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Original poster

Grandparents who won't have anyone in the house

51 replies

Garageinconstantuse · 17/04/2023 11:46

I'm interested to hear whether anyone has parents or in-laws who don't let either their children or grandchildren visit the house? If so, are there any particular reasons/causes for this? My in-laws are like this and I'm wondering whether it is at all common or what the likely causes might be. We did visit >10 years ago when our kids were v small. Nowadays we are explicitly not welcome. It's not personal to us - their other children and grandchildren are also not welcome (they are still small kids, so it's not about the age/size of the kids). If we meet up it has to be somewhere like a pub/cafe. Is this a 'thing' which creeps up on some people?

OP posts:

drpet49 · 17/04/2023 11:59

Not a thing that I have ever heard of. Bloody weird is what it is.

FelicityBeedle · 17/04/2023 12:00

How old are they? Could they be hoarding or living in filth? I’m jumping to conclusions but always a possibility

Shortpoet · 17/04/2023 12:00

Maybe they’ve converted their house into a sex dungeon and they don’t want anyone to see all the harnesses, whips and chains.

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MeinKraft · 17/04/2023 12:04

My in laws got like this over covid and never really got over it. The children have been in since then but only for fleeting visits, they much prefer meeting outdoors or they'll come into our house at a push.

Stratocumulus · 17/04/2023 12:04

Hoarding is most likely the cause.
I’d ask them outright in a light hearted tone of voice “Are we not welcome at yours because you’re hoarding?”

If you did a drive by their house it might be enlightening?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 17/04/2023 12:04

They don’t want small kids smashing up their house. (Although I’m pretty sure it’s the sex dungeon thing)

ThatFraggle · 17/04/2023 12:04

I'd say there's something they don't want people to see. Dirt, hoarding pets, hoarding belongings, something.

80sMum · 17/04/2023 12:04

Could be all sorts of of reasons. Maybe they just don't like hosting visitors, or maybe their house is a mess and they can't be bothered to clean it up, or maybe they find having visitors stressful for some reason.

Original poster

Garageinconstantuse · 17/04/2023 12:08

Oh god, I hope it's not a sex dungeon! I mean they don't seem the type (whatever the type is...).

Pretty sure not hoarding. One possibility is that one of them is having to 'live' downstairs and doesn't want anyone to know. But the thing is it's definitely something they've always been wary of that has become more entrenched (rather than a sudden change out of nowhere). That's why I was wondering if this is just a mindset that can sometimes develop. Covid has definitely not helped matters, but it was already in evidence before that. Plus meeting in a pub makes no sense if Covid was really the reason. They are late 60's early 70's.

OP posts:

Original poster

Garageinconstantuse · 17/04/2023 12:10

80sMum · 17/04/2023 12:04

I think they do find having visitors stressful. And maybe once you don't have visitors for a few years it becomes insurmountably so?

OP posts:

bakingmyfavourites · 17/04/2023 12:15

My dad (78) has mobility issues and is prone to falling, he's heavy and mum can't pick him up so it's usually an ambulance job.
They do let the grandchildren visit but dad will stay out of the way through fear of being knocked over as he's very wobbly on his feet also it's embarrassing for him.
We understand and if he visits us he comes in his mobility scooter and stays seated in it because he feels safer and comfortable.
He was a fantastic dad so we'll forgive his little ways in old age if that's how he is now.

TheMarsian · 17/04/2023 12:20

Is it only children that aren’t welcome or also adults?

ie can your DH go and see his parents at their place - on his own?
Has he done that?

Oopswediditagain2023 · 17/04/2023 12:23

Yes - my auntie unfortunately. She's elderly and I think covid was a factor in her becoming more entrenched, but she really panics if someone says they're coming to see her. She feels she's got to clean the whole house from top to bottom and make sure it's tidy and get in tea and biscuits and coffee etc, and she's exhausted and overwhelmed before she's even begun. If we pop over unannounced she'll chat to us on the doorstep, and sometimes will invite you in for a drink and says "excuse the mess" (she's not actually messy but there might be newspapers lying about or plates from lunch etc!) but usually not.

tsheet · 17/04/2023 12:29

My uncle has undiagnosed autism and anxiety and some OCD. He struggles with some elements of cleaning, doesn't like the necessary cleaning and prep for visitors and struggles with some social interactions, I think is embarrassed by the house now too. If anyone even mentions visiting or dropping something off it's a major anxiety trigger. There's no hoarding but he never dusts so it isn't clean. Basically he is quite happy to meet somewhere else for a short while but can't deal with people in his space. Not sure how it will play out when he needs more care.

ZacharinaQuack · 17/04/2023 12:30

My Granny was developing dementia (it turned out) and thought visitors were going to nick all her stuff.

StillWantingADog · 17/04/2023 12:33

Covid really hasn’t helped matters like this.

also while I do welcome visitors it’s very much on my own terms due to me being slightly twitchy about the state of the house - not awful at all but feels far more clutter/less tidy than other houses I visit. People turning up unannounced gives me massive angst. Sounds like it could be similar just magnified.

at their age I think unlikely to change sadly but it would be useful to get to the bottom of the reasoning.

StillWantingADog · 17/04/2023 12:35

Op is it specifically children that are not allowed? Does that include adult children?
or is it all visitors who are banned.

have to say to specifically ban children (especially including adult children) would surely be unusual.

DemelzaandRoss · 17/04/2023 12:38

I think there are many reasons. They maybe are aware the house is not tidy or clean any more but feel it is too much to tackle. Again, the thought of catering may be too much. Tidying, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. My parents became like this, one had anxiety & depression, the other mobility issues.
They preferred to go out for meals & used to pay for our meals too.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/04/2023 12:42

One of DH’s uncles is like that.

it started because the first of his children to have children let them run riot when they visited. So he stopped letting them. To keep the peace that meant not letting anyone visit so they didn’t know it was their child being feral (which the parent themselves now admits they let happen!)

I think he massively regrets it now but he’ll not change it.

purplecorkheart · 17/04/2023 12:43

Yes I know a couple who are unbelievably house proud and they do not like visitors in case they would cause a mess. They are getting worse as the years are going on.

SavBlancTonight · 17/04/2023 12:46

Why doesn't your DH just ask them? If my parents suddenly said I was not welcome in their home, I'd want to know why. And I wouldn't be fobbed off with some weak excuse.

If you are close enough you spend time together etc, it's ridiculous that you don't have an answer to this. I honestly just don't get it.

whynotwhatknot · 17/04/2023 12:49

does you dh go in there alone?

i dont have alot of visitors it takes a while to get it tidied so i just go round others houses or meet up

Dustybarn · 17/04/2023 12:51

They may be struggling to keep up with the housework and don’t want you to realize this for fear that you may suggest that they need to move to somewhere where they can cope better. Many older people really fear change.

Wetnwindy · 17/04/2023 12:55

Do you clear up behind your children before you leave?

LoobyDop · 17/04/2023 12:58

Definitely sex dungeon.

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