your post things seem to have changed around then so I wonder if there are complicated, unresolved feelings that are keeping her at a distance. Maybe shame or fears of being judged? Worry about how your dh and her new partner get on?

Maybe the issue is with her new partner and not your son?

Londontoderby · 29/04/2023 13:09

Op, do your parents/sister grandparents not work full time?

Original poster
Tryingtohelp12 · 29/04/2023 13:34

Thesharkradar · 29/04/2023 13:05

she shows love by spending money and giving things
Giving you money is a way to keep you sweet and keep in your good books whilst at the same time not having to give up any of her time or be inconvenienced by you.

I think this is where my head naturally is - as her approach is just so alien to me. But with so many commenters saying our expectations are too high I think it’s worth us reflecting on.

my parents and FIL are both retired- but very busy with childcare commitments for nieces and nephews and multiple hobbies and volunteering, sister, me and DH all work full time so it doesn’t really matter that they’re retired as we only see them evening/ weekends around our working patterns. I know for some families this would be too much but DH and I were both raised seeing our grandparents a lot and as we are so physically close kinda expect the same.. DH was especially close to his nan and I think felt his mum would play that role for our children. I guess in the same way that for some people weekly contact is way too much /hard to imagine I feel the exact same way about only seeing family every few months / special occasions - the idea feels crazy to me! We see my parents / father in law usually twice a week, sister most weeks. My Nan and grandma probably every 2-3 weeks. Friends 3 weeks ish. Honestly I would see them all more if we could fit it in. I guess it shows that my love language is spending time with people. I’m just not bothered about stuff. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
CovertImage · 29/04/2023 13:35

SchoolTripDrama · 29/04/2023 12:54

@Tryingtohelp12 I disagree with the virtue signallers above, her treatment of her own son is APPALLING not to mention of her grandchildren. I'd be saying something about how she's put her new in laws above her own son & grandchildren. What if your eldest was looking forward to seeing Grandma? Disgusting

I don't think you know what virtue signallers means

Gymnopedie · 29/04/2023 13:35

OP it's not your MIL you need to be talking to, it's your DH. Your issue with not seeing her doesn't seem to be for yourself but for him. You need to help him come to terms with who she is, not who he'd like her to be.

Given that she lives so close I don't think it's unreasonable to think she could pop in for five minutes occasionally (I wouldn't expect long visits) but...

Even though he was an adult he was devastated and torn between protective of his dad (previously not that close) and upset with mum.

Any chance she felt that DH took his father's side in the split, so although maybe she still loves him she doesn't feel like being with him very much?

LadyWhineglass · 29/04/2023 13:40

We see my parents / father in law usually twice a week, sister most weeks. My Nan and grandma probably every 2-3 weeks.

My worst nightmare. I’d rather have the money, thanks.

TrueScrumptious · 29/04/2023 13:44

We see my parents / father in law usually twice a week, sister most weeks. My Nan and grandma probably every 2-3 weeks.

I think that’s weirdly enmeshed.