People never seem to really like me...

onetow · 2023-04-23T12:38:56+00:00

On the inside I would describe myself and really friendly and happy person. I would always go out of my way to make people feel comfortable if they were being left out or go over to someone to include them in a conversation etc. however, I don't really know how to describe what I'm trying to say other than people don't really seem to like me. They don't gravitate towards me or seem to make much of an effort with me. I just mustn't be as nice as what I think I am in my head. I just feel miserable today

CheezePleeze · 23/04/2023 13:40

Don't take it to heart OP.

I know a few nice people who I wouldn't gravitate towards for a variety of reasons.

It doesn't mean they're not nice!

Original poster

onetow · 23/04/2023 13:42

Thank you so much 😊 i appreciate your reply. It's hard not to feel a bit upset when you're not wanted or liked for no apparent reason

OP posts:

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/04/2023 13:42

Do you let people see the real you? I gravitate to people I feel are authentic. Sometimes they're not nice all the time, but I appreciate that they're honest, iyswim?

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/04/2023 13:43

Also, I'm sorry that you're feeling shit 💐

Heroicallyfound · 23/04/2023 13:43

Stop going out of your way to make people feel comfortable. Focus on your own happiness and who you are, and let people come to you.

Florissant · 23/04/2023 13:46

I'm sorry you feel that way, OP. I am sure that more people like you than you realise.

Original poster

onetow · 23/04/2023 13:46

Heroicallyfound · 23/04/2023 13:43

Stop going out of your way to make people feel comfortable. Focus on your own happiness and who you are, and let people come to you.

Great point! Maybe I look like I'm trying to hard.

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CheezePleeze · 23/04/2023 13:46

Just a thought OP (because obviously none of us know you) but could you be considered as a bit 'full on', do you think?

I'm thinking about the actually 'going over to someone to include them in a conversation', and thinking that not everyone wants that.

I mean sometimes if you haven't included yourself in a conversation, it's because you don't particularly want to.

There are so many introverts on MN who I think would find this really uncomfortable.

Heroicallyfound · 23/04/2023 13:51

@CheezePleeze makes a good point. Also if you think about the people who haven’t included themselves, you’re then doing their work for them instead of being in your own self and enjoying yourself. So other people don’t have anything to gravitate to in you, because you’re distracted with someone else if that makes sense.

daisymoonlight · 23/04/2023 13:56

CheezePleeze · 23/04/2023 13:46

Just a thought OP (because obviously none of us know you) but could you be considered as a bit 'full on', do you think?

I'm thinking about the actually 'going over to someone to include them in a conversation', and thinking that not everyone wants that.

I mean sometimes if you haven't included yourself in a conversation, it's because you don't particularly want to.

There are so many introverts on MN who I think would find this really uncomfortable.

Agree with this. Making feel others feel comfortable might actually entail leaving them be and allowing them to decide when they choose to engage in conversations rather than trying to bring them in and force them to engage when they actually dont want to.

This has nothing to do with being nice- as others have said, I know plenty of people I consider nice, with good intentions, but they arent people I'd choose to be friends with because they can be quite overbearing, and just a bit too full on at times. I'd do an experiment by being a bit less full on and just see what happens- if you adjust your behaviour and then get different results you'll then be able to identify exactly what the issue is here.

Original poster

onetow · 23/04/2023 13:59

CheezePleeze · 23/04/2023 13:46

Just a thought OP (because obviously none of us know you) but could you be considered as a bit 'full on', do you think?

I'm thinking about the actually 'going over to someone to include them in a conversation', and thinking that not everyone wants that.

I mean sometimes if you haven't included yourself in a conversation, it's because you don't particularly want to.

There are so many introverts on MN who I think would find this really uncomfortable.

I'm not really loud and in your face iykwim but I would make an effort to say hello to someone and if I felt that wasn't well received I would pick up on that but if I was getting myself a coffe I would offer to buy them on etc.

I was at an event last night and was sat beside a girl on her own. I sat down on the same row ( not beside her, or in her space) I tried to give her a little nod to acknowledge her but she completely ignored me ( fine that's ok) her partner then sat beside her and they started to talk to each other and then proceeded to talk to and shake hands with the people behind us but completely ignored me. I was sat all on my own with nobody talking to me or taking an interest so I started to feel really awkward and embarrassed until an elderly woman eventually came over to me. I was so glad and I was chatting away with and having a lovely conversation but what upsets me is I wouldn't have let that happen if I was part of a bigger conversation group but people didn't give two shits about me sitting own my own 😕

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Dogsandchocolaterule · 23/04/2023 14:01

Sorry to be blunt OP but there WILL be a reason. There will be something about you that is un likeable.

I knew a few women like this, that are happy, smiley, want to be liked, and probably seem nice in their head, but are annoying and I would avoid in a social setting.

You would have to describe a bit more about yourself, but the things that happen to be why some people aren't liked much are:

Laugh too much at their own jokes
Too touchy feely and gives hugs and over the top gestures when she arrives
Negative moaners
Talk about yourself too much
Talk about yourself for ages without someone asking
Take up too much of the conversation

Im only saying this as I went to a wedding recently and there is someone there there is generally one of those women. If she catches you in conversation, that's it, you have 15/20 minutes of a run down of her recent holiday, venture, job whatever. You don't even have to ask she will just talk and talk and has such poor social skills that she doesn't realise the other person hasn't even asked or said anything in response.

But she would definitely describe herself as a happy, nice person and doesn't get why people don't really like her.

Original poster

onetow · 23/04/2023 14:05

Dogsandchocolaterule · 23/04/2023 14:01

Sorry to be blunt OP but there WILL be a reason. There will be something about you that is un likeable.

I knew a few women like this, that are happy, smiley, want to be liked, and probably seem nice in their head, but are annoying and I would avoid in a social setting.

You would have to describe a bit more about yourself, but the things that happen to be why some people aren't liked much are:

Laugh too much at their own jokes
Too touchy feely and gives hugs and over the top gestures when she arrives
Negative moaners
Talk about yourself too much
Talk about yourself for ages without someone asking
Take up too much of the conversation

Im only saying this as I went to a wedding recently and there is someone there there is generally one of those women. If she catches you in conversation, that's it, you have 15/20 minutes of a run down of her recent holiday, venture, job whatever. You don't even have to ask she will just talk and talk and has such poor social skills that she doesn't realise the other person hasn't even asked or said anything in response.

But she would definitely describe herself as a happy, nice person and doesn't get why people don't really like her.

Yes that's what upsetting because I know there's a reason but not knowing is what's making it hard. I'm very overweight and unattractive and I wonder if that's part of it

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daisymoonlight · 23/04/2023 14:06

I really think part of this may be you giving off a needy vibe. You might not be aware of doing it but people pick up on it nonetheless. I have been at events where someone near me looked really desperate to talk to someone, anyone, and I found it provoked a really irritated reaction in me and I couldnt understand why as I am very comfortable talking to anyone in social situations. I think it was the neediness thing. Instead of waiting for someone to talk to you, try to relax and be comfortable in your own skin- allow conversations to develop organically with no pressure on anyone to "fill the gap" as it were. If you are looking around all the time for someone to latch on to, it comes across as off putting but I cant really put into words why it is, it just is. Relax, and I think you'll find things shift naturally.

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 23/04/2023 14:09

I'm very outgoing and people may find me annoying. But I think generally people like me and enjoy my company because I talk about real life things. The conversation isn't superficial, which can get very tedious and tiring. I'll avoid people who i cant seem to get past the "hows the weather" type conversation, even if they are super friendly. Could that be something to do with it?

Original poster

onetow · 23/04/2023 14:12

I definitely have to be more aware of myself going forward. I'd hate to known as the really annoying person behind my back lol I'm always up for a laugh and don't take myself too seriously but clearly I'm a pain in the arse one way or another lol I'll have to be more mindful going forward

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midsomermurderess · 23/04/2023 14:12

‘If you don't have anything nice to say, come and sit here by me’. Look, nice is nice, but often quite dull.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 14:27

Personally speaking, I can be a bit put-off by people who are always nice, happy and friendly - I just find it a little bit false, I guess.

mackthepony · 23/04/2023 14:33

Are you good looking?

Original poster

onetow · 23/04/2023 14:38

mackthepony · 23/04/2023 14:33

Are you good looking?

Very average, I'm overweight so I think that puts people off

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Original poster

onetow · 23/04/2023 14:39

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 14:27

Personally speaking, I can be a bit put-off by people who are always nice, happy and friendly - I just find it a little bit false, I guess.

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I seem false.

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1930toEdinburgh · 23/04/2023 14:41

The husband of the lady you nodded to may not have wanted to chat to avoid his wife kicking off with jealousy ?
Perhaps the people he shook hands with were known to them ?

You do sound like you expect people to chat to you- which may give off needy vibes.

I have v low expectations and never expect people to randomly chat to me. Mostly people don't which is fine but if they do I chat to them happily but I don't expect it. Especially not from a couple.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 14:44

onetow · 23/04/2023 14:39

Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I seem false.

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The way I see it, nobody is happy all the time - we all have off-days, or days where we CBA to talk, or days where we just fancy a moan. If someone never reveals that side to me, and just goes around smiling and being cheerful no matter what, it feels a bit like they're hiding something, or pretending to be someone they're not.

I think it's different at work when you're expected to leave your personal life/issues at the door, but in social situations there's nothing wrong with not being smiley/cheerful/happy all the time.

ThatFraggle · 23/04/2023 14:46

Not being snarky. Genuine answer. Go on audible. Get the book 'how to win friends and influence people.' listen to it when doing the washing up/ironing/commuting.

It might point out some things you've been doing wrong.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 23/04/2023 14:48

onetow · 23/04/2023 14:38

Very average, I'm overweight so I think that puts people off

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Its not because you are overweight or average looking that describes me but I don't have these issues, but I did used to have them, and I also used to be skinnier again no correlation. I had a colleague once give me gentle feedback that I came across as needy and insecure because I seemed desperate to be included in every conversation and to include everyone

She was right as well, thanks to a crappy childhood I was very insecure. Nowadays I will absolutely include people if they want to be included but I'm not so desperate to be included and if I'm by myself for a bit I'm not bothered.

Is it possible that you are making negative assumptions about people and therefore making yourself feel worse. The woman didn't know you and possibly thought you were nodding to someone behind you? The couple shook hands with the people directly next to/behind them but you were not directly beside them so how many rows/seats across are they going to go?

If you are busy assuming negative reactions, perhaps because you are feeling insecure or your confidence has been knocked if you aren't careful you will go into a negative spiral.