Who can I talk to about midlife/existential crisis?

[SilkieChick]

I feel like I'm struggling with a number of different things at the moment, but don't know where to turn for advice. I'm 45, grappling with perimenopause which is bringing with it a few mental issues like low mood, lack of confidence, mild anxiety - I feel at times like I'm having a bit of a midlife crisis, not sure if I'm in the right job, needing to vent about family/relationship things… but I can't do this with DH (mainly because he's the one I need to vent about, not to!), my parents are helpful to a point, but not very subjective, and I have no close friends to confide in, in fact I feel quite lonely in that respect - another of the issues I'm currently struggling with.

Alongside all of that - and this really could be the midlife crisis talking - I just don't know if I'm doing what I should be doing in my work life. I started a new job about 9 months ago and elements of it are great, but also I'm having days where I just feel so unmotivated and disengaged. There are so many positives, it's well paid and fairly secure, with a great company… and yet I find myself wishing I could down tools and be outside, like I'm wishing I could retire already, and use my time to read or garden or travel or write - but I'm years off any of that! Maybe I should be looking into working for myself or doing something I'm really, truly passionate about. Part of me wants the freedom and the adventure, part of me is too deeply risk averse and fears major loss of income…

I just wish I could talk it all through with someone who could help me untangle all of this and figure out what to do next. Do I need a life coach? A therapist? Or just a friend to talk to on a regular basis? The answer to the latter question is definitely yes, but I kind of need to talk all of this through now, before my brain explodes! I need someone to look objectively at my life and help me figure out what's wrong, what's right, what to do next. I feel like I'm ruminating a lot, these thoughts go round in my head without resolving. I know I'm also bottling up some negative thoughts and resentments and that's not healthy at all.

The irony is, my company is very into wellbeing, there's an Employee Assistance Programme and all that, but I've never accessed any of that before and don't know where to start. I'm not good at asking for help from anyone, or opening up to talk about things to someone I don't have a strong connection with.. So I guess I'm turning to MN?! What do I do next? I feel like I need to sort my head and my life out so how do I find someone to help me with all of this?

You might want to get your HRT dose looked at, and if there's no testosterone, get that added in - it not only helps libido but will bring everything back into focus.

I am on 4 pumps of gel (upped it myself) and I have just started taking testosterone (week 2). The only real difference I've notice is that it has taken the edge of the anxiety (which was awful in the first place).

in fact I feel quite lonely in that respect - another of the issues I'm currently struggling with.

Yes, I feel like this too. I do have friends but I'm not in regular (enough) contact and I really feel like I need to speak to someone who truly understands the weighing up of everything and someone who has actually can stand back from life a bit and think about what it is they are doing instead of being in robotic mode. I am struggling to get enjoyment from the things that I have found enjoyment from in the past.

Maybe I should be looking into working for myself or doing something I'm really, truly passionate about.

Do you know what this would be op? I am lacking the passion bit (and the sense of direction). Most of the activities I enjoy are insular, yet I long to belong to something bigger than me if that makes sense but something that doesn't leave me feeling drained. I feel flat and dare I say it bored. Longing to be near people whilst at the same time feeling like I've had enough of them.

Not sure I can make sense of any of it.

I'm interested to hear what your disatisfaction with your dh is. I feel like this too yet on the surface of it, he is a good man. I think I want a dopamine hit to break up the flat feeling. I'm not sure what I'm expecting him to do when I know it needs to come from within. I just don't feel the same.

I'm feeling similar, at 46. I'm not sure what to do about it. Keep getting shingles. Wonder if it is forcing me to slow down (can be linked to stress)

Just been resting, which has been quite nice. Have no inclination to cook / care / do anything much.

I hit exactly this feeling, also at 45. I'm now just 48. I'm still working through it jut things that have helped:

1. I did a bit of therapy maybe 8 sessions just to acknowledge to myself that I wa still me, but just going through a life change of sorts (basically helped me realise peri menopause is real)
2. talking with other women going through the same. For me this is my close group of pals who are all same age and I'm lucky to have. At first they looked at me like i was made when I stated talking about 'my settings have changed '...but within a year they were all in the same boat.
3. HRT started last year. Its not making ahuge difference but just taking action has felt good. I'll ask to get my dose increased soon to see if that helps more.

I stumbled upon this today and it resonated in relation to the purpose thing
'When you die, only 3 things will remain of you, since you abandon all material things on the threshold of the otherworld; what you have taught others, what you have created with your hands and how much love you have spread.

I feel I need to do more during the week (not currently working) to prevent myself from becoming isolated. I was doing a couple of activities during the week but I'm losing interest because of lack of connection. It somehow feels like I'm going through the motions. Need to shake this up a bit but not sure how. I'm worried I'm going to become too dependent on adult children later on (dcs are not yet adults) in spite of me putting in the effort to create some kind of life. It all feels so difficult. Waiting for more therapy to try and help with anxiety levels then perhaps look at volunteering somewhere.

It seems like I've got some sort of endless searching thing going on, yet I don't feel I fit/belong anywhere and no particular burning ambition(s).

Hi @SilkieChick i was just looking back at my 'threads I'm on' and re-read this thread. It's 2 years on and I still feel the same. When I last commented, I'd gone down to part time at my decent career job - well since then I've engineered (well sort of, I at least had some influence over the timing) a redundancy. I was that unenthused. My mum died about 18months ago so I'm spending 4 days a week with caring responsibilities for my dad. Who I love - and don't mind doing as such. But it's added to this feeling that I'm just going through the motions of life and am somehow just waiting for something to change.

One poster had suggested I get my HRT looked at again, and try to get testosterone added. Which i remember and have been thinking about doing - I just simply can't believe they suggested it 2 YEARS ago... it feels as though it must have only been about 2 months ago as I haven't got around to doing anything about it yet. OMG. I am so apathetic and my life is passing me by! I really must try and see if it helps.

I'm really hoping you have found some sort of clarity, and can tell me what it is. If not, at least you will know you're not alone...

Re-reading and reviving this thread, as I discovered that I never responded to your message @Smidge001 !

Quite a lot has happened since my original post, though at the present moment it feels like not a lot has changed emotionally/mentally...

My work dilemma was resolved, ironically, quite soon after I posted this when the company I worked for basically made me redundant. It was a massive knock to my confidence but also pushed me into going freelance, which I had been debating for a long time. I've been freelancing and working PT/short-term contracts for the past couple of years and finally enjoying it, now that I'm past the early learning curve/rollercoaster of emotions. I love the lifestyle of choosing my work and following interesting opportunities and projects.

I also started HRT quite soon after posting originally, and I think that has helped smooth out some of the mood issues, though, ironically, I'm revisiting this thread as I'm in a bit of a dip at the moment. I've lowered my dose after feeling like I was on too much oestrogen and getting some negative side effects, so I'm hoping this is just a temporary blip while my body adjusts. And, interestingly, after also debating it for some time, I've just begun the process of getting testosterone from Superdrug, as I am very keen to try it, to find out if this is the missing part of the puzzle for me. Although I feel generally better, I still often feel like my lust for life is missing - physically and mentally.

I guess I feel like I'm still kind of searching, still trying to find myself and figure out who I am and what I want for the second half of my life... although I do feel like I've taken some significant positive steps forward towards that.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum - we lost DH's mum during the past two years as well and that's been another significant impact on our family and on life recently. You're doing a good thing caring for your dad, and I can understand how that would take up a lot of your time and headspace. You might not be able to make any major changes at the moment, but maybe make sure you're doing little things just for you, or small actions towards something you can achieve in the future, that might help?

So - in short, my life has changed a lot in the past two years, and I can't say I've found clarity but things are mostly better and I'm usually feeling positive (current mood dip aside!) - I think that's down to changing my work life and overall lifestyle, having more flexibility, more time for rest and exercise and looking after my mental health through journalling, self-reflection, meditation.

Hope that helps you or anyone else returning to this thread!