What do you talk about to your psychologist?

[BlastedPimples]

I'm not sure what to expect from mine. I know advice perhaps isn't appropriate from them but I don't feel like I'm getting much.

I talk about my circumstances.

What has happened to me and my dcs.

How I feel. Sometimes I'm optimistic. Sometimes I'm so very low to the point of feeling paralysed. How I wake up with fear at 4am. My plans for the future.

My psychologist listens. She says it's good I feel optimistic.

She says it's good I have plans.

She says my ex will never change. It's awful what has happened to me and the dcs because of him

I don't see what she is giving me is different to what one of my friends is giving me in terms of support.

Am I asking too much? I expected well, something different. Naive of me perhaps.

What do you want to get out of the sessions? What's your desired outcome?

I've had a few counselling services and this is how I've found them.

I want advice, strategies etc.

If all they provide is a listening ear friends are better!

Tactics on how to cope day to day.

Why i am waking up at 4am every morning?

What can I do to help process all this better?

I guess some constructive input.

people think counselling is a magic wand. It reality it rarely helps or changes anything.

Can you ask her these questions in the sessions? My psychotherapist does much more than just listen. I’m not sure if the difference between a psychiatrist, a counsellor, a therapist and a psychotherapist though.

of the difference

Can you talk to her about it?

It sounds like you’re having counselling right now. Maybe you’re actually looking for a more active therapy - CBT or ACT or whatever.

If she is a qualified psychologist she should be able to deliver several different forms of therapy. Tell her how you feel!

A psychiatrist is a qualified doctor who has specialised in chemical disorders of the brain.

The others are people who talk about mood - and don't need any qualifications.

I have told her.

No change.

I think she thinks I just need to tell her what happened and what my plans are.

She's not a counsellor. She's a psychologist.

And I don't think therapy or counselling is a magic wand at all.

I was hoping for some constructive help. Is that a magic wand?

A psychologist should be specialist in a specific therapy type and that is what you should be working on. Do you know what therapy you're signed up for?

Doesn't sound like the right therapist for you. Mine listens and interprets - does more than simply acknowledge what I'm saying. She identifies patterns that don't necessarily help me. I think you need to find someone more skilled and insightful.

There are different types of talking therapy approaches. Those taking a strongly humanistic/ person centred approach will refuse to give advice and just listen to you waffling on, occasionally asking a question or making a comment. The theory is that in waffling on you will arrive at the solutions to your own problems. I personally think this is bollocks but it seems most counselors I have come across are like this. I used to think they were just crap at their job, but no! It’s an actual therapeutic approach you can train in! For three years! I presume so many counselors do it as it’s an easier gig than actually learning stuff you can use to actually help people.

Some counselors do offer techniques and strategies as well as insights into your established and unhelpful thought processes. These are like gold dust, but are worth seeking out, as a good counselor can really help. You need to do the hard work they are showing you the path of, but they will show you the path and support you in it.

So my advice is to ditch your psychologist and find someone who can provide what you want. When approaching counselors/ psychologists be explicit about what you are looking for and ask them if they can provide it.

That's the last place I'd try for constructive help.

Waking up at 4am could be about the rise and fall of anxiety related hormones.

I saw a psychologist for two years, I didn't just talk to her about my life, although I did as well of course, we discovered how I react to stress, worry, negative events, and did exercises to get me to stop reacting in those ways and react in different, more positive ways. Also did mindfulness which I wasn't really keen on but I suppose it helped.
It was schema therapy. A year was the minimum she would do with me for it to work, but another year was needed.

If you've brought this to her and she hasn't changed her approach I would look for a different therapist.

I'm a qualified counsellor, registration with bodies like the BACP do require proper training, a period of placement and your caseload must be supervised by someone more experienced for the rest of your career. But PP is right in saying that "counsellor" isn't a protected title, so technically anyone can call themselves that. Look out for registration.

Counsellors shouldn't be making decisions for you, but they can help you identify your core values, thinking styles, reframe thoughts, adjust unhelpful behaviours, process your past, set goals etc. So for example, they shouldn't say "leave your job" but they could explore your stress levels dye to your job, what your values and aims are, how are they being met at your job, what are your boundaries like etc.

The idea is that you get to know yourself better so that you're better equipped to deal with similar issues in the future, not to create a dependence on needing someone else to make decisions for you.

They should be able to help you with things like the sleep issue you mentioned.

If you are looking at counsellors or psychotherapist, a person-centred approach is the least directive and approaches like CBT/DBT/ACT are the more directive. You can look up their profiles and most will offer a free 15/30 minute consultation for you to get a feel for each other, I would definitely tell them what you have and haven't found helpful with your current psychologist and see what they say.

Sometimes it takes a while to get a good fit. I've had clients come to me from other counsellors they've felt weren't directive enough.

I also wonder if there's part of your story that you're keeping back from your psychologist? There maybe isn't, but sometimes it can be hard to really dig into what's going on for someone if they're being being protective about a certain area.

I see a lot of clients who've had CBT/DBT or solution focused therapy and hated it because they really wanted to unpack
and process how they feel, not be told about their unhelpful thinking patterns and sent away with homework! Humanistic or person centred therapists spend about four years practising techniques developed by people like Carl Rogers (google him) and all research shows that it's the strength of the therapeutic relationship which determines therapeutic outcome and not the modality itself.

I think the problem is (and this included me before I qualified) that most people think therapists are the same and have a pretty similar
offfering and in reality you need a therapist with a specialism for some issues. I wouldn't work with OCD for example as I think CBT works better here. Have you googled your psychologists skill set? My daughter had a psychologist who had a limited knowledge of autism, so they don't all know everything. Just as GPs don't.

If the sleep issue is your main issue, someone trained in CBTi would be worth exploring.

I agree with previous posts that say she doesn't sound like a good fit for you.

The BACP website will allow you to search by location so hopefully you will find someone who suits you better. Good luck!

I have seen a variety of different therapists over the years including two psychologists. One clinical psychologist was able to diagnose PTSD (unexpectedly) and work on new approaches to resolving that. One CBT therapist was probably the most practically helpful professional I've seen - very focused on getting things working in a healthy way with the kids, household jobs, etc.

Others were less helpful and I either got rid, or just looked back and thought 'that definitely wasn't as helpful as it could have been' (see three years of psychotherapy).

I would expect more from a qualified psychologist, to be honest, and it sounds like you want and are ready for more.

Might be worth engaging someone else - if you're paying, many will have a chat with you beforehand so you can get a feel of whether they're right for you. My DH is a Counsellor, obviously he listens but I know he aims to suggest ways of coping day to day/thinking about things in a different way. Also, not excluding the route of why you need support, but trying to give you positives in terms of what's good around you.

I was very open and talked about everything that troubled me.

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Why i am waking up at 4am every morning?

It's your therapy, OP. If it isn't working for you then it's ok to change tack and go for a different approach with someone else.