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Original poster

Dreading dd going on school trip, help me!

38 replies

Chocchip11 · 16/04/2023 09:40

Dd 16 is going abroad on a school trip next week and I'm dreading it. She was bullied, well more left out and ignored by everyone for most of her school life she has aspergers. Because of this she hadn't been on any trips except day trips which have ended in disaster and disappointment at being ignored. There is a trip to Barcelona and she really wanted to go, I'm happy she wants to but so worried that she'll be sad and ignored. I haven't told her this obviously I said it's her decision. It's for 5 nights and I'm thinking how will I manage my anxiety!!
She's not sure who she is sharing a room with will be 3 others, everyone sorted their rooms and put a request in to teacher. She said she isn't bothered who she ends up with so didn't request anyone!!
I don't know what I'm posting for really, my dh thinks she'll be fine and let her get on with it.

OP posts:
SorePaw · 16/04/2023 09:42

Have you spoken to the school about it?

Original poster
Chocchip11 · 16/04/2023 09:48

No I thought about it but dd said not to. I've been in to see the head and counsellor before so they are aware of her issues. Counsellor is actually going on the trip so I'm hoping she will keep an eye on her, knowing her previous issues. Do you think I should contact them, dd says she's fine and definitely to.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 09:49

Sit down with your dd and have a plan for if it all goes pear shaped.

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Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 09:49

Be excited and positive for her
conceal your worries
but definitely sort a response and action plan if goes wrong

Greensleevevssnotnose · 16/04/2023 09:50

I would ask them to keep an eye on her. Not requesting a room she could end up sharing with three best friends who don't include her which would be sad fo her.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 09:50

Chocchip11 · 16/04/2023 09:48

No I thought about it but dd said not to. I've been in to see the head and counsellor before so they are aware of her issues. Counsellor is actually going on the trip so I'm hoping she will keep an eye on her, knowing her previous issues. Do you think I should contact them, dd says she's fine and definitely to.

What would you say to them though?

YukoandHiro · 16/04/2023 09:52

She's 16. This is her social issue to navigate, not yours. Unless she is upset or worried (you say she isn't), then you stay out of it.

If she calls from the trip saying she's upset then of course involve the school. But if you tell her there are reasons to be anxious it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy

Original poster
Chocchip11 · 16/04/2023 09:55

@Cleoforever I know! That's why I haven't called, what can I say without sounding like an anxious neurotic mother!!
She has started a part time job since Christmas which has really increased her confidence and I think has made her able to go on the trip.
Maybe it's me and I need to just try and control myself. I've told her to WhatsApp me if she needs any advice on how to deal with anything that comes up but that I won't be annoying and contacting her. I've advised her to speak to the teachers who are going as soon as anything comes up, which she said she will.

OP posts:
Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 09:55

You have done as much as you can

now is the time to slap on a smile and pretend you are not anxious and instead excited for her

coffeeisthebest · 16/04/2023 09:56

I think right now she needs your support, not your anxiety. She has made a brave decision and she is realistic enough to know she hasn't got anyone in particular to share with, she just wants to go on the trip. So let her go, without the burden of your concern. Tell her you love her and you will be here for her. Say how proud you are. Just let her go and see what happens. If you need to fall apart and not sleep when she is away then absolutely do that but try to let her leave without the knowledge that you don't trust that she will cope. I obviously don't know you or your child but this is what I would have wanted in her situation. I hope it goes well for her!

Original poster
Chocchip11 · 16/04/2023 09:56

I obviously am not telling her I'm worried, dh says who she shares a room with isn't any of my business so I'm trying to not ask her anything about it and let her get on with it.

OP posts:
VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 09:56

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 09:55

You have done as much as you can

now is the time to slap on a smile and pretend you are not anxious and instead excited for her

100% this.

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 09:57

Ask her about Barcelona! Sharing a room isn't what the main focus should be!

Thelondonone · 16/04/2023 09:57

Talk to the teacher sitting the rooms and explain the situation-they will put her in a room with nice ones.

Cleoforever · 16/04/2023 09:58

Thing is op

her Asperger’s isn’t ever going to go away
life will be a little tougher for her in terms of social interaction
indeed her entire school experience has been like this

So I suspect she is coming to terms with that and still wants to go ahead and have experiences despite it not being ideal

I think you need to do that same

coffeeisthebest · 16/04/2023 09:58

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 09:57

Ask her about Barcelona! Sharing a room isn't what the main focus should be!

This is a really good point. It isn't the main focus. Barcelona is an amazing city and this is a fab opportunity for her.

VincentVaguer · 16/04/2023 09:59

Thelondonone · 16/04/2023 09:57

Talk to the teacher sitting the rooms and explain the situation-they will put her in a room with nice ones.

They might not. Just literally let her get on with it. In my experience 16 year old girls can have an absolute panic attack about being put with someone they don't like then they end up being great friends! Don't get involved.

coffeeisthebest · 16/04/2023 09:59

Thelondonone · 16/04/2023 09:57

Talk to the teacher sitting the rooms and explain the situation-they will put her in a room with nice ones.

But her daughter has said she doesn't want that. She is doing this on her own terms so I would respect that. She is 16.

Thelondonone · 16/04/2023 09:59

I’ve run hundreds of residentials (I’m old!) and thought nothing about it until my daughter went abroad last week and I was so anxious! Please try to be positive, the biggest issue I’ve had recently is a parent causing the anxiety and making the child worse. You can be upbeat but still supportive and drop the teacher a text whilst away if you have concerns.

Original poster
Chocchip11 · 16/04/2023 10:00

@Thelondonone it's a small group only 60 going so im confident they know her well enough to not chuck her in with the tough ones.
Yes you are all right of course, I'm just going to busy myself with practical things to help her pack and not keep talking about it unless she wants to.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 16/04/2023 10:01

The trip may be a turning point for your daughter, op. It often is, especially if the youngsters are treated almost like 'grown ups'. You could have a nice surprise when she arrives home.

Add to that, Barcelona is a marvellous, beautiful and fascinating city. It would be a shame for her to miss that.

I do understand your anxiety, really do, but I'm sure all will be well.

WandaWonder · 16/04/2023 10:03

I think you need to work on this yourself for her sake, do not put your issues on to her it is very unfair

BevMarsh · 16/04/2023 10:04

Personally I'd speak to the school despite your DD not wanting you to.
I'd ask that our conversation is kept confidential but tell them my worries.
In this instance your child does not need to know you have spoken to them about your concerns but maybe tell her you'd like to call them just to ask about room allocation as if the trip is next week surely they should know who they will be sharing with.

jamdonut · 16/04/2023 10:04

If she really wants to go and is happy about it, you just have to take a back seat. She’s 16!! I know , from experience that it’s difficult to let go, ( my anxious 16 year old son went on a French Exchange - I was so worried, but he was fine and loved it), but there comes a time when you have to take a deep breath and let it happen.
chances are, everything will be fine; if not - it’s one to put down to experience.

BCBird · 16/04/2023 10:05

There cannot really be s back up.plan if she wants to come home if she is in Spain. If there is a member of staff who is thoroughly aware of your daughter's needs he/she will no doubt be on the look out for her even more than the others. As a teacher who has been on and run many school trips I wind say there are always pupils,who firvwgatecer reason,spend timeveith staff. That's fine. If ur daughter prefers this than being chummy with the others that's ok. If she tells u she is in a room abd the itgers are doing something and she isn't, to u that might scream that she is being exclu6but perhaps to her perhaps it is she does not want to be included. It easy to manifest your concerns onto your daughter it is natural to worry but it is an experience she wants. Hard to let ho I am.sure.

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