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Original poster

Staying out as an older teen

40 replies

BlanketPile · 16/04/2023 10:27

What age do you let them stay out?

Dd 17 wants to stay at a friends house overnight. This is a friend they met on the internet. I have seen photos so no chance of catfish/grooming etc, just that we havent ever met her.

This would probably be fine if they were local, however the friend lives 1.5 hours away. Dd has travelled and met up with them a few times, usually somewhere central then they catch a tube to her house and hang out.

Twice it has been mooted that dd stays over. I have said no both times.

Would you let your DD?

I understand we dont always know their friends and friends parents as they get older, but in think in our case it is the distance that is bothering me if something goes wrong.

OP posts:
pensionconfusion · 16/04/2023 10:30

I probably would but I would like to be able to track location of daughters phone and probably drop them off the first time.

Also get a phone number for the parents and address.

It depends on your daughter though and how sensible you think she is.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:30

Absolutely 100%. No no and no

and Internet friend never met and 90 minutes away

NO!!!

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:31

Just let them hang out as per previously

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

17 years old
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:31

Or how about your DD invites her to stay over at yours??

Original poster
BlanketPile · 16/04/2023 10:33

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:30

Absolutely 100%. No no and no

and Internet friend never met and 90 minutes away

NO!!!

They have met up, just to clarify. Gone bowling, movies, hung out at her house.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:34

Why has she never been over to yours?

Original poster
BlanketPile · 16/04/2023 10:34

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:31

Or how about your DD invites her to stay over at yours??

She doesnt travel to our location. Which is also odd as it seems one way.

OP posts:
spring78 · 16/04/2023 10:34

For the first time could they stay at yours??

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:34

BlanketPile · 16/04/2023 10:34

She doesnt travel to our location. Which is also odd as it seems one way.

Show quote history

What on earth do you mean?

if your daughter can get to her
she can get to you
she lives near a tube station for heavens sake

FrenchandSaunders · 16/04/2023 10:36

She’s 17! And she’s met this girl a few times … you’re lucky she’s even asking you really.

Original poster
BlanketPile · 16/04/2023 10:38

I'm not sure. Perhaps she is not allowed? Different religion so not sure of rules.

Dd doesnt mind, is used to travelling out and about. College is 45 minutes away commute for example. So sitting on a train doesnt bother her.

I think it takes less time tbh as we go there on the train and it is 30 minutes away, then tube across london. The 90 minutes comes from me inputting the address into google maps to drive there if something happened. So its MY 90 minutes, not hers iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlanketPile · 16/04/2023 10:39

FrenchandSaunders · 16/04/2023 10:36

She’s 17! And she’s met this girl a few times … you’re lucky she’s even asking you really.

There is an element of that in my mind. Am I being too over protective? Hence the thread.

OP posts:
ibis17 · 16/04/2023 10:40

This sounds a bit odd… where on the internet did they meet? Is there a reason your DD is meeting friends online? (Might be totally fine, but just wondering if she was in any way vulnerable or struggled with friendships?)

the friend not coming to you is a potential red flag.

I think 17 yo staying locally or with someone you know is fine. I wouldn’t be comfortable with a 17 yo staying with an unknown friend from the internet who won’t come and meet you.

do you know why your daughter wants a night in London? What they might want to do that can’t be done by day or at your house? Do you think they want to go clubbing or to a particular kind of party?

alternatively, if this female friend is so important, could it be a potential romantic relationship?

jusr some thoughts! It seems odd she’s so keen to travel/ stay over when the friend doesn’t visit you.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:40

So you haven’t suggested she comes to you?

I think you need to find out why she can’t come to you?

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:40

Does your daughter not have friends from school etc who are local?

rookiemere · 16/04/2023 10:42

I'm astounded by some of these replies.
She is 17, she has met the friend before, you can't really stop her.
I'd give her the talk about being able to phone you at any point if anything goes wrong though, that's the best you can do.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/04/2023 10:42

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 10:30

Absolutely 100%. No no and no

and Internet friend never met and 90 minutes away

NO!!!

Bloody hell the OP’s daughter is SEVENTEEN - she’s old enough to leave home, in a year she’ll be a fully fledged adult. How on earth is she going to cope in the world if she is treated like a 12 year old till the day she leaves home??

OP I can see why you are cautious and it’s good to teacher your daughter to be sensible. Can you either suggest the girl stays with you first, or you drop your daughter off and go in for a chat. Failing that make sure she has her phone charged, and checks in with you once she is there. Talk to her about it like she’s an adult.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 16/04/2023 10:42

At 17, I would have let my parents know that this was my plan. I wouldn't have 'asked for permission' (other than the obvious check that my plan didn't clash with any other plan).

SittingOnTheChair · 16/04/2023 10:45

She 17. Do you trust her ?

I'd let my son do that at that age (he's a few years older).

If you are worried, why don't you take her, then you could see the house and perhaps meet the parents.

Original poster
BlanketPile · 16/04/2023 10:47

Clubbing has been mentioned. I said no, absolutely not.
Rave has been mentioned, again, absolutely not. Although there was more details about this, it was an all ages pop up thing.
Friend is 18 btw.
Friends mum said no to the rave.

Dd does have friends locally, and stays out at their houses overnight, is going to a festival this summer, had a job and is very independent so hardly treating them like a 12 year old! The difference is the distance I think.

Dd is no angel and I have had to rescue her once due to some bad decisions drinking and her friends called me. I have that relationship with her friends that they can. She has learnt her lesson and not done it since, but being 90 minutes away feels different... in that scenario I am too far away.

OP posts:
waterlego · 16/04/2023 10:49

I’m not sure the fact they met on the internet is relevant as they have now met in RL more than once. I also have a 17 year old DD and wouldn’t prevent her doing this. I am prone to anxiety so I might worry about it a bit but I wouldn’t let my anxiety stop her living her life.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 16/04/2023 10:49

Kids move out and live independently at 17. In a few months she could be at university.

Surely you have talked about safety, what to do if she has concerns, it’s ok to change plans and come home if you want to etc before now?

I do feel you’re being too overprotective op unless there’s a major drip feed coming

JuneOsborne · 16/04/2023 10:50

God, this is such a tricky age. On the one hand, they are almost adults and want to be treated as such. On the other, we all know that teenagers don't have the same sense of risk that you do when you're older.

But. Of all the risky things some teens do, this seems on the paler end of the scale.

Only you know your daughter, her attitudes and abilities. It sounds, from what you've written here, that she seems sensible enough. I think this is probably one of those situations where you make sure your daughter has the means to get home if something is off and the sense to contact you.

ibis17 · 16/04/2023 11:00

Perhaps take the age out of it. If she was a friend of 30 behaving like this, would it bother you? Ie, do you feel there’s something not quite right about the friendship or are you just worrying because she’s your daughter and it’s hard to let go?

some 17 to are really steet wise and used to parties/ clubs etc, others are very young for their age. I have a 17 yo nephew who is still 14 at heart. It depends which of these camps your dd falls into as well.

similarly, I teach sixth form and some of the students are very adult and others very vulnerable.

is your DD able to stand up for herself and walk away from a situation if it doesn’t seem right?

CremeEggThief · 16/04/2023 11:09

My DS started staying out for the night just after he turned 16, but some in his friendship group were 15.
Apparently I was very lucky, according to DS, as he would text me at 11 or 12 pm to inform me he wouldn't be coming home that night and then he wouldn't come back til 3 or 4 pm the next day and tell me to fuck off when I tried asking why he hadn't come back earlier!

Oh the joys! I do NOT miss the teenage years one bit.🤣