So bored, I actually hate my life

[Pralineandcoffee]

This is going to be long.
I'm 45, with 3 children. I left UK 22 years ago. I met my dh, had kids.
We live rurally, shit transport links, 3 miles to nearest shop. I'm not working, 2 kids in primary school, 1 in secondary school. They are always on school holidays, secondary school finish 28th May, primary 22nd June until September. There are no afterschool or breakfast clubs near me and I'm unskilled so even if I had a childminder it wouldn't be worth my while working.
I'm just so bored, I hate it here. I've got no friends, no hobbies, no life!
I need a job, I need money . I feel like my life is passing me by. My dh loves it here, this is where he grew up. The kids like it too.
I just want to have a normal life, I checked jobs in my area today, 15 jobs ina 50km radius of my house and I'm not qualified for any of them.

I think it maybe a more rural v city thing than an Irish v English thing. People seem to have grown up together, know everyone and just not open to newcomers. However I haven't lived in rural England only London so maybe its the same there.
I'm going to look closer at remote working and courses. The kids won't be small forever so I really should be using this time to get some qualifications or at least an interest in something

Nah. I'm not in a city. My kids go to a school that has over 50 countries represented amongst the parents. There are people from all over the world and people have friends from all over. I don't know anyone who has only Irish friends.

I've one very good friend here in my town in Ireland. He also is English and moved back to Ireland when he was about 18. One Irish parent. One English parent.

I just rang him there and asked him did he have any anti English experiences in Ireland.

He said yes, in college in Ireland he was called an English prick all the time.

In his adult life he has been called an English wanker, and to fuck off back home loads of times. He said one man said to him that "the English are all pricks".

But to say there is no racism or abuse to foreigners at all in Ireland is totally unrealistic

I didn't say that, and we're talking about people making friends, not racist abuse at strangers (which I and many others found far worse in the UK)

I do also have a relatively recently arrived English friend who is crippled by self-consciousness about her accent, and I noticed recently while staying with her that she's clearly dealing with it by not engaging with people at all, which of course means she's not coming across as the friendly, clever person I know with strangers, and is probably coding as aloof.

I know she's had a couple of mildly unfriendly comments that rattled her (some drunk in a pub in Ennistymon, a man at a bus stop), but I spent years dealing with that stuff in England too (IRA comments, jibes about my 'brogue', likely priest-ridden superstitiousness, fecklessness, stupidity etc) but if I had allowed that to colour my impression of all English people, I would have spent very many years as a recluse.

Op online courses and remote work does sound good for you.

I also joined an expats meetup group in Ireland. People who have moved to Ireland can be a bit more welcoming

@mooshamoo Your experiences are unfortunate but you do seem to have a massive chip on your shoulder.

Of course he did. But so did/do we all, as Irish people living in England. You remind yourself it's a tiny minority of unpleasant people, and in fact nothing to do with you, and move on with your life, rather than turning it into a reason for not engaging at all. Otherwise you would never set foot outside your house.

This is reminding me of a colleague (at an English university, no less) who liked to describe anything wrongly done or disorganised as 'a bit Irish', and feigned disbelief every time it came up that I only had one child, because apparently the Pope didn't like me using contraceptives. (This man was also at the front of the queue when it came to applying for an Irish passport via his grandparent after Brexit.) Or the regular at the bus stop on my route home who on three or four separate occasions would point across at an army recruitment centre across the street and say 'You must be proud of your lot' (IRA bomb there when I was still at school).

Microaggressions are not fun, and you need to remind yourself that it's not you, it's them, and it's not everyone, and not even most of them.

That's really sad. I have also become shy, quiet and reclusive after living in Ireland. I think when you get abuse said to you a good few times, it makes you afraid to open your mouth.

I remember one particularly awful moment. I walked into a bar with my friend in small town Ireland. We were sitting at the bar. Two old men were sitting next to us at the bar. One of them was saying that he hated all the English, that they were all cunts who didn't deserve to live etc etc.

My friend said "hey don't say that it's not nice. And not true. My friend here mooshamoo is English".

Instantly the man turned on me. I had been working in youth work at the time. Me and my friend were talking about youth work at the bar. And the old man had heard me say that I was working with children

He turned to me and said

"who the fuck let a dirty English cunt like you be around our children. A dirty English bitch like you shouldn't be let fucking near our children"

That just one example of many that I've experienced in Ireland. . But that was one the nastiest.

Yes it is a good way to think about it. To try to not let these people get to you.

GCSE Maths and English online were free this year. X Try your local council's website.

There are some good remote jobs in Ireland. Admin and customer service.

@Mooshamoo, I do really sympathise. I couldn't even list the stuff I had said to me in England down the many years I lived there, and it would be depressing to even try -- it ranged from Oxford high tables to stuff students said on anonymous questionnaires to friends' parents (who thought I was doing well to manage a knife and fork at a dinner party), a random attack from a woman waiting in front of me in a queue to get into Midnight Mass at Westminster Abbey to someone in a writing workshop at a fairly well-known literary festival.

And I do get the feeling of wanting to protect yourself, or, if you've just had a nasty encounter, walking into a social gathering wondering 'Am I going to have a nice evening, or is it going to happen again when I'm least expecting it, from one of these pleasant-looking people?'

But I couldn't let that constrict my life, or make me regard everyone with suspicion. Though it did contribute to my decision to leave England in the end.

We don't have GCSE's in Ireland.

What about the Back To Education Grant op?

Would you qualify?

https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/socialwelfare/sociallwelfarepayments/backktoeducation/backktoeducationnallowance.html#lc31b9

Hope this link works

You know how to run a house, cook, clean, shop, do laundry, look after children and adults, speak English, read and write. You're qualified and experienced.

Every one of those is a marketable skill that someone will pay for.

Instead of looking at job vacancies you arent qualified for, start advertising yourself and marketing your skills.

What about starting a childminding business? Though I don’t know anything about the process in Ireland.
I worked for years as a Nanny and now I have my own kids I’m a childminder and will return to being a nanny when my kids are older and at school.

You can work very flexibly as a childminder - either have EYFS stage all day, do wraparound care exclusively or with EYFS or do holiday clubs in the school holidays. Also can make money babysitting etc without having to leave your village.

Also means your running your own business - might get you out of your rut.

That's excellent advice. Set yourself up as a childminder and you'll be an invaluable local resource. It's a great way of making friends too.

A good childminder in a rural area is like gold dust

I would look into Springboard+ courses which can be as much as 90% funded.

I would also suggest you look at getting yourself some seed capital as a fund to keep going if you do embark on a longer course. Eg taking in a home stay student over the summer; there are often agencies seeking to place adult learners.

would you look at doing a house swap over the summer to break up the long holidays, and to get a change of scenery?

OP Springboard courses may be running in a college near to you.

https://www.mtu.ie/study/springboard/

The springboard website has been taken down.

Childminder is actually a good idea.
I'm waiting for a job vacancy to appear but maybe I need to make one. Unfortunately I'm not very crafty or have many skills but childcare is possible 🤔

Just to update I have an interview next week in a school as a support worker! I'm really nervous and will need to do alot of research, I haven't even done an interview in 15 years.😬

Well done OP, good luck !