Are people as tough on their kids as they say they are?

[CurlewKate]

I do wonder if people are as tough on their kids as they say they are on here and as they advise other mumsnetters to be? Because I know I'm not! And it does seem that anyone who admits to being a bit soft on their kids is jumped on and told they are "doing them no favours." I believe passionately in modelling kindness. I think you learn more and better lessons from that than from toughness. And I suspect that many others are the same, but feel it's not acceptable to admit to it.

I'm way too soft...

I say yes as often as possible but if I say no, I mean it. I hate being argued with. If something causes an argument I take it away, and if they misbehave when we're out, we go home. I am not really sure how the teenage years are going to go, I lose my temper really easily. But if they only ever ask for reasonable things I won't say no!

My poor kids get treated to a rant in the car after swimming every week because I'm so frustrated with the boys in dd1's class being low level disruptive. They are under no illusions that if they ever behave like that I will give them a bollocking while they're still in the pool and I'll stop paying for lessons!

People are asking for examples.

The OP started this thread after commenting on another thread about a poster who was fed up of trying to drag her 15/16yo ds out of bed so that he could manage to get to work and or arguing with him about this. A lot of posters suggested that it wasn't the OP's responsibility to get her nearly adult son out of bed and that he should take responsibility for this himself or suffer the consequences. The OP felt that this was too harsh because the job in question was a good opportunity/relatively well paid for the son's age and he should therefore be supported to continue with it so that he could e.g. save up for university.

I'm all for doing favours for my dd, little kind gestures that show that I care etc. However, I don't think babying them or absolving them of all responsibility for their own stuff is in any way helpful. It is entirely possible to be kind and thoughtful without treating them as if they're incapable of doing normal stuff for themselves.

I'm tough on them because they have autism and they need me to be consistent or they would run rings around me! And I'm not raising monsters I'm raising them to be good human beings 👍🏻

Same.

In some ways I'm very lax and permissive, in some ways I know I'm stricter than some .

However, the main thing is that DD absolutely knows that I say what I mean and I follow through and she learned that very young. You know that parent that says tidy x up or I'll hover it /throw it in the bin? Well I did hover it/throw it in the bin. I didn't replace the toys broken by chucking them about or being stupid with them. I did find a place for her to sit out during an activity or took her home.

Now that she's older, we have a few non negotiable rules in place and she knows the consequences for them and anything else we talk about and figure it out together.

She had her ipad taken away only once this year so far so it's not like it's constant or excessive.

I don't think the parent on that thread was abusive, but I didn't think her approach to punishment was effective either.

I have always had high expectations of my dd, and I do believe in learning about natural consequences etc. I don't punish though, and I don't enforce school work etc. DD understands that, if she doesn't work hard, she won't do as well as she is capable of, but ultimately, I am not going to try to micromanage her time or make her study. They're her exams so it's up to her.

And because she has grown up understanding that she is usually the one to feel the consequences of not doing what she is supposed to be doing, she is more than capable of managing her own workload.

If your children went to school (which I presume they did as you say they could stay home when they wanted to do so) then they would have had access to screens before age 12. Schools watch TV and have computers.

But I would say I’m fairly strict about some things but not about others. I think for me it’s about intent. So I am not strict about a mistake like a forgotten PE kit or something - I forget things myself. If it happened repeatedly I’d put something in place to support. But things like rudeness, disrespect, unkind or bad behaviour, I can’t and don’t tolerate.

I love the very bones of my teen ds and he knows it. However, I expect him to get up on time, do his homework, be clean, eat the food I provide and be polite to everyone. If he isn't, there are penalties.

But he knows the house rules. I run the house, he does the few things I expect of him, and the rest of his time is his own. I don't get too specific, he generally does his best and we rub along ok. If we hit an issue we occasionally have a bit of yelling and door slamming, but eventually we discuss it calmly and find a compromise.

On the other hand, my ex refused to meet me half way, so I left. I've not regretted it

The main things with any relationship are to stand your ground, make your boundaries clear, and not allow yourself to be bullied, while still showing that you love them.

Some things I'm tough on, others not so much. I have a 15 year old.

Things I'm tough on - manners, keeping his room clean and doing chores (very conscious of this as I have a son and I'm a single mum so I don't want him growing up thinking women do all the housework). Treating others well, I'd go apeshit if I found out he was a bully or something.

Not tough on - homework. Obviously I encourage him to do it, but I don't sit over his shoulder. He knows if he doesn't do it, he won't get good grades, and that's up to him. He wants to do vet science at uni so he does homework!
Screen time and gaming. I don't really care how much time he spends gaming, as long as it's not affecting his attitude.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves "However, I don't think babying them or absolving them of all responsibility for their own stuff is in any way helpful."

As I said on the other thread that is not at all what I said. If you read what I've said on this one you'll see that.

Incidentally, I don't mind at all - but it uses to be considered bad form on this forum to quote from other threads like that. Is it OK now?

@Kanaloa you are right- our kids had plenty of access to screens. Sorry, I meant to say no screens at home- we just didn't have any in the house, but of course they could use them in school and friends' houses, etc.

Oh ok 😂 was thinking they went to school with the Waltons or something!

In private, I think a lot parents still smack.

I'm always surprised at the "if they won't do X tell them they can't live there anymore" as soon as they hit 18. So many people would apparently make their kids homeless. And I know it's meant to make the kid immediately please for forgiveness, but you shouldn't threaten what you won't do, and I don't think it's good for the kid believing their parents would actually see them on the streets.

I am. I insist on good manners always. I insist on table manners, I insist on no lying at all ..give me the truth and its fine, I might not like it but I will not tolerate deciet. Having said all that she is ruined totally,over indulged,has no bed time or chores to do,she is a good kid but I never ever expect to have to ask twice for anything from her. She is funny,kind,warm and genuine with no issues so on the whole we are doing ok for now!! We hit the teens soon so god knows what will happen then!

Well it depends what X is surely? Some X's do require removal from the household, for safety reasons for example.

Yes I'm tough, loving firm but fair. I dislike gentle parenting quite a lot. I'm soft in certain ways but I won't tolerate any nonsense.

I don’t think you understand what gentle parenting actually is. Its proper name is authoritative parenting.

True Barbie, I'm not keen on people who do it badly!

Incidentally, I don't mind at all - but it uses to be considered bad form on this forum to quote from other threads like that. Is it OK now?

Gentle but passive aggressive parenting I see..

I think most of us are an unholy mix! Mine are tween and teenagers. I'm stupidly lax about screen time, there are theoretical limits but I'm too much of a sucker for letting them play online with their friends, and for endless extra half hours added to their notional daily limits (especially in the holidays!). I also tidy up after them way too much. On the other hand, my tolerance for being shouted at is zero, and my expectations for behaviour out and about and at other people's houses are incredibly high. On the whole I think my kids are kind, thoughtful and respectful, work hard at school, and if they step out of line will readily acknowledge and apologise. We muddle along ok, with the usual dose of guilt at my weaknesses and inadequacies!

Thing is, we all have different ideas of what "soft" is.

I think, like @AngryGreasedSantaCatcus , I was very clear, when they were small that if I said something would happen, then it did, and then they knew where they stood.
Generally, as older dc / teens, we didn't have that many fixed rules, as most things in life depend on circumstances - for example, when people ask about 'curfews' or people ask about taking phones off them, etc. So some might see me as lax, but discussion and reasonable requests were always fairly heard. That said, by the time they got to that age, then the requests would most likely be reasonable.

Re taking in the PE kit, or forgotten dinner money, etc I was never able to when they were Primary age anyway (as not able to leave work), and, when older teens, and I'd changed job, I felt they were old enough to sort out how to resolve it themselves. I think the attitude of 'how can I resolve this' is a positive thing to foster and takes away some of the entitlement you see in so many places in some people.

I can't think of any thread where LTB has been suggested on MN for the scenarios you describe.