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Original poster

Dd is sick almost every time she has been at her dad's, what can I do?

46 replies

Whatcanidoaboutpoorlydd · 20/04/2023 09:03

I have a 5yo dd and a 9yo ds.

Their dad is pretty useless, long and typical backstop really, but he now takes them for one day and night every 2nd weekend.

He basically has no contact with me (bought 9yo a phone and arranges everything through her which pisses me off no end).

Things I've had to contact him about include him smoking in his house (he doesn't do this anymore but smokes when he's out with them and they still come back reeking of cigarettes), him not dressing them appropriately, him stealing all the clothes I send them in and sending them back in ill fitting and inappropriate stuff, not using car seats (he could have asked for mine)... you get the picture.

My youngest is sick fairly often, over the last few months I've been writing down what she has been eating and drinking to try and piece together what's upsetting her, the only thing that's common with it is that it starts withing 2 days of coming back from her dad's, literally every time she's sick (bar once just before Xmas when we all came down with a sick bug).

This last bout has been awful, she couldn't even lift her head yesterday she was so weak 😔.

He doesn't react to any criticism of what I'll laughingly call his parenting well at all, but obviously this is something else I'll have to bring up with him and he will be a dickhead about.

What can I actually do though? I obviously need to protect my dc, but I can't really stop the minimal input their dad has...can I?

If anyone can help me with a plan on what to do I would be very grateful. I've got about a week and a half until he has my dc again, and the thought of her being this poorly again is breaking my heart, I can't put her through this again.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 20/04/2023 10:47

I would have thought it was unlikely anything she eats at her father's house if it's two days from her coming back to being sick. Does she like going there?

Original poster

Whatcanidoaboutpoorlydd · 20/04/2023 10:47

Skybluepinky · 20/04/2023 10:37

Unlikely if u took him to court u would win.
The way u put it shows u hate yr x and don’t want him having the kids, and that it’s his fault.
It will b seen that u r causing yr kids anxiety hence the younger one is becoming ill.

I don't want to stop him seeing the kids, I want my dd to stop being so poorly when she comes back from his.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatcanidoaboutpoorlydd · 20/04/2023 10:51

CurlewKate · 20/04/2023 10:47

I would have thought it was unlikely anything she eats at her father's house if it's two days from her coming back to being sick. Does she like going there?

She adores her dad, they both do.

I didn't actually put it together until the doctor suggested keeping a food diary, it's only since then I actually noticed the pattern of it happening when she is coming back from his house.

I think PPs are right and it's stress related, which is better in a lot because I can get her help for that without him having to have input.

OP posts:

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TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/04/2023 10:52

My dc absolutely do not pick up any negativity from me towards him at all.

I doubt that is true. Children are sensitive to forced smiles and unintentional frowns and subtle questions, and when we are angry with someone (however justified) it tends to show.

I wouldn't like my DC going to a grubby house where they eat pizza and stay on screens all weekend - actually I would hate it. But I don't think the food or grottiness are causing your DD's sickness, so I would try to accept that I can't control those aspects of my ex's parenting. You are not going to be able to force your standards onto him.

comeondover · 20/04/2023 10:57

It could be the environment rather than food/drink, or as well as. Mould?

Mirabai · 20/04/2023 10:58

It may just be that your son can cope with the diabolical diet but not DD. She may just be sensitive rather than actually allergic.

Honestly - takeaway for breakfast, chips for lunch, pizza for supper would have me vomiting too. She probably doesn’t resist the “unlimited snacks” either as she’s 5.

Original poster

Whatcanidoaboutpoorlydd · 20/04/2023 10:59

TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/04/2023 10:52

My dc absolutely do not pick up any negativity from me towards him at all.

I doubt that is true. Children are sensitive to forced smiles and unintentional frowns and subtle questions, and when we are angry with someone (however justified) it tends to show.

They think I really like their dad, they know he doesn't like me though, so I'm positive they pick up on nothing from me at all.

I'm not trying to control anything, however much I dislike it. All I want is a bit of cooperation and transparancy for the sake of my dds health. It's heartbreaking watching her be so ill every couple of weeks, and she's missing so much school too.

OP posts:

Mirabai · 20/04/2023 11:00

comeondover · 20/04/2023 10:57

It could be the environment rather than food/drink, or as well as. Mould?

Mould would more likely trigger asthma and allergy (itchy, sneezing, runny nose etc) rather than nausea and vomiting.

3dogsandarabbit · 20/04/2023 11:14

Could it be something at school that they have to do only once every two weeks that could be making her anxious? My son had to learn the recorder at primary school and they had a lady who came in to teach them who was very strict. My son hated it so much that in the days leading up to it he started getting very stressed and anxious.

If not school related, I agree with others that it is the situation between yourself and your ex that could be the cause. If your ex is asking them to keep quiet about certain things, may be she's worrying about letting it slip and getting her dad "in trouble". You say they tell you but what sort of things does he want them to be quiet about?

Original poster

Whatcanidoaboutpoorlydd · 20/04/2023 11:28

3dogsandarabbit · 20/04/2023 11:14

Everything they do at school is weekly, so I don't think it's that, also when their dad is unavailable for contact then she isn't sick for a whole month.

The things he asks them to keep quiet about have been when they have met one of daddy's female friends (this has happened twice). Another was that his dad had given the dc a fairly substantial sum of money when he was visiting. Another was that he wouldn't have contact the following week as he was away to meet someone a few hundred miles away (the dc told me, then he told me the day before the next contact he was unwell). Nothing earth shattering, just stupid little things.

I'm definitely going to speak to their teachers and see what can be put into place, they have a good wellbeing club at the school surrounding expressing feelings, which I'll ask if dd can attend and see if it makes a difference. There's also someone at the school that pupils can talk to, which may be easier than talking to me so I'll see if I can get dd to see her as well.

OP posts:

Anyfeckinusername · 20/04/2023 11:43

Hi OP, I've had similar, a bit more extreme than your situation but my story might help.

My DD kept coming back after weekends at her dads and being ill, asthma. All my questioning of what happened on the weekend, what she ate etc was stonewalled and I was also called controlling/'trying to pin shit on him' to stop her seeing him. Wildly ignored the fact the child was sick, seriously sick. Short story is after endless trips to hospital an allergy was identified. Again he said this was me meddling. He refused to believe she had an allergy and he refused to make adjustments. She went into anaphylactic shock on a weekend and was unconscious. The doctors spoke to him, of course they thought "there, now he understands". No, eight weeks later it happens again. At this point social services were pulled in and he was investigated for neglect by health neglect.
In face we all were on the whole, as a family - but everyone knew it was on his watch the damage was being done and this came out as a result. Not going to sugar coat it, a horrible ordeal having SS but it gave him nowhere to run. To this day he swears she doesn't have an allergy but he follows the rules now.

Secondly, he also contacts my DD directly via FaceTime in her iPad. I've realised lately how inordinately stressful she finds this. She doesn't feel she can not answer. She also didn't have that much to say four evenings a week on the phone - who would?! - not a nine year old! I think your DD will find that direct contact really hard to manage and you may need to get in front of it.

Just do what's right for your daughter. To hell with any narrative he runs, about you being controlling. You've got to protect your child (which you already are! I'm just stating the obvious). Good luck

SprinkleRainbow · 20/04/2023 11:57

It could be acid reflux, I used to suffer really badly with random vomiting especially in the early hours when I was highly stressed. It can be brought on a combination of high level fat foods and higher than normal stress levels combined. As your stress level comes back down it triggers the acid. I don't suffer with it very often now but I was even signed off work with it at one point.

LuluTaylor · 20/04/2023 18:08

He is pretty manipulative though, he makes them feel guilty because he lives by himself and because he gives me money for them etc. They come back feeling sorry for him a lot.

That's psychological abuse and will cause her a great deal of stress if she's buying into it and feeling sorry for him.

FloatingRodger · 20/04/2023 18:25

OP, this may just be me not getting it, but by "been sick" do you mean "vomited", or "felt ill"?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 20/04/2023 18:27

FloatingRodger · 20/04/2023 18:25

OP, this may just be me not getting it, but by "been sick" do you mean "vomited", or "felt ill"?

She says vomit 🤢

FloatingRodger · 20/04/2023 18:33

Greensleevevssnotnose · 20/04/2023 18:27

She says vomit 🤢

Show quote history

Oh yes sorry, missed that post.

Serena73 · 20/04/2023 18:41

My son is sick every single time he has a sleepover at anyone's house and I am not there. He's not a little child, he is in his mid teens now, but it's been going on for at least 6 years. We know this is psychosomatic as it never happens at home and it's nothing to do with food or anything. He doesn't usually vomit but he has done once or twice. He calls me in the middle of the night but he's usually too far away and I can't do anything about it. He isn't nervous about going there and apart from that he enjoys himself, but I think he is in the habit of subconsciously expecting to feel sick because it happened once for real, years ago.

Seaweed42 · 20/04/2023 18:55

Is it anxiety about having to go to school on Monday?
Does she have the same teacher at school or is there PE or something on one of those early days?
Is there an after school activity that she does which is creating anxiety but she is too scared to say she doesn't like it.
Either that or bullying at school should be considered.

hairymuffet · 20/04/2023 20:26

Abdominal migraine due to stress ?

Chocchip11 · 21/04/2023 07:30

If she likes going to her dad's could it be she's upset that she won't be seeing him again for a few weeks? He could be ramping up how sad he will be not seeing them and he'll be on his own. Maybe that is making her feel stressed and anxious?

BertieBotts · 21/04/2023 09:15

I doubt that your attitude towards him is making any difference, but I would also suggest to drop the fake positivity.

You can be positive about him as in he's your dad, he loves you, I'm glad he's in your lives and you enjoy going there. You don't need to pretend to be his friend. You shouldn't project negativity, but neutral is fine. As they are of an age to choose things like cards and gifts themselves, it might help to change to doing this now - when an occasion is coming up, take them to a shop, give them some money and help them choose a gift/card for him, but don't have any input into choosing yourself, just let them lead and guide in terms of appropriateness/budget etc. Help them wrap if they need help. Then let them write and sign the card from themselves and not from you. As they get even older you will just be able to give them money to buy something without having any input at all.

If they ask you outright if you like him, you could say that you used to love each other but you don't any more and sometimes relationships break down and people realise they aren't right for each other. You used to be friends, but you are not friends any more. You are friendly, because he is their dad and it's important to you that they have the relationship, but you don't need to pretend it's sunshine and roses between you, neutral is absolutely fine.

I think looking into resources at school will be really beneficial.

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