Why can't/don't I prioritise myself?

[whatausername]

Is there something wrong with me?

This is a very open question I know, but I suppose I'd like to hear others' thoughts or even their own experiences without me introducing biases or distractions. Although I am a little prepared to be flamed for such scant detail...

I remember my GP about twenty years ago telling me 'women are really bad at putting themselves first'!

I am used to looking after everyone else first and then me. So things like writing a letter to a friend have been ignored in favour of chores and work. Taking time off work or even finishing on time to go home and just relax. Making the appointments for medical checks gets long fingered when other things are "more important" and I just ignore the pain in my back, neck, hips etc. Getting a facial or similar instead of listening to the moans of family about things I can do nothi by about or just getting downright abuse from them....

I used to have a deal with myself to get a facial or massage as a treat to myself at least once a month. That was already getting patchy as I was so busy but disappeared altogether during Covid. I have paid for yoga classes and only made 1 of a term of 10 (and I like yoga and the class group as well!).

I don't want to be a martyr but I seem to be becoming one.

I think putting children's needs first is fine. But at some point you have to recognise that their (and dh's) wants are not more important than your own. And that your needs are certainly as much of a priority as your partner's/parents/friends etc.

Huge generalisation but men go through life doing what they want, when they want, but women often have a baby or small child hanging off us, who needs feeding or looking after and we get out of the habit of just being ourselves. We are often thinking 3 stages ahead because that's what we have to do in order to care for our children. And we tend to care about things that men give no thought to. An example being that I've got someone coming this morning to do some work in the house - I've made sure that everyone is warmed in advance, had breakfast, sorted out the cats and generally prepped the house. Dh hasn't given any of that a thought - just gone up to work. If I left them all to their own devices, dh or ads would be trying to have a shower while the plumber needs to turn water supply off, or they'd be mooching around the kitchen getting in the way! I tend to think of what needs to be done in order to minimise disruption.

But I do make sure I go to the doctor when needed, and I buy things I want now, instead of putting it off.
I still need to work on not dealing with my kids eleventy billion texts while I'm out with friends or trying to shop.

I can be like this. I won’t buy myself things that I can afford even though I want them. I have to need them before I can allow myself to buy them. Obviously I’m not like this all the time, but it’s more often than not.

When I am at home, I feel I have to get chores done before I can allow myself to do me stuff I want to do, eg read a book, hobby.

it’s crazy when I write it down like that. I have separated from my husband and now live alone, so I am getting better. But my head is full of these sorts of rules of shoulds and oughts.

i have been seeing a very good therapist for the last year. Part of it is growing up in poverty with a narcissistic mother, so I had low self esteem. Then I have had a very long marriage with a similar controlling and manipulatively selfish man. I had no problem putting my child first and will continue to do that.

Im also over 60 and age and menopause made me more selfish, hence my divorce.

But underneath all that I think it’s just the way my brain is wired. I’m not what I would call a people pleaser. I don’t do things so people will think well of me.

This is going to sound braggy and pompous, but deep inside of me I want to do something good in this world. The person I most admire in the world is the woman who set up Animals Asia, it’s a charity that saves moon bears from bile farming. She was just travelling and was in china, saw this awful situation and just stayed.

If I had my time over again that is the sort of thing I would like to do. I don’t want riches or fame. I do want enough money to live reasonably comfortably on. My only regret in my life is that I haven’t followed through on this, I could have done a lot more but I let my inertia and lack of confidence take over.

Once my divorce is over and I can move I want to start living meaningfully for myself. My thought at the moment is to get involved with an animal charity or after reading so many sad stories on mumsnet, get involved with a woman’s aid charity.

I have written in full because when I was younger I couldn’t work out why I was like it either. I was more materialistic when I was younger so my goody goody tendencies were more hidden, but now I am older and with therapy I can see this now.

Sorry that was so long.

Who are you waiting for to give you permission OP? How do you want to live your life? Writing vague posts about how no one else respects you or honours your boundaries or just living and doing it? The choice is yours. Therapy gave me absolute clarity about where the choice is if you are still not sure where to start. Yes we women have been mainly programmed to be doormats and people pleasers, but it doesn't mean that all women are. There is huge strength in that for me.