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Original poster

Dad never hugged me or told me he loves me-is this normal?

40 replies

ohdannyboi · 23/04/2023 11:23

I'm 37 and never (not even as a child ) has my dad hugged me or told me loves me
Obviously on birthday cards "love dad "
I see my dad daily and as a child I had a lovely childhood but he has never said he loves me.
Is this normal ?

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 23/04/2023 11:25

Same for me
i know he does though he’s just of a certain generation and went to boarding school

WheelsUp · 23/04/2023 11:26

No- not normal.
Have you ever heard him say it to your mum (or other partner if he's divorced) ?
Has his dad ever said it to you?

CMOTDibbler · 23/04/2023 11:26

My dad never did. But I knew that he loved me fiercely till the day he died, he just wasn't able to show or express that

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/04/2023 11:27

My dad grew up through the war. I'm not sure he ever said 'I love you' to anyone. How he and my mum got together will forever be a mystery.

DominoRules · 23/04/2023 11:27

Mine didn’t and doesn’t now - he’s a very emotionally closed man. He does care about me and I know he really loves my DC, much more affectionate with them!

thaegumathteth · 23/04/2023 11:28

My dad never did or that he was proud of me or anything. He's dead now and tbh it's one thing that really does play on my
Mind sometimes. My mum didn't / doesn't really either tbh.

Conversely I tell my kids I love them every day.

RestingMurderousFace · 23/04/2023 11:28

Neither my father, step father or mother ever did so entirely normal to me, sadly.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 23/04/2023 11:29

My dad never hugged me/told me he love me. He did, however, show me he loved me by doing practical things… DIY, driving, etc.

When my sister was dying, he hugged her, and told her he loved her. And now does the same to me.

If you know your dad loves you, it really doesn’t matter how he shows it.

Oldnproud · 23/04/2023 11:31

My dad never hugged me until the last few years of his life. His generation/ circle just weren't touchy-feely. Come to that, my mum didn't either. 100% sure they love(d) me though, even if they didn't always like me.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/04/2023 11:32

My dad is very open and tells me he loves me every time I see him. My mum doesn't but I know she does. It depends on the person.

CindersAgain · 23/04/2023 11:34

I don’t think either of my parents told me they loved me. They hugged me though.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/04/2023 11:34

I think that, shame as it is, it's quite normal for our generation. (1950s parents). Of course many do, but those that didnt aren't particularly rare. My dad doesn't - I suspect he is autistic but from a generation where it wasn't tested or considered.

Iwillhavethefullenglishplease · 23/04/2023 11:37

I don't remember that being said to me, by either parent (although I'm sure they did when I was a child). But I know they do, they show it in a myriad of other ways. I don't doubt for a second that they love me, my siblings or our families and would do anything in the world for us.
I do make sure I say it to my kids often though.

rwalker · 23/04/2023 11:40

Nether my mum or dad did but I know my mum loves me
went to give here a hug when my dad died it was just awkward

BranchGold · 23/04/2023 11:41

Very similar from both parents, not physically intimate and verbally expressing love. I know they do love me and my siblings though.

Have you read about love languages? For my parents they show love through acts of service and duty, by providing for us.

I don’t think there’s a right/wrong way, it’s very personal.

NutButters · 23/04/2023 11:43

Neither of my parents has ever said they love me. I’m sure they do though. Different time, different people.

Original poster
ohdannyboi · 23/04/2023 11:44

My dad was born in 1943 and had my quite late in life.
He like others does practical things for me
Tells me not to walk home /pays for my taxi /gets angry if people hurt me etc so I know he cares
He just doesn't show it in the normal way I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
ohdannyboi · 23/04/2023 11:45

*had me

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 23/04/2023 11:45

No my dad is a great, he would get on the floor playing and picked me up from school every day and made up silly songs etc but he isn’t a hugger or the type to say he loves me. I know he does though.

BringItOnxxx · 23/04/2023 11:46

I was born in 1980. Never had a hug, hand hold (I can remember) or told I was loved by my parents. I'm damaged but I know it wasn't their fault and I know the did/do love me, by their actions.

waterlego · 23/04/2023 11:50

My dad was not demonstrative and never told me he loved me or was proud of me when I was growing up. He was a good dad and a good man but just quite serious and rather old-fashioned. In contrast, my mum was very affectionate and told us every day that she loved us and was proud of us. That was lovely but it made me even more aware of what was ‘missing’ from my dad.

When he retired he softened a lot. I think we had all underestimated how much his working life had impacted on his personality. He became a lot more relaxed, more fun, more sentimental. When I had children, he softened even more and we all got to see a very fun side of him as he proved to be excellent at entertaining his grandchildren and a very cuddly Grandad! And then I finally got to hear ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m proud of you’. So our relationship became much closer when my Dad was in his later years.

BranchGold · 23/04/2023 11:51

I would caution against going too deeply down the rabbit hole of labelling human behaviours as ‘normal’ or ‘not normal’ because it doesn’t always achieve very much.

If you want to reflect on how things make you feel (rather than on how you should feel) then that can be productive to get to the root of something, but it’s also about weighing up everything on the table at the same time.
So thinking ‘I feel sad that my dad never hugged me, I would have liked getting physical comfort from him. I recognise how much he cares for my well being and safety, and tries to put my interests as a priority.’ They can both exist together, it’s all valid. Does that make sense?

Mabelface · 23/04/2023 11:52

It wasn't a thing in my house growing up, with my mum and in my dad's house either. Dad told us he loved us when he was dying, over 20 years ago. Mum was more affectionate over the last few years until she died recently. 4 siblings now say it and show it to each other. We've all been far more affectionate with our own kids.

It does seem to be generational, and how they were brought up.

youveturnedupwelldone · 23/04/2023 11:54

Neither of my parents have ever told me they love me, and neither of them hugged me. I'm mid 40s they are in their late 70s

Coxspurplepippin · 23/04/2023 11:55

Same, but it didn't stop me knowing I was loved. My Dad was my biggest supporter, just not overt in showing it. It takes more than hugs and being told 'Love you' for a child to be truly loved, supported and cherished.