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Original poster

Grandparents who won't have anyone in the house

51 replies

Garageinconstantuse · 17/04/2023 11:46

I'm interested to hear whether anyone has parents or in-laws who don't let either their children or grandchildren visit the house? If so, are there any particular reasons/causes for this? My in-laws are like this and I'm wondering whether it is at all common or what the likely causes might be. We did visit >10 years ago when our kids were v small. Nowadays we are explicitly not welcome. It's not personal to us - their other children and grandchildren are also not welcome (they are still small kids, so it's not about the age/size of the kids). If we meet up it has to be somewhere like a pub/cafe. Is this a 'thing' which creeps up on some people?

OP posts:
DrMeredithGrey2023 · 17/04/2023 13:04

I'd rather not have visitors in my house.

I think my sisters are the only exception to that rule, because we have a very casual relationship and I don't feel like I have to host or be 'on', if that makes sense?

Friends and in laws it feels more like a thing - like I have to be on top on drinks, is anyone hungry, have I got any nice biscuits in, is the house immaculate, make sure the tv is off and conversation is flowing kind of thing.

It drains more of my social battery.

AxolotlEars · 17/04/2023 13:08

I have only really heard of something like this when people are ashamed of their house, particularly in relation to hoarding/stuff. I can understand if people feel too overwhelmed by small children but their own adult children being excluded seems odd. Other than this do you think your relationship with them is good? Have you directly asked them why they can't be hospitable in their own home?
I visited my own grandmother with my children well into her 90's.

BogRollBOGOF · 17/04/2023 13:08

The habit of Covid isolation and hoarding means that DM now doesn't let people in. I'm not in pop-in distance, and she can't travel independently and doesn't like being out for more than a few hours. She also doesn't do technology, and hearing loss makes phone calls hard going. She's not a fan of autistic DS. As a result she's seen him once in over 3 years, I've seen her once or twice a year in that time because I've invented a reason to be passing by. I'm getting past the point of lamenting it now because she's not going to change and there's no magic solution.

The hoard's been creeping up for years. The 50+ year old sofa has been unusuable for 20 years; you just fall through it. It's no longer a comfortable, pleasant home to visit and she wasn't willing to change when she was younger and more capable and it's not going to happen now.

The state of the house has severely affected the wider family relationships. She's kept one relative on the doorstep for half an hour because she wouldn't let them in when they diverted by on a lengthy journey past the area.

It's sad. We used to be close and I always thought she'd be closer to my children and there's not really a relationship there now between them.

The DCs have lost their other GM. She was older and international Covid restrictions and failing health meant they never saw her again after our last visit late in 2019. By the time they were permitted to see her, she was too frail to recognise them and it was better to leave them with their memories of her still having her spirit. It's both grandmas that they've lost in life years ahead of the natural conclusions to life.

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DappledThings · 17/04/2023 13:10

My parents and PIL are all in their 70s. PIL live 2 minutes away and we pop in a couple of times a week usually. They also have DC one day a week after school.

Parents are 4-5 hours by car so we can't pop in but we visit as often as we can and for a few days. They would happily have us every month if the drive made that possible.

I don't know anyone who actively discourages visitors, especially not their own DC and DGC.

LuluTaylor · 17/04/2023 13:12

Are they hoarding? It tends to get worse over time. Keeping people out is one way of hiding the situation and fending off people's attempts to help, which usually means getting rid of the hoard - something the hoarder often can't cope with without a lot of professional psychological support before, during and after.

Alternatively could it be a domestic abuse situation? That's another reason to keep people at arm's length. Keep the victim isolated from potential means of education on the subject (other people pointing out it's wrong) and practical or emotional support to leave.

This isolation situation doesn't necessarily look like the abusive one demanding no visitors. It can be the victim thinking no visitors is the best option due to the hassle (verbal abuse, sulking, withdrawal of practical help or affection etc) they'll get before/after if they do have people over. Or due to their partners embarrassing behaviour. Eg the abusive one being rude to friends and family, or behaving in an antisocial manner, can be a way to make the friends and family not want to visit again and the victim ashamed to invite them into that situation. Or the abusive one being open, to a degree, in the abuse and the victim not wanting people to see the way they're treated. Either because they don't want to leave their relationship or because they're ashamed having been made to feel it's in some way their fault they're receiving abuse.

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 13:21

Is it a cost of hosting thing? Who pays at the pub meet up? Are alcoholic drinks had in the pub that they'd maybe feel more awkward about pouring in the day at home?
Do they happily go to others homes to be hosted?

Mariposista · 17/04/2023 13:24

I lost my beloved gran last week. Growing up, her house was an extension of my own. I used to rush in to tell her secrets, there would always be a nice smell of food in it, her garden was fab and even when I was very young, I knew to respect her belongings and to only touch things gently, no indoor games inside etc.
I feel sorry for these grandchildren being banned from their GP houses. The bond between a GP and GC can be so beautiful. And no, you can't have that same bond meeting up in parks, pub gardens etc.

Rowthe · 17/04/2023 13:26

I hated people coming to my house because it was small and a mess.

We've moved now. And its much better so now happy to have guests.

I think unless you manage to get a peek of the house its difficult to say the exact reason. But most likely it's a mess and they may be having difficulty with the upkeep.

watcherintherye · 17/04/2023 13:27

DappledThings · 17/04/2023 13:10

My parents and PIL are all in their 70s. PIL live 2 minutes away and we pop in a couple of times a week usually. They also have DC one day a week after school.

Parents are 4-5 hours by car so we can't pop in but we visit as often as we can and for a few days. They would happily have us every month if the drive made that possible.

I don't know anyone who actively discourages visitors, especially not their own DC and DGC.

Oh, right. Er……good?

Original poster
Garageinconstantuse · 17/04/2023 13:28

To answer a few questions. No, they won't have anyone in the house as far as I know. We live a few hours away (but DH has siblings who live closer) - none of them are allowed in. It's definitely not due to the kids or their behaviour I'm 99% sure of that. We have never imposed or expected catering. Visits (when they happened) always planned ages in advance. I don't think domestic abuse or hoarding, but I could be wrong. Hiding disability adjustments is possible I think. Elements of OCD/Anxiety quite likely. Neither of them drink. They are fastidious about splitting bills when out, but will sometimes pay for one of DH's siblings. DH doesn't have a great relationship with them, but his siblings are closer. The siblings don't like to dwell on the fact that it's a strange arrangement so they are unlikely to ask or question it. I'm sorry for everyone else who's had relatives in the same position, there are some sad stories. It seems it is something that can happen sometimes, perhaps especially post-lockdown. And I do empathise with the stress that visitors can cause. Ultimately I agree things are very unlikely to change and there's nothing we can do about that.

OP posts:
Ormally · 17/04/2023 13:30

Kind of - DPs are like this.

First: they never hosted anyone (perhaps twice for a day while I was at home) - but were very happy to go to other places and be on the receiving end. Now they are older, even trying to get tuned in to what that might mean in terms of simple shopping etc is an effort. They have almost no empathy about how that could be for someone, in reverse.

Parallel to that is a fixed part of each day involving going out to get a newspaper and a coffee from a coffee shop. That's fine, but what seems a moveable thing for most people, isn't. Absence of newspapers can blow up into something big.

Second: shame about the house - cleaning is ok but maintenance has not been done for a long time.

Third: fallout from Covid. They were on the anxious side about it.
Alongside this, more or less everything not familiar has started to be met with suspicion, or 'oh, that's passed me by now'...

Cuwins · 17/04/2023 13:36

My dad is a bit like this- he has mental health issues and finds having people in the house very stressful. Me, my partner and dd are fine, his mum and a particular friend are ok but otherwise he finds it very stressful particularly if he doesn't know them- like workmen etc.
I'm also a bit that way- our parents or my sis fine, workman etc I don't have a problem with although prefer my partner to be there but I hate the idea of 'hosting'- always prefer to go to other peoples for play dates etc. I do suffer from anxiety so that's part of it but also we are in a flat so it's a fairly small space, I'm not particularly social anyway so it's not been an issue really.

BloodyMarys · 17/04/2023 13:41

My parents have become like this although they are quite elderly now. Myself and my sibling are the only two people allowed in. Everyone else is not allowed over the doorstep.

It started with an anxiety thing for my mother, then my father became ill and then they found it difficult to keep the house clean and they are embarrassed about it now. They don’t go out either so it’s hard all round. They used to be so sociable and were brilliant hosts.

BloodyMarys · 17/04/2023 13:43

Also like pps, Covid did not help as they were worried about that on top.

DyslexicPoster · 17/04/2023 13:58

My mum was like this during covid but she has improved. I do really honestly belive that some people do become more self focused and less able to care about others and maintaining relationships as they get older. I think for some it's part of the aging process. Tiny safe little world, inward thinking, no desire to experience new things and rigid thinking / routines. I'm sure I will get shot to pieces for saying this but SOME people do seem to shrink away as they get older. My in laws never see my kids. Partly as the house has be pristine. Partly to keep us at arms length. I don't know what will happen if they ever need care or support as they are both mid 70's. Ironically my son hates it there as mil smokes inside like in chimney.

tailinthejam · 17/04/2023 13:59

Has your DH, or any other relative, come right out with it and asked them why?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/04/2023 14:01

Not common but I’ve heard of some who are paranoid about their precious tat being broken..Just move them out of harms way.
I’m not, it’s wall to wall toys when my grandkids visit.

BlueGlassOfDoom · 17/04/2023 14:02

Do they seem overwhelmed in other ways, or by other things? Both my parents and in-laws got to the point where they would talk about how their incredibly busy week ahead - which would usually mean more than one appointment in the space of the week, even on different days (could be hairdresser etc, not just medical). We would give lifts, accompany them as needed/requested etc, so it seemed to be the ‘busyness’ of getting organised and getting out and the anticipated tiredness afterwards that was the issue.

We could never just drop in even if passing, always had to be arranged in advance with lots of ‘I’ll just check with your mother/father…’ the implication being that the other one might have the issue, not them!

I think if folk have always been a bit inclined to keep themselves to themselves (my folks certainly were) and therefore make a huge effort even for close family visits, it (like many things) just gets more ingrained and therefore harder as they age, even before you start to factor in possibilities such as anxiety or embarrassment over eg bathroom adaptations etc.

I think if they are older, there an also be an adherence to doing things ‘properly’ and frustration if they can’t. DMiL used to always impress on us never to accept so much as a cup of tea when visiting DH’s (much older) aunt as it would be too much for her - DAunt in turn would be upset at possibly seeming inhospitable! We got good at the breezy ‘thanks, you’re very kind but we’ve just had one on the journey’ fib!

ShippingNews · 17/04/2023 14:03

I was wondering if this is just a mindset that can sometimes develop.

I'm in my 60's and I know heaps of people in your PIL age group - I don't know anyone who is remotely like this. They are usually the opposite - lonely and wishing their families would come around more often.

IfDreamsWereWings · 17/04/2023 14:12

I have become like this.
I used to have an open door policy, but then had a few relatives make judgemental comments (they are the type of people who live in show home standard homes themselves), I then turned into the type of person who needed to be told someone was coming in advance so I could make my house perfect which was exhausting. Then covid hit and I felt comfortable in my home again (no hoarding or dirt, just a lived in house), then it became an excellent excuse for always keeping people on the doorstep. I’ve never let them in since.

Caddyautopants · 17/04/2023 14:13

Hoarders

DappledThings · 17/04/2023 14:22

watcherintherye · 17/04/2023 13:27

Oh, right. Er……good?

Show quote history

Well that's relevant isn't it? OP asked if it was common based on age. Not in my experience, I was just answering the question

crossstitchingnana · 17/04/2023 14:23

IMO it's either they are ashamed about their home or concerned their house will get trashed.

Nimbostratus100 · 17/04/2023 14:32

its just a privacy thing, surely. they dont want the intrusion. fair enough

Nismet · 17/04/2023 14:46

I would assume some sort of embarrassment. Difficult to know what to do, they are unlikely to be able to ask for help.

If DH is worried maybe he could remind them he's happy to help to help with practical stuff - computers, garden, heavy lifting. They might be more open to him coming if they know it'll just be him and he is there to do a job rather than a social occasion. They also might find it easier to give help than accept it ("Dad could you help me with these documents?") but in that case they might well suggest meeting out. And all a lot harder to sort when you love so far away.

Re people not knowing others like this - sure, but this is a function of sociable people mixing almost exclusively with other sociable people. Of course you don't tend to get to know people who are happy at home not mixing. It doesn't mean they don't exist, they just don't connect into the social web so most people don't see them.