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Original poster

Why can't/don't I prioritise myself?

30 replies

whatausername · 25/04/2023 20:22

Is there something wrong with me?

This is a very open question I know, but I suppose I'd like to hear others' thoughts or even their own experiences without me introducing biases or distractions. Although I am a little prepared to be flamed for such scant detail...

OP posts:
Youheshetheysaid · 25/04/2023 20:23

No idea 🤷‍♀️

Moredarkchocolateplease · 25/04/2023 20:27

I prioritise myself.

I nap at the weekend, I just did a bedtime yoga practice, I ignore housework if I'm knackered and I always make time to wash and keep myself clean and tidy.

Is that the sort of thing you mean?

I can only imagine you might be a bit depressed if you don't do any of that.

TomatoSandwiches · 25/04/2023 20:27

Context?

Londontoderby · 25/04/2023 20:29

I don’t either and haven’t done for years. I snapped not long ago and promised myself I would start to prioritise me. When it came down to it though, I kind of didn’t know how!

Original poster
whatausername · 25/04/2023 20:38

TomatoSandwiches · 25/04/2023 20:27

Context?

I put off things that would increase my comfort or would make my life simpler to do the most unimportant stuff. Like chores, or reply to emails or messages, or to do even small things for others. Why can't I put me first and say I'll do the other stuff if I've time/energy.

I can't figure out if I'm a people pleaser, don't see my worth as equalling others, if I'm desperate to be liked or not whined at...i don't know.

OP posts:
RunnyPaint · 25/04/2023 21:23

Deep-seated fear of failure can lead to procrastination. Does that make any sense for you?

B1rd · 25/04/2023 22:18

What things would help your comfort?
You are being very vague.

Spinningscrewdrivers · 25/04/2023 22:23

I am the exact same… always bottom of the priority list and don’t know how to change.

Eyesopenwideawake · 25/04/2023 22:27

Because you probably witnessed your mother doing the same thing and it became ingrained in your mind. Try baby steps in negating that routine - take that little bit of time for yourself and notice that the world doesn't stop revolving.

TobiasForgesContactLense · 25/04/2023 22:29

Why do you not think you are worth prioritising?

LazJaz · 25/04/2023 22:30

I struggle with this too
per @Eyesopenwideawake i learned this by observing my mother - putting yourself last is part of the image I have of being a mother and a good daughter. This not not a healthy image but hard to shake. Recognizing through therapy hasn’t really helped me change the behavior yet.

plus I’m just bloody knackered all the time and prioritizing myself is hard work!

UWhatNow · 25/04/2023 22:31

You have low self worth.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 25/04/2023 22:40

Following. I can relate. Decades of subtle training are very hard to unwind.

LauderSyme · 25/04/2023 22:51

Possibly because your needs were not validated as being important during childhood? I don't mean you were neglected necessarily, it can be much more subtle than that, as PP said. I too can relate.

Catsmere · 26/04/2023 06:33

Sounds like female socialisation to me.

Oblomov23 · 26/04/2023 06:50

Low self worth?
I don't have this problem, never have, ever.

Divebar2021 · 26/04/2023 06:57

Yeah I don’t understand this either. Do you have holidays which are all child centric / based on the needs of your partner or do you get to do what you want to do at some point? My family is a team and sometimes we do things the other team members wouldn’t choose. DH and I have time to do our own hobbies / interests too…. In fact I’m a bit more likely to have events away from the family than he is.

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 07:34

Whenever I see “I am a people pleaser”

I think

“you are a martyr and no doubt go around with a constant cats bum expression at the perceived injustice of your life”

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 07:34

Similar to

“I tell it like it is”

you are rude and bitchy

Squiblet · 26/04/2023 07:40

If you started to consider your own happiness, you would have to consider your UNhappiness, too, which hurts ... it's easier to trudge along thinking about other people than it is to admit you've let your own life go to shit

onepieceoflollipop · 26/04/2023 07:47

You are being very vague.

in my case I find sometimes I neglect my own needs for some of the following reasons:
being in the habit of putting the dc first (even though now they are older it’s not needed) - that is mixed up in my self worth of being a ‘good mum’
sometimes this is mixed up with anger towards dh who is very selfish and could never be accused of not prioritising himself.
so for example if I decide to put myself first and get in the bathroom for a long shower, he may well already be in there as in his eyes his needs are more important. He wouldn’t dream of waiting for a few minutes. When he wants the toilet/shower/drink he immediately accesses it regardless of anyone else.

I am gradually challenging this in big and small ways. For example when dishing up the dinner I will ask the family to wait until we have all sat down. Otherwise by the time everyone has demanded drinks, mayo etc, they have finished and my untouched meal is cold and I am left alone as they leave…
When shopping I now make sure my own requests on the online order are prioritised the same as everyone else’s.

Youheshetheysaid · 26/04/2023 07:52

@onepieceoflollipop

sometimes this is mixed up with anger towards dh who is very selfish and could never be accused of not prioritising himself.
so for example if I decide to put myself first and get in the bathroom for a long shower, he may well already be in there as in his eyes his needs are more important. He wouldn’t dream of waiting for a few minutes. When he wants the toilet/shower/drink he immediately accesses it regardless of anyone else.

your husband sounds profoundly unpleasant. How do you live with this?

single parent. My children’s needs to before mine and always will. 🤷‍♀️ I’m ok with that.

but no other person’s needs go before my own and sure as heck not a selfish twat of a man like this one

Greatly · 26/04/2023 07:54

whatausername · 25/04/2023 20:38

I put off things that would increase my comfort or would make my life simpler to do the most unimportant stuff. Like chores, or reply to emails or messages, or to do even small things for others. Why can't I put me first and say I'll do the other stuff if I've time/energy.

I can't figure out if I'm a people pleaser, don't see my worth as equalling others, if I'm desperate to be liked or not whined at...i don't know.

Show quote history

None of those examples are about putting yourself first? If you are putting off simple tasks maybe you just spend too much time in your phone.

Greatly · 26/04/2023 07:55

Sorry - I read that completely wrong. Ignore that post.

What would you LIKE to be doing?

RenoDakota · 26/04/2023 08:01

Get to the age of 60 like me, OP, and you won't give a flying shit about pleasing other people all the time. It is very freeing.
I just wish it hadn't taken me so long.