Dd is sick almost every time she has been at her dad's, what can I do?

[Whatcanidoaboutpoorlydd]

I have a 5yo dd and a 9yo ds.

Their dad is pretty useless, long and typical backstop really, but he now takes them for one day and night every 2nd weekend.

He basically has no contact with me (bought 9yo a phone and arranges everything through her which pisses me off no end).

Things I've had to contact him about include him smoking in his house (he doesn't do this anymore but smokes when he's out with them and they still come back reeking of cigarettes), him not dressing them appropriately, him stealing all the clothes I send them in and sending them back in ill fitting and inappropriate stuff, not using car seats (he could have asked for mine)... you get the picture.

My youngest is sick fairly often, over the last few months I've been writing down what she has been eating and drinking to try and piece together what's upsetting her, the only thing that's common with it is that it starts withing 2 days of coming back from her dad's, literally every time she's sick (bar once just before Xmas when we all came down with a sick bug).

This last bout has been awful, she couldn't even lift her head yesterday she was so weak 😔.

He doesn't react to any criticism of what I'll laughingly call his parenting well at all, but obviously this is something else I'll have to bring up with him and he will be a dickhead about.

What can I actually do though? I obviously need to protect my dc, but I can't really stop the minimal input their dad has...can I?

If anyone can help me with a plan on what to do I would be very grateful. I've got about a week and a half until he has my dc again, and the thought of her being this poorly again is breaking my heart, I can't put her through this again.

How much evidence do you have?

I have about 6 months worth of food diaries, plus I can get the school records of when she has been off which will back it up as well.

I've also taken her to the doctors twice (they told me to keep records of what she's eating for 6 months).

I have texts of him refusing to put what she's eating into the diary as its me being 'controlling' on his time with the dc.

Does she not eat the same as your 9 year old when she's at her dad's. Could you ask your 9 year what they have to eat?

They have junk food- takeaway breakfast, chippy for lunch, pizza for tea, and, from what I can gather, pretty unlimited snacks as well (according to 9yo).

I suspect this is the crux of her being sick so much rather than an allergy as we have the odd chippy or pizza and she is fine.

He doesn't have a cooker (I offered him my old airfryer but he refused).

He absolutely won't stop what he is doing, and takes any sign of help as a slight on his character.

My immediate thought is to just stop him seeing them and then he can take me to court, I know the kids would be devastated, but I don't know what else to do.

I would wonder if he has mice in his house. I lived in an infested rental once and we were sick regularly - and visitors too.

Or maybe he isn't thoroughly cleaning after she's sick there so she's getting reinfected.

Seems more likely to be something like that than the food there?

It's stress. It's not that uncommon, DS1 used to get it too. I don't know what you can do about it, XP was so flakey that he just ended up cancelling contact more often than not and that was a relief, until eventually he stopped bothering at all.

I would not take him to court, unless you are confident he's too lazy to do that, because a court would not see any of what you mention as being reason to stop contact, and you'll end up with a contact order that you have to stick to (and he doesn't). Just don't facilitate stuff, leave the ball in his court, don't remind him about anything ever and he'll probably lose interest anyway.

If you go back to the GP, give them the food diaries from home but explain your ex does not co-operate and you only have info via your 9yo about what they eat there.

Could you make some excuse to cut his contact time down so they aren't there for long periods perhaps?

I don't really know what to think, ds is is very rarely sick, and he is there the same amount, it's not a bug, I have older dc as well and when a sick bug hits this house then we all get it. He also doesn't seem to get sick much.

When he has been away and not seen the dc for a month she has been fine, so it's definitely something there affecting her, I just can't pinpoint what would be affecting her and not ds.

More often than not, in this situation, it'll be stress. It's very very common for kids to have stomach issues due to stress. The diary would actually prove this. If it was coeliac or any other serious allergy, she wouldn't be able to have a pizza here and there and would be sick with you too. The fact it's consistently happening immediately after seeing her dad, to me says stress. My nephew was similar. He even spent a couple of nights in hospital and had every test under the sun. His dad moved and the stomach issues miraculously solved themselves.

I would say if your DD is eating too much junk food at her dad's then the sickness would be straight away (that night) rather than a couple of days later. Reactions to overeating tend to happen pretty fast. Same with food allergies too really. She would get sick when at her dad's or soon after getting home to you. Whilst the diet their dad feeds them doesn't sound ideal, because of the timing of her sickness I wouldn't leap to blaming him. If his house was so dirty it was making her sick I would have thought it would affect your older DC too.
I would consider anxiety as a cause (what's happening the day/days after her sickness) or maybe something in her diet at home, although I would have thought you could rule that out after 6 months. How many times has she been sick in 6 months? Some kids are just sick a lot.

That's something I hadn't considered.

I really try and keep things nice and light, never say anything but good things etc, he definitely isn't the same at all, he hates me and let's it show.

He doesn't have too much contact, a day and a half and 1 night every 2 weeks, but he wouldn't stop that.

I've started the dc at a club he has to take them to (near me so its hopefully more convenient to drop them back here rather than go back to his then take them back later), and often make excuses to get them back early as well, which he's fine with too, so I'm really trying.

I wonder if maybe one of the wellbeing clubs at her school would be a good thing if it could be stress. I'll speak to them when she goes back next week.

My friend had a similar situation and it turned out to be an aspartame allergy?

It's definitely somehow related to her time there.

If he doesn't see them for a month she isn't sick at all, she is sick just slightly more than 3/4 of the time after she comes back from his.

Their diet isn't great there, but it's all things she has in moderation here as well.

She comes back on Sunday and is usually sick on the Sunday night - early hours Tuesday morning.

It would be so much better if we could communicate and figure this out, but he just won't.

Is the older child able to say if they eat leftovers (eg pizza) the next day that has just been left out without refrigerating? Does one child have different food from the other - chicken vs cheese pizza?
Could it be poor hand washing before eating when with him, with either no soap or a clean towel available?

I think it's highly unlikely to be dietary, because if it was related to food hygiene for example, you wouldn't see it happening every (or nearly every) time, it would be sometimes but not others, and you'd probably see it happening randomly when she is not at her dad's too. People have weirdly black and white expectations about food borne illness like if you follow all guidelines then you could never possibly be exposed to harmful bacteria, but if you eat one piece of slightly undercooked chicken then you will definitely 100% be ill but it doesn't work like that.

If it was too much junk food you'd probably see it after things like birthday parties or Christmas/Easter when they have a lot of sweets at once.

Unless you suspect him of something like munchausen by proxy (extremely unlikely!) then stress is my guess. DS1 still has digestive responses to stress and he hasn't seen his dad in over 10 years. He gets it over things like doctors' appointments and exams instead now.

It does sound like some kind of stress. Does dc enjoy going or give any indication that they don't want to go? I don't want to frighten you but could there be any form of abuse happening while they are there? Would they be disciplined in a different way to at home? Could you gently ask a few casual questions to your older child?
I have lots of food intolerance issues and I think that unless they are eating a completely different diet while they are there, something never eaten at home it is unlikely to be that.

Is she sick straight away, or is it preceded by coughing? My DD was often sick at night, and in the end it was diagnosed as asthma. She never wheezed, but would cough, retch and finally vomit. If your DD is exposed to dust/ spores at her dad's that could trigger an attack.

Can you try NOT sending her to her Dad's and see if the sickness still follows the usual pattern?
Correlation does not always mean causation.

Whilst the diet their dad feeds them doesn't sound ideal, because of the timing of her sickness I wouldn't leap to blaming him. If his house was so dirty it was making her sick I would have thought it would affect your older DC too.

I agree with all this. If she is coming home well and then being sick "within 48 hours" then it doesn't sound like food poisoning or allergies or even bad diet.

It sounds as if you and your ex are both very hostile towards each other, and I would guess that she is picking this up from both of you and finding it distressing. I know you say you are keeping it light and not being negative but your anger and dislike comes through so clearly in a few posts, I don't think your children can be unaware of it.

I highly doubt there's any handwashing going on at all there. They just get one big pizza from what I gather so they don't eat different things.

My dc absolutely adore their dad so there's never upset going there, he doesn't discipline them really, they basically spend all their time there on screens (I set the phone up so I can see what's being downloaded and the screen time they have, same with dds tablet).

He is pretty manipulative though, he makes them feel guilty because he lives by himself and because he gives me money for them etc. They come back feeling sorry for him a lot.

I really don't think there's any sexual abuse going on, I was abused as a child so have books, have taught dc the underpants rule, to speak up, occasionally their dad will tell them not to tell me something and they immediately come back and tell me, I'm as sure as I can be there's nothing like that going on.

There's no coughing at all, 2 of my older dc have asthma, so I'm confident it's not that.

I think you're all right though, I've been looking at food when its far more likely to be stress related. They have lots of resources at school which I'm going to see if I can access for dd to see if this makes any difference.

It's an absolute nightmare trying to coparent with someone who just doesn't care at all.

I had the same issue when my dc were seeing their Dad. The house was filthy and they had shit food but I truly think it was more down to the stress. Once the contact stopped, we rarely have any sickness. I didn't just stop contact due to this though and I don't think it would of held in court if I had.

It sounds as if you and your ex are both very hostile towards each other, and I would guess that she is picking this up from both of you and finding it distressing. I know you say you are keeping it light and not being negative but your anger and dislike comes through so clearly in a few posts, I don't think your children can be unaware of it.

I'm on a forum talking to adults about a situation where my dd is suffering, so I'm being honest about the situation.

My dc absolutely do not pick up any negativity from me towards him at all.

We make him things, I buy him fathers day/birthday/Xmas gifts from them, I am nothing but nice about him, and even when he picks them up I smile and wave and be nice to him, they tell me that daddy's my friend but I'm not daddy's friend... I couldn't do more to keep it nice here for them, believe me.

Yep, I've seen his house on video chat and it really isn't tidy at all. When we lived together I don't think he cleaned anything even once, so it figures.

I know I can't really stop him seeing them, and they love him so I don't really want to, I just want him to step up and dd to stop being so poorly.

Unlikely if u took him to court u would win.
The way u put it shows u hate yr x and don’t want him having the kids, and that it’s his fault.
It will b seen that u r causing yr kids anxiety hence the younger one is becoming ill.

Do you mean sick as in vomiting, or sick as in poorly- coughs, colds etc?

if the latter could simply be exposure to new bugs in a different household.

if it’s vomiting then a few days later is a little odd, I’d expect it to be within 24 hours of whatever they’ve eaten that upsets them.

She's vomiting, mostly it happens early hours of Monday morning after coming back from his, but can be up to early hours or Tuesday morning.