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Original poster

Who can I talk to about midlife/existential crisis?

32 replies

SilkieChick · 24/04/2023 17:20

I feel like I'm struggling with a number of different things at the moment, but don't know where to turn for advice. I'm 45, grappling with perimenopause which is bringing with it a few mental issues like low mood, lack of confidence, mild anxiety - I feel at times like I'm having a bit of a midlife crisis, not sure if I'm in the right job, needing to vent about family/relationship things… but I can't do this with DH (mainly because he's the one I need to vent about, not to!), my parents are helpful to a point, but not very subjective, and I have no close friends to confide in, in fact I feel quite lonely in that respect - another of the issues I'm currently struggling with.

Alongside all of that - and this really could be the midlife crisis talking - I just don't know if I'm doing what I should be doing in my work life. I started a new job about 9 months ago and elements of it are great, but also I'm having days where I just feel so unmotivated and disengaged. There are so many positives, it's well paid and fairly secure, with a great company… and yet I find myself wishing I could down tools and be outside, like I'm wishing I could retire already, and use my time to read or garden or travel or write - but I'm years off any of that! Maybe I should be looking into working for myself or doing something I'm really, truly passionate about. Part of me wants the freedom and the adventure, part of me is too deeply risk averse and fears major loss of income…

I just wish I could talk it all through with someone who could help me untangle all of this and figure out what to do next. Do I need a life coach? A therapist? Or just a friend to talk to on a regular basis? The answer to the latter question is definitely yes, but I kind of need to talk all of this through now, before my brain explodes! I need someone to look objectively at my life and help me figure out what's wrong, what's right, what to do next. I feel like I'm ruminating a lot, these thoughts go round in my head without resolving. I know I'm also bottling up some negative thoughts and resentments and that's not healthy at all.

The irony is, my company is very into wellbeing, there's an Employee Assistance Programme and all that, but I've never accessed any of that before and don't know where to start. I'm not good at asking for help from anyone, or opening up to talk about things to someone I don't have a strong connection with.. So I guess I'm turning to MN?! What do I do next? I feel like I need to sort my head and my life out so how do I find someone to help me with all of this?

OP posts:

DorritLittle · 24/04/2023 17:25

No advice but I feel the same often and am also 45. Not sure what to do on the job front -!it’s a problem I have since graduating as I am essentially qualified for nothing and the things that do interest me, I can’t commit to because they are too all consuming, or afford to retrain in. I don’t mind my job but I don’t love it. Nice colleagues help. I am currently obsessed with booking holidays!

Whochangedmynamec · 24/04/2023 17:27

Oh yes, don’t ever use employee assistance- they will use anything you say against you whether they admit it or not. Sounds like you need a life coach.

I think there should be jobs for “wise woman” like there used to be before the patriarchy.

Findyourneutralspace · 24/04/2023 17:30

I could have written your OP, minus the DH as I don’t have one of those - and that gets me down!

I was about to say use the employee assist. I’m getting support from mine but it’s entirely separate from work, a completely different company. I hope I’m not being naive!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Menopause Women's health

Oneborneverydecade · 24/04/2023 17:31

I'm also 45 and felt the same after suffering my first panic attack at the beginning of Autumn. My feelings have returned to normal over time thankfully but I did see a menopause doctor privately. I think if I'd continued to feel as anxious I would have started HRT.
I would definitely recommend making use of the Employee Assistance programme. It sounds like you'd benefit from talking things through - and that would be free!

Oneborneverydecade · 24/04/2023 17:32

I agree with @Findyourneutralspace we've had counseling through my DHs work scheme and it was entirely separate. I think it was AXA?

SweetSakura · 24/04/2023 17:35

Definitely look into therapy etc .

But I would also recommend carving out time to read. I am having what I am sure is a middle aged wobble compounded by awful ill health (I am largely housebound/bed bound due to a rare disease at present). I cannot put into words (ironically) how much reading widely is helping me. Philosophy, classics, modern literature, historical literature, travel books.... All getting me out of wallowing in my own thoughts and giving me new and fresh perspectives

SweetSakura · 24/04/2023 17:35

Definitely look into therapy etc .

wheresmymojo · 24/04/2023 17:36

Whochangedmynamec · 24/04/2023 17:27

Oh yes, don’t ever use employee assistance- they will use anything you say against you whether they admit it or not. Sounds like you need a life coach.

I think there should be jobs for “wise woman” like there used to be before the patriarchy.

This is absolutely not true. Employee assistance programmes are run by third parties and there is zero information passed back to your employer.

Chateau · 24/04/2023 17:41

I am using an employee assistance programme currently and it's run by a third party, and I have been told it's completely confidential - I would be v surprised if any weren't.

I feel a bit out of sorts too op, so am kind of following for ideas too, but one thing I have just started recently is the Calm meditation app. There is a lot of wisdom on it, and I do look forward to using it.

SpringOn · 24/04/2023 17:43

Don’t know if it is your sort of thing, but I recently listened to Derren Brown’s Bootcamp for Life free on Audible. It was really comforting and reassuring, especially around the feelings of midlife.

Might be worth a listen?

Isheabastard · 24/04/2023 18:03

Therapy was the best think for me. I’m retired so I didn’t need to talk about work but did talk about my future.

Id start with therapy and if that didn’t totally help with the work/life balance, maybe then look for a life coach later, or in addition.

Theres also a lot of advice online and books. Maybe if you split the problem up you could talk about it to various friends.

GeriKellmansUpdo · 24/04/2023 18:07

Therapy has been hopeless for me. Friends are too busy with their own shit. Mum is great but getting older.

I have found a support group recently, particular to some illness I have in the family. They are far better than therapy for me. Also lots of solitary walks in nature, swimming, and time on my own. ( not always easy if you are in the thick of childcare).

Canarias · 24/04/2023 18:10

Snap. Same age and I quit my job nearly 2 years ago.

Still can’t work out if it was a brilliant decision or stupid since it was highly paid, brill benefits etc. but I wasn’t enjoying it and ultimately decided I’d been in the rat race long enough. I am experiencing peri-meno anxiety, confidence issues etc. and hard to unpick if that made me do it or I should have done it anyway. I’m now going back PT and struggling to engage brain properly, but also enjoying it and good balance for me I’m lucky enough to be able to do independently of relying on my DH.

Questioning lots of things in my relationship too. I feel I’m aging but still young and now is the time to make significant life decisions if I need to. I think hormones have been the catalyst but they are not the cause.

Original poster

SilkieChick · 24/04/2023 20:27

So many of us around the same age, in the same boat... although it's good to know I'm not the only one.

Perhaps I should bite the bullet and look into EAP at work, I believe it's an independent company and trust my employer in any case.

I am reading a good deal - novels for escapism and have a large pile of self-help books (for want of a better term) which I think might help me too, just wish I could set aside large chunks of time to read them!

I don't have audible but I'll look into the Derren Brown book @SpringOn

@Isheabastard I'd love to discuss these things with friends - but I don't have any. None that I see regularly enough, or am close enough with to get into this sort of life crisis territory anyway.

OP posts:

Isheabastard · 24/04/2023 20:31

During my long and unhappy marriage I let many friends go or only saw them very occasionally. But I have reached out to them and they have been kind enough to reciprocate.

lndnbrdge91 · 24/04/2023 20:35

Can you write it all down: just for you? Leave it a week or so and go back to it, might give you some perspective or clarity.

I was in a similar position pre covid. Not sure what got me out of it but I didn't make any rash decisions and feel like it's lifted. I did write about some of it, and spoke to one very trusted friend.

Original poster

SilkieChick · 25/04/2023 07:33

@lndnbrdge91 I do write things down sometimes - and it does help a bit, as does posting on MN. However I think I'm at the point where I need to talk things through - I need more than just my weary brain to figure things out, and I need some perspective, a subjective opinion.

I really have found it helpful to share here and find some solidarity- thanks MNers

OP posts:

tatteddear · 25/04/2023 08:17

I'm 43 and feel exactly as you do. I had to quit my job (the field I'd worked for 23 years) due to family commitments but tbh I had fallen out of love with it and had probably started underperforming. The issue is I dont feel interested in anything else. I've started my own very small business (gig economy type stuff) just to keep a bit of money coming in, and even that I feel like I can't be arsed with. I just lack focus and any sort of drive.
I'm not depressed I don't think. Just a bit... lost.

FortiesFunk · 25/04/2023 16:00

I hit my mid forties and thought all was OK. Parents aging, kids getting more independent, could finally do me. Changed career, very happy with my job and can see me doing it until retirement, work-life balance fab, all going great with partner but my God, sometimes I wake up and can not be arsed, is it hormonal or just part of getting older.

On those days I find I would rather just potter about dipping in and out of my hobbies e.g. readng, crafts . I do not feel depressed. I just do not want to. No idea if therapy would help.

thebarrenwinter · 05/06/2023 21:50

Stumbled across this thread and it has hit the nail on the head in terms of how I'm feeling. Very nearly 50. Hugely peri-menopausal (and taking HRT). I've had dc late so they are still in primary school.

Never had a career as such (worked in admin in various places) in spite of decent education which has not provided me with specific skills. I haven't worked for years now and finding I can't be bothered to get back into the workplace. I don't need to work (financially) but feeling like I ought to. I want to develop (my small) on-line business but now asking what's the point of that - it serves no great purpose. I feel like I need to be saving the human race or something but then feel like I really can't be bothered/don't have the energy. Constantly questioning the purpose of stuff and what my 'true' calling is. This would be difficult to achieve in all likelihood even if I knew what it was as I have chronic anxiety (a legacy of childhood trauma). Coaching feels a bit too energised for where I'm at (my get up and go has seemingly got up and gone).

Could while away the days pottering - then get concerned I will become too isolated. Feel in the middle of stuff - too young to retire but can't be bothered to re-train. I just get the feeling I want to be outside a lot doing conservation work/perhaps buying a field and developing a (non-profit) small-holding but not trusting my judgement currently (as it feels I'm hiding/running away from stuff). I am seeing a therapist - not sure it is helping vastly but it has enabled me to vent/work through a few things.

It's a horrid place to be. It feels like I'me neither here nor there. I don't have any massive ambitions (I've achieved the majority of them as far as I'm aware). Feel a bit flat (possibly depressed but more flat) - like the ship has sailed and I've been left standing in the dock.

Watching this thread with interest.

Smidge001 · 05/06/2023 22:16

Omg. Me too. I'm 47, and been feeling like this for a year I think. Not depressed but totally flat, no drive, just can't really be arsed to do anything. Like one of the previous posters, I kind of feel I've achieved all I'm going to achieve. Work performance and effort-wise I've definitely gone down hill. There are parts I enjoy, but I've reduced my hours (to help ageing parents) but even on my days off I don't feel enthused. I'm on HRT and that has definitely helped fight off the anxiety. But I don't recognise myself really anymore! I just can't seem to get any drive, yet I'm not depressed. Theoretically I enjoy the outdoors (i do! but yet...) and seeing friends occasionally, but I feel as if I've got nothing to give in terms of company as I don't do anything and I can't seem to get enthusiastic anymore. It's so weird. I really hope it's hormonal and will pass. I used to feel sexy - and I still find my DH attractive, but I don't have any sex drive either.

Really hoping there's a solution (even if it is just to wait till you're 55 )

ChangeOfName22 · 05/06/2023 22:17

I feel like this and I'm only 38

carolinestowcrat · 05/06/2023 22:24

You want HRT and a good counsellor, although to be fair, HRT can put a stop to the anxiety and existential crisis - for many, what you're currently grappling with is a huge part of perimenopause.

highfidelity · 05/06/2023 22:27

Smidge001 · 05/06/2023 22:16

Really hoping there's a solution (even if it is just to wait till you're 55 )

You might want to get your HRT dose looked at, and if there's no testosterone, get that added in - it not only helps libido but will bring everything back into focus.

piglet81 · 06/06/2023 09:14

Can I join the rubbish club? You’ve all articulated much better than I can how I feel. Only 41 and wasn’t expecting to feel like this already but I have lost all my oomph and just cba with anything. Don’t know if it’s depression or perimenopause or what but I need to do something!

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