So bored, I actually hate my life

[Pralineandcoffee]

This is going to be long.
I'm 45, with 3 children. I left UK 22 years ago. I met my dh, had kids.
We live rurally, shit transport links, 3 miles to nearest shop. I'm not working, 2 kids in primary school, 1 in secondary school. They are always on school holidays, secondary school finish 28th May, primary 22nd June until September. There are no afterschool or breakfast clubs near me and I'm unskilled so even if I had a childminder it wouldn't be worth my while working.
I'm just so bored, I hate it here. I've got no friends, no hobbies, no life!
I need a job, I need money . I feel like my life is passing me by. My dh loves it here, this is where he grew up. The kids like it too.
I just want to have a normal life, I checked jobs in my area today, 15 jobs ina 50km radius of my house and I'm not qualified for any of them.

Ah sorry op that sounds hard, is studying (remotely) an option?

And perhaps a compromise on where you live, could you live in the same area but perhaps less rurally??

Could you do some remote learning? A university course or a skill that could translate into remote working

Can you compromise by learning to drive and getting a car to enable you to be able to go and join a class or volunteer or have some semblance of a life via an expat community?

Is language an issue? Could you learn? What about a wfh job - although it sounds as though you need interaction. Any social groups? Sorry sounds very tough.

Op did you move to Ireland and then meet your Dh there?

What brought you there in the first place?

Get qualified.

Loads of opportunities in Ireland to qualify as a mature student.

Yes I moved here with my parents and then met dh here. I had enough of where i was living but didn't think I'd stay here forever.
I'd like to go back as a mature student but I haven't got much money. Dh is in an OK job, I dont qualify for any benefits so it would all be self funded and I don't have any!

Remote learning is something I've looked at but it's so expensive and to be honest I'm not sure what jobs I could do remotely

Loads of options to train online and then do remote work.

Loads of options to volunteer remotely and I suspect optiona locally too, if you can make a cup of tea.

You and your DH are a team, if there a chargeable courses this is a family investment in your future.

OP - how about just doing a free course on Open Learn - get your mind working, get inspired, get thinking - the good thing is that you know you NEED to make some changes so start to see what small things you can do. If you don't do anything then you will be in the same space in a years time (which I can tell from your post would not be good for you mentally) - so try and make small changes that can lead to work / friends / something to give you greater meaning

https://www.open.edu/openlearn/free-courses

That does sound boring!
I was in a similar (but not as bad) situation about 10 years ago and I started studying. I already had a degree but started doing online courses (free ones with the OU and with Coursera and paid ones, which I had as birthday presents). I also agitated for moving back to London, which we did eventually. I got a job, decided that was not for me either and ended up going to study for a master's degree. I now teach that subject at university level and just came on Mumsnet because I'm bored of marking essays - thanks for the reminder that I'm lucky to be doing this!!
My suggestions for you:

1. Go out. Go to anything that's on and make friends, enemies, acquaintances
2. Try a few free courses in anything that appeals
3. Think about what kind of other fundamental changes might help you. Could be moving, learning to drive, getting some childcare swaps in place etc.

Good luck! Change is possible x

One job you can do remotely is ESL teaching, if your grammar is up to it? If not, you can always study a bit, or get a good grammar book, then do a TEFL course. You're not going to be rich, but it will give you a bit of money of your own and can be done online.

Are you in rural Ireland, OP? (The long school holidays caught my eye!) It sounds to me as if you need to start putting yourself front and centre, if you've been a SAHM for years and years and facilitating your husband's job and your children's lives -- honestly, the mentality of putting yourself last and just grinding on for the sake of other people is why I think being a SAHM (in particular, rather than a SAHP in general) is so damaging to many.

What kind of life would you like? What kind of job would interest you, and which would require qualifications you are interested in acquiring? If your DH is in an 'OK' job, then he's in it in part because of your giant sacrifices down the years time to invest in you, surely. Likewise to needing a childminder the childminder is a joint expense, out of both your and your DH's salaries, and well worth it, if the purpose is making you not hate your existence. Plus, obviously, the children will eventually grow up.

But actually, you sound (possibly) depressed, and there's clearly something more going on here than 'I'd like to get back into the workplace' -- you say you have no friends where you live. I get that it's very rural, but if you've lived there so long and not made at least some friends, and developed some stuff going on locally outside of your family that interests you, it sounds to me as if there's more to this? Is your marriage OK?

Or do you just want to leave where you live, and feel trapped because everyone else is delighted with it?

Ff

Rural living suits some people but it's definitely not for everyone, I personally couldn't do it. I'm also living in Ireland but in a city, rural Ireland and urban Ireland are worlds apart. Is there any possibility at all of moving house, even just to the closest big town. 3 miles to the nearest shop is quite isolated.

It's a shame you don't qualify for BTEA, it's really a fantastic scheme for removing the financial hurdles of getting back to college as a mature student.

That sounds like Ireland! You didn't even have to say the country and I knew it was Ireland.

I also live in Ireland.

I agree with the poster who said go out and do whatever’s going on (sports clubs, volunteering etc.) whether you like the sound of it or not. The worst is staying at home if you’re not happy with that. Then if you meet people hopefully that will lead to meeting other people and doing other things. It could even lead to a job somehow - word of mouth and all that.

If you can’t drive / don’t have a car that’s probably the first thing to tackle tbh. There are places where you really are stuck without a car and it makes everything a million times harder if you don’t have one.

I’m coming at this from the perspective of someone who moved from a large UK city to rural France nearly 20 years ago and it’s not easy. I have made friends but it sometimes feels like almost everyone else is one big family (literally!) and I’ll never be part of that - I don’t know if rural Ireland is similar?

It is so much harder to live in Ireland and be accepted, if you're not Irish .

I'm the same as you OP. I was born in England and I lived in England till I was 8 . My Irish mother moved back to Ireland with me when I was 8.

We are both adults now. My mother (she is fully irish) has loads of friends in Ireland.

I'm in my thirties now. I found Ireland to be a struggle all the time. I don't have many friends. I feel I was always looked down on in Ireland at every stage of my life for being English. I was never accepted in Ireland. If I go to a group even now, the other women dont really accept me because I am English.

Why do I still live here? I think I'm too nervous to move anywhere else by myself.

But life in Ireland is definitely very hard if you're not Irish.

I grew up in rural Scotland and when we hit teens we found it so boring as miles from anywhere / no buses, left as soon as possible to go to university and escape.

Maybe as your DC grow up there might be the opportunity to move nearby but to a town perhaps?

But rural Ireland is very very clicky.

In my experience they don't like people from the next village, let alone people from another country.

OP how do you and DH split finances? You say he has an OK job but it sounds like you have little access to money?

@Mooshamoo yes I'm in Ireland!
No offence to anyone Irish, obviously my dh is but I just don't feel like I fit in.
I hate village community events, I always feel that they don't like me.
My dh is lovely, he said he would give up work and I could work full time if that's what I want. He often tells me it's our money not his money and is very supportive.
Unfortunately moving is not an option, we live in his family home which his parents let us live in rent free, they don't live with us, so we would t be able to afford rent or a mortgage at the moment

@Mooshamoo yes it's very very clicky here, unlike anywhere I've ever been actually. The school pick up can be a nightmare!