MiL is a huge let down

[Tryingtohelp12]

DH loves his mum. Not long after we got together she left his dad for another man. Even though he was an adult he was devastated and torn between protective of his dad (previously not that close) and upset with mum. He got used to it and we have tried to maintain relationship with mil. She acts like she wants to be present in his life, texts regularly, buys/sends presents for our children for no reason etc. but actually getting her to spend time with us? No way. (For context she live about 15min car drive from us and pretty much drives past the end of our road every day to get to work). We haven’t seen her in 4 weeks (we contact every week but are told she is busy). We contacted her yesterday reminding her we are away the next 2 weekends so it would be great is she had any time this weekend, we can go to her etc. she doesn’t want us at her house as she has recently refurbished and for some insane reason brought very expensive plain white sofas and we have 2yo and 4yo so it’s not ideal! She replied to say she’d be over today at some point late morning. We’ve stayed in all morning (which we would never normally do) only for her to text at 11.30 saying she wouldn’t make it as needed to take a clock to the shops for repair and run some errands for her new husbands parents. DH feels like she just doesn’t care. I think it’s a case of differing love languages - she shows love by spending money and giving things and me/ my husband/ my family show love by spending time together. It’s really making DH down but he won’t say anything to her as he doesn’t want to upset her. Should I step in and say something? Mil and I are not super close but I’m prepared to be unpopular if it helps mil realise how DH feels.

Hahaha. Love the honesty. I know it wouldn’t work for a lot of people.

Im going to try and lower my expectations for my mother in law and let her decide how close/ present she wants to be in our lives. Thanks for the honesty and varying feedback mumsnetters

She sounds quite self absorbed

Shame about the white sofas but she could put throws or covers on if she's worried

I personally would never buy white sofas, they're sure to show the dirt regardless of dc😀

Cancelling her visit was a bit rude but overall I think you need to lower your expectations, she works full time and seems to have other care commitments as well.
The comment about her sofa was not appropriate.

I dunno I think I’m kind of on her side. Life is short she’s lost her maternal hormones she’s done her mothering phase her priorities are elsewhere now. Lower your expectations and mirror how she is to you. Agree I shuddered at the frequency of seeing all the other relatives.

@CovertImage I know precisely what virtue signalling means thank you very much!

If she only lives 15 mins away why doesn't your dh just pop in to see her whenever?

On the money. Why is it only women with small children who are allowed to have busy lives?

If it’s really upsetting her son, why doesn’t he just go and see her by himself - and refrain from sitting on her lovely white sofas?

It isn't her loss. Why would you say that? If she felt the loss she would do differently. She is doing what makes her happy.

See, for me my life is my children. Not my entire life of course, but they are the biggest part about it that makes me the happiest. Otherwise i wouldnt have had them.
Luckily my parents are the same and they are very involved in my life. I cant imagine doing this to my son and I think he has every right to be disappointed.
It would feel like bringing him up was the worst ever chore and now shes finally free of him.. Im sorry she is treating your DH so badly.

I feel very sorry for your DH but I not sure there’s anything you can do to help.

My MIL had a very odd attitude to DH (who is an only child) and was totally wrapped up with FIL. Sometimes she was downright hurtful and even cruel.

She sounds like a crap grandmother to me. Of course she has every right to do what she wants, but I’d be disappointed if she was my mother. Hopefully she won’t expect you and your DH to step up if she needs care when she’s older, as you’ll be too busy shopping or whatever.

Some people realise after having children they don't actually like being a parent but they do their duty and raise them to adulthood and then try to live a life that makes them happy.
It is unfortunate but I don't think it's fair to penalise someone who makes different life choices.

"Love languages" is a pile of old shite.

Any human who repeatedly does things that hurt another person, or refuses to do simple things that would make another person happy, does not love or care about that person.

Your DH is right. Don't let psychobabble shite prevent you from fully validating his feelings.

She's working. She's busy. She has a life. Why are you putting so much pressure on her? 4 weeks really isn't very long and it would be perfectly normal to have a gap of a few weeks/months between visits.

Being a mum isnt just some job you retire from though.
Im midthirties and i still rely on my parents a lot. I often ask their advice or discuss issues with them. I even do that with my grandma! I visit my grandma several times a week and she she is always there for me and me for her too. Same with my parents.
DHs parents live overseas, but when we lived close to them before we would also see them all the time.
Its one of the best things in life to have good and close relationships with your family and OPs MIL is taking this away from them.

Of course she can decide for herself what kind of contact she wishes, still feels shit when you realise youre not as important to your mother as she is for you.

If you only live 15 minutes away, why can't your husband go and see her? Presumably he can be trusted on her white sofas? Why should she have to come and see him?

I think it's up to her and your dh to deal with, not your place to say things. If you and your mil isn't close anyway, and get into worse relationship, that will drive them apart even more.

She cares, that's why she sends presents, obviously thinking about your family. But she is busy, and meeting your family isn't a priority. I think there's nothing wrong with that.

@Tryingtohelp12 in the nicest possible way - you and your family sound suffocating and quite needy.

Also, stop judging your MIL. You don't sound very nice or very fair.

I really recommend focusing on yourself instead of her. You need to gain some self awareness. You sound so caught up in jealousy and judgmental behaviour - you've lost sight of the fact you're a role model to your own children who watch and listen. Even if you don't think they notice - they do.

Of course once you are a mum you are one for life but parenting and the intensity of it needed at different stages changes throughout, undoubtedly it alters significantly when the child becomes an adult and leaves home.
MIL in this post is still working full time, perhaps after dedicating 18yrs to her son she has different priorities like building up her pension and enjoying life without a n adolescent dependant to consider.

I think it's unfair to place expectations on your parents that suit your ideals when they're not deliberately mean and have already raised you.

It's essentially conditional love.

Time is something we don't have as much of as we think and time trumps gifts and a phone call. It may take effort but when you love someone you make time even if it's just an hour for a cup of tea. Of course everyone is entitled to a life and it sounds like she's living hers but it sounds like her son would prefer her presence rather than his love being bought.

I'd be asking my dh why he feels he can't talk to his mum, it's really up to him to bring it up. It doesn't mean confrontation, I believe you can say you miss someone without making them feel guilty or without drama. If he isn't prepared to say anything I definitely wouldn't be stepping in.